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Motherhood

My Kids Are Killing The People Pleaser in Me.

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During our bedtime routine last night, all three kids were crying at the same time. All had their own unique “issues” going on that they were unhappy about. It was lovely. When you have three kids, crying is a given.

I can almost forgive the youngest because he’s almost two, but then there’s the fact that he’s almost two. So, that means crying happens a lot. And, while I firmly believe he has started using the word, “Mommy” as an expletive this week, he is mostly sweet and precious. That is until you dare to dress or undress him. Then, it’s like we are in the WWF, and we’re both determined to pin each other down. Even if it kills us. I’m convinced though, that it is the little moments, like wrestling with the baby to get him dressed, that are changing me into a better person. 

You see, I was thinking today about my people pleasing self. She’s a sweet person. She likes it when people like her, and she wants to help others. She often has a hard time saying no, and she frequently over-analyzes things. To the nth degree. She’s worried, ya know, about hurting someone’s feelings, or that someone is displeased with her actions. And, she doesn’t want to disagree with you. Don’t get me wrong, my people pleasing self is really, really, great. You’d like her for sure. Because she’d always tell you that you were great, even if you really aren’t. She also bakes lopsided cakes for people and sings to them.

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But, the thing is, she also has some faults. She gets hurt a lot. And, she is sensitive too. Not a good combination. She hates to see others cry, and she definitely doesn’t want to hold you back from what you really want in life. So, she sometimes sacrifices what she wants for the sake of others. And, sometimes, she has a hard time being honest, because people often don’t want to hear the truth.

But, one day my, people pleasing self became a mom. At first, it was hard for her to just be herself. In fact, she worried constantly about disappointing me, and everyone else in the world. And, she especially worried about ruining her baby for life. But, then she had another baby, and another, and my people pleasing self started to die a slow death. And, I’m happy about it. I owe it all to my kids.

I may sound cruel, but you see, my people pleasing self needs to chill the heck out. She’s got three kids now. She has to say no constantly, even when it results in unpleasant results like small bodies throwing themselves to the floor in fits of anger. She has to be honest too. She can’t possibly let her children make the same mistakes she has been making. She has to let them wear mis-matched socks sometimes, and she has to hurt their feelings on occasion by telling them they can’t eat candy for breakfast. But, the good part is, she also has to teach them to be themselves and not care what others think. So, while she’s teaching that to her kids, she’s trying to take her own advice too.

Don’t worry, parts of her will still be there forever. She will still be kind, sweet, and willing to help you when she can, but she has three kids now, so she realizes more and more each day that it’s impossible to do it all.  She’ll have to say no to the adults in her life too, not just the little people. And, she wants to tell her kids to chase their dreams and believe in themselves, so the part of her that was scared to do that herself? Yeah, that part is withering away slowly, too.  I say it’s good though. It felt like a lot of baggage for her (and me) to carry. And, my people pleasing self would have killed me if I didn’t get to her first. And, I have my kids to thank for that.


18 Comments

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Comments

  1. Rhonda @wine-y wife says

    October 29, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    I love it. Like you, I also had a people pleasing self. She's buried in the backyard, but I have fond memories of her too. :)
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 29, 2013 at 8:20 pm

      LOL! Thanks for making me laugh. :)
      Reply
  2. Making Memories in the Chaos says

    October 30, 2013 at 8:49 am

    I really appreciate this!!! I could identify with sooooooo much x
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 30, 2013 at 12:18 pm

      Thank you! So nice of you to say! :)
      Reply
  3. Natalie DeYoung says

    October 30, 2013 at 11:48 am

    Haha. *Like* :)
    Reply
  4. Blair says

    October 30, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    I am pretty sure you can read my mind. I was thinking about what I was going to blog about today (in the midst of the almost two year old melting down about being told he cannot play with my hot flat iron) and this was it. How I'm changing from the people pleasing. You are awesome. Really.
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 30, 2013 at 12:20 pm

      Thanks! Blog about it anyway. I'm tired of it too. It's so exhausting. I'd love to read your version.
      Reply
  5. Kate says

    October 31, 2013 at 2:44 am

    This post hit home with me even though I am not a mum because I am a people pleaser and I work with kids. I definitely agree with you on all points and I feel like being around kids (I am a nanny... so I'm kind of the next best thing.) DOES change who you are with personality traits like this.
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 31, 2013 at 9:45 am

      Yes! It really does. Thanks for your comment!!
      Reply
  6. Kerry says

    October 31, 2013 at 5:43 am

    I can relate and have worked hard at pushing that pleaser back because I also don't want my kids to grow up trying to please others all of the time, because it just isn't possible. Yesterday was a good test for me and it brought me further out of the pleasing realm and more into the honesty realm. I had to discuss an issue with the mom of my daughter's best friend. My husband and I weren't comfortable with our daughter playing at their house for a couple of reasons that had to be addressed because risking my child getting hurt vs pleasing someone was an easy decision. I learned that people won't get hurt if you are honest, polite and straightforward. No pointing fingers just expressing what I need. It felt liberating and she was not offended at all.
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 31, 2013 at 9:45 am

      Wow. good for you! I had a very similar experience, but unfortunately, the Mom was offended (although she never came out and said that, I could just tell). But, after MUCH discussion with my husband, we decided it was best to confront the problem for the well-being of our own kids. That has to come first, always! So, good for you. Sometimes this parenting thing can get quite uncomfortable huh?
      Reply
  7. whatthemom says

    October 31, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Oh yes, how many times have I already said NO today?
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 31, 2013 at 9:43 am

      I know!!
      Reply
  8. outlawmama says

    October 31, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    Girl, same here. All of it. Except I have two kids. Otherwise, it's me.
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 31, 2013 at 9:04 pm

      For sure.
      Reply
  9. Valerie says

    November 1, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    My just-turned-two year old cries often too. It is definitely trying my patience!
    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Perfect Enough. - Perfection Pending says:
    July 13, 2016 at 2:03 pm
    […] for the most part, being a mother has killed the people pleaser in me, and I’ve readjusted my lens to something a little more realistic. But, that doesn’t […]
    Reply
  2. How To Let Go Of Trying To Be The Perfect Mother - Perfection Pending says:
    November 3, 2016 at 4:21 pm
    […] for the most part, being a mother has killed the people pleaser in me, and I’ve readjusted my lens to something a little more realistic. But, that doesn’t […]
    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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I feel this pain.⁣ ⁣ @bogartcreek I feel this pain.⁣
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