So, I’ve been watching this high quality TV show online called, Ready for Love. It’s a dating show on crack, so to speak. Anyway, there is this one girl on there that uses humor as her defense mechanism a lot. She frequently is self-deprecating, and the matchmakers who act as “mentors” for these poor girls that put themselves through this, keep giving her a really hard time about how she is constantly putting herself down in order to crack a joke. Needless to say, I love her and find it quite endearing. Probably because I tend to do the same thing.
And, I’m about to do it again. We’ll see if you find it endearing, or if you think it makes me look sad and depressed (for the record, I’m not).
But, after I wrote this post yesterday, I re-read it and immediately hated it. Then, I went on to coming close to a nervous breakdown around dinner time, and felt like a hypocrite. My youngest is seriously a mess when it comes to meal time, and with my other two fighting in the backyard about who had the biggest stick, and how so and so is not sharing their bike with me (even though I have my own bike), while tears ensued from ALL THREE CHILDREN, I felt like I was going to lose it. I took lots of deep breaths, thought about how that post was all sappy sweet and positive, and frankly, I just got more annoyed at myself.
Do you ever just annoy yourself? I do.
I’m not talking about when you don’t like something about yourself like your big butt or whatever, I’m talking about when you are just annoyed at something you do or say. I don’t know exactly what I’m describing here (which is also annoying me), but let me ramble a bit, K?
For example, I frequently am talking to my sister and laugh in a way that I find super annoying. And, I think, “How do other people not get annoyed at that laugh!??? It’s annoying me.” And, don’t even get me started on how my voice sounds when I hear it on a recording!!
I’m sure there are lots of examples, but sometimes, I read the stuff I write on this blog, and later, it annoys me. I don’t want to delete it because it is true to how I felt in the moment, or maybe it’s just my way of thinking out loud. Ahem. I do that a lot. How annoying, I know.
I don’t consider myself a super positive person. I don’t really think I’m that negative either, but somewhere in the middle. I like to think of myself as an analyzer, and a realist.
But, I find that it can be really annoying when I am positive to my typically not so positive self the next day. Or apparently, the next hour as in my case yesterday.
Sure, I can be self-reflective about this whole mothering gig, and write beautiful thoughts that sometimes even inspire people. But, then I face the reality of being a Mom in the 4-6 pm hours of the day, and I want to kill that self-reflective, positive goody two shoes. Because I often get frustrated and feel like, “Why can’t I just be blogging Meredith in real life?”
But, before you all think that maybe when I am being super positive and writing beautiful thoughts, that I am not being authentic, I am!!! (Split personalities much?).
And, I guess that’s the part that annoys me.
Whew. I’m glad I got all that out. Moving on.
Someone please tell me that you annoy yourself too?