He reached up for my hand in the store and said, “I hold your hand, Mommy?” I grabbed his tiny, almost 3-year-old hand and for a second, my heart exploded. I wanted nothing more in the world than to hold that tiny hand forever and ever.
Lately, I’ve been feeling more often than not those quiet feelings of immense gratitude. I look at my kids and feel a love so enormous it would literally be impossible to express. I see glimpses of the big kids that they will one day be. Some days, I feel glad life seems to poke by slowly, and they will still be two years old tomorrow. I’m finally wishing for life to slow down instead of speed up.
Some days, I think, I’m finally beginning to be the mom I’ve always wanted to be. The one that is present when it’s important. Who follows those little whispers to give undivided attention when it matters. The one that breathes in their smell right after a nap and promises herself, wills herself, to remember it. The one that sees the importance of child-rearing and not only appreciates it, but loves it.
But, I’m imperfect, and well aware that next week, I might be crying in the bathroom because I yelled at my kids for letting the glow stick leak onto the living room chair and ruin it. I hear a quiet whisper in my head of a quote I heard somewhere that one time, “People are more important than things”. I swallow the anger and promise myself that I’ll do better the next day. And, I might forget that a few days before I was the mom that I wanted to always be.
I’m guessing that every mother goes through the identity crisis of motherhood. We have this idealistic view of motherhood before we actually become mothers, and then when reality hits, we question whether or not we truly are who we thought we were. But, I thought I was so patient. But, I thought I was a good multi-tasker. But, I thought I was a good cook. Motherhood swallows some of us whole and spits us out like a newborn puppy stumbling over her feet, and falling flat on her face just trying to walk a few steps.
But, slowly, we get the hang of things, feel more confident, and most important of all, forgive ourselves. Through lots of practice and time, we learn that the guilt will eat us alive, and that acceptance of ourselves (even with all of our faults) is the only way to survive it all. So we dive in and devote hours and days, and years of our lives to tiny human beings. We sacrifice, and put our own needs last, and learn to shower in 3.5 minutes. When we become mothers, we become a different kind of superhero. One that is invisible to the outside world, but is everything to the world right inside our own houses.
photo credit: Wilson X via photopin cc (changes were made for the purpose of this post)
The identity crisis won’t ever really go away, though. We’ll read an article criticizing our choice and feel inferior. I read one recently. The article was fine. In fact, I liked it. It spoke about how moms feel invisible, but it was the first commenter that shook my own identity for a minute (luckily I only let her get in my head for a minute). She was telling this mom that wrote the article (that presumably she didn’t know) that if she had something to say, speak up. Say it. Enlighten us all. Quit feeling sorry for yourself because you are entrenched in motherhood and feel invisible to the outside world now that you’re a mom. I’m paraphrasing, of course. But, it was done in such a challenging way, almost daring the mom who wrote the article to have something, anything, of worth to contribute to society.
For a split second, I felt small. I am “just” a mom. What DO I have to contribute? If someone were to start a conversation with me about current affairs, I’d only be able to contribute what I’d recently watched on the Today show. I try. I really do. And the truth is, I may not know what’s going on in the world, because my world is right here in my little house. Not with world dictators, but with tiny ones that insist on wearing pool shoes to church.
It would be so easy to have an identity crisis because people are living more well-traveled lives than me. People are out past 8 pm and drinking wine and talking about the current crisis in Syria, and what they would do to fix it. People are joining the peace corps and doing very important big things that don’t involve fixing the two year old 5 different meals. People are getting degrees and awards, and making TV appearances. And, I could feel very, very small. I could feel invisible. I could easily tell myself I don’t have anything left to contribute except maybe to the laundry, the mopping, and the bum wiping society right here at my house.
But, you know what? I refuse to accept that.
I may not be well-traveled. I may not have a doctorate. I may not even wear “real” pants some days. But, what I do matters. And, not just in little ways, but in big ways. Ways that the well-traveled, single, childless critics of the stay at home mom will never understand.
So, I’m not going to have an identity crisis because I chose to be entrenched in motherhood for the unforeseeable future, and others are out solving the Ebola crisis. Nope, I’m going to pat myself on the back because I taught my 5 year old the importance of honesty today. I’m going to tell myself that honest, kind people (like the ones I’m raising) are more important in society than judgmental ones anyway.
My identity does not depend on someone else’s view of who I am. It only depends on my own view of it. Identity can be defined as: the distinguishing character or personality of an individual (see how I googled that?). So maybe those people that categorize me as “just a mom” will see my distinguishing character as a mom in yoga pants that looks like she hasn’t slept in 8 years and is only smart enough to talk about child-rearing. So what?
I know I’m more than that. Regardless of the society that might look right past me.
And, when these kids are grown up and are moving on with their own lives, I know that even if I were to win the nobel peace prize (which I’m pretty sure I won’t) being Mom to my kids will still be the most important work I ever did. And, I’m OK with that.
You just made my morning, thanks. It IS rough to see how many amazing trips annd adventures famiily and friends are having – but they don’t get to snuggle my boys. I think I got the better end of the deal.
It’s been almost 21 years since my first child was born. I was a stay at home mom and went through patches of self doubt, boredom and wishing I was anywhere but volunteering for yet more preschool duty. However, looking back on it I wouldn’t change it for the world. My two have turned out rather well despite having me as a mom. We have a great relationship (both are texting me this very minute from their colleges across the country!) and I can’t wait for Christmas vacation and our reunion. Yes there were moments when I lost it (that splattered murder scene caused by red wine spillage on the white rug comes to mind) but they too make for great memories. “Remember that time Mom got so upset when you …?” The single Janes miss out on those. I can travel with my two but she’ll never know the wonder of a jumbo hug with tears streaming down her face as she apologizes to her child for getting upset. Or a gentle pat on the back from a 3 year old who says “that’s ok Mommy. I know you’ll always love me no matter what.”
I’m with you Meredith. It is the best job you’ll ever have.
Dude. I so needed this today. Imperfect Superheroes indeed.
Thanks girlie.
Such a beautiful post! And yes, being a mom is the most important work that we do! ^5
We all go through this at one point or another. I just try to remember how short my time is with my children (in my house) and remember that I’ll have plenty of time for all that other stuff once they’re grown and flown. 😉
True!
LOVE THIS!!! This identity crisis comes in waves for me. I definitely felt it when my girls were little. The, it cam around again one they were all in school. Lately, I’ve been feeling it again – feeling like at mediocre at lots of things (including mothering) and not really good at anything. At the end of the day, though, I am a mother with all my heart and soul and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Yes! It comes in waves for me too!! Sorry you’re going through that feeling again.
Oh do I LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS Meredith!! YES!!! Oh the horrible haunting of comparison….
Jane. Oh there are all kinds of Jane’s out there. There is only ONE of you. Each of us moms are the only moms for our kiddos- and I truly believe we were specifically designed for our call. Whether all over the world- while doing it, or right in our very own homes!!! (me and you both girl!!)
I agree!!
I loved this post. I always tell myself that I’m never going to regret this time I spend raising my kids. In the end of my life I’m not going to look back and wish I had a distinguished job title or passport full of stamps. I believe I will wish for more time with family and those I love. Thanks for the reminder of what’s really important in life.
Thanks Julie!!
This is really an amazing thought and you were spot on in articulating what can be such a difficult feeling for so many mothers. We want to be it all and do it all and then we feel like we suck for being angry over things instead of people (because let’s face it – it IS annoying when our kids ruin our furniture especially when we told them how to NOT to ruin it) but yeah. And overall? I really appreciate the reminder that being a mom really is the best most important thing. There have been days when I am so stressed trying to finish a project for work or whatever, and on some, I’ve finished it but then feel so empty later. Other days? My son reminds me that he’s more important than the work project and while I’m still stressed out about not finishing work, I know I *KNOW* that I will miss 5-year old him like crazy and I’m so so happy with myself that I just stopped and played. And remembered. xoxo to you
Thanks so much for this awesome comment Kristi. Yes, the kids are good at reminding us of what is super important. 🙂
As long as you are content with who you are, you are doing great! It’s hard not to have an identity crisis as a mom sometimes, but we really are doing the most important job in the world.
I often think motherhood is one great big identity crisis. And then there are those beautiful moments of clarity when suddenly we can see clearly exactly who we are. And remember that YES, what we do matters. Loved this.
I know, right? How could it not be though, I guess. It’s such a huge shift in who we are/what we do on a daily basis.
For me personally, one sentence really nailed it on the head for me and ironically resonated with personally from something that happened today – ‘My identity does not depend on someone else’s view of who I am”. I read that said, “Whoa!” You are so spot on with that and what you are doing as a mother matters the MOST and has the exact same worth as any/all of the “Jane’s” of this world. Keep on your wonderful path and pat yourself on the back always, Meredith 🙂
Thanks Mike! You always leave the best comments.
Meredith!! I just saw this pin on Pinterest and realized I knew who you were! Your blog is beautiful and full of such wonderful words of wisdom especially for me as a young mom. I really appreciate your honesty and personality in your text. I’m excited to hear more! Thank you 🙂 hope you and your family are doing well. Can’t believe your youngest is 3!! I swear I remember when you had him and it wasn’t long ago.
Hi Chelsie!! Glad you found me. 🙂 Thanks so much. It’s a fun hobby this little old blog of mine. How are YOU??
Thank you for making me feel that just being a Mum is Ok.