OK. I know that they mean the same thing. But, Housewife?
Here’s what I picture when I hear that word. 50’s women wearing poodle skirts and pearls. Perfect houses. Stepford Wives. You get the idea. I certainly don’t picture me. (the frazzled mom roaming around the grocery store with two kids just trying to find that one last thing on her list) But, I guess technically I’m a housewife because I’m a stay at home Mom.
The reason why I hate this word is because it implies I am married to my house. And, let’s be real. I kind of am. I feel like the house controls me and my decisions daily. Do I leave the kitchen dishes crusting on the table while I try to get to the store earlier to fill my pantry that is bare, or do I clean them now, go to the store later, and risk the baby falling asleep on the way home which will screw up his nap, and probably my whole day?
I have to make decisions every day like, Do I wipe up that salad dressing that the baby pulled out of the fridge and broke on my kitchen floor with a paper towel hoping to get the chance to mop later? (which you know I will not do…at least not today) OR Do I skip swiping with a clorox wipe my bathroom counters before company comes over and risk them seeing how my bathroom really looks most days? OK, that’s an obvious one.
Do I play with the kids for 15 minutes, but have to stay up late folding laundry?
Do I cook dinner and make a huge mess in the kitchen that I just cleaned up from breakfast, or do we just go out? Again.
The truth is, being a housewife kinda sucks. I do however love being a stay at home Mom. I like that term a LOT better.
I was having a recent argument discussion with my husband the other day about chores. I was trying to explain to him how I like my job, but I hate it too. He was trying to understand my point which was that I couldn’t stand the clutter and the messes. I can’t keep up with it all on my own. I feel overwhelmed by the household tasks on almost a daily basis. And I feel like it keeps me from doing better things. I would much rather be doing a craft with my kids than mopping my kitchen floor. But, 99% of the time, I choose the chore. Because I can’t live in a messy space.
I used an analogy that I thought he could relate to. I suggested that maybe he loves his job. Loves saving lives and all that good stuff that comes with being in the medical field. But, one part of his job is that he has to do charting everyday. He HATES charting. But, he has to do it. It is part of his job. But, wouldn’t he love it if a colleague of his came up to him and said, “Hey, I’ll help you with your charting today so you can go home a little earlier” or better yet, “I’ll do your charting for you.”
I know that the meals, the cleaning, and the laundry are my responsibility. It is a HUGE part of my job. I made that choice when we decided I would be that stay at home mom. But, that aspect of my job I hate. And, I just wish someone would do it for me OK?
My point is, I can see why some women would rather divorce than become a “housewife”. If we see our jobs from an outsider’s perspective we might just see the cleaning, and laundry, and cooking. But, we would miss a whole lot of wonderful things too.
You just might miss the fact that….
I get to be home for the first steps, the first words, the first time figuring something out. I am always here for every milestone. A luxury my husband (who is the breadwinner) doesn’t get.
You might miss the moments of seeing my kids say I love you to each other. Or hug each other for no reason at all.
You might not see the thoughtful note from the 6 year old that just says, “I love you Mom. You do good things”. She may have had someone else in her life that she would have expressed that to. Instead, I am always here. It is me that she wants to say that to.
You don’t see all the welcome home from school hugs I get or the snuggles from the 4 year old boy that is usually not sitting still.
You would miss seeing me teach my child a valuable lesson “in the moment” and the satisfaction I feel the next time they make the better choice.
You would miss the feelings I get when I get to comfort a child that gets hurt at the playground. Not someone else. But, ME.
And many of the benefits that I believe are happening in my family as a result of me being a stay at home Mom I don’t see yet. And you most definitely don’t. That is where faith comes in. My role is more than a societal one. I feel it is an important calling from the Almighty himself.
Sure, I have bad days. I’ve been blogging about them a lot lately. But I push forward thinking that the benefits to me staying home are not all right in front of me at this moment. If I had to look at just what was happening in my house today, there might be a very good chance I would walk out the door, and walk into the first place that would hire me.
Me & The Hubby. Married one whole year in this picture. Man, we looked young. We had a life full of choices ahead of us.
I had the desire for a career. To become a Family Therapist. Or, Forensic Psychologist. But, the truth is I wanted kids more. And, once that decision was made, nothing else mattered.
I knew where I wanted to be. Sure, I long for the days where I’m not wiping bums and mouths all day long. But, I know they will come again. For right here, and right now, I know being in my home is where I’m supposed to be.
I am all for women choosing what they want and what is right for their family. Maybe they have no choice at all. I recognize that. And, feel blessed that I do. I know the job isn’t perfect, but it isn’t all that bad either.
For the last year I have been a stay at home dad to my 21-month-old son. I work part time in the evenings and my wife works 9-5 during the week. I really enjoy spending time at home not only with my son but also working around the house.
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Chris Hall
The Adventures of Jaydon and Daddy
http://JaydonAndDaddy.com
How about homemaker? It can sounds like an outdated word but it means what you make it mean, I think. How to spend my time as the home CEO of sorts is always a struggle. I think we are all there with you! As far as cleaning, getting rid of a literal truckload of stuff (something I did in the throes of postpartum depression – Matt thought I was crazy, and, I was!) has helped me so much in that area. A truckload less to organize and clean.
Have you read “To Hell with All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife” by Caitlin Flanagan? It has been a few years but I remember I really liked it.
Homemaker sounds a little better. I haven’t read that book, but sounds like I need to check it out!
I think a housewife implies a woman who does not have children and stays home taking care of the house. That may be just my perception though!
I guess it is all semantics, but you might be right!
For some reason the term makes me think of Mary Tyler Moore’s character on the old Dick Van Dyke show. 😉
I chalk the chores up to the part of work that I can’t stand! (Like my old boss’s 3 hour meetings). I also try to clean as I go so it won’t collect and become overwhelming. I love staying at home though. I hated it at first becuase I thought it was just chores but it really is so much more!!
If there’s one statement that bugs me most it’s when a woman (or a man) proclaims, “I’m a stay at home Mom/Dad” and next, “I’m a single Mom….” and you can throw in there too…”I’m a full time stay at home, MoM” while you are at it.
It’s not because it’s connotative of the state of being at home with with the kids (sans working outside of the home), it’s honestly the phrase itself that is so irksome. Add to that, and sorry if it seems I’m being harsh, but…the whole Mommy – blogger thing is almost nearly as a revolting. It’s a peeve of mine – one that makes no sense other than having heard it, read it – ad nauseum and being completely irrational about it (as I type at your blog) I’ve become unjustifiably disdaining of it.
In fact, I applaud any parent who chooses to stay at home and raise their kids. I just don’t want to hear that damn term anymore! I want the world of stay at home parents to find another description, instead of the tedious, perky aphorism that it’s become. SPEW, over.
You sure did pick an interesting place to vent about the SAHM/Mommy Blogger. But, I guess we each have our own things that bug us. Maybe this article about the Mommy blogger in TIME magazine might make you think a little differently about that issue at least. http://time.com/3592698/im-a-mommy-blogger-and-proud-of-it/
As far as calling oneself a SAHM, I’d love to hear your ideas for a better term.
P.S., I like your cheekbones.
I don’t have any. I’m plum at a loss as to what it could, should or must above everything else, be called. Toss a tomato at my head, but good old fashiony things appeal to me. “Home-maker”…check, “Parentist”…check, but somehow that is MORE offensive than the SAHM -Mommy-blogger (eww!) thing today.
Homemaker Domestic Technician with sprogs on the side? Maybe?
Domestician w/ kids?
Household Generalist with Dependents?
It’s got me thinking…maybe it’s that many terms today have been hi-jacked to become idioms in the linguistic world. Why the very S.A.H.M., itself, is just as ‘cute’ as a button because the other was just so tiresome and still…that’s becoming overused too. Then there’s this: It’s as if being a Mother (or Dad too) – staying home with their children is rendered as LESS valuable than a woman working outside the house or has a career that takes her away from her home. She is deemed ‘more’ hardworking than the person who chooses at least for awhile to stay with her (or his) kids. Sooo, with the advent of global communications, a newly minted pretense began to happen. First it was the ‘socker-mom’ (complete with mini-van,,,er, SUV and now it’s the blogosphere. El blogos de madre.
In the words of a 6 year old, “I love you Mom, you do good things” – is everything as far as I’m concerned. It’s the only thing and nobody else’s opinion; not the worlds, not the judgy relative or the nosy neighbor should ever make a Mother feel second rate for being in a position to stay at home or for choosing it over having an outside job instead. There is no shame in a) having a spouse who makes good money and being able to stay home with the sprogs b) living on a stiff budget but being at home is more important to you so you make do c) working from home while working as MOM which means you actually have TWO jobs.
Just change the term…make it something else or else you’ll have random people like me needing to find a place to get all ranty like.
Thanks for the link – you’ve been more than gracious and helpful.
And I still like your cheekbones.
Housewife means you take care of your spouse – his/her laundry, dishes, cooking, etc. Stay at home parent is a daycare worker/owner, so yes you clean your work environment. Men, and a lot of women also (mom’s, MILs, etc) confuse stay at home parent with housewife and command cleansing and cooking for said spouse, while never expecting them to parent their own child ever. I get a lot of flack from my husband for not being “wifey” or like a “Japanese woman”. I’m heading straight for divorce. Just have to get some financial independence as my savings (from jobs I worked before our marriage, during our early marriage, and before our second daughter was born) depleted because he quit his job for almost a year for a career change (he’ll “pay me back”). I also don’t have reliable family and I haven’t maintained friends because we’ve moved around so much for his career. It feels like forever until I can get my own income. I just can’t let myself fall into his kind trettment once I do, because he resents me for refusing daycare (something he agreed to before we had kids). He also agreed if I had one biological kids he would adopt one with me since I wanted to adopt, but soon as I was in the second trimester, he let me know he would treat the adopted kid like crap… My body has forever changed from having kids and the pain, discomfort plus the way he treats me killed our sex life. He complains about that, and that makes him wnat to divorce me so he can tinder screw a new girl every night. I can never undo the damage done to my body and never have the same sex life I used to but he just gets to ditch me and get right back to it when he wanted to get kids via biologically and I wanted to adopt. Lesson learned.