Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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In the Motherhood Inspiration Motherhood Parenting

I Was Robbed and I Couldn’t Stop It.

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“You’re not allowed to turn five.”

I’ve told him this at least 10 times in the past two months as his birthday has been looming. For him, the excitement is palpable and has been for a while. But, to me, having your youngest turn five feels a little like your baby has been kidnapped.

Five years flew by, and I was supposed to savor these more than the last two times around.

I did. I know I did. I feel peace in my heart that I savored as much as I possibly could savor without neglecting piles of laundry, and dirty bathrooms.

Which is why losing the last child as he turns into a big kid is the hardest. I think it’s because I saw how precious it was.

You see, I know that he’ll always be my baby. But, I look at him and he says words like “actually” now and sounded out the word taxi on a toy today, and I feel like someone stole him from me. In fact, nobody did, but the tugging on my heart is inescapable. I am happy for him. I really am. To him, his birthday means presents, and another day closer to being big.

To me, having him turn 5 feels like a theft. Time stole my baby, and I know I’m never getting him back.

It’s a hard phenomenon to explain. The realization that you’re no longer a mom in the trenches, and instead, you’ll be eligible to have hours of free time when your youngest starts Kindergarten. Maybe I’ll join the PTO or organize a closet. But, what do those really matter when I realize that the pudgy arm hugs from my babies are gone forever, and instead I’m expected to just keep on breathing knowing that time is robbing me, and I can’t do a damn thing.

When my oldest started Kindergarten, I was happy for her. I didn’t feel that sadness, because I knew she was ready. I know he’s ready, too, but the shift is that I’m not ready anymore. I’m not ready to say good-bye to the way he says breakfast like “bwekfwast” and I’m not ready for him to be able to de-code my spelling out of words I don’t want him to hear to my husband. I’m not ready for him to go to bed willingly and not ask for 15 more kisses and hugs. I’m not ready for any of the stuff I was ready for 10 years ago.

Watching your kids grow up feels like they are being kidnapped right before your eyes. Because when you’re a mom, you are their safe place, and their home, and their place to fall apart. As they grow, time kidnaps that from you so slowly as they gain independence. It feels like you’re being legitimately robbed of the most beautiful thing you’ve ever experienced, or will ever experience.

You’re being robbed, while you’re still holding the goods. And, you can’t do a single thing about it.

I’d like to say that the more you savor the small things, and enjoy the quiet moments with your kids the less you’ll feel robbed. But, I don’t think that’s true anymore. In fact, I think it’s quite the opposite. You’ll realize even more the treasure their baby years were and you’ll look away from the baby albums because right now it still is too fresh. Too soon to reminisce because it hurts.

I know I sound dramatic. But, my baby is turning 5 tomorrow. So, in my mind, he’s practically married with kids and living two states away worrying about his mortgage or something.

Today, on his last day of being four, we drew a picture together. I watched as he erased things and tried over and over to do it himself before asking for help. He said, with disappointment, that it just wasn’t turning out right. I felt a tug at my heart. I know how he feels. Some days motherhood doesn’t turn out right for me either. I don’t savor, I don’t enjoy, or I don’t relax into the moment with them. I let time just steal it from me.

I want to erase and go back.

But, I believe, that while I feel robbed now, one day, I’ll step back from that picture that I wanted to erase and re-do a million times and I’ll feel whole. At least I am praying for that. I’m counting on it.

I hope I’ll be able to open the baby albums and relish in the round cheeks and the cute voices, and I’ll remember that motherhood didn’t rob me like I’m feeling right now. In fact, it’s the greatest gift I’ve ever been given. And, it makes me the richest woman I know.

what-it-really-feels-like-to-leave-the-baby-stage-behind


3 Comments

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Comments

  1. BJL says

    December 8, 2016 at 9:40 pm

    I needed to read this today. Good to share the feeling of happy sadness.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      December 8, 2016 at 9:51 pm

      Glad you enjoyed it.

      Reply
  2. Marielle says

    December 10, 2016 at 11:30 pm

    This was a good reminder today. It is going fast over here too. I want to savor it all even more and not worry quite so much. I’m right with you though…it does hurt! Stop growing!!!!

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

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Meredith Ethington

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

Read the rest in my substack ❤️
New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression
"I don't care" as I literally care about every sin "I don't care" as I literally care about every single thing.
I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

Yes, even for you Karen. ➡️➡️ to keep reading.
Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mea Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mean someone loves you that much to communicate them! Love this wisdom from @wittyidiot
NEW POST ----> "This is not a post about loss of a NEW POST ----> "This is not a post about loss of a loved one. Or loss of a child. Those things are real, and they’re heart wrenching. And, this post is certainly not to compare that loss with the one I’m going to talk about.

But, the loss of yourself in motherhood is real. And It’s not talked about enough." 

Do you feel like you lost yourself in motherhood? How? I really want to know. 

Psss - I am in grad school to become a therapist, and am not ashamed to ask that you subscribe to my paid substack. I just lowered the cost to $36/year! That's like $4/month and you'll have access to all my previous posts, and some new weekly short posts to give you ideas to help with balancing motherhood and your own mental health. I'm learning a lot in school, and will only continue to do so, so subscribe and we'll support each other. ❤️
This memory made me laugh this morning. 🤣 This memory made me laugh this morning. 🤣
Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon
I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and a dress with spaghetti straps and a Tshirt under it while you’re telling me I’m doing it wrong? 🤣 Life is wild. Teenagers are fun.
Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s th Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s the moral of the story friends? If you think your household is always sick - it’s because they probably are. Kids make everything more germ-y
Here’s what I do know 👇 No one knows what th Here’s what I do know 👇

No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
Our kids love us anyway. 
We’re all going to be OK. 
You’ve got this (as much as any of us do) 😘

#momspiration #momlife #funnymoms #memtalhealth #parentinglife #parentingquotes
"By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to "By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to avoid being human." 

Do you struggle with perfectionism? Parenthood has helped me quite a bit, but It's something I've battled my whole life. I still struggle occasionally, although it's gotten better. But, let's stop trying to avoid being human and instead embrace ourselves an in turn embrace the entire human race. ❤️ I'd love to hear how you embrace being imperfect. 

#perfecționism #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #anxiety #imperfect #perfectpending #themotherload #thementalload
Mood. Mood.
Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
It’s true! Researchers have found that as long a It’s true! Researchers have found that as long as you’re doing the repair after mistakes the other times - then 30% is enough! Sometimes I worry I’m not doing it right but I definitely know I’m doing it right 30% of the time! 
Probably a whole lot more to be honest. I bet you are too. #momlife #encouragement #momspiration
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