I love trees. It is no wonder that one of my favorite children’s stories is The Giving Tree. I could lie beneath this tree (or any tree) all day long and see it’s beauty. This tree is in my backyard. It is strong, and beautiful, and provides my kids with entertainment as they swing from it. I am thankful for it every summer, and I will miss it. But, I have trees in my new yard that I will love too.
As I was laying on my swing on the back porch the other day searching my soul for answers, the gentle swaying calmed me. I felt relaxed and comforted. I had to grab my camera.
The sun popped in and out of the branches and the contrast of the bright blue sky behind it was something that I found crazy beautiful.
This blog is much like that tree. Sometimes, the sun shines bright, and I’m happy, and blogging in a positive light. Other times, the shade, and darkness takes over for a post or two. Some see it as “just a blog”. I see it as so much more.
Is blogging self-Indulgent or an act in self-awareness? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself these days. That’s why my little break happened (it was pathetically little in some eyes, but in mine, it felt huge…and I still feel like it isn’t over). That’s why I have lost enthusiasm. I hope it doesn’t last. Even if it doesn’t last, that question will always linger in the back of my mind.
Because, this space was supposed to be a safe space for me to write. But, now, I am left to wonder if it isn’t all a little self-indulgent? I don’t think so. I know that lots of my readers will argue no also (because many of you are bloggers too). But, others will argue yes.
News flash: People….lots of them, don’t understand blogging. They don’t get it. And, I even think they are a little put off, and irritated by it.
Maybe they are thinking, things like, “Who is she to be the voice of motherhood? That’s not how I feel” or “Who is she to be seeking out validation from others?” or “Who does she think she is to have 300+ followers?”
Here’s the answer I would give: I am no one.
I am just me. This space was created to be just that. A safe space for my feelings to be expressed. Not to be the voice for everyone. Not to seek validation (although I do admit that is a side effect of blogging that I like). Not to be the best or most popular. No, none of that. This blog was created to have a space where I could express the joys and the trials of motherhood. A place to evolve. A place where I could be heard for who I really am. Not picked apart. A place where someone might read and relate. Not a place to dwell on negativity, but instead a place to get negativity OUT of me and be better, stronger, and move on.
Everyone has a passion. A love. Writing is mine. My Mom is a writer. My Grandmother was one too. A way with words is what I’ve been blessed with, and this is my place for self-expression. Not my space for leadership or teaching. That’s not what this is about.
Like the tree that gives and gives, Blogging has given me a lot of love.
It has given me freedom from my negativity and bad feelings that I struggle with.
It has given me support.
It has given me strength.
It has given me happiness.
But, most of all? It has made me self-aware. Not everyone has the guts to have an experience (good or bad) and write it down for the whole world to see and have their opinion on it. But, I do that because it makes me self-aware. I believe that I reflect on my daily actions more than the average person, BECAUSE I might write about it later.
Writing makes me a better person. Period.
I am not here to be the leader. I am not here to teach. I am here for me. I am here because it is absolutely OK for me to give a little time each day to me. To reflect on me. To be a better me.
I am not responsible for other people’s feelings when they read my blog. But, I still am affected by their response to my blog. I can’t help it. If they view it as a negative thing, I can’t help but question it’s validity.
But, I’m feeling a little fragmented, exposed, and hesitant. Something I never wanted to feel in this space. The world around us can do that to us enough. We act reserved. We aren’t honest when others ask, “How are you?” and you want to tell the truth, but can’t find your voice. We are judged by everyone, everywhere by what we do, say, wear.
Why can’t this space be all about me? Am I not allowed that one thing? I spend almost every waking hour for my kids and family, who I adore. But, that 2 hours everyday, I dedicate to me. To reflect, to be better, to improve my self. To be self-aware.
This space was supposed to be all of that.
But, when you are open, you are vulnerable. And that, my friends, can feel very unsafe.
Sure, it’s easy for you to give me advice to ignore those that don’t get it. But, I simply cannot. Because they are real, human, and close. They are people I love. They have feelings too, that I try to respect. But, I’m scared to even publish this for fear of others not getting it. I’m scared in a space where I was supposed to feel safest.
Like the tree, this blog gives and gives and gives. Maybe no one notices, but me the good that it gives me. But, to me, it is everything. And, that matters.