My youngest recently turned three. The night before his third birthday, he was being such a pill. I’ve been in denial about the fact that he should probably give up naps if I don’t want bedtime to be such an ordeal. Because, frankly, I’m pretty sure he is a night owl that likes to sleep in.
So, it was the day before his birthday, and he was jumping up and down in his bed fighting sleep, and I was at the end of my very thin rope. I still had to run an errand at 9pm at night to get balloons for his party the next day, and it had already been a long day, and I just wanted him to go. to. sleep. I was practically begging him, and he was ignoring me.
Out of desperation, I told him to lay down, and I pulled out an old trick out of my hat from the newborn days. He was a super fussy baby due to food allergy issues and a constant upset tummy. But, the ONE thing that always worked for getting him back to sleep, was patting him on his little tush. I hadn’t done that in years. But, like I said, I was desperate. So, after he finally laid down, I started humming, and patting. And, within seconds, he was out. My first thought after he went to sleep was relief that my last “baby” who was turning three within a few hours, still needed me. He was still a baby, but also growing up quickly before my eyes. I started to cry.
I was crying from exhaustion and relief that the little jerk (I totally say that lovingly) was finally asleep, but I was also crying because I knew that his baby-hood was slipping through my fingers. He would move out of his crib soon, give up the pacifier the very next day, and before I knew it, he would be leaving me to go to college. I was crying because I knew that while he was constantly becoming more and more independent, he still needed his mommy to fall asleep. And, that felt good.
I was crying because he was growing up and so was I.
Photo credit used with permission: Danielle Morhaus Photography
As I sat there in the dark room listening to my boys sleep, I thought about how much I had changed as a mother. When my oldest was that age, I couldn’t wait for each new stage. I was flying through those stages rapidly, and pleading for the next part to come. I was living in the, “I can’t wait until….” phase of life.
I can’t wait until she sleeps through the night.
I can’t wait until she is finally potty trained.
I can’t wait until she starts preschool.
I can’t wait until she can feed herself.
You get the idea. It’s something every parent does. We’re in the survival mode those first few years, and it seems so easy to wish it all away. Little did I know that’s what I was doing during those early years by hoping that it would just. speed. up. I was wishing it all away. There have been lots of beautiful blog posts written about making sure we DON’T wish it all away. I’ve read them, and I’ve felt guilt for doing just that. But, the truth is, I think it’s something MOST parents just have to go through. Those early years of sleep deprivation, and spit up on your shirt, and no personal space are rough. You just want it to be over as quickly as possible.
But, somewhere along the way, I gained perspective. I’m not sure exactly when it was. I don’t think there is some secret to magically understanding that the “in the trenches” years are some of the best. I think we just finally grow up as mothers (and fathers) and realize that we don’t want it to go away. Some parents are born to savor every moment, but I think the majority of us go through The Stages of Motherhood in our own way, and that helps us to “grow up” into the moms we were meant to be.
One moment we’re thrown into motherhood and in our own infancy of sorts. Hovering, worrying constantly, and thinking everyone is judging us. We have bags under our eyes and sighs that come out a little too loudly in public, and we feel a little bitter when someone tells us to soak up every moment. We question our sanity, and are unsure if we’re laughing or crying most of the time just like a hysterical toddler that missed his nap.
Then we reach the teenage stage of motherhood. These years are usually spent popping out more babies with little thought to the consequences. We think we can handle it all, do it all, and be everything. We’re naive just like an actual teenager is. We get too emotional, continue to compare ourselves to others, and throw fits wishing we had our old lives back.
At some point, we ease into the adult stage of motherhood. We have more of a handle on things, and finally let go of the fact that we will never feed our kids all organic even though we know it’s a better choice. We roll our eyes at the other judgy moms, and we do our own thing. We learn that we don’t want to wish it all away, but we want to savor every last drop of cuteness that comes out of our kids’ mouths. We laugh more, play more, and look our kids in the eyes more so they know how we really feel about them. Even though it’s impossible for them to truly understand.
The adult stage of motherhood is far from perfection. For any of you that know my blog even a little, you know that I don’t focus on perfection. But, I’m talking about the kind of mom that is confident in her abilities, that can say I’m sorry, that lets go of the guilt, and that finally learns to savor the good stuff. (I will never savor the moments when a stomach bug is going through our house).
I realized in that dark room, that I think I am finally getting it. I didn’t want any of my kids to grow up anymore. I love each stage they are at, and while birthdays will always be celebrated in my house, each one will still make me a little sad and nostalgic for the year of childhood that is over and gone from their lives forever. Because, one day, all the childhood years will be gone for them, but they will be gone for me too.
To that young mom that is just getting started: I wish I could teach it to you. But, I can’t. It’s something you will have to learn as you go. Don’t feel guilty when you realize that you spent a few years wishing it away. It’s OK because those years are equally hard and beautiful. But, instead, feel proud of who you are once you do realize it. Because you’re growing up just as fast as your little ones are, and that’s a beautiful thing.
This is so sweet, and so true. I was just discussing this with my husband the other day, about how now, with our fourth, I’m looking forward to his milestones, but I’m also chill about it. I sometimes wish that I had started out with this perspective, but I think it is something we have to mature into. And I wish I could give it to new mothers, to my friends who’ve just had their second and I see the struggle as they learn to manage with two little (needy! so needy!) people, but I know they will just have to learn it through their own experiences.
Exactly. I wish I could teach it to everyone too!! But, we all have to struggle through it. I’m just glad I’m starting to see the light a little and chill the heck out! 🙂
Aww… Maybe one day I’ll be all grown up. Until then, thanks for an idea of what’s to come.
If you ask again in spring, I’ll have reverted to the “I can’t wait until this new baby sleeps thru the night phase.” Oh well. 🙂
I’m not all grown up either. But, I’m finally getting into that stage where I’m enjoying it more. It is no coincidence that I now get to sleep through the night most nights too. 😉
Beautifully written. I have had times of feeling guilty that I did not take it all in when they were tiny babies. I had three kids within a little over three years. But, if I really think about it I do remember cuddles, kisses, smelling my babies, and quiet time with each of them. They are now almost 7, 5, and 3. I am still in the crazy, needing personal space, or even to go to the bathroom alone (and with no one banging on the door or sticking fingers under it). But, I am to the point I KNOW I am in the happy, wonderful, any Mom would love to be back phase. I have my crew of littles, they are wonderful, funny, sweet, silly, growing, changing, talking, but still small enough to hold in my arms. However, the minutes are ticking by. Enjoy and love your little ones and be happy you realized this now. Take it all in, each moment and be ok with them passing. There is a ton more ahead!
Totally agree. My kids are the same exact age and I’m just now slipping into that stage of feeling like I love soaking up all of the great things about motherhood. Wish it hadn’t taken me so long, but that’s part of growing up I guess. 🙂
Meredith,
I love, love, LOVE reading your stuff. Everything I read one of your posts I feel like we’ve been friends for years because you write exactly what goes on in my head. I can’t wait to meet you for real at the BYB conference soon! Woohoo! Then we will be friends for realsies!
Until then, hang in there and have a happy new year! And hey, if you’re curating content for clients (or yourself) don’t forget my new little YouTube channel– we’re going to be on Good Things Utah tomorrow, can you believe it! Huzzah!
You’re the coolest. That is all.
Brittany
Ha! You’re so nice. 🙂 I can’t wait to meet you too! I can’t believe you’re going to be on Good Things Utah. I’m going to set my TV to record. Hopefully I didn’t already miss it. Good luck! That would make me a nervous wreck.
I enjoyed this – a nice way to look at it. And at some stage I’ll be able to tell someone I’m a teen mom! I’ll have to moisturize more or something for that stage 🙂
But really, beautiful post. We all need to learn to live through AND enjoy the smothering years. There is no personal space which is equal parts infuriating and endearing.
Some days i wish they were older and more independent and some days I wish they were still babies and need mommy more. It’s a roller coaster of emotions recently for me. 🙂
Oh for me too. Some days I write sweet and sappy posts, and then other days, I’m a total mess. Ha!
My oldest is almost 16 and my youngest is almost 4. Once my oldest was well into his toddler years, this realization also hit me. I have never been in a rush to get through a stage since. Sure, I’ve wanted to take breaks and skip over certain days, but overall I have learned to embrace and enjoy as much of it as possible. It goes so very fast – especially once they start school. Sometimes I look at my youngest and understand why people keep having kids. Then I remember I have four and give myself a little slap on the wrist. Don’t you wish we could impart these lessons to other moms?
I would love to save other moms from the guilt, and the self-shaming, but the truth is, we all have to go through it, and learn it on our own!
I love this post… and I can definitely relate… with each of my three children I found myself savoring the moments very differently, but with my third {and what I knew would be my last}, I definitely took it all in… never once wishing a stage away like I had done before.
That’s totally how I feel with my third Carin! I know he’s my last too, so I enjoy it way more.
Ah… beautifully said. This brought back so many memories of my early motherhood season. It’s amazing how moms slowly mature, much like you shared. I’m an adult now, I believe. But I think I never will fully grow up. <3
We can still be kids at heart…but the adult mom is more just like a mature mom I guess. 🙂
This totally resonated with me, Meredith. Beautifully put. I think I’m *almost* there. 🙂
The truth in this post moved me to tears! And also to my own reflection. Thank you for your honest truth!
I so get this. Truly. I cried at my son’s bedtime just a week or so ago. I just wanted him to go to sleep. He did, holding my hand and I felt so sad for his babyhood and so guilty. Beautiful post!!
Hi Meredith, how are you?
I totally relate to this. I think the biggest moment for me was when my youngest started school. Although I was looking forward to moving on, it was so significant that it broke my heart at the same time. But even my big girl enjoys a cuddle still and she is almost eleven. I take the opportunity to still be needed in that way whenever I can!
Thanks Nicola! And how are you?? I miss or manic Mondays a lot. Sorry I’m kind of invisible these days. 🙂 hope you are doing great!!
Older moms are sometimes just getting started, too. Reading this makes me glad I didn’t enter motherhood until 37. After 13 years of infertility I definitly savor. Maybe that’s why her growing up doesn’t make me sad. I’m excited to see what’s next. She’s my one and only. I honestly feel like I’ve missed out on nothing so far (she’s 2). STOP AND SAVOR! Don’t beat yourself up and don’t sweat the little stuff. Pick your battles, as they say. Even on your worst day, any woman with infertility that’s wants a baby would gladly trade places with you.
Just another perspective. Cheers!
Thanks for your perspective Charity. I totally appreciate your comment. Ever mom has her own unique experience, but the fact that motherhood did not come easily to you does not diminish the fact that it is hard for others. I am so happy for you that you found perspective through your trial of infertility. Some of us have to find the perspective different ways. We are all great mothers. Even when we don’t savor every moment. 🙂
This is beautiful and so true! Even in just 4 1/2 years of being a parent, I have watched myself grow up so much. I hope to continue to grow everyday!