Last night I had a dream about waiting tables.
I waited tables off and on for about 5 years of my life. Mostly at the Olive Garden. Back when it was still a yummy restaurant to eat at. But, why do I keep having dreams about waiting tables? It’s been almost 11 years since I quit. This one was weird. Chandler was there. Hanging out with the cooks in the kitchen while I raced around waiting tables. Thank goodness it was not a real dream because I don’t even want to know the kind of damage a 15 month old can cause in a restaurant kitchen. Some days I think I might like to wait tables again. I was pretty good at it. And it was cash in my pocket. Something I could use again these days.
So there’s a little peek into my mind.
Here’s another one. I am a germaphobe. Now, people throw this term around loosely these days. So, usually, when I tell people that I am, they just kind of chuckle, and don’t get that I’m being serious.
It all began in 2006 when we lived in Philly. I was pregnant with our first. I saw 3 people vomit in public in front of me within a 3 month time period. That’s where my germaphobia started. I don’t remember being “scared” of getting sick as a kid, ever. Although I had other anxieties at the time. And, even as a young adult, it never really bothered me. Now, I believe that I have a true problem. And, it can be paralyzing.
Let me give you an example. This week, I called my Mom and she mentioned that she had a stomach bug. No big deal. She lives on the opposite side of the country. Then, that afternoon, we got a package from her. I didn’t want to open it. I was scared it had germs in it. Literally. So, I called her. And, I didn’t want to ask, because most people find my worrying annoying and ridiculous. But, I did. “How long ago did you send this package?” She said it was over a week. My Dad laughed and poked fun (because he knows I’m serious, but still says he reserves the right to make fun of me) So, I let my kids open it and rummage through it like wild heathens.
Even while you’re reading this, you probably think I’m writing this as a humorous look through my slight phobia. But, it really has come to affect my everyday life. That’s how you know it’s a true problem.
Now, I have 3 kids and they get sick. It’s inevitable. But, it has come to affect me so much that I frequently have trouble sleeping because of it. I imagine I heard a cough (“Could they be throwing up!?) Sometimes I even go in to check. I dread the night time in general now. I just know there is going to be a fever, someone throwing up, or some other ailment that is going to pop up every night. I’m convinced. Usually there isn’t, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about it. Every. Single. Night.
I scrutinize every morsel of food they eat. If they don’t eat enough, I just know they are getting sick. And, the worst part is that my kids tell me their tummy hurts every. single. day. It kills me.
I hear a kid threw up in class and I start firing questions like a mad woman. “Where you sitting close when it happened? How much did you play with them today? Did you wash hands before you ate anything? Were they back at school today?” and I count down the days until I’m sure we are in the clear and they didn’t catch it. I don’t like knowing when someone has been throwing up or sick, yet I have to know.
When I was in Philly, my sister got really sick. I started taking airborne like a crazy person. I felt like I was getting sick everyday for a week, until I realized that the airborne may have in fact been making me sick. I was taking the recommended dose, but you can definitely take too much of that stuff. When I finally stopped taking it, I started to feel better.
Recently, it has affected me when going out to eat, too. If I sense any abnormality in my food, I lose my appetite. I still like going out to eat, but can quickly decide my food is not edible based on anything really.
When a child does get sick, I turn into a different person. I literally can’t sleep. I eat very little. My heart starts racing. I start crying at some point if there is vomit involved. The last time my kids got a stomach bug, I lost 10 lbs. While I could definitely stand to lose the weight, it is still not the right way to lose it. This is not good for a mom that has 3 small children. I need help.
This past week, we went to the Children’s museum. It was awful. Sure, my kids were having fun, but I wasn’t. The place was packed, and now that Chandler is walking/crawling everywhere, I was just uncomfortable the whole time. All I imagined was the germs on every surface. I noticed the little boy in the elevator that was coughing. In my mind, every kid was a walking germ. I couldn’t relax and I wanted to leave. I frequently don’t go to places like this because it makes my skin crawl and I am convinced we are all going to get sick. We didn’t.
I know that I need therapy. Or drugs. Or both. But, I keep telling myself I can work through it. Because when the illness of the hour is over, I’m fine. And, I look back at myself overreacting and I think, “what was the big deal!?” Yet, when I’m in it, I can’t handle the stress very well. And, I like to think I can handle it a little better each time. But, I usually don’t.
I did manage to take a few cute pictures of my little Chandler. He was all over the place, and I loved watching him try to walk. He especially loved pushing the little lawn mower and shopping carts. Too bad he licked some fake food. *shivering at the thought
I was originally going to post about how I hate watching other moms who look all perfect and are looking ME up and down at places like this and how I feel dumpy and inferior, but I’m going to focus on being positive. Just this once. Have you checked out this Mom’s blog? I love it. It’s all about not judging each other, and focusing on the good of other moms. Who’s tired ot he mommy wars?? I am. Check it out.
What are your fears as a Mom? Tell me I’m not the only crazy one out there….but it’s OK if I am.
I’m glad I didn’t include G$’s Sunday vomit episode in my recent tribute to him in case you read it! Lol. This year has been a terrible year for sickness though. Oh, and I HATE Olive Garden! Like my hate for it is as irrational as your germ aversion might be!!
hahah! Yeah, it’s gone way down hill since the late 90’s when I first started working there. I still go though. Hoping it will be good. And, yes, I try to avoid posts that talk about vomit. And movies. And TV shows, etc.
I posted something about being one traumatic event away from being CDO on my blog back when I had 2 followers. You can read my quirks if you’d like so we’re square. Though being a woman, you’ll always be a little crazy.
Ha! Ok. Will check it out!
Well, you knew little ol’ me -know it all that I am- would have to weigh in on this one. Your fears sound quite deep seated and very well could be a good candidate for Exposure Therapy. It’s harder to treat than some phobias, as the fear is rooted in a reality that germs can cause illness and they actually CAN and DO, but in traditional therapies [exposure] therapists will also combats the idea that being sick is something “fear worthy”.
Because at the core, it’s not a fear of a germ, it’s the effect. And an unavoidable one, at that.
If it’s causing you weight and sleep loss that is a very good indication that the issue is bigger than you and seeking treatment could be really helpful.
But never listen to me…I’m a basket case who has never been to traditional therapy (though I advocate it like a used car salesman)!
Ha! I know what you mean. I’ve never been to therapy either, and want to go. But, it’s a little expensive. And, exposure therapy? I’m afraid of THAT!!!! :/
Insurance covers more psychological issues than you think, truly, I worked in an office where OCD and Phobics were treated under insurance all of the time and I handled most of that paperwork personally.
And yes, it’s scarier than anything. Literally, anything, but the rewards are so immense! Think of having a cold in your house without the mental anguish…
I’ve actually seen the therapy involved for what you suffer from. Therapist only move as fast as is safe and healthy for you and the worst parts are going to be touching things you think are “dirty” (and if I’m not mistaken, being in the room with a sick person is one of the final tasks…) and it sounds terrifying but I have seen people go through that were positively debilitated by fear in the face of germs and illness (one gentleman almost DIED because he refused to go into a hospital because “sick people went there”) and came through 6 months later able to shake hands with a stranger. It works. 🙂
Ugh. Sounds awful. My insurance covers 20% only after a 3000 dollar deductible. Lame.
Fair enough…who wants to pay 3000 dollars to hang out with sick people? 😉
When I took Zoloft, my anxiety went almost completely away. I was aware of it, but it no longer worried me. Like I could look at a situation and think to myself, “This would normally stress me out.” But it wouldn’t! Eventually after a long time, as you know, I decided to go off Zoloft, and once I did, my anxiety returned (although fortunately it is not as intense as it used to be) and I have had to deal with it differently.
I have a similar anxiety about cars, specifically my kids riding in other people’s cars. Even my husband’s car!
I just get super anxious about them riding in the car with anyone else driving other than me. My heart beats faster and I can’t stop thinking about it. Because I have chosen to have a bazillion kids (well, 3, but doesn’t it feel like a bazillion??), and because of other commitments, it’s not practical for me to keep my kids from riding in other people’s cars–field trips, carpools, Matt dropping Ida off at school on his way to work if I have to work–so when I’m faced with a scenario like this, I have a self-calming ritual which usually works.
First I think about all the possible consequences of my decision to let my kid ride in someone else’s car. That doesn’t sound so calming but it does help me to realize that although all the consequences are possible, they’re not LIKELY. Next, I think of some kind of veiled way to tell the driver that I’m worried about my kid being in their car, and I tell them. Sometimes I mention my anxiety, other times I say something…um, casual?…like “Lars really is super wiggly so you have to make sure the clip is high across his chest and the straps are as tight as possible.” (Sounds less crazy than: “If you get in a wreck and Lars isn’t strapped in properly, I will never forgive you or myself.”) If at all possible, I install the carseat myself in the person’s car. And finally, I tell my husband out loud, either in person or over the phone, that I’m anxious about the car situation. (Even if he’s the one driving.) Combined, all those things make a ritual that makes it possible for me to let my kids ride in other people’s cars. So far, they’ve been safe. And I haven’t yet asked a driver the question, “You don’t text and drive, right?” But honestly I’m not too far off from doing that!
Also, if it’s not absolutely necessary for the day’s schedule, or I don’t particularly know the person’s driving habits, I definitely do NOT let my kids ride with other people! 🙂 Usually it’s not too awkward.
Anyway all of that to say…I think I understand. I am devastatingly anxious about this topic, although I know it’s not big of a deal to many people. Everyone has their “things” and some people are more anxious than others. I fall in the “more anxious than others” camp on this particular topic. It’s absolutely debilitating. I hope you find what works for you to combat it. Which of course can change…something works for awhile and then you have to try something else. As I’m sure you know. Long comment, sorry!!
Your coping skills sound very similar to mine. I try to ask non-chalant questions too like, “oh no! So how long were you sick? When was this?” Etc. and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one I know personally dealing with issues like this.
I fear the big 50 pound mirror will come crashing on my kids’ heads while they play.
I fear my kid will fall on the playground and break his neck.
I fear that, whenever I hear a siren, it’s one of my kids.
I fear that when my older son gets a bloody nose, that he has leukemia.
I fear that I yell too much and am messing them up for life.
I fear that I’m too easy on them and they’ll grow up to be spoiled brats.
…..shall I go on, or do you get my drift that you are not alone??? Cause seriously…..I could go on…and on….and on…..:) LOVED this post!!!!
The problem is I fear all those things too!!!!
I am exactly the same way when it comes to vomit. EXACTLY. Glad I’m not the only one. 🙂
I’m sorry. It sucks huh?
Maybe you could talk to your doctor? (Do you have a ‘you’ doctor that you see regularly?) He or she might be able to recommend some coping strategies or know of some programs—maybe local clinical studies on anxiety–that you could participate in that would offer some help without being as expensive as therapy.
I do agree that some sort of cognitive behavioral therapy would be ideal, but if it’s too expensive, it just is.
And if your doctor doesn’t take your concerns seriously (as in, ‘oh, all moms go through that’ or something similar), I would find a different doctor. I’m not trying to be super alarmist. I am a garden-variety ‘germaphobe,’ but I think it’s good that you recognize that you have a level of anxiety that is detrimental to your health and ability to function.
Hi! Stopping by from Mom Bloggers Club. Great blog!
Have a nice day!
Thanks for the great shout out and link to my blog! My biggest fear as a mom is making a mistake that seriously impacts how my children feel long term. I always worry that my son’s anxiety is perhaps the result of something that I have done or said.
I’m doing some research into working on my emetophobia and how people who have children and the phobia cope.
It’s because my boyfriend wants little ones, at least down the line… I don’t. I mean, I do, in theory… but I’d have a breakdown for every. Single. Incident. And that doesn’t seem fair on my future kids, to bring them into the world knowing I’d react badly in spite of myself and probably give them issues about it, too? I already have a lot of anxiety about sickness. It’s pretty hard to even write about this stuff, or read it. Gotta admit, though, I do the ‘is he/she being sick?’ line of thought when I hear coughing, even belching. And the first time I noticed that (never noticed before, per say, since this has been going on since I was very small), I realised I should get help. Glad I found your post!
Well I’m sorry that you have to deal with this too. I will say as hard as it is, it gets a tiny bit easier every time. A TINY bit. My husband deals with a lot of it when he can but obviously he is at work most of the time. A lot of my anxiety has grown as I’ve had children though too. But I’m not sure it’s because of the children but most likely is because of life events before I had kids…I don’t know!
I quite like looking through an article that can make people think.
Also, thank you for allowing me to comment!