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By Meredith Ethington

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In the Motherhood Inspiration Motherhood Parenting

The Identity Crisis of Motherhood

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He reached up for my hand in the store and said, “I hold your hand, Mommy?” I grabbed his tiny, almost 3-year-old hand and for a second, my heart exploded. I wanted nothing more in the world than to hold that tiny hand forever and ever.

Lately, I’ve been feeling more often than not those quiet feelings of immense gratitude. I look at my kids and feel a love so enormous it would literally be impossible to express. I see glimpses of the big kids that they will one day be. Some days, I feel glad life seems to poke by slowly, and they will still be two years old tomorrow. I’m finally wishing for life to slow down instead of speed up.

Some days, I think, I’m finally beginning to be the mom I’ve always wanted to be. The one that is present when it’s important. Who follows those little whispers to give undivided attention when it matters. The one that breathes in their smell right after a nap and promises herself, wills herself, to remember it. The one that sees the importance of child-rearing and not only appreciates it, but loves it.

But, I’m imperfect, and well aware that next week, I might be crying in the bathroom because I yelled at my kids for letting the glow stick leak onto the living room chair and ruin it. I hear a quiet whisper in my head of a quote I heard somewhere that one time, “People are more important than things”. I swallow the anger and promise myself that I’ll do better the next day. And, I might forget that a few days before I was the mom that I wanted to always be.

I’m guessing that every mother goes through the identity crisis of motherhood. We have this idealistic view of motherhood before we actually become mothers, and then when reality hits, we question whether or not we truly are who we thought we were. But, I thought I was so patient. But, I thought I was a good multi-tasker. But, I thought I was a good cook. Motherhood swallows some of us whole and spits us out like a newborn puppy stumbling over her feet, and falling flat on her face just trying to walk a few steps.

But, slowly, we get the hang of things, feel more confident, and most important of all, forgive ourselves. Through lots of practice and time, we learn that the guilt will eat us alive, and that acceptance of ourselves (even with all of our faults) is the only way to survive it all. So we dive in and devote hours and days, and years of our lives to tiny human beings. We sacrifice, and put our own needs last, and learn to shower in 3.5 minutes. When we become mothers, we become a different kind of superhero. One that is invisible to the outside world, but is everything to the world right inside our own houses.

Child Reaching for Motherphoto credit: Wilson X via photopin cc (changes were made for the purpose of this post)

The identity crisis won’t ever really go away, though. We’ll read an article criticizing our choice and feel inferior. I read one recently. The article was fine. In fact, I liked it. It spoke about how moms feel invisible, but it was the first commenter that shook my own identity for a minute (luckily I only let her get in my head for a minute). She was telling this mom that wrote the article (that presumably she didn’t know) that if she had something to say, speak up. Say it. Enlighten us all. Quit feeling sorry for yourself because you are entrenched in motherhood and feel invisible to the outside world now that you’re a mom. I’m paraphrasing, of course. But, it was done in such a challenging way, almost daring the mom who wrote the article to have something, anything, of worth to contribute to society.

For a split second, I felt small. I am “just” a mom. What DO I have to contribute? If someone were to start a conversation with me about current affairs, I’d only be able to contribute what I’d recently watched on the Today show. I try. I really do. And the truth is, I may not know what’s going on in the world, because my world is right here in my little house. Not with world dictators, but with tiny ones that insist on wearing pool shoes to church.

It would be so easy to have an identity crisis because people are living more well-traveled lives than me. People are out past 8 pm and drinking wine and talking about the current crisis in Syria, and what they would do to fix it. People are joining the peace corps and doing very important big things that don’t involve fixing the two year old 5 different meals. People are getting degrees and awards, and making TV appearances. And, I could feel very, very small. I could feel invisible. I could easily tell myself I don’t have anything left to contribute except maybe to the laundry, the mopping, and the bum wiping society right here at my house.

But, you know what? I refuse to accept that.

I may not be well-traveled. I may not have a doctorate. I may not even wear “real” pants some days. But, what I do matters. And, not just in little ways, but in big ways. Ways that the well-traveled, single, childless critics of the stay at home mom will never understand.

So, I’m not going to have an identity crisis because I chose to be entrenched in motherhood for the unforeseeable future, and others are out solving the Ebola crisis. Nope, I’m going to pat myself on the back because I taught my 5 year old the importance of honesty today. I’m going to tell myself that honest, kind people (like the ones I’m raising) are more important in society than judgmental ones anyway.

My identity does not depend on someone else’s view of who I am. It only depends on my own view of it. Identity can be defined as: the distinguishing character or personality of an individual (see how I googled that?). So maybe those people that categorize me as “just a mom” will see my distinguishing character as a mom in yoga pants that looks like she hasn’t slept in 8 years and is only smart enough to talk about child-rearing. So what?

I know I’m more than that. Regardless of the society that might look right past me.

And, when these kids are grown up and are moving on with their own lives, I know that even if I were to win the nobel peace prize (which I’m pretty sure I won’t) being Mom to my kids will still be the most important work I ever did. And, I’m OK with that.

 


25 Comments

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Comments

  1. Kim says

    November 10, 2014 at 9:18 am

    You just made my morning, thanks. It IS rough to see how many amazing trips annd adventures famiily and friends are having – but they don’t get to snuggle my boys. I think I got the better end of the deal.

    Reply
  2. Kelly L McKenzie says

    November 10, 2014 at 9:32 am

    It’s been almost 21 years since my first child was born. I was a stay at home mom and went through patches of self doubt, boredom and wishing I was anywhere but volunteering for yet more preschool duty. However, looking back on it I wouldn’t change it for the world. My two have turned out rather well despite having me as a mom. We have a great relationship (both are texting me this very minute from their colleges across the country!) and I can’t wait for Christmas vacation and our reunion. Yes there were moments when I lost it (that splattered murder scene caused by red wine spillage on the white rug comes to mind) but they too make for great memories. “Remember that time Mom got so upset when you …?” The single Janes miss out on those. I can travel with my two but she’ll never know the wonder of a jumbo hug with tears streaming down her face as she apologizes to her child for getting upset. Or a gentle pat on the back from a 3 year old who says “that’s ok Mommy. I know you’ll always love me no matter what.”
    I’m with you Meredith. It is the best job you’ll ever have.

    Reply
  3. cookie says

    November 10, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    Dude. I so needed this today. Imperfect Superheroes indeed.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      November 10, 2014 at 9:49 pm

      Thanks girlie.

      Reply
  4. Carin Kilby Clark says

    November 10, 2014 at 7:06 pm

    Such a beautiful post! And yes, being a mom is the most important work that we do! ^5

    We all go through this at one point or another. I just try to remember how short my time is with my children (in my house) and remember that I’ll have plenty of time for all that other stuff once they’re grown and flown. 😉

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      November 10, 2014 at 9:49 pm

      True!

      Reply
  5. Lisa @ The Golden Spoons says

    November 11, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    LOVE THIS!!! This identity crisis comes in waves for me. I definitely felt it when my girls were little. The, it cam around again one they were all in school. Lately, I’ve been feeling it again – feeling like at mediocre at lots of things (including mothering) and not really good at anything. At the end of the day, though, I am a mother with all my heart and soul and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      November 11, 2014 at 9:43 pm

      Yes! It comes in waves for me too!! Sorry you’re going through that feeling again.

      Reply
  6. Chris Carter says

    November 11, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Oh do I LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS Meredith!! YES!!! Oh the horrible haunting of comparison….

    Jane. Oh there are all kinds of Jane’s out there. There is only ONE of you. Each of us moms are the only moms for our kiddos- and I truly believe we were specifically designed for our call. Whether all over the world- while doing it, or right in our very own homes!!! (me and you both girl!!)

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      November 11, 2014 at 9:43 pm

      I agree!!

      Reply
  7. Julie Anne says

    November 11, 2014 at 9:53 pm

    I loved this post. I always tell myself that I’m never going to regret this time I spend raising my kids. In the end of my life I’m not going to look back and wish I had a distinguished job title or passport full of stamps. I believe I will wish for more time with family and those I love. Thanks for the reminder of what’s really important in life.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      November 11, 2014 at 9:55 pm

      Thanks Julie!!

      Reply
  8. Kristi Campbell says

    November 12, 2014 at 9:54 pm

    This is really an amazing thought and you were spot on in articulating what can be such a difficult feeling for so many mothers. We want to be it all and do it all and then we feel like we suck for being angry over things instead of people (because let’s face it – it IS annoying when our kids ruin our furniture especially when we told them how to NOT to ruin it) but yeah. And overall? I really appreciate the reminder that being a mom really is the best most important thing. There have been days when I am so stressed trying to finish a project for work or whatever, and on some, I’ve finished it but then feel so empty later. Other days? My son reminds me that he’s more important than the work project and while I’m still stressed out about not finishing work, I know I *KNOW* that I will miss 5-year old him like crazy and I’m so so happy with myself that I just stopped and played. And remembered. xoxo to you

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      November 13, 2014 at 5:35 pm

      Thanks so much for this awesome comment Kristi. Yes, the kids are good at reminding us of what is super important. 🙂

      Reply
  9. Tarana says

    November 12, 2014 at 10:16 pm

    As long as you are content with who you are, you are doing great! It’s hard not to have an identity crisis as a mom sometimes, but we really are doing the most important job in the world.

    Reply
  10. Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. says

    November 13, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    I often think motherhood is one great big identity crisis. And then there are those beautiful moments of clarity when suddenly we can see clearly exactly who we are. And remember that YES, what we do matters. Loved this.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      November 13, 2014 at 5:34 pm

      I know, right? How could it not be though, I guess. It’s such a huge shift in who we are/what we do on a daily basis.

      Reply
  11. Mike says

    November 25, 2014 at 5:46 pm

    For me personally, one sentence really nailed it on the head for me and ironically resonated with personally from something that happened today – ‘My identity does not depend on someone else’s view of who I am”. I read that said, “Whoa!” You are so spot on with that and what you are doing as a mother matters the MOST and has the exact same worth as any/all of the “Jane’s” of this world. Keep on your wonderful path and pat yourself on the back always, Meredith 🙂

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      November 25, 2014 at 5:54 pm

      Thanks Mike! You always leave the best comments.

      Reply
  12. Chelsie says

    January 28, 2015 at 2:46 pm

    Meredith!! I just saw this pin on Pinterest and realized I knew who you were! Your blog is beautiful and full of such wonderful words of wisdom especially for me as a young mom. I really appreciate your honesty and personality in your text. I’m excited to hear more! Thank you 🙂 hope you and your family are doing well. Can’t believe your youngest is 3!! I swear I remember when you had him and it wasn’t long ago.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      January 28, 2015 at 3:08 pm

      Hi Chelsie!! Glad you found me. 🙂 Thanks so much. It’s a fun hobby this little old blog of mine. How are YOU??

      Reply
  13. Julie says

    December 24, 2015 at 1:50 pm

    Thank you for making me feel that just being a Mum is Ok.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Flutterby 7 | Flingo says:
    November 13, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    […] The Identity Crisis of Motherhood by Meredith at Perfection Pending: Every mama can tell you about her days of doubt, her days of wondering “Does what I do matter?” Those of us who stay home with our kiddos often wonder what life would have been like had we pursued one or another of our dreams. Meredith turns the focus inward, giving us her insights into the small but beautiful world that defines who she is right now: Mom. […]

    Reply
  2. For Me, There is No Mommy War. - Perfection Pending says:
    February 19, 2015 at 8:32 am

    […] of us fall into motherhood naturally, while others of us struggle with our own identity crisis of sorts. And none of us want to get it wrong. Because none of us want to mess up these little […]

    Reply
  3. The Stages of Motherhood and Why All Moms Have to Grow Up Too - Perfection Pending says:
    June 25, 2016 at 9:52 pm

    […] just have to go through. Those early years of sleep deprivation, and spit up on your shirt, and no personal space are rough. You just want it to be over as quickly as […]

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Meredith Ethington

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

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WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
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I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

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No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
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Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
It’s true! Researchers have found that as long a It’s true! Researchers have found that as long as you’re doing the repair after mistakes the other times - then 30% is enough! Sometimes I worry I’m not doing it right but I definitely know I’m doing it right 30% of the time! 
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