Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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I love trees. It is no wonder that one of my favorite children’s stories is The Giving Tree. I could lie beneath this tree (or any tree) all day long and see it’s beauty. This tree is in my backyard. It is strong, and beautiful, and provides my kids with entertainment as they swing from it. I am thankful for it every summer, and I will miss it. But, I have trees in my new yard that I will love too.

As I was laying on my swing on the back porch the other day searching my soul for answers, the gentle swaying calmed me. I felt relaxed and comforted. I had to grab my camera.

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The sun popped in and out of the branches and the contrast of the bright blue sky behind it was something that I found crazy beautiful.

ImageTo someone else, it might just be a tree in my backyard that thankfully, provides shade. But, to me, it is so much more.

This blog is much like that tree. Sometimes, the sun shines bright, and I’m happy, and blogging in a positive light. Other times, the shade, and darkness takes over for a post or two. Some see it as “just a blog”. I see it as so much more.

Is blogging self-Indulgent or an act in self-awareness? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself these days. That’s why my little break happened (it was pathetically little in some eyes, but in mine, it felt huge…and I still feel like it isn’t over). That’s why I have lost enthusiasm. I hope it doesn’t last. Even if it doesn’t last, that question will always linger in the back of my mind.

Because, this space was supposed to be a safe space for me to write. But, now, I am left to wonder if it isn’t all a little self-indulgent?  I don’t think so. I know that lots of my readers will argue no also (because many of you are bloggers too). But, others will argue yes.

News flash: People….lots of them, don’t understand blogging. They don’t get it. And, I even think they are a little put off, and irritated by it.

Maybe they are thinking, things like, “Who is she to be the voice of motherhood? That’s not how I feel” or “Who is she to be seeking out validation from others?” or “Who does she think she is to have 300+ followers?”

Here’s the answer I would give: I am no one.

I am just me. This space was created to be just that. A safe space for my feelings to be expressed. Not to be the voice for everyone. Not to seek validation (although I do admit that is a side effect of blogging that I like). Not to be the best or most popular. No, none of that. This blog was created to have a space where I could express the joys and the trials of motherhood. A place to evolve. A place where I could be heard for who I really am. Not picked apart. A place where someone might read and relate. Not a place to dwell on negativity, but instead a place to get negativity OUT of me and be better, stronger, and move on.

Everyone has a passion. A love. Writing is mine. My Mom is a writer. My Grandmother was one too. A way with words is what I’ve been blessed with, and this is my place for self-expression. Not my space for leadership or teaching. That’s not what this is about.

Like the tree that gives and gives, Blogging has given me a lot of love.

It has given me freedom from my negativity and bad feelings that I struggle with.

It has given me support.

It has given me strength.

It has given me happiness.

But, most of all? It has made me self-aware. Not everyone has the guts to have an experience (good or bad) and write it down for the whole world to see and have their opinion on it. But, I do that because it makes me self-aware. I believe that I reflect on my daily actions more than the average person, BECAUSE I might write about it later.

Writing makes me a better person. Period.

I am not here to be the leader. I am not here to teach. I am here for me. I am here because it is absolutely OK for me to give a little time each day to me. To reflect on me. To be a better me.

I am not responsible for other people’s feelings when they read my blog. But, I still am affected by their response to my blog. I can’t help it. If they view it as a negative thing, I can’t help but question it’s validity.

But, I’m feeling a little fragmented, exposed, and hesitant. Something I never wanted to feel in this space. The world around us can do that to us enough. We act reserved. We aren’t honest when others ask, “How are you?” and you want to tell the truth, but can’t find your voice. We are judged by everyone, everywhere by what we do, say, wear.

Why can’t this space be all about me? Am I not allowed that one thing? I spend almost every waking hour for my kids and family, who I adore. But, that 2 hours everyday, I dedicate to me. To reflect, to be better, to improve my self. To be self-aware.

This space was supposed to be all of that.

But, when you are open, you are vulnerable. And that, my friends, can feel very unsafe.

Sure, it’s easy for you to give me advice to ignore those that don’t get it. But, I simply cannot. Because they are real, human, and close. They are people I love. They have feelings too, that I try to respect. But, I’m scared to even publish this for fear of others not getting it. I’m scared in a space where I was supposed to feel safest.

Like the tree, this blog gives and gives and gives. Maybe no one notices, but me the good that it gives me. But, to me, it is everything. And, that matters.


16 Comments

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Comments

  1. mithriluna says

    June 11, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    Meredith – I totally understand your feeling fragmented and unsafe. I am kind of in that same state as far as my blogging is concerned as well. I just came through a couple trying months and I am having difficulty concentrating. Lately my blog posts have been just my pictures (taking pictures – my favorite stress reliever).
    But I do believe there is a fine line between being self-indulgent and being self-aware when it comes to blogging. When I first started blogging I think I was incredibly self-indulgent. I think the self-awareness thing caused me to think too much. Nowadays I am a little better but still I admit, I love seeing the followers number rise. 🙂
    Every one of us from time to time, have moments/phases when we feel out of sync. I think you did a fine job expressing your concerns. I think it’s good to step back and consider the reasons why you blog and why you are here. When you are ready, we will take that new step with you.
    ~Mar

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      June 11, 2013 at 8:55 pm

      Yes sometimes I do think too much….but most times I sit down without a clue of what I’m going to write and then it just flows out depending on what is happening that day. After doing this for so long, I know it is a thing i was meant to do and I just need to be more confident that it is the right thing for me to be doing and God approves! I feel that. Even if others don’t.

      Reply
  2. kidsrecipesandorganisedchaos says

    June 11, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    What a great post. I’m new to blogging, but have been a reader for years, and I have loved reading other mothers’ journeys. It takes the isolation and loneliness out of motherhood – even if you are never alone.
    My blog is a space for me to talk without being interrupted- something that commonly happens when you’re a mother.
    I hope you find your blogging mojo again, as your words are beautiful.

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      June 11, 2013 at 8:52 pm

      Thanks!

      Reply
  3. Tracy@CrazyAsNormal says

    June 11, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    I don’t misplace my mojo as much as I place it on a shelf for safe keeping when I have other stuff that needs to be on my front burners. Someday I plan on having a bunch of pickled posts to pull off the shelves for those days/times, but yeah – not there yet. No where close. 🙂

    Reply
  4. kat170 says

    June 11, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    I think you’ve answered your own question. And it’s hard for me to be unbiased, because I am a blogger too – but I absolutely don’t consider blogging to be self-indulgent. We are all putting a little piece of ourselves out in the world. It takes courage and strength to do that. And don’t sell yourself (or your readers!) short – what you have to say has real value. Your blogging identity is, I think, an extension of yourself and in no way takes away from your focus on your family. At least, this is what I tell myself. And I believe it.
    For what it’s worth I love your blog.

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      June 11, 2013 at 8:52 pm

      Thank you! I agree. I have found the answer. I just want others to understand why I love it so much! It’s hard for me when I am misunderstood!

      Reply
  5. bensbitterblog says

    June 11, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    As a blogger I just have to agree that blogging is way more that just writing things down. It has become a huge part of my life since I started and actually like you most people I tell just don’t get. Not self indulgent. It is about your voice.

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      June 11, 2013 at 8:50 pm

      Thx! I was actually going to ask you (but couldn’t find an email for you) if your blog is public to friends and family and if they view it as negative….or if people are less critical because you are a guy!? I was just curious because you are lds too.

      Reply
      • bensbitterblog says

        June 11, 2013 at 9:00 pm

        It’s funny that you ask that. I was pretty skeptical at first about having friends and family reading it at first. In fact, I didn’t tell my wife for about a month. Then I told her and she read it and found that it was more about my sense of humor than bitterness. My parents got a hold of it and are now subscribers. They are on their third mission right now, so that tells you how die hard they are. I think once people realize that it is just kind of my twisted sense of humor, they are fine with it. I do have to censor things that I would write every once in a while, but honestly doing that just stretches my creativity even more. Do you get negative feedback from family sometimes?

        Reply
        • fakingpictureperfect says

          June 11, 2013 at 9:46 pm

          Possibly. 😉

          Reply
          • bensbitterblog says

            June 12, 2013 at 12:31 am

            That kind of sucks. I hope that people are a little less judgmental. I know I probably would have quit if people were that way to me.

  6. sezsue says

    June 12, 2013 at 5:15 pm

    Hooray for you, Meredith! Can’t wait to see you!

    Reply
  7. zeudytigre says

    June 13, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    If you have readers then you are giving. Nobody is forced to read what you write. If they don’t like it they should look elsewhere. Write for yourself, whatever you feel like putting down. All your thoughts are valid. If nobody is reading but you derive benefit from putting your thoughts into words then the exercise is still worthwhile.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Outside | Faking Picture Perfect says:
    June 19, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    […] our backyard, heating up the bricks on the east side of the house to 120 degrees, and the shade of our beautiful tree doesn’t do a dang thing until much later in the […]

    Reply
  2. Today, We Bought A House | Faking Picture Perfect says:
    June 20, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    […] The smudges on the walls belong to tiny people that have lived happy moments in every room. The tree in the backyard is a source of both shade and play. The stained glass window on the front door is one of my […]

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

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Meredith Ethington

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

Read the rest in my substack ❤️
New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression
"I don't care" as I literally care about every sin "I don't care" as I literally care about every single thing.
I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

Yes, even for you Karen. ➡️➡️ to keep reading.
Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mea Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mean someone loves you that much to communicate them! Love this wisdom from @wittyidiot
NEW POST ----> "This is not a post about loss of a NEW POST ----> "This is not a post about loss of a loved one. Or loss of a child. Those things are real, and they’re heart wrenching. And, this post is certainly not to compare that loss with the one I’m going to talk about.

But, the loss of yourself in motherhood is real. And It’s not talked about enough." 

Do you feel like you lost yourself in motherhood? How? I really want to know. 

Psss - I am in grad school to become a therapist, and am not ashamed to ask that you subscribe to my paid substack. I just lowered the cost to $36/year! That's like $4/month and you'll have access to all my previous posts, and some new weekly short posts to give you ideas to help with balancing motherhood and your own mental health. I'm learning a lot in school, and will only continue to do so, so subscribe and we'll support each other. ❤️
This memory made me laugh this morning. 🤣 This memory made me laugh this morning. 🤣
Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon
I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and a dress with spaghetti straps and a Tshirt under it while you’re telling me I’m doing it wrong? 🤣 Life is wild. Teenagers are fun.
Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s th Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s the moral of the story friends? If you think your household is always sick - it’s because they probably are. Kids make everything more germ-y
Here’s what I do know 👇 No one knows what th Here’s what I do know 👇

No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
Our kids love us anyway. 
We’re all going to be OK. 
You’ve got this (as much as any of us do) 😘

#momspiration #momlife #funnymoms #memtalhealth #parentinglife #parentingquotes
"By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to "By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to avoid being human." 

Do you struggle with perfectionism? Parenthood has helped me quite a bit, but It's something I've battled my whole life. I still struggle occasionally, although it's gotten better. But, let's stop trying to avoid being human and instead embrace ourselves an in turn embrace the entire human race. ❤️ I'd love to hear how you embrace being imperfect. 

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Mood. Mood.
Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
It’s true! Researchers have found that as long a It’s true! Researchers have found that as long as you’re doing the repair after mistakes the other times - then 30% is enough! Sometimes I worry I’m not doing it right but I definitely know I’m doing it right 30% of the time! 
Probably a whole lot more to be honest. I bet you are too. #momlife #encouragement #momspiration
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