So, there was one thing that no one ever told me about parenting. That I have to be sneaky. Almost daily. Here’s the deal, I’m not sneaky by nature. In fact, I have no poker face, and when I try to lie, it is very easy to see that I’m bluffing. Plus, I have a horrible memory, so don’t expect me to keep facts straight. I can’t wait for the day when my kids know that Santa and the Easter Bunny are just me. It will be such a relief!
But, one thing no one ever told me about parenting was that this skill would get perfected as a parent in just your normal day to day life.
Take sneaking into the child’s room while they are napping. This is of course only when it’s practically a life or death situation. But still. On the rare occasion when I have to do it, in my mind, I look like Catherine Zeta Jones from that movie Entrapment. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Go here. But, in reality, I probably look like a total freak with every muscle constricted and a look of horror/why am I doing this? on my face. Add to the sneakiness trying to get in the shower without making the wood floors creak before the boys wake up, or trying to open up any packaging at all without three kids running in from three rooms away to see what you are eating.
You could also include being sneaky about what is coming next. By all means, I can’t let the toddler know that he is about to get his diaper changed. If I do, he will run away screaming. Needs his face wiped after lunch? I sneak up to him with a wet paper towel behind my back before he can see it and BAM! I attack his poor little face with cleanliness. He never saw it coming.
Runny nose? Can’t let him hear me pull out a tissue from the box.
Time to clean their room? I make it into a game before they realize what is happening.
Need to put clothes ON them? Tackle them and work as quickly as possible while trying to distract with a toy or book.
And, then there are the more serious issues like how I found out my 2nd grader knows about “crushes”. Like the kind where boys like girls and vice versa. Wasn’t that supposed to happen sometime around college? Nope, she’s talking about it now. But, I can’t let her know that I know that a boy in her class has a crush on her. I can’t just come right out and say it or she will shut down. So, I’m sneaky. I ask vague questions hoping she’ll mention his name….she does. I follow it up with:
“Is he your friend?” No.
“Do you ever play with him at recess?” No.
“Well, why not?” I don’t know (as she looks at me suspiciously)
I drop it. No further facts are discovered. I really, really suck at being sneaky.
I sometimes feel guilt about the scheming, sneaking and the little white lies. It’s OK though, they’re sneaky too.
Like undressing themselves as best as possible in the backseat of the car when Mom isn’t looking. Well, played kid. How you were able to get that many buttons undone while strapped into a five-point harness is beyond me.
What is one thing no one ever told YOU about parenting?
Love every bit of this!!! The Santa / Easter Bunny / Tooth Fairy lies make me feel guilt for days! Who came up with this stuff? I can tell Jadyn is very close to knowing there is no way a human size rabbit sneaks into our house without anyone noticing. She asks me about it and all I can do is vaguely say “sometimes things are just magic” trying not to reeeeally lie as she gives me the “really mom? a huge bunny? and a flying fairy that takes my teeth and leaves notes in your handwriting??” face. Sometimes I want to leave out the “santa” wrapping paper where she can find it so I can live in peace for 2 more years until Mason starts getting wise.
For sure! I can’t wait until it is all over….some parents just LOVE playing Santa. I hate it!!
I had never noticed all the sneakiness that goes on but you are totally right! We are a conniving family as well! Shame on all of us.
I know, right??
Haha, how funny – you are so right! Daily sneakiness, that’s what early motherhood looks like. LOL
I know! After being a mom to three, it makes me think I could be a CIA agent or super sleuth or something.
This had me giggling all the way through and so great as my last blog read before going to bed to read my book. I laughed out loud, literally, at your babe undressing in the car seat. Love the toes too!
He is becoming quite good at undressing himself at inappropriate times! It’s pretty fun/disturbing.
I used to be so loud, whether is was walking around or waking up in the morning, but with kids you have to be a ninja or face the wrath of them waking up.
I wouldn’t tell my kids about Santa, but they found out anyway of course, and then I felt I had to go along with it. I hated that. I tried so hard not to lie about anything to them but that one got me and went on for years. I felt great relief when I was finally asked if he really existed; telling the truth at last, but what a hard conversation; killing a dream and admitting mom had lied 🙁
Love the imagery of you sneaking up on your kids to clean them up — Ninja Mom 🙂
Yes, my baby HATES having his face wiped. I guess he’d rather have dried oatmeal stuck to his face all day! 🙂
HAHAHA! This is awesome. I relate so very much. Last trip I took with the kids, my 3 year old ended up with his shirt completely off of his arms, just caught around his neck under the harness straps. And no matter how quiet I am in the morning, I can’t ever seem to get up earlier than my 18 month old. So I gave up and just get up with the kids. Forget showering, hehe. What did no one ever tell me about parenting? How horribly difficult it is to say no when you know it will make them cry, how difficult it is not to do anything they wish just for the smiles.
My youngest has me falling for the cute smiles too. That IS a hard one! Thanks for stopping by!