Sometimes I fear I wasn’t meant to be a mother.
Just typing those words leaves me feeling empty and scared. I know I will be judged for them by the childless, the sanctimommies, and the empty nesters that say with a hand over their heart, “But it goes so fast!”
As I sit on my couch trying to think my own thoughts, three tired children who went to bed way too late last night creep next to me to peer over my shoulder at whatever it is I’m trying to work on, and muster the tiresome words I’m sick of hearing, “I’m bored.”
I groan inside feeling guilt that I should be the one entertaining them while simultaneously feeling resentment that I can’t even focus without interruption long enough to write a sentence. I don’t want to play with the four-year-old who begs me to play with him relentlessly, and I wonder if my personality was really meant for motherhood.
As a young girl, I always pictured myself as a mother. Doing better than my own mother did, of course. Ridiculously, I even pictured myself as a mother of eight children at one point in young adulthood. I felt confident that I would be patient, and never let them eat sugar, and love cooking and taking care of a house. It’s all I wanted, really.
But, as I feel suffocated by the push and pull of motherhood, I wonder if I was meant to do this. If maybe motherhood isn’t in my DNA because I don’t love playing Candyland with my four year old, and my ten-year-old doesn’t talk to me when I want her to, and the weight of my seven-year-old’s anxiety issues is always in the back of my mind.
I went on a trip for the first time in 8 years with my husband without our kids. It was dreamy. A trip to NYC, a hotel with fancy white robes, and an ease of travel that doesn’t come with three kids in tow. We ate good food, and slept in as late as we wanted, and meandered down the streets of the upper west side carrying fresh flowers and walking hand in hand. I felt more easy going and relaxed. More like myself.
And, days after we were home, as I felt the tension in my neck start to build and a relentless dull headache that I can’t seem to shake day after day, I fear again that maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mother. After all, I was so much better on that trip with my husband when I wasn’t mothering.
I started to look back at that trip like a dream, unable to recognize the woman that let her husband call the shots, and didn’t stress about hiccups in the trip because she knew she was being taken care of, and wasn’t in charge of anything, or anyone. It didn’t seem real how I sat on a park bench in the sun, with my headphones in and my husband snapped a photo of me because I “looked like a New Yorker” in that moment; happy and at ease in a giant city of chaos.
I feel sad when I reject my children’s advances for attention when I have something I’d rather be doing and tell myself that other mothers probably want to play with their kids, so why don’t I? Obviously it’s because I wasn’t meant to be a mother.
The weight of my responsibility is weighing me down making me question if I was ever in fact, meant to do this at all. Someone else would definitely do it better, and someone else that loves to play candy land would be a better mother to my kids.
After all, I felt more like myself when I wasn’t mothering. So, what else could that mean, except that maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mother to these three fantastic human beings?
Except.
Except, I don’t believe I am supposed to be the person I was before becoming a mother. That’s the thing. I think mothering my three fantastic small humans is supposed to transform me into something better. And transformations aren’t supposed to be easy.
The guilt I feel is self-imposed and unnecessary. One of the countless lessons I’ve learned from motherhood is that I need to try to give myself the gift of true, beautiful acceptance of who I am.
Mothering is hard for me. I struggle. I make mistakes. I don’t love playing make-believe with my kids. But, I also do a lot of things right. And, accepting that this mother. Me. My broken, imperfect, high anxiety self is meant to mother the three beautiful souls I’ve been given, is part of the reason why I’m meant for motherhood.
Why were these precious children given to imperfect, broken me? Who the hell knows.
But, I guarantee that I’m learning as much raising them as they are learning being raised by a woman in a constant transformative state of being. In fact, I know I am.
If I were to make a list of the lessons I’ve learned, and the ways I’ve changed, it would be long. And, breathtaking I’m sure. But, I’m too tired to make lists, and I’m too overwhelmed to remember how far I’ve come, so I’ll keep fighting those feelings of inadequacy day by day, hour by hour as they rush in during a moment when I feel selfish and don’t want to play a game.
The weight I add to this whole motherhood thing is probably too great if I am being truly honest. Sure, mothers have an important job, but deep down, I realize that much of who they will become has nothing to do with me. And, when I think about it, they will spend many more years away from my care than in it. It’s heartbreaking to think about. In fact, I can’t think about them leaving me without feeling like a piece of me will die when that happens.
Which just proves me wrong yet again.
If I feel that way, then I am meant to be a mother. So I can become who I’m supposed to be. Transformed into a woman far more beautiful than who I was before.
I think many moms struggle with this feeling, questioning ourselves at one point or another during our motherhood days. Maybe not everyone admits it, but many of us go through it.
Thank you for putting it out there so that the rest of us don’t feel alone.
Oh my gosh. Thanks for reading. It helps me feel less alone too.
FYI – I don’t believe anyone loves playing Candy Land. I also refuse to play Uno or have tea parties. I will happily cater and partake, but the pretend play wears on me. I hope you continue to get the odd moment for this kind of self reflection so you can remember the conclusions you came to.
Thank you! xoxo
My most favorite thing you’ve ever written. Flawless. And I’m with you. (I’ve never loved Candyland. But wait until you try Trouble. Ugh!! God help us all. Ha!)
Thanks Jen. It might be my most favorite thing I’ve ever written too.
OH Meredith, this was absolutely BEAUTIFUL. Sharing… <3
Thank you!!
I have the same feelings of doubt. I had 40 years of practice at being just independent me. I’ve only had 6 years of practice of me with dependents. I often miss the old me. Motherhood was an abrupt change, not a gradual transformation.
Thank you for helping me to reframe and see the long game, not a binary “then” and “now”.
You’re welcome!
This was beautiful, sister. I think hear are feelings that MOST mothers have (especially in those early years), but don’t even know how to put into words. ?
these…why can’t I edit?!
I loved this so much! I agree with so many of your points, especially the one about Candyland being the worst game ever.
Beautifully written! I think we all feel this way sometimes.
If ever a woman was meant to be a mother you are certainly one of them. And I’ve yet to meet your kids. Keep up the great work, cousin.
Awww. Thank you!!!
I totally get this. Like, totally.
What a beautiful and honest piece. For me the idea of what I am supposed to be as a mother and the reality of who I am as a mother can sometimes fight each other. Just like there really is no type of woman we are supposed to be, I don’t think there is any type of mother. But it’s hard and painful to go through. Thank you for sharing this! xo
Struck so many chords with me that I turned into a player-piano. Seriously, mom of six here and related to everything! Loved your ending.
Stephanie
Thank you Stephanie! I loved your player piano joke. 🙂
Yes yes 1000 times yes. I JUST said this to my husband yesterday. I didn’t think it was possible to love you anymore. Sending you a big hug – we all will get through this!!!
Thank you for this! It’s just what I needed to read- I often feel the same, either that I wasn’t supposed to be a mother, or that life is going by quickly. I really appreciate reading some honesty like this, and as we all try to figure out this motherhood thing, maybe we can be honest about it too.
That got me! Tears running down my face. Thank you for saying this so honestly. You aren’t the only one who thinks it, that’s for sure. I just recently discovered your blog – I LOVE IT!!!
Thank you Elizabeth! It helps me to know I’m not alone either. xoxo
Thanks for sharing your personal struggle. Your article was so timely because I had this exact thought earlier today.
I love my children. I am a fierce defender and protector of them. And yet their needs and demands for both physical care (like food, bathing, etc) and engagement (playing, conversing on their level, etc) can overwhelm me. Then add in all of the other responsibilities such as dishes and laundry, etc. and all I want to do is just be left alone so I can get something done and feel a sense of accomplishment towards cleaning up a bit of the chaos. It’s at those times when I choose tasks over play or when I need time to myself that I feel like a bad mom and that I wasn’t meant to be one.
I love knowing that I’m not the only one to struggle with those thoughts. Ultimately, I reject the notion that I’m a mom failure when I imagine choosing to live a life without my children. I would never give them up in favor of a life of more order and freedom. I’m a mom who needs breaks, but I’m 100% commited to the Job!
I found this while googling, in the middle of the night, “i feel I wasn’t meant to be a mother” and this is exactly what I needed to read. I, too, have caught glimpses of my former self and it felt like I was coming home…so where am I as a mom? I feel so out of control and just helpless most of the time…even as I try to control and account for everything. Anyway, THANK YOU for sharing this.
I’m so glad you found me. You might enjoy my book if you liked this post. It’s in the book, but speaks more to this topic of motherhood and how difficult it is. 🙂
Thank you for writing this I’m a first time mom here I got pregnant being under birth control I never wanted kids but here I am, it’s 2 in the morning right now I’m crying while my son plays with his toys I’m soooooo tired I hate it all I know is that I have a beautiful son that I need to raise
I don’t know if you are still manning this blog but this article resinates with me. Only one disagreement…..Mouse Trap is the worst! Thank you for articulating what I am feeling.
Wow. I’m saving this so I can read it in my tough moments. Thank you for being so incredibly raw and real. This resonates with me very much and makes me feel like I, with all my imperfections and continuous growth, am fit to be a mom.
I just wrote a new post that will probably bring you a bit of comfort. At least I hope so. xx
This article just saved me today. Thank you so much for your honest words and for putting it out there.
Thoughts on what to do when your mother in law says “joking” that maybe you weren’t meant to be a mother?
Ugh. That’s so hurtful. Ask her if she wants to raise them for you? That’s the only nice response I can come up with at the moment.
Thank you for this. This is just what I needed to read today.