I love trees. It is no wonder that one of my favorite children’s stories is The Giving Tree. I could lie beneath this tree (or any tree) all day long and see it’s beauty. This tree is in my backyard. It is strong, and beautiful, and provides my kids with entertainment as they swing from it. I am thankful for it every summer, and I will miss it. But, I have trees in my new yard that I will love too.
As I was laying on my swing on the back porch the other day searching my soul for answers, the gentle swaying calmed me. I felt relaxed and comforted. I had to grab my camera.
The sun popped in and out of the branches and the contrast of the bright blue sky behind it was something that I found crazy beautiful.
To someone else, it might just be a tree in my backyard that thankfully, provides shade. But, to me, it is so much more.
This blog is much like that tree. Sometimes, the sun shines bright, and I’m happy, and blogging in a positive light. Other times, the shade, and darkness takes over for a post or two. Some see it as “just a blog”. I see it as so much more.
Is blogging self-Indulgent or an act in self-awareness? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself these days. That’s why my little break happened (it was pathetically little in some eyes, but in mine, it felt huge…and I still feel like it isn’t over). That’s why I have lost enthusiasm. I hope it doesn’t last. Even if it doesn’t last, that question will always linger in the back of my mind.
Because, this space was supposed to be a safe space for me to write. But, now, I am left to wonder if it isn’t all a little self-indulgent? I don’t think so. I know that lots of my readers will argue no also (because many of you are bloggers too). But, others will argue yes.
News flash: People….lots of them, don’t understand blogging. They don’t get it. And, I even think they are a little put off, and irritated by it.
Maybe they are thinking, things like, “Who is she to be the voice of motherhood? That’s not how I feel” or “Who is she to be seeking out validation from others?” or “Who does she think she is to have 300+ followers?”
Here’s the answer I would give: I am no one.
I am just me. This space was created to be just that. A safe space for my feelings to be expressed. Not to be the voice for everyone. Not to seek validation (although I do admit that is a side effect of blogging that I like). Not to be the best or most popular. No, none of that. This blog was created to have a space where I could express the joys and the trials of motherhood. A place to evolve. A place where I could be heard for who I really am. Not picked apart. A place where someone might read and relate. Not a place to dwell on negativity, but instead a place to get negativity OUT of me and be better, stronger, and move on.
Everyone has a passion. A love. Writing is mine. My Mom is a writer. My Grandmother was one too. A way with words is what I’ve been blessed with, and this is my place for self-expression. Not my space for leadership or teaching. That’s not what this is about.
Like the tree that gives and gives, Blogging has given me a lot of love.
It has given me freedom from my negativity and bad feelings that I struggle with.
It has given me support.
It has given me strength.
It has given me happiness.
But, most of all? It has made me self-aware. Not everyone has the guts to have an experience (good or bad) and write it down for the whole world to see and have their opinion on it. But, I do that because it makes me self-aware. I believe that I reflect on my daily actions more than the average person, BECAUSE I might write about it later.
Writing makes me a better person. Period.
I am not here to be the leader. I am not here to teach. I am here for me. I am here because it is absolutely OK for me to give a little time each day to me. To reflect on me. To be a better me.
I am not responsible for other people’s feelings when they read my blog. But, I still am affected by their response to my blog. I can’t help it. If they view it as a negative thing, I can’t help but question it’s validity.
But, I’m feeling a little fragmented, exposed, and hesitant. Something I never wanted to feel in this space. The world around us can do that to us enough. We act reserved. We aren’t honest when others ask, “How are you?” and you want to tell the truth, but can’t find your voice. We are judged by everyone, everywhere by what we do, say, wear.
Why can’t this space be all about me? Am I not allowed that one thing? I spend almost every waking hour for my kids and family, who I adore. But, that 2 hours everyday, I dedicate to me. To reflect, to be better, to improve my self. To be self-aware.
This space was supposed to be all of that.
But, when you are open, you are vulnerable. And that, my friends, can feel very unsafe.
Sure, it’s easy for you to give me advice to ignore those that don’t get it. But, I simply cannot. Because they are real, human, and close. They are people I love. They have feelings too, that I try to respect. But, I’m scared to even publish this for fear of others not getting it. I’m scared in a space where I was supposed to feel safest.
Like the tree, this blog gives and gives and gives. Maybe no one notices, but me the good that it gives me. But, to me, it is everything. And, that matters.
Meredith – I totally understand your feeling fragmented and unsafe. I am kind of in that same state as far as my blogging is concerned as well. I just came through a couple trying months and I am having difficulty concentrating. Lately my blog posts have been just my pictures (taking pictures – my favorite stress reliever).
But I do believe there is a fine line between being self-indulgent and being self-aware when it comes to blogging. When I first started blogging I think I was incredibly self-indulgent. I think the self-awareness thing caused me to think too much. Nowadays I am a little better but still I admit, I love seeing the followers number rise. 🙂
Every one of us from time to time, have moments/phases when we feel out of sync. I think you did a fine job expressing your concerns. I think it’s good to step back and consider the reasons why you blog and why you are here. When you are ready, we will take that new step with you.
~Mar
Yes sometimes I do think too much….but most times I sit down without a clue of what I’m going to write and then it just flows out depending on what is happening that day. After doing this for so long, I know it is a thing i was meant to do and I just need to be more confident that it is the right thing for me to be doing and God approves! I feel that. Even if others don’t.
What a great post. I’m new to blogging, but have been a reader for years, and I have loved reading other mothers’ journeys. It takes the isolation and loneliness out of motherhood – even if you are never alone.
My blog is a space for me to talk without being interrupted- something that commonly happens when you’re a mother.
I hope you find your blogging mojo again, as your words are beautiful.
Thanks!
I don’t misplace my mojo as much as I place it on a shelf for safe keeping when I have other stuff that needs to be on my front burners. Someday I plan on having a bunch of pickled posts to pull off the shelves for those days/times, but yeah – not there yet. No where close. 🙂
I think you’ve answered your own question. And it’s hard for me to be unbiased, because I am a blogger too – but I absolutely don’t consider blogging to be self-indulgent. We are all putting a little piece of ourselves out in the world. It takes courage and strength to do that. And don’t sell yourself (or your readers!) short – what you have to say has real value. Your blogging identity is, I think, an extension of yourself and in no way takes away from your focus on your family. At least, this is what I tell myself. And I believe it.
For what it’s worth I love your blog.
Thank you! I agree. I have found the answer. I just want others to understand why I love it so much! It’s hard for me when I am misunderstood!
As a blogger I just have to agree that blogging is way more that just writing things down. It has become a huge part of my life since I started and actually like you most people I tell just don’t get. Not self indulgent. It is about your voice.
Thx! I was actually going to ask you (but couldn’t find an email for you) if your blog is public to friends and family and if they view it as negative….or if people are less critical because you are a guy!? I was just curious because you are lds too.
It’s funny that you ask that. I was pretty skeptical at first about having friends and family reading it at first. In fact, I didn’t tell my wife for about a month. Then I told her and she read it and found that it was more about my sense of humor than bitterness. My parents got a hold of it and are now subscribers. They are on their third mission right now, so that tells you how die hard they are. I think once people realize that it is just kind of my twisted sense of humor, they are fine with it. I do have to censor things that I would write every once in a while, but honestly doing that just stretches my creativity even more. Do you get negative feedback from family sometimes?
Possibly. 😉
That kind of sucks. I hope that people are a little less judgmental. I know I probably would have quit if people were that way to me.
Hooray for you, Meredith! Can’t wait to see you!
If you have readers then you are giving. Nobody is forced to read what you write. If they don’t like it they should look elsewhere. Write for yourself, whatever you feel like putting down. All your thoughts are valid. If nobody is reading but you derive benefit from putting your thoughts into words then the exercise is still worthwhile.