Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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Motherhood

My Kids Are Killing The People Pleaser in Me.

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During our bedtime routine last night, all three kids were crying at the same time. All had their own unique “issues” going on that they were unhappy about. It was lovely. When you have three kids, crying is a given.

I can almost forgive the youngest because he’s almost two, but then there’s the fact that he’s almost two. So, that means crying happens a lot. And, while I firmly believe he has started using the word, “Mommy” as an expletive this week, he is mostly sweet and precious. That is until you dare to dress or undress him. Then, it’s like we are in the WWF, and we’re both determined to pin each other down. Even if it kills us. I’m convinced though, that it is the little moments, like wrestling with the baby to get him dressed, that are changing me into a better person. 

You see, I was thinking today about my people pleasing self. She’s a sweet person. She likes it when people like her, and she wants to help others. She often has a hard time saying no, and she frequently over-analyzes things. To the nth degree. She’s worried, ya know, about hurting someone’s feelings, or that someone is displeased with her actions. And, she doesn’t want to disagree with you. Don’t get me wrong, my people pleasing self is really, really, great. You’d like her for sure. Because she’d always tell you that you were great, even if you really aren’t. She also bakes lopsided cakes for people and sings to them.

©perfectionpending

But, the thing is, she also has some faults. She gets hurt a lot. And, she is sensitive too. Not a good combination. She hates to see others cry, and she definitely doesn’t want to hold you back from what you really want in life. So, she sometimes sacrifices what she wants for the sake of others. And, sometimes, she has a hard time being honest, because people often don’t want to hear the truth.

But, one day my, people pleasing self became a mom. At first, it was hard for her to just be herself. In fact, she worried constantly about disappointing me, and everyone else in the world. And, she especially worried about ruining her baby for life. But, then she had another baby, and another, and my people pleasing self started to die a slow death. And, I’m happy about it. I owe it all to my kids.

I may sound cruel, but you see, my people pleasing self needs to chill the heck out. She’s got three kids now. She has to say no constantly, even when it results in unpleasant results like small bodies throwing themselves to the floor in fits of anger. She has to be honest too. She can’t possibly let her children make the same mistakes she has been making. She has to let them wear mis-matched socks sometimes, and she has to hurt their feelings on occasion by telling them they can’t eat candy for breakfast. But, the good part is, she also has to teach them to be themselves and not care what others think. So, while she’s teaching that to her kids, she’s trying to take her own advice too.

Don’t worry, parts of her will still be there forever. She will still be kind, sweet, and willing to help you when she can, but she has three kids now, so she realizes more and more each day that it’s impossible to do it all.  She’ll have to say no to the adults in her life too, not just the little people. And, she wants to tell her kids to chase their dreams and believe in themselves, so the part of her that was scared to do that herself? Yeah, that part is withering away slowly, too.  I say it’s good though. It felt like a lot of baggage for her (and me) to carry. And, my people pleasing self would have killed me if I didn’t get to her first. And, I have my kids to thank for that.


18 Comments

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Comments

  1. Rhonda @wine-y wife says

    October 29, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    I love it. Like you, I also had a people pleasing self. She’s buried in the backyard, but I have fond memories of her too. 🙂

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 29, 2013 at 8:20 pm

      LOL! Thanks for making me laugh. 🙂

      Reply
  2. Making Memories in the Chaos says

    October 30, 2013 at 8:49 am

    I really appreciate this!!! I could identify with sooooooo much x

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 30, 2013 at 12:18 pm

      Thank you! So nice of you to say! 🙂

      Reply
  3. Natalie DeYoung says

    October 30, 2013 at 11:48 am

    Haha. *Like* 🙂

    Reply
  4. Blair says

    October 30, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    I am pretty sure you can read my mind. I was thinking about what I was going to blog about today (in the midst of the almost two year old melting down about being told he cannot play with my hot flat iron) and this was it. How I’m changing from the people pleasing. You are awesome. Really.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 30, 2013 at 12:20 pm

      Thanks! Blog about it anyway. I’m tired of it too. It’s so exhausting. I’d love to read your version.

      Reply
  5. Kate says

    October 31, 2013 at 2:44 am

    This post hit home with me even though I am not a mum because I am a people pleaser and I work with kids. I definitely agree with you on all points and I feel like being around kids (I am a nanny… so I’m kind of the next best thing.) DOES change who you are with personality traits like this.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 31, 2013 at 9:45 am

      Yes! It really does. Thanks for your comment!!

      Reply
  6. Kerry says

    October 31, 2013 at 5:43 am

    I can relate and have worked hard at pushing that pleaser back because I also don’t want my kids to grow up trying to please others all of the time, because it just isn’t possible. Yesterday was a good test for me and it brought me further out of the pleasing realm and more into the honesty realm. I had to discuss an issue with the mom of my daughter’s best friend. My husband and I weren’t comfortable with our daughter playing at their house for a couple of reasons that had to be addressed because risking my child getting hurt vs pleasing someone was an easy decision. I learned that people won’t get hurt if you are honest, polite and straightforward. No pointing fingers just expressing what I need. It felt liberating and she was not offended at all.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 31, 2013 at 9:45 am

      Wow. good for you! I had a very similar experience, but unfortunately, the Mom was offended (although she never came out and said that, I could just tell). But, after MUCH discussion with my husband, we decided it was best to confront the problem for the well-being of our own kids. That has to come first, always! So, good for you. Sometimes this parenting thing can get quite uncomfortable huh?

      Reply
  7. whatthemom says

    October 31, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Oh yes, how many times have I already said NO today?

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 31, 2013 at 9:43 am

      I know!!

      Reply
  8. outlawmama says

    October 31, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    Girl, same here. All of it. Except I have two kids. Otherwise, it’s me.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      October 31, 2013 at 9:04 pm

      For sure.

      Reply
  9. Valerie says

    November 1, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    My just-turned-two year old cries often too. It is definitely trying my patience!

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Perfect Enough. - Perfection Pending says:
    July 13, 2016 at 2:03 pm

    […] for the most part, being a mother has killed the people pleaser in me, and I’ve readjusted my lens to something a little more realistic. But, that doesn’t […]

    Reply
  2. How To Let Go Of Trying To Be The Perfect Mother - Perfection Pending says:
    November 3, 2016 at 4:21 pm

    […] for the most part, being a mother has killed the people pleaser in me, and I’ve readjusted my lens to something a little more realistic. But, that doesn’t […]

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Meredith Ethington
Working on figuring out my mission as we speak. ❤️
Is anyone else like this? #dietcokeaddict #pebblei Is anyone else like this? #dietcokeaddict #pebbleice #adhd #momlifebelike
Hello friends, it’s me. Meredith. Here are a f Hello friends, it’s me. Meredith. 

Here are a few things I’d tell you if I could call you all up: 

❤️ It’s ok to say no to things.

❤️ Your kiddos don’t need perfection - they need real. Emotional, Messy, flawed, etc. It helps them know their emotions are valid. 

❤️ Having anxiety or depression does not mean you’re an inadequate parent. 

❤️ Never be ashamed of asking for help or going on medication if necessary. 

❤️Kids can be draining. Take time for yourself. I promise you’ll be able to be a better, more present parent if you do this. 

❤️ Boundaries are your friend. People that make you feel like you’re not enough are not. 

Hang in there. It doesn’t get easier - like at all. But you get stronger.
I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process feelings of never measuring up and feeling lIke someone else would do it better than me. 
I don’t feel like this very often anymore. But I know that there are plenty of mothers out there that do. You aren’t alone. 
The experience of Motherhood is definitely something that humbles even the most confident mothers. 
I wasn’t one to have much confidence once I began but I got there eventually. 
If you’re in this headspace of wondering if you’re enough I’m here to tell you:
1. You are. 
2. This is NORMAL. 
3. This post is for you. 
Read it on my substack now and consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. ❤️ It supports me as I hopefully support you.
I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored
I see nothing wrong here. I see nothing wrong here.
Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ik Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ikeahack #jokesfordays
This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At s This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At some point it got passed down to one of her grandchildren. Then it made its way to my house and all three of my kids have used it too. 
My middle decided he was done with it and I had no idea what to do with it. It’s almost an antique at this point and I knew my mom felt sentimental about it. It’s heavy and tiny but it has good bones as they say. 
My mom lives too far away to come get it and the grandkids are all getting too big to want this desk in their rooms. 
I walked around my little house looking for a spot for it. There really isn’t one. 
Could it be an end table? Or swapped out for an entry table? 
But then I walked into my bedroom and saw this bare wall. It’s not ideal. My husband will hate it. But I’ve been thinking that I needed a study spot in my house (in a room with a door that shuts and locks) since I’m in school again at 46 years old. 
I’m hilariously too big for this little desk but also it seems just fine for sitting and writing papers. 
The older I get, the more I realize that this life is short and I’m sure it will make my mom happy to know I’m not only hanging onto this desk a little while longer but it’s going to be used for actual school work again instead of hoarding useless scraps of paper, half filled notebooks and dull crayons no one has touched in years. 
I’m breathing life back into this desk for a few more years and it seems symbolic of my taking something old (me) and using it for something new (becoming a therapist). 
I’m not super sentimental about furniture but I’m sentimental about the people that I love. 
She loves this desk so I guess I’ll love it a little longer on her behalf. ❤️
🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: 🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: "I feel depressed that it’s back, when I had been handling things so well.
I feel hopeless that although I know it will end, that it will come back again.
I feel embarrassed that I’m sometimes mean to the ones I love most.
I feel like I want to give up.
I feel tired.
I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest thing.
I feel alone. I feel like I’m literally the only one feeling that way in that moment even though I know I’m not deep down. But, anxiety makes me feel like that.
I feel like I just would be better off if I could disappear."
First day back after a week long vacay to the fun First day back after a week long vacay to the fun of carpool and the reality of being a responsible adult is kicking my boot-ay. Can you tell? 😅
Yup. 😂 @themumcrew Yup. 😂 @themumcrew
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Mental health matters. ❤️ Mental health matters. ❤️
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Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑 Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑
Just like building muscles in our body, to have go Just like building muscles in our body, to have good mental health we need to build muscles in our brains as well. What does that look like? 

For me, it often looks like practicing things that make me uncomfortable. 
Saying no. Setting boundaries. Sitting in discomfort with feelings I don't like. Being OK if someone is mad at me. Learning to validate MYSELF. You get the idea. 
But, really it can be anything that you need to work on but makes you feel REALLY uncomfortable. So much so that it feels like your brain is literally rejecting it. If you want to build that muscle in your brain that is OK with disappointing people in favor of your own mental health, you have to treat it like muscle building in your body. 

1. Do it often enough. 
2. Start small, and work your way up. 
3. Go heavy when you're ready. 

Practicing it often enough is really when you're going to get big results. Soon you'll get used to those negative feelings that come along with telling someone no and knowing they're disappointed. You'll build up endurance to tolerate the feelings and be able to sit with them and let them go. And finally, it will become second nature to you to do all those things you didn't think you could do. Just like strength training for a marathon - consider strength training for your mind. 

One thing I'm working on is telling myself I'm OK. I struggle with seeking validation from others when really I need to be seeking validation from myself. Because MYSELF is good, worthy, and OK 99% of the time. 

What are you practicing right now? I'd love to hear if this is true for you.
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