While everyone was celebrating Memorial day, I was stewing with something I didn’t know how to process. My first instinct was to sit down at the computer yesterday and pour my heart out (my usual routine). But, I decided to give it another day and see how I felt. I decided to reflect, and pray, and think about something first before I wrote about it. That’s a miracle in and of itself, people. I’m so glad I did.
You see, I wear my heart on my sleeve most of the time. But, I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older that not all people want to see your heart. And, I’ve also learned that when they do, sometimes it hurts them, even though it happens in unintentional ways. As human beings, coexisting with families, friends, spouses, kids….we all hurt each other. But, what I’ve been thinking a little bit about is forgiveness not of others, but of ourselves.
You see, last week, I read the most beautiful post by the Hands Free Mama. I was inspired. I shared it on FB. I had a new resolve to be the best mom in the world. The most patient one. The one that doesn’t speak in harsh tones. The one that can deal with the frustrations of a toddler that just doesn’t want to eat, and an almost 7 year old that takes forever getting ready and tells you all the time that she “didn’t hear” what you had to say. And, I was going to be especially patient with the 4-year-old that is extra sensitive to, well everything. I was going to do all of that from reading one blog post.
A couple of days later I also made the resolve that I would pray more often, and ask God to help me with this goal of mine. I did. And, the very next day, I failed.
So, on memorial day, while celebrating and spending time with family, I was feeling like a downright failure. I had become extremely impatient with my kids that morning while we were getting ready. Then, I yelled at my husband because he was trying to intercede when he saw me getting frustrated. And, I even slammed a door VERY HARD. Like a child. All of this while my three kids were watching.
I threw myself down on my bed in tears and was so angry at myself. Because I had screwed up again. I had failed again! I’m trying so hard, but I’m failing at the one thing I want more than anything. To not be a yeller.
I apologized to my daughter for being impatient. She forgave me. I told my husband my feelings of failure and he forgave me. Yet, I could not forgive myself.
I should be able to overcome this weakness of mine. It is a good desire in my heart. Why can’t I just do it? There is a complicated answer behind that question.
It didn’t help matters that I was talking to a woman in church on Sunday who I had just met and found out that she had 12 children. She never raised her voice at them according to her grown daughter that I was also talking to. NEVER? I wondered. She just said that it just didn’t help anything to yell, so she just didn’t do it. Huh. Well, that’s easy enough…right?
I have known before that overcoming this weakness of mine might take years to achieve. But, the problem is that I want it right now. I don’t feel like years are a luxury I have. I don’t want my kids to remember me as the yeller. I want them to remember me as the one that was always patient. The one that didn’t make them afraid if they screwed up. The one that didn’t have irritation and impatience behind her eyes when they take too long.
And then I read this quote by a church leader named Robert D. Hales:
Um. Yeah. That’s me. I want it right now! I think to myself, “but it’s a good desire God, why won’t you just give it to me?” Oh the irony of my prayer for patience when I don’t want to wait a single second to get it. The truth is, I feel like I’m working hard at it, so I deserve it. But, I know that God doesn’t always give us what we desire right away. And, it’s not really about deserving anything.
I don’t have the answer here. There is no easy trick (at least that I have discovered). I have days where all runs smoothly and I am the most patient mom in the world, and then something underneath will send me into a pattern of impatience and irritation. No matter how much will power I think I possess, I cannot seem to overcome it on those days. I read inspiring blogs and quotes, and I get this resolve that I will do better. And, I do. But, the instant I fail (again), I hate myself for it.
But, the thing I’ve realized is that everyone around me is willing to forgive me, except me.
I think that the patience comes when we are patient with ourselves.
So, that is what I’m working on this week. Patience with me. And, then I hope that patience with everyone else I love will follow.
And, now, I will change my prayer a little. I’m not going to pray for patience to come today or even tomorrow. Instead, I will pray that….
my children will see inside my heart as I learn and grow as their mother.
That they will see my apologies as sincere.
That they will see that I am working on it every single day.
That they will recognize that I am patient a LOT of the time.
That they will remember the times when we laugh, and hug, and say I love you (all of which happen on a daily basis around here) instead of the one time their mommy might throw a fit that could rival any two year old tantrum.
That I can be patient with myself.
And, last…..that it’s for them that I want the gift of patience right now.
I think there’s a reason Pres. Uchtdorf started his Oct 2011 talk with “Forget not to be patient with yourself.” Some days, I get so mad at myself for not being perfect that I just end up being unpleasant with everyone around me. Thank heaven for forgiving spouses and children, right? 🙂 That quote from Elder Hales is wonderful. Thanks for sharing your insights!
I agree! I love that talk!! It’s one of my favorites.
Well, this just about brought tears to my eyes. I’m a yeller too. And, like you, I always feel horrible when I’ve lost my patience and hollered and scared my kids or just taken them off guard and then I crucify myself for DAYS and vow to not do it again. I even went so far as to mark off each and every day I didn’t do any yelling. I think I made it just over two weeks once. It’s a constant battle for me too. I’m impatient and irritable and it comes out loudly sometimes. I’m with you Meredith…..I’m praying for help in my own way, just like you and I want it now. If we have anything more in common, I”m demanding a DNA test.
Ha! Glad to know I’m not the only one!
Sorry…don’t believe the mom of 12 never yelled. Impossible. She probably just had a good loving mother so she remembered the good times and not the bad. I think as the kids get older and start to understand and behavior better, we won’t yell as much and they won’t even remember any times we yell. I feel bad too when I yell but I try not to beat myself up over it because it happens and we aren’t perfect and I know I make my kids happy and laugh way more than I yell. I guarantee you are the same way. Just take it day be day and if it happens, so be it. You are still a great mom in every way. 🙂 You may not see it but I do ever time we are together.
You are such a great friend Rayna! Thank you! Xoxo
You are really good at learning lessons. I barely think about things that I am doing wrong. It takes a humble person to learn from their mistakes.
I don’t know about humble but this blog really does help me be reflective at least!
This is so beautiful. You are so wonderful for writing this. So reflective and sincere. I’m going to have to think about this, too. I’ve been wondering about the word “no” and how many times I use it in a day as a directive and a corrective statement. We are doing the best we can to monitor, mentor, guide, and facilitate the growth of these babies. It’s hard to manage all of it sometimes and keep it all together. I love your prayer, if I could add one thing to it, I would ask for the opportunity to be ok with the occasional slip-up. To be given the opportunity to look back and say “Today was not a good day, Lord, but tomorrow, I’ll seek to be better.”
That’s what I do, anyway. I think that He gives us the opportunity to keep trying. He allows us that through His OWN love and patience. He models for us by the most supreme of examples.
Anyway, I’m going to take your lesson with me tonight. I’m so grateful for this post!
Yes! That is a good hung to add to the prayer! Glad you liked the post. And yes He is the perfect example. Thank goodness He is patient too!
A good thing is what I meant!
I love this post. An “aha!” moment!
I had to resolve to be more patient with others (and myself), more realistic in my expectations of others (and myself), and more forgiving of others (and myself). People like me (and maybe you, too?) are always twice as hard on ourselves as everyone else.
Yes definitely! I am super hard on myself but always giving others the benefit of the doubt!
This post reminds me a scene from Everybody Loves Raymond, but dammit, I can’t recall it now. Oh well. You beat yourself up too much. Yelling is part of being a parent. You can’t live in the same house with other humans and not get furious from time to time. I called G$ a douche and nearly drove the van into a tree just to shut him up last night! Stuff happens, but kids have short memories and know that you love them and that they’re lucky to have you (I mean your kids now). That woman with 12 kids probably didn’t yell because it’s hard to yell with liquor in your mouth all the time!
Ah Don. What would I do without your comments on my blog? I would never get to laugh at myself through your eyes. And that lady was mormon Don so I don’t think she was the drinking type…..but you never know I guess! I’m glad to know its normal to get furious from time to time but my time to time seems more often than not!!
With 12 kids she’d make a good Irish Catholic!
I’ve found that having kids has made me more patient than I’ve ever been in my life. I may write a post about that! I’d like to be a fly on the wall and hear you yelling at your family. No cursing? “Gosh darnit, little Kyle, now you’ve gone and made mommy as hot as a gosh darned tea pot steaming out its spout!” Like that? Hilarious!
Hahaha!!! There is no swearing involved but I definitely don’t say gosh darn it! Ever.
Sigh. Can you please stop reading my mail? Seriously. Every time I stop by you post something else totally directed at me. 😉
Sorry!!! 🙂
🙂
I love this! I feel the same way. But you know what? We are only humans, and we really are good moms. My mom yelled at lot when I was a child, but she also had 4 kids to care for on her own, and guess what? Although I would love to not be like that and will always try my best not to, I look at my mom with gratitude, love, and respect. After I become a mom all I can think is: “how the heck did she do it??” 🙂
We are only human and you know what? I don’t know how any of us do it!!! 🙂
I hope you get it before I did (never?). I hope you know I am still working on it. I hope you can now forgive ME!
Are you my clone? I am a yeller too and I pray that God will let my children and husband forgive me and not let them remember me as a yeller. I hate it, but I have the bubbling sensation and all of a sudden it explodes usually with some minute and silly little thing. I feel for you and I will put you on my prayer list. I like what you said about forgiving yourself. That is something very hard to do, especially when we fail right after we make the vow to be better! I have that happen on Sunday mornings before church and I have to stop myself and think what am I doing here. We are on our way to worship and I can’t even get a grip today? It’s ok. Thank you for writing this post. It is really nice that I am not the only one who feels like a crazy person sometimes.
Yes! That’s why I blog because it helps me not feel too crazy!!! 🙂
You’re real. You’re authentic (or you sound so). THAT matters. The woman with 12 kids who never yelled? Clinically depressed:) I’m the last of six daughters and there is NO way on earth a woman functioning on all cylinders can get through a dozen kids without a yell now and then–unless she is just plain depressed!
For a split second I thought I was reading something I wrote! I, too, am a non-self forgiving impatient yeller. It’s my biggest weakness as a mother. My mother was/still is a yeller with my 10-year-old sister and I find myself sounding just like her! I’m very affectionate with my babies (6,4,1), I spent a lot of q.t. with them but when I’m sleep deprived and they do something to upset me, I pop off. I apologize and tell them I handles it wrong and they should be better but ultimately, it’s my actions they’ll follow, not my words. Great post! New follower (once I get to my computer) 🙂
My first comment somehow disappeared… Anyways! Reading this was like reading my own typing! I’m an impatient, non-self forgiving, guilt ridden yeller.. I apologize to my kids and explain how I was wrong, how I should have handled the situation, but ultimately, it’s my actions they’ll follow over my words. I’m worse when I’m sleep deprived. My mother yelled a lot too and I find myself sounding so much like her. My sister and I joke with my mom about it now and mimic how she sounded. I find myself wondering if she felt the same guilt I have currently.
Thanks for following! My mom was a yeller too. She can’t really laugh about it though. I KNOW she feels guilt about a lot of stuff…not sure yelling is one of them though. But, I say to her all the time that I wish she would have kept a journal or something at the same age/stage of life I’m in now so that I could compare….