Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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Encouragement Motherhood Parenting

We Really Can “Have It All.” AND Have Kids.

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We Really Can “Have It All.” And Have Kids. 

Sometimes as women  we are constantly fighting to have it all in society and in the home. But, what if having it all isn’t possible with kids? What if it is? 

I walked around IKEA today wanting.

“OOOh. I wish I could have that rug.”

“Oh!  I love that couch.”

“It makes total sense to buy a bonsai tree stick thingy.”

Yet, I have mastered the art of “not now” when it comes to purchases like those.

For me, it has become easy in these years of watching our pennies as we raise three children while also trying to climb out of student loan debt to know that although I want it, I don’t really have to have it. I also many times don’t even need it.

As quickly as the thoughts above desiring something pop into my head, they leave just as fast as I reason it out in my mind. Later. Later. Later. I chant.

Yet, sometimes, I find myself in a similar trap when it comes to mothering.

“Ooooh how I wish the baby slept through the night.”

“Oh! I wish all my kids were older so the hubby and I didn’t have to get a sitter”

“I just wish I could pick up and go wherever I wanted.”

Thoughts like these were invading my mind today as I scrolled through my FB feed. I saw a friend from long ago about to embark on a trip to Africa. How exciting. “What must that be like?” I immediately thought.

I see pictures of grown children who are getting married and leaving their parents empty-nesters. I see a friend excited about a girl trip she is about to take. And, I want it. ALL of it.

When I imagine a child-free life, stretched on a beach somewhere with no kids to worry about, my first thought?

“Wow. That sounds so nice.” Laying on a beach with my husband and not a care in the world except your own thoughts, and the thoughts of the person you love most. My frazzled, I-just-returned-from-IKEA-with-three-kids, mind can hardly grasp the thought.

And, then I am reminded.

I do have it all.

Having-it-all-with-kids

I have a husband who loves me and supports our family financially so I can stay home.

I have three children who are happy and healthy.

Who write me notes on a random Thursday afternoon that say, “I love you Mommy. You are the best mom in the whole world!” I think of the toddler who wakes up yelling from the other room (even though he only has like 5 real words) screaming, “MAAAAAA MA!”

I think of the air-conditioned house I sit in, and the beautiful backyard and friendly neighbors surrounding me.

I think of the giggles and laughs that are spontaneous in a family like mine because the baby is laughing hysterically when his older brother farts at the dinner table. No matter what kind of mood you are in, THAT is funny.

I remember JOY. I am having it all.

The problem is, we scroll through social media,  and everywhere else, and imagine what life would be like if we had married our old boyfriends, or if we were that couple on the beach with no kids to look after, or if we were that friend on her way to Africa.

We put ourselves in the shoes of others where we don’t belong. We fantasize.

Sure, some people are making the choice that is best for them by not having kids. And, maybe in their minds, they do have it all.

But, I know in my heart that life would by no means feel like I had it all. I don’t consider them selfish. In fact, I don’t think I’m judging them at all. To be honest, it looks nice. Amazing, in fact.

But comparing ourselves to others is never really going to end well. I know for example, that a child-free life, to me, would mean a joy-less life. And, having it all means looking around me and feeling joy in the little things. Even if I have to actively look for the joyful moments. Because, they are always there.

In every single day.

The hard part is seeing them. Recognizing the joyful moments in every day is what brings us closer to feeling at peace in whatever circumstances we are in.

I sometimes feel frustrated at myself because I do have to work at it. I don’t naturally think positively.

Some people just do. But, I can’t just flip a switch some days and choose to be happy. Those that say, “Just focus on the positive” obviously don’t feel and think what I think. My mind was not wired that way.  Sure, I can do it. But, is it easy? No way. It is extremely difficult. It is an inner battle.

It is my weight to carry. Because, life was meant to be joy-full.

It is hard in this media saturated world to look away and not imagine. To not fantasize about something that would take you away from your own trials, difficulties and struggles.

To not fantasize about having a clean house all the time, or no one to pick up after.

But, one thing I know for sure? I know I can at least be grateful everyday for something.

That’s easy. Because we are all blessed in some ways. And, I am blessed by a loving husband and three little people that scream, “MAAAAA MA!” first thing in the morning.

Just the other day, I woke up around 7 am and was surprised to see that I had actually been allowed to sleep that late. I lay there listening to the silence of my house. I remembered thinking, “Wow. It’s so quiet!”

It was a foreign experience at that time of day. I imagined, in that moment, as I lie awake thinking of a time that is really not that far away when I will be much older, and that will be the norm.

And, I realized that I will be sad when that day comes. When there are no shouts for mommy at 6:30 am from a happy, smiling baby.

So those thoughts of, “I wonder what life would be like if….” are ones that I don’t want anymore. Instead, I want to say, “If only they could feel what I feel, then they would be happy.”

And, when I stop and think about the little things, I can’t help but find the joy in being a Mom to three amazing human beings. To me, THAT is having it all. And, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

More posts on parenting you’ll love: 

To The Moms Fighting All The Battles That No One Sees

Moms Are The Holders

Why I Believe It’s OK To Say Out Loud That Motherhood Is Hard

More posts on having it all: 

Executive Women and The Myth of Having It All

Based on What Society Tells Working Moms, I’m Ready To Lean Out

Having It All. And Hating It.

 


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Comments

  1. Rayna says

    August 2, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    The way to have it all is to have the kids but still take the trips because you have a nanny who can watch your kids when you need that vacation alone! Now THAT is having it all!! LOL!!

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      August 2, 2013 at 3:39 pm

      Truth! 🙂

      Reply
  2. Ashley Austrew says

    August 2, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    Great post! It’s so easy to get caught up in a case of the wants, and you’re right: social media makes it so much worse. I traveled before I had my daughter, and I even lived in South Korea for a while, and sometimes I look back and think, what happened to that woman? Will I ever have that freedom again? But then I remember being in South Korea and being depressed because I was lonely in a new place with no one to share it with. You’re absolutely right: it takes reminding, but these people we love and who love us really do bring us so much more happiness than we realize.

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      August 2, 2013 at 3:40 pm

      It’s true. Reminders are good!

      Reply
  3. adventures says

    August 2, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    I agree with you about family giving us all we need 🙂

    Reply
  4. the okayest mom says

    August 2, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    Thanks for the reminder. I’m sick and the kids are loud and there are so many dirty diapers! I needed this today. 🙂

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      August 2, 2013 at 5:36 pm

      Ugh! I’m sorry. When Mom is sick, things just suck!

      Reply
  5. Average But Inspired says

    August 2, 2013 at 6:51 pm

    Great post and a great reminder. Thank you. 🙂

    Reply
  6. Jan's bulletin board says

    August 2, 2013 at 11:56 pm

    Wonderful post! And you are absolutely right – you will miss it.

    Reply
  7. Colleen @ The Family Pants says

    August 3, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    Our babies bring us happiness that is craved by so many, including our younger more “free” selves. It doesn’t lesson the need to nurture ourselves (even through furniture 😉 )but it adds a perspective that is priceless. We are better for our children even when that means going days without a shower and hours between sleep. Great post, mama. 🙂

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      August 4, 2013 at 8:58 pm

      Thank you!

      Reply
  8. cookie1986 says

    August 4, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    I always said I would never ever have kids. And when I changed my mind, i felt whole. I hear you on every word of this.

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      August 4, 2013 at 8:59 pm

      So true, huh?

      Reply
  9. Amber Perea says

    August 5, 2013 at 11:30 pm

    I had this moment just last evening. I did the whole “what if” thing.

    Then I listened to some old music that I identified with back then. It was lonely. I was lonely.

    The one thing that I never am now is lonely. So, maybe not having kids may be “freedom” for some…for me, it wouldn’t be being a part of something bigger than just myself. And that sounds sad, not free. 🙂

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      August 6, 2013 at 10:26 am

      TRUE!! That is very well put. 🙂

      Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

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Meredith Ethington

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

Read the rest in my substack ❤️
New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression
"I don't care" as I literally care about every sin "I don't care" as I literally care about every single thing.
I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

Yes, even for you Karen. ➡️➡️ to keep reading.
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But, the loss of yourself in motherhood is real. And It’s not talked about enough." 

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Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon
I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and a dress with spaghetti straps and a Tshirt under it while you’re telling me I’m doing it wrong? 🤣 Life is wild. Teenagers are fun.
Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s th Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s the moral of the story friends? If you think your household is always sick - it’s because they probably are. Kids make everything more germ-y
Here’s what I do know 👇 No one knows what th Here’s what I do know 👇

No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
Our kids love us anyway. 
We’re all going to be OK. 
You’ve got this (as much as any of us do) 😘

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Do you struggle with perfectionism? Parenthood has helped me quite a bit, but It's something I've battled my whole life. I still struggle occasionally, although it's gotten better. But, let's stop trying to avoid being human and instead embrace ourselves an in turn embrace the entire human race. ❤️ I'd love to hear how you embrace being imperfect. 

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Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
It’s true! Researchers have found that as long a It’s true! Researchers have found that as long as you’re doing the repair after mistakes the other times - then 30% is enough! Sometimes I worry I’m not doing it right but I definitely know I’m doing it right 30% of the time! 
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