Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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In the Motherhood

I Have to Stop

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I wrote a post yesterday and just didn’t like it. So, I didn’t publish it. I felt “off” all day, and couldn’t figure it out (besides the horrendous lack of sleep from the night before where I was literally woken up 7 times by both human and non-human creatures). But, aside from the lack of sleep, I felt a little blah about the blog. So, I figured better not publish the post if I wasn’t sure about it.

But, today, I think I figured out why I didn’t like it and it was because I was being judgmental. Big time.

Lately, I’ve been trying really hard to be less judgmental of other people. Especially other Moms. But, I wrote this post yesterday and I couldn’t write it in a way that didn’t sound like I was being judgmental. So, I figure, I probably WAS being judgmental.

A phrase kept coming into my head from a talk by one of our church leaders. He shared how he saw a bumper sticker that said, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.” Since that talk, I’ve thought about that often.

Being judgmental is human nature. So, it’s hard not to be. Especially when it seems like every other mom in the world is looking you up and down, judging every step you take.

Part of the reason why I am on this quest to stop the judging of other moms is because of how much I see it happening all over the blogosphere. EVERYWHERE. And, the thing that bugs me about it is that it all feels fake. All of it. When a post is written pointing out a flaw of something another mom wrote on her blog, or did at the park, or whatever, I think they are just trying to stir the pot so that others will see their blog and they will get comments. So that it will go viral.

Anyway, so I was writing this post yesterday, and I was judging a particular group of moms that are parenting kids in the tween/ teen age. And THAT’s where I realized my huge flaw in my opinions. Who the crap am I to judge these mothers when I have never raised a tween girl or teen girl myself? Sure, I can have all the opinions I want about what kind of mom I’m going to be in 3 or 4 years when my daughter hits that stage, but until you are in the thick of it, or rather, until you are OUT of it, who are you to give advice or scrutinize someone else’s way of raising their kid?

Before I had kids, I swore I would never do a lot of things (like feed them hotdogs for dinner) but here I am, doing them. So, when I see a first time mom struggling with something, I smile and think, “I’ve been there. It’s so hard. She just needs encouragement, not my advice”.  Geez. I think I might be growing up people. Sure, I can have my opinions all day long, but I’m not going to call out other moms that I think are screwing things up, before I’ve actually been there/done that.

Ironically, my post was also about the subject of how kids these days (I’m definitely growing up if I’m using that phrase) are learning how to judge each other so  young. It went a little something like this….(edited to take out my judgmental voice)

So, I was standing around at the elementary school with my kids waiting for the first bell to ring. I started to entertain myself by checking out what the kids around me were wearing.

I guess I was doing this partially because while I was watching my daughter get dressed this morning and put on one of the 7 shirts she tends to rotate, I was thinking, “Crap! Did she wear this already this week?” I was worried that she might have. She’s a first grader people…..Who cares! Right?

So, that coupled with a note she got from her little friend yesterday that said in 1st grade fashion:

Dear Av, (maybe she wasn’t sure how to spell Avery)

You have a grate smile. you’r red hair is so cute. you’r clos are so cute to. love,

I LOVE reading these little notes she brings home. But, I was stuck on that last sentence. I’m pretty good now at reading phonetically, but this one had me stumped. My husband said, “It’s clothes.”

OH. Really? They are getting compliments on their clothes at 6 years old? sigh.

As I was looking around, I noticed that a lot of kids were put together, and a lot of them were thrown together. And a select few kids were put together with a thrown together look.  This one girl had on a floral skirt, gray leggings that didn’t match, and striped socks up to her knees. It looked cute. In a weird way.

I remember being obsessed with getting a pair of Guess jeans when I was in middle school. To me, they were everything. But, we didn’t have the money for my parents to spend $50 on a single pair of jeans. So, the answer was no from my parents despite my persistent begging and pleading. I remember to this day how badly I wanted those. How important they seemed. I remember going to garage sales with my Mom and just hoping that I would run across a pair. I think I eventually did get a stonewashed pair that were second hand from somewhere.

Now, I don’t care about brands one bit. Maybe it’s out of necessity because we have a butt load of student loans, but honestly, it just doesn’t matter all that much to me where something comes from. Remember, I mostly shop at Target.

But, I do worry about this in our world where everything is assigned a value. Like this article that talks about how kids are obsessed with the number of likes they get on a photo on Instagram.  Young kids. They learn REAL quick that everything is assigned a value these days in this media obsessed culture we live in.

How do you teach that the only “value” that is important is the one that comes from Above when you yourself find “value” in the material things? In things that don’t matter? I find myself thinking about shopping with her. I say things like, “Oh that’s not cute” or “I don’t like how that looks”. I wonder how she is internalizing it. Is she looking at a shirt on a friend at school that her Mom said, “wasn’t cute” and putting stock into that?

I like to think I’m the perfect role model and she will KNOW where her value comes from, but then I think about things I still do as a 35 year old like:

I still look around at other Moms and compare their cute(r) outfits with mine.

I still find myself feeling inadequate.

I scan crowds of kids to see what they’re wearing (duh!)

I diet. (although I don’t talk about it around or to her) I tend to blow off when my kids ask why I’m not eating the pasta with a non-chalant response like, “I just don’t want it”

I put value into what someone is wearing too by commenting on a cute skirt, or top of a friend.

We all do it don’t we? Because clothes do say a lot about ourselves.

They can tell us how much someone cares about their appearance. Crap!

They can tell us how much money someone has. Crap!

They can tell us how often someone does laundry. CRAP!

They can tell us what activity they might be participating in that day. (except for those that wear Yoga pants ALL day…Crap.)

Maybe we should just all become nudists? Kidding. SERIOUSLY kidding.

One of the most important things I want to teach my girl is to be kind. Don’t judge. Be confident. And, love those around her just the way they are. The problem with teaching these kinds of lessons, is that we have to learn how to overcome our own insecurities. We all have them. I know that I do. I could NEVER be a nudist. Religion and germaphobia aside, it would never happen. Too much insecurity here. But, working on finding our own self-worth shouldn’t stop when we have kids. In fact, we need to work on it even more!! I need to work on it even more.

I like to think that I will not fall into the trap of worrying about if my child fits in. Yet, I want to fit in so badly…even still.

I like to think that my kids won’t be the judgmental ones. Yet, I still judge others based on their appearance.

I like to think that my kids won’t feel the need to do what everyone else is doing. Yet, I still feel myself looking at pinterest and feeling inadequate.

I like to think that my daughter will not worry so much about how she looks. Yet, I still spend time looking at myself in the mirror obsessing about what I am going to wear to a playdate at the park.

I have to stop wanting, comparing, and obsessing.

I have to stop trying to fit in.

I have to stop sharing something on FB before I really give it much thought.

I have to stop before I can teach her that it’s not important. The clothes, the number of likes on facebook, the number of followers your blog has….


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Comments

  1. donofalltrades says

    April 26, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    Your brain is simply fascinating to me!

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      April 26, 2013 at 3:09 pm

      Thank you?

      Reply
  2. Mother of a Warrior says

    April 26, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    Good words here….

    Reply
  3. Ashley Austrew says

    April 26, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    This post speaks to me so much. I’ve been on that path of trying not to be so judgmental for a while, too. Sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I don’t. But there is absolutely too much judgment in the mom community. All of that fakeness, etc? That was a huge part of the reason I got rid of my old blog. I felt like I was trying to fit into that mold and it made me hate writing. lol I don’t do well with faking stuff just to drum up controversy. I think sometimes I share or participate in judgey things because they’re funny, but then I end up wondering if “funny” is worth tearing people down. I like that bumper sticker. It’s good advice.

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      April 26, 2013 at 3:39 pm

      I have to tell you Ashley that I’m so glad I found your blog when I did. I was on that path to working really hard to try and have that mommy blog with sponsors, and tons of followers, etc. and your words as to why you switched blogs, etc. really meant a lot to me. It has really made me pause when I write and think about things like am I writing this for popularity or because I really believe it? Anyway, since you have kind of been there in the mommy blogging world, I kind of use you as my example. So…thanks!

      Reply
      • Emily Davenport says

        April 26, 2013 at 4:03 pm

        Sometime clothes are all we have to go on. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt but we’re required to make judgement calls all the time. I’m pretty sure most of us are doing the best we can, right?

        Reply
      • Ashley Austrew says

        April 26, 2013 at 6:49 pm

        Don’t get me wrong; I was never like huge. But I did run ads, do giveaways, etc. Whether or not you like it just depends on you. If I was one of those big time bloggers getting trips to Disney World and stuff, maybe I’d feel differently. Lol The important thing is to find your own kind of success using your own authentic voice. I think you have a great voice and I love reading your posts.

        Reply
  4. Liz @ TheLambentLife says

    April 26, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    Oh this is so hard. I wish I could be more like my children without their preconceptions and cynicism toward people and life. I think I’m harder on myself than others which is no better because I turn around and hold others to these unachievable standards that I set for myself. So these poor folks are playing a game with rules they aren’t even aware of. So yea, I need to stop, too. I just pray I don’t screw up my kids too badly.

    Reply
    • Robyn Gobbel, LCSW says

      April 27, 2013 at 6:19 am

      I loved this insight: ‘So these poor folks are playing a game with rules they aren’t even aware of.’ Brilliant.

      Reply
  5. Serene says

    April 27, 2013 at 8:45 am

    Hello! I’ve been meaning to come by ever since you left a comment on my blog a while ago.
    Anyway, I really enjoyed this post. Although I had to laugh. I grew up in a family of 8 kids and we all lived in hand-me-downs. We were like the go-to family to pass off your clothes if you were cleaning out your closets. And in truth, we loved it!
    By the time I was a teenager, I was buying a lot of my own clothes, mostly from Ross. I wanted to look nice but didn’t know or care a thing about brands. Perhaps part of this stems from the fact that I was homeschooled through middle and high and started college at 16. I also had good friends who didn’t care a ton about clothes either.
    Now that I have a bunch of kids, we are the “go-to” family to drop off old clothes. 95% of the clothes my kids have and wear are hand-me-downs. They don’t care, and as long as they look decent, I don’t care.
    Most of my clothes I buy clearance or find at a discount store. Occasionally I’ll splurge and buy something new. So I’m always surprised when someone tells me I look classy or that I’m always dressed nice. i can’t help but look down at my clothes and think, “this whole outfit cost me what…. $15?” LOL!
    Anyway, sure sometimes I look at someone and think, “Man, I wish I looked like her, or dressed like her,” or something. Like you said, it’s human nature. But as they say, never judge a book by it’s cover.” 🙂

    Great post!

    Reply
  6. keladelaide says

    April 27, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    Clothes maketh the man? I like that you challenge this societal norm as we all should.

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      April 27, 2013 at 9:42 pm

      Well I don’t know if they MAKE the man …

      Reply
      • keladelaide says

        April 28, 2013 at 7:18 am

        The man maketh the clothes that maketh the man…

        Reply
  7. The Hook says

    April 29, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    You sound perfect to me!

    Reply
  8. Jessica Scott says

    April 29, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    Great post!I really like that you took it upon yourself to post what every mommy needs to hear. I am guilty of judging at times but like you said it’s human nature. But stopping to think about it is what we all need to do. I’m so glad there’s actually mature moms out there! Kudos 🙂

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      April 29, 2013 at 5:34 pm

      Thanks!

      Reply
  9. ehbates says

    April 30, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Great post. I love that talk from President Uchtdorf–sometimes we just need that reminder to “Stop it!” Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

    Reply
  10. Amber Perea says

    April 30, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    Great post! It never came up in my reader! We’re always the hardest on ourselves, right?

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Meredith Ethington

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I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

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The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

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It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

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