I woke up this morning and one of my first thoughts while still lying in bed was, “Oh yeah. I wish I hand’t thrown that fit yesterday.” I was quickly consumed by the need to put my feet on the floor and start running. Church. Little people to get ready. Little people all dressed up in their Sunday best sure do make me happy. So, my mood was already lightened.
Do you ever just feel totally different in the light of day? I do.
Here’s the post I typed up (almost angrily) yesterday. I purposely didn’t publish it. It was raw. It was how I was feeling right then, and I needed to vent, but wasn’t sure I wanted it made public. I didn’t. But, I was thinking today, “My blog is supposed to be more ‘real’ now. Right?” Well, those feelings last night were real. So here they are.
Sometimes I wonder if they’re better off without me. *sigh* I’m having a hard day. Saturdays are either really good days for me, or for some reason, really bad ones. This is one of those bad ones. In an effort to “keep this blog real”, which I’m preaching a lot lately, I want to share how I’m truly feeling.
Of course I don’t really think they’d be better off without me in like a suicidal way. And, I definitely don’t think they would be better off without a mother. But, as I sit here, I can’t help but feel like maybe they would have more fun, worry less, feel more carefree, be more peaceful if someone different were in my place.
You see, I had one of my bad Saturday breakdowns. The stress of something money- related got to me. And, it quickly escalated from, “oh crap, what are we going to do” to “my family is better off without me” Someone tell me I’m not the only one that doesn’t have coping mechanisms and spirals quickly into self-pity?
All of the sudden, I started getting upset about everything. I was pissed the house was a total mess (a frequent argument my husband and I get in on Saturdays). So, I start ranting about that. Then, it is the “I feel like a maid”, Then it snowballed to me slamming things (luckily my older two were downstairs and didn’t witness my temper tantrum), then the tears started. Everything felt like a mess. Literally. My husband did his usual retreat and say as little as possible routine. Which makes me even more mad. And, I worked myself all up in a mood that I’m not sure how to get out of.
A messy house is something that bothers me beyond reason. Issues from my childhood that will one day be a blog post all their own. The weird thing is I can let it go for days, and then all of a sudden it is like all the annoyance of the messiness that I had been feeling for the whole week all of the sudden spills out of me as angry words. Usually all directed at my husband. I can’t help but be mad that “I am the only one who cares about the mess” (of course I am. I have a 6, 4, and 1 year old and a husband who is at work all the time). I just want them to care as much as I do. And, that is NEVER going to happen. So, how do you find peace? I don’t want to be a yeller. I don’t. I DON’T!!! Another failure, just a different day.
I tell my husband I’m not hungry for dinner after I stood hovering over the dinner table watching them eat. I was annoyed that he was letting the baby have bacon and spitting it out, so I declared I was going down stairs. I figured this was OK since my husband told me earlier, “Why don’t you just disappear for a little bit?” Not sure how he meant that statement. But, it didn’t feel good considering the mood I was in.
So I come downstairs, and I instantly hear laughter. Happiness. The scurrying of feet. Wild squeals and giggles and my husband probably chasing them around. And, I can’t help but think, “They’re happier without me.”
And, as I write this, the realization that my mood affects everyone is a weight to carry. Because I’m not allowed to dislike my job. Sure, if you work the 9-5 crappy job, you can complain about it on FB, share funny Ecards about your jerk for a boss, and rant about coworkers, but MY job? Nope. I’m not allowed to dislike that.
Because if I do….
All of the sudden, I don’t appreciate what I have.
I’m not “enjoying every moment” of my kids being little.
I’m offending someone who doesn’t have 3 little precious angels stomping on the floors above her.
I am somehow not living up to my “righteous calling” as a mother.
I am disappointing, offending, or hurting someone somewhere if I don’t love my job everyday.
But, my job is one of the hardest jobs there is. And, sometimes, I feel a little entitled to have a bad day. But, I hate how it affects the whole atmosphere in my home. I want to grab those angry words I left hanging in the air and swallow them again. I want to resolve that I won’t get mad the next time. I want to try harder to not worry about the messes and the temper tantrums (including my own) that get to me. I say I’m sorry, but I can feel that, while I am forgiven by those I love most, they are still wishing for something different. So am I. I will try to quiet the guilty voice in my head that tells me that I’m not good enough. I will say a prayer of forgiveness tonight, and whisper “I’m sorry” to my husband after kids are tucked into bed. And, I will hopefully be able to move on tomorrow, and let go of the bad day I had today and grasp for the image of the “perfect mother” I want to be that I am always letting slip through my fingers.
I was in a yucky yucky mood yesterday. After writing this, I got the kids in bed, and retreated to the book I’m reading. It was posted on a blog by The Brilliant Mom. Check out her blog. Anyway, the book is called One Thousand Gifts. It is not written by an LDS author, it is written by a Christian women (and ps-mormons are Christians, too) that writes like poetry in a way that heals my soul. I can’t explain how the thoughts she has put onto paper have literally made me cry. They have made me think I am not alone. They have made me look at my life differently. And, I’ve only read about half. Last night, I sat down with this book and soaked it up. I can’t tell you how much I needed to read every word. Think about reading it. I think every Mom should. Regardless of what religion you are.
Here’s one quote from the book that struck me.
“Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I’ve ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing…. Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away.”
But the whole book is amazing. It is teaching me so much about how to be better. How to do better. How to be more grateful for what I have. That is the key she says to finding joy. Slowing down time, and being in the moment. I could go on and on.
Today is a new day. And, after church, I couldn’t help but find myself grateful for what I have. Thankful for the difficult days because they are what makes us stronger. Today was ward conference (mormon lingo for just another day at church but a day where some of the higher up church leaders come and visit your local congregation and speak to you). I felt like every talk was exactly what I needed to hear. I wish I had taken notes so I could share the inspiration I felt. The things that gave me the resolve to face the busy week I have ahead. This is why I go to church for 3 hours on Sundays. (yes. Mormons go to church for 3 HOURS every. single. week.) Because without church, I would probably feel like I was drowning in myself. Church makes me look at myself from the outside. It makes me reflect, resolve to do better, and it makes me feel like I have a Heavenly Father that loves me. And, a Savior that died for my weaknesses and imperfections. I know these things. But, I need to be reminded.
So, I sit here on a Sunday evening and my heart is full. From a book. From some inspired talks by church leaders. From being with my little family today that I love more than anything.
Being a Mom is hard. Facing the light of each new day is hard too. We remember how we behaved the day before, and maybe feel a little sorry. But, we are not alone. You are not alone.