If You Judge People, You Have No Time to Love Them.

In the car today, Kyle did a sweet thing by picking up Chandler’s blanket he had purposely dropped, but was now screaming over. I was proud of him for being so sweet. I said to him,

“Kyle, you are such a good brother. You know that?” Looking at him in the rear view mirror.

He smiles and says, “Yeah.”

I continue: “I think Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when he put you right in the middle in our family. Because, you are a good little brother and a good big brother”.

Blank stare.

I think I need to make my point more. “I bet he was thinking, ‘I’m going to send Avery down first to be the big sister. Then, Kyle to be the little brother, and then Chandler so Kyle can be a big brother too!’ What do you think about that?”

Stares at me for a minute and yells, “Apple pie!”

Sometimes teaching moments are just lost aren’t they? But, that’s OK. I know it’s soaking in somewhere.

I think adults are the same way. Sometimes we try to talk to our peers, and it is like hitting our heads against a brick wall. We try to share our struggles and trials with a friend, and they just can’t relate. It’s like they are sitting there thinking, “What’s her problem? That doesn’t sound so hard. What I do everyday is hard.”

I was thinking this morning about parenting and the trials we have as parents. More specifically, I was thinking about how we all seem so sensitive to our own trials, but so insensitive to the trials of others. Or, maybe it isn’t insensitivity, but just a lack of understanding that what might be a difficult trial for one would be an easy thing for another to endure.

Have you ever heard people say, “The Lord doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” I believe that. But, believe me, there are days, when I want to scream, “Really Lord? I KNOW I can’t handle this.”  In fact, I may have said those very words out loud a few times. But, in the end, I do handle it. And usually, I’ve learned a lesson in the process.

An outsider might look at my life and see a great husband, with a good job, a cute house, and three beautiful kids. It would be easy to think that I have a cushy life. Or, that I don’t appreciate what I have. But, the truth is, I have my struggles too. And, they are struggles that are mostly kept on the inside and not apparent to those around me.

There are people that I know that struggle with financial issues. There are families I know that have a child with a disability. There are families that I know that struggle with loss or infertility. There are divorces, and abuse. There are people dealing with drug addiction, and extended family turmoil. Many of these things are apparent to an outsider. So, we think we have a grasp on how hard it must be. But, the truth is, we don’t. Because we can’t see inside another person’s heart. While one person might sail through a struggle with a child with food allergies and think it is no big deal, another might be crippled by it. We are all unique. We all handle things differently.

One of my trials as a mother has been dealing with my own mental health while also trying to raise small children. This has been a big trial of mine. There are days when I don’t think I was cut out for this job as a Mom. Yet, there are only a handful that know that this is a trial for me. Even some people very close to me do not realize the extent of it. They may believe that I’m just a whiner, or a complainer, while not realizing that I have a family history of mental health issues. That, I struggle with anxiety. That I have suffered from PPD. That not yelling at my kids is a hurdle that sometimes seems insurmountable, but is something I desperately want.

It’s easy to see another person fumbling through their own parenting trial and think, “Why can’t they just be grateful for what they have?” or “Why can’t they pull it together?” People have been inclined to tell me to “just focus on the good things in your life” or “stop complaining. I would kill to have what you have”.

Listen to me, please. That behavior is just NOT FAIR.

Who are you to tell me that I am not grateful just because I complain from time to time? Can you see into my heart and soul. Do you hear my prayers?

Who are you to tell me that I just need to focus on the good and I’ll snap out of my bad mood? Do you feel my feelings of anger, hopelessness, and fear? Things I cannot control even though every part of me is trying?

Who are you to tell me that your trial is harder than mine? It’s not. My trial is mine. And your trial is yours. Do you think that God decided to just take it easier on me than you? Sure, our trials are different, but what may seem easy to you, feels impossible to me.

Who are you to tell me I’m doing things the wrong way? I have to learn just like everyone else does. Parenting is a lot of trial and error. What works for my family may not work for yours. And, vice versa. Just because your child sleeps through the night at 4 months doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong because mine doesn’t.

One of my favorite quotes from Mother Theresa is, “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”

Don’t judge me for what you think I can just get over. And, I’ll try not to do the same.

And, hopefully your response to this post won’t be:  “Apple pie!”