Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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Bullying Learning Motherhood Parenting

Why I Don’t Want My Daughter to Have a Best Friend

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My child has friends, but no best friend.

When my daughter was eight years old, I had one of those parenting days where I felt like I got punched in the gut. My daughter usually comes home happy from school. I greeted her with a big hug and said, “How was your day?”

“Not that good” she responded quietly burrowing her head into my waist.

“What? Why!?” I asked.

She proceeded to tell me that her friend (that I just started hearing a lot about in the last couple of weeks) took her BFF necklace back. She had just given it to her the week before.

As she was racing out the door that morning, she made sure to go back in and grab that necklace at the last minute. Obviously it was special to her. They just had a playdate last week and had a great time. How did all of that change so suddenly? The little girl actually took it off of my daughter’s neck.

We had a LONG talk after that. We talked about friends, and what that means, and how it’s important to be friends with everyone. How one day she will figure out who her true best friend is, but if she takes back her necklace, she probably isn’t the right kind of friend anyway. I encouraged her to continue to be nice to this girl, but that she didn’t have to be her friend if she didn’t want to. But, she still wanted to, she told me. We problem solved for a few minutes, and I think she felt better.

Mean girls exist and I was heartbroken for my daughter. She’s a sensitive one, and just didn’t seem to understand why her friend would do that. The reason that she took the necklace away was because my daughter chose to do something nice for another child. And, then she threw in that “there was another reason too, but she wasn’t going to tell her.”

It seems to be a common thing for young girls to test the waters of being “mean”.  Sure, we can blame it on the parents, but I’m smart enough to know that even kids that come from good homes can still be mean. I like to think that they are all just trying to figure out social skills, and choosing friends is part of that, but I’ve decided that the term “best friend” is something I don’t want to encourage right now.

 

why-i-dont-want-my-daughter-to-have-a-best-friend

In elementary school, friends change weekly.

One day someone is your bestie and the next day, they don’t want to talk to you. But, one thing I’ve tried to explain to my daughter is that by choosing a best friend, you’re excluding others. Whether you mean to or not. And, it’s OK to love a friend more than others, but we don’t need to broadcast that fact to all our other friends.

Maybe you might argue that it’s all harmless fun, and that there is nothing wrong with having that one special friend, but if we are truly talking about teaching our kids social skills, maybe teaching them to latch on to one person is the wrong way to go about it. Because human nature is that humans sometimes hurt each other. And, if they only have one friend, it might be much more devastating when that friend rejects them. Which at seven and eight years old, is a very likely possibility.

Having lots of friends encourages you to learn about different personalities.

Now, I’m not suggesting that we teach our kids that they HAVE to be friends with every single person, but I’m suggesting we encourage them that having lots of friends is better than just one. Why? Because having lots of friends encourages you to learn about different personalities. Some friends may be fun to go kick the soccer ball with while others will be the one you might choose to take to a movie with you. Everyone has different talents and I know that my life is truly blessed by having friends from all different backgrounds and personalities!

Let’s teach our girls to be confident in who they are.

However, if they have lots of friends, it will be easier to encourage them to focus on other friends for a little while until whatever pre-tween drama blows over. By teaching our kids to be confident in themselves and realize they have LOTS of friends to choose from, aren’t we giving them better tools to deal with real life challenges? Because even adults lose best friends. And there’s proof that  women use indirect aggression to get ahead. But, what about those quieter, less aggressive girls? Some of them just aren’t born with the ability to fight back in that way.

We can be kind without being exclusive.

So, what do you do when your child is offered the “best friend” necklace? I don’t want to teach her to be the mean girl by rejecting it. Here’s an idea for a good response:

“Thank you! I’m so glad we’re friends. I’m not going to wear it at school so it doesn’t get lost, but, I love it and am so glad you gave it to me!”

Finding a best friend will happen naturally over time.

I met my best friend in 5th grade, and apparently I was the mean girl that first year. So much so that her Mom almost didn’t let her come to my house in the 6th grade because I had been mean to her in the past. I didn’t remember it, but she sure did. But thankfully, her mom said yes, because we’ve been friends ever since. But, it took us until middle school to realize we were perfect for each other.

But, I think finding a best friend will happen naturally over time.

For now, I am going to focus on teaching her to be confident in herself. Love everyone. And, treat others with kindness. A recent study shows that those kids who were encouraged to treat others with kindness had a boost in popularity. That’s good news. There is hope. And, I believe kindness can go a long way. And, I hope that one day she will find her true bestie that will have those same qualities too.

Do you encourage best friends? I want to know what YOU think.


55 Comments

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Comments

  1. The Waiting says

    March 12, 2014 at 11:23 am

    This is an extremely difficult situation, and I think you handled it beautifully. That title of “best friend” has to be handled with care when girls are young and still exploring relationships. I remember being in high school out with a group of my close friends, and the one who I always thought was my official BFF mentioned to the group that someone else was her best friend. I went to the bathroom and had an ugly cry. She obviously didn’t mean to hurt me; in fact, we are friends to this very day. But still, so much of some children’s identities are wrapped up in who they extend that BFF baton to. Way to go, Mama, for handling this one with so much understanding and love. Knowing girls, it probably won’t be the last time these issues come up, but you did a great job.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 12, 2014 at 12:22 pm

      Ugh. Thanks. It is SO hard. And, half the time, I have no clue what to say! Yes. It’s hard to hear the term best friend when it isn’t about you, which is why I don’t like it!

      Reply
  2. Kate says

    March 12, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    I am so sorry your little munchkin is going through this. My daughter is 14 years old and we move a lot! Like, a lot-a lot. So she has come into contact with so many different people. Just the other day in fact she called me at lunch crying in the bathroom because her normally sweet friends were all ganging up on her and being witchy. I don’t normally do this but because of other circumstances that were going on I let her come home and we talked about everything that had happened. Of course an hour later everyone was calling her wondering why she left and why she was upset…she just said she was having a rough hormonal day and it was best she came home. A partial truth but these girls had no idea how their body language and words had affected her. Kids at these ages are going through a very selfish time, not to say anything mean about them it is a developmental fact lol Eventually they will out grow it but as parents we have to instill in our children the grace and beauty of being a good person and a good friend. I think you are doing a wonderful job. I will be honest I had a best friend growing up & 30 years later she is my daughter’s godmother & we are going to visit her in one week…my daughter has found out she has a best friend because through all our moves there is one friend that keeps in touch & even came to visit us in Canada (from FL and this girl had never been on a plane before). So, knowing your best friend comes in time. I’d say if a child gives her a necklace she should accept it graciously but she doesn’t have to wear it, of course! 🙂 Or she could say wow, thanks, but I don’t need a pieces of jewelery to know we are good friends! 🙂 Good luck to your little angel, let her know this won’t be the last time it happens sadly so she should keep her head up! 🙂

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 12, 2014 at 12:34 pm

      Thanks so much Kate! I know there will be many more instances like this. Thank GOODNESS I only had one girl. 🙂 I’m still friends with my Best friend too. And, I’m going to see her in one week too!! 🙂 You’re absolutely right, it will come with time. Just watching them go through it is so hard.

      Reply
  3. JenKehl - My Skewed View says

    March 12, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    I totally feel for you. I struggle with this myself. As a homeschooler, I have to actively seek out friendships for my son. He can be really picky, and I don’t always love the boys he likes.
    Also sometimes the moms don’t even try to put effort into playdates with him because they don’t go to school together.
    So I even have the moms to contend with.
    I agree with the try to be nice to everyone plan. It’s really a win win.
    You know my sister’s best friend was the mean girl. They’ve been friends since they were 6. They’ve had plenty of ups and downs. But they did work it out, and now almost 35 years later, they’re still together.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 12, 2014 at 1:25 pm

      Well, moms have a lot to do with this. In fact, I was thinking, if my daughter wanted to buy a best friend necklace for one of her friends, I’d have a LONG talk with her about what that might mean to the other kid, and try to express that she can never take the necklace back. I wish the mom in my situation had done that.

      Reply
  4. Amber says

    March 12, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    My daughter is almost 7 and she’s been told by girls she has played with before that they are no longer her friend. Girls can be mean. I also sat down with Natalie and explained that yes, sometimes people are cruel but she needs to continue to be kind to everyone even if it is hard sometimes.

    I heard about that story where the girl was murdered. Scared me too :/

    Reply
    • Kristi says

      March 12, 2014 at 2:11 pm

      I have twins who are 10 and I understand the hurt you have for your daughter. None of us want our children to experience pain. I don’t think it’s fair though to label her friend a “mean girl.” Was taking the necklace away mean? Of course it was. But that doesn’t mean she’s a mean girl. It means she’s a child who made an impulsive choice that hurt your daughter’s feelings. And I don’t think hoping your daughter doesn’t again choose a best friend is going to help. We like people differently. That’s human nature. I know that I have friends that I’m closer to than others and yes, I have a best friend. Children, just like adults, are going to be closer to some people than they are to others. I’ve reminded my girls that they can have many “best friends” and that they are to treat all of their classmates with kindness. It doesn’t mean they always do but it’s a message shared frequently in our home. I know I can’t protect my girls from the inevitable hurt some relationships bring but I also know many of those relationships will bring joy, happiness and learning as well.

      Reply
      • Meredith says

        March 12, 2014 at 2:17 pm

        Thanks for your comment Kristi. I agree, just because someone does a mean act, doesn’t mean they ARE mean. In fact, like I said in my post, I was even mean at first to my own best friend, but I definitely wasn’t a mean girl. One thing I told my daughter was that I hope that if she keeps being nice to this girl, she will see that she wants to be friends again. I think there is danger in handing out these necklaces though, and labeling best friends at such a young age. Best friends will come about naturally as kids learn to distinguish what a true friend is. But, when they are so young, if parents aren’t careful in teaching their daughters what it means when they hand out a necklace like this girl did, then there can be damage done that really hurts. Kids need to understand that, and the parents need to be the ones reinforcing that. It sounds like you are! 🙂

        Reply
        • Kristi says

          March 12, 2014 at 4:21 pm

          For what it’s worth, I can’t stand those “best friend” necklaces!

          Reply
  5. Kate says

    March 12, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    I like the way you parent! I’m not one myself so I can’t offer too much here but I definitely hope to inspire the same lessons once I do have children.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 12, 2014 at 2:30 pm

      Thanks for stopping by Kate! 🙂

      Reply
  6. Jen Groeber says

    March 12, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    I am so sorry this happened. I cringe at every faint whiff of mean girlness that wafts past me or my daughters, even when it occasionally seems to radiate from one of them (ack!) The relief though is that one of my new (er) friends gave me the loveliest birthday gift last month… A BFF charm! If we’re (mostly) kind and true to ourselves, we do find the real friendships someday.
    And until then, we have our mothers!
    Awesome post as always!

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 12, 2014 at 2:30 pm

      Thanks Jen! If your friend ever takes the charm back, let me know! ha! 🙂
      Yes, one day, they will find the true friendships. In the mean time, I will be tortured and stressed out!!

      Reply
      • Jen Groeber says

        March 13, 2014 at 6:32 am

        I love K.C. Wise’s comment below. Holding onto the fact that today’s hurt is tomorrow’s strength might just be the only way we can stand these times as a mother where we can’t fix the hurt. And I fear there are too many of those days in the future to count. Ack! It comforts me though to know that I’m not alone in this helpless love. Hang in there (insert image of kitten hanging in tree by claws.)

        Reply
  7. Jeanne Melanson says

    March 12, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    Aww, your daughter’s story breaks my heart too. I don’t have any little girls of my own, but I was one once, and I remember how difficult the whole friendship thing was. Still is, actually. I’ve always been a “one friend at a time” kind of gal … in other words, “a loner.” But I think I was okay with that and still am. We’re all difference, I guess. Our friendships match our personalities. Growing up is so hard. She’ll find her way though. You’re such a good mom. Thanks for that. Peace

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 12, 2014 at 2:57 pm

      Yes, I was fine having just one best friend for the most part. But, I think you have to be careful with which friend you choose. 🙂

      Reply
  8. Stephanie says

    March 12, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    Coming from the other side – my fiancé has never had a “best friend” and the affect that’s had on his feelings of self worth are very negative. He had lots of friends, but no one he could default to. Having a friend you know is by your side is as important as having your spouse by your side.

    The term “best friend” IMO has no negative connotations. I can’t imagine telling my daughter “if you like one person the best, don’t tell them and don’t make it public.” What sort of message does that send the friend? The one my fiancé always had “You’re okay and we’re friends, but I don’t like you THAT much”

    People will naturally gravitate to other people that they connect the most with. That’s not a negative trait. There’s nothing wrong with spending most of your time with the people you like best. That doesn’t hinder social skills. Having to spend time with people you aren’t best friends with will happen regardless of whether you have one bestie or five.

    I think your cause here is noble, but I think it’s misguided.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 12, 2014 at 3:05 pm

      My only “cause” is to write about my own life’s experience and the hopes I have for my daughter. Which is that she will have enough self-confidence to realize friends come and go, and sometimes the best friend thing isn’t always what it seems. I never said having a best friend was bad, and if you try re-reading, maybe you’ll see that my whole point was a best friend will come for her in time, but at 7 years old, that’s hardly a time to latch onto someone for life. Thanks for stopping by. I’m sorry your fiancé never had a best friend. That had to have been hard.

      Reply
  9. Kim says

    March 12, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    Wow. I only have two little boys, but I’ve only used the ‘best’ friend title when referring to their brother. They’ll have lots of friends, but siblings are just amazing. For all they put up with, they deserve that title.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 12, 2014 at 3:33 pm

      I agree! 🙂

      Reply
  10. Bianca @ Rant Rave Crave says

    March 12, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    Wow. I really think you handled this well. I have a little boy, but I imagine boys can be mean too. I agree that people should be kind to each other. You don’t have to be friends with everyone, but being polite to everyone definitely goes a long way. My husband for instance is one of those people that likes everyone so when he doesn’t like someone, that says a lot if you know what I mean. I also read the story about two girls murdering their friend. Ugh. Mean girls…heck, mean moms exist in this world unfortunately.

    Reply
  11. Kelly says

    March 12, 2014 at 8:55 pm

    My daughter was recently upset about the same thing. She felt like she had a lot of friends, but she was upset that she didn’t have a BEST friend. She felt like that was really important. I gave her the same advice you mentioned: it is much better to have a lot of friends than one best friend. I told her that I don’t even talk to the girls I thought were my best friends at her age, and that it took me a long time to find my real best friend….even then, I don’t have ONE best friend. I have a small group I feel closest to. And lots of other friends that make life fun. I think if we keep reiterating that fact and they see how we interact with many friends, eventually it sinks in. So much of parenting is repetition ad nauseum. I have to remind myself that I went through all of the same things and survived. Our girls will, too. 🙂

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 12, 2014 at 8:58 pm

      Yes. I did survive, that’s true. The thing that worries me a little more about this generation is the social media aspect of things…but that’s another whole topic, I guess.

      Reply
  12. K.C. Wise says

    March 13, 2014 at 5:35 am

    I think that the lineI loved the most was this one: “Whether you mean to or not. And, it’s OK to love a friend more than others, but we don’t need to broadcast that fact to all our other friends.” I think that it is a great line to draw for this age. She can have a chosen sister that she favors above all else, but she doesn’t need to let all of the other little girls on the playground know. I think it’s cool that girls choose that one person to share their secrets with—I met my “best friend” for my k-12 years in 2nd grade. But we drifted apart in high school and that was perfectly ok. I think that if I had a daughter and she was going through this struggle, I’d tell her something that my father told me right before I went to college: “The five people who you decide are your friends during your first week of college will not be the five people who you hang out with by the end of your freshman year. You might keep one if you are lucky, but don’t expect it. Actually, if you do keep those give people, I suspect that you did something wrong.” It was really, really true.

    Conversely to that, he told me something else that stays with me: “As an adult, I can count my true friends on one hand. The five people in the world you can call me and say ‘I need you’ and I would be on the next thing smokin’ no questions asked. And I know that they would do the same for me. I don’t need to have more than 5 people for that. That’s more than enough. If you can do that in your adult years, you’ve done alright.”

    I guess, if I had a daughter, I’d tell her that it’s going to change too many times to count. That today’s hurt is tomorrow’s strength, and that someone deserving of her “best friend” title and acclaim is on their way for her. She need only wait.

    You’re amazing, Meredith!

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 13, 2014 at 7:57 am

      This comment was amazing. Such great advice when I was at a loss for words. Thank you!!!

      Reply
  13. Michelle says

    March 13, 2014 at 5:55 am

    As you know, I don’t have girls, but I hear about this kind of thing so much from other friends of mine that do have girls. One of our friends’ daughter was having a sleep-over and her “best friend” tried to tell her who she could and could not invite or she wouldn’t be friends with them anymore!! The caddy, passive-aggressive, back-stabbing starts so early:( I’m sorry you’re having to contend with this, but like everyone else has said before me, you seem to be doing a really good job of it so far! Good Luck.

    Reply
  14. Kelly McKenzie says

    March 13, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    This is the worst part of being a girl. I’m not sure how old your daughter is however in my experience this kind of stuff starts happening in about grade 4. So awful. My daughter went through a similar situation and fortunately she told me about it as well. We had a similar chat. I remember losing lots of sleep over that one! Looking back on it – the best thing for my kids was to join lots and lots of different sports. They ended up meeting kids from all over. Fast forward to now and I am getting emails from them saying they “ran into so and so on campus etc.” My son just spent the weekend with his sister and caught up with another student who he played water polo with a few years back. Long story short – I’d encourage the concept of having lots of friends both in and outside of school.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 13, 2014 at 1:30 pm

      Yes! And, I’m afraid it starts even younger than 4th grade. I heard, so and so is not in my club in KINDERGARTEN. So hard. But, she has plenty of other friends, which I keep trying to remind her of. 🙂

      Reply
  15. Heather says

    March 14, 2014 at 12:38 am

    Urgh… what a tough situation! My babes are only two, so you just made me realize how much I haven’t even considered in my parenting perspectives. I too deeply remember being on the receiving end of “Mean Girls” and it does really shake a person’s confidence. I think you’re right on track though – helping her establish her identity, and encouraging her to experience diversity in her friendships. That’s an important skill for adulthood too! I very much pride myself in my ability to carry on a conversation with just about anyone, and enjoying lots of friendships means becoming an even more well rounded person. I agree though – how do these girls get so mean? It’s incredibly scary… Hang tight to the opportunity that she has to be the exception though, the one whose confidence that gives her the strength to not need to put anyone down to feel good about herself. They’re amazing little people aren’t they?

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 14, 2014 at 7:31 am

      Yes they are! Thanks for stopping by! 🙂

      Reply
  16. Nicola Young says

    March 14, 2014 at 6:01 am

    I won’t lie to you – this is a girl thing. They can be bitchy and clicky and it is down right annoying. But it is a part of growing up and you can’t protect your daughter from it. I hope I’m not speaking out of term, it’s just that I’ve been through it with my own daughter. She’s ten now and has had an on-off ‘relationship’ with her best friend for the last few years. We have helped her deal with each fallout and each time she has learned from it and it has made her a better person. In a way it is good for them to understand how it feels to be on the wrong side of a fallout because they will know and remember what it feels like and hopefully will not treat others in the same way.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 14, 2014 at 7:32 am

      It IS a girl thing. And, not the most fun sometimes, but we’ll get through it somehow! 🙂

      Reply
  17. Morgan says

    March 14, 2014 at 10:23 am

    I’m sorry your little girl had to go through that. It’s sad how mean kids can be. I was always the ‘strange’ little girl who no one wanted to be friends with, so once I got older and people started talking to me I made the mistake of latching on too tightly to one girl and after a big blow up I was left friendless again.

    As for the necklaces, my cousin is in the first grade had a similar situation where her two “best friends” were trying to make her choose which ones necklace she’d wear because they said she couldn’t make both. My aunt handled it beautifully and spent an evening with her beading friendship bracelets for Addie to hand out to every single kid in her class so that no one felt left out.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 14, 2014 at 10:25 am

      Thanks for your sweet comment. It is so delicate. Sorry you were left out, but I’m sure it made you stronger in the end? I hope? That’s what I hope happens for my daughter. I just want her to have a ton of self-confidence more than anything, because I never had that as a child.

      Reply
  18. Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. says

    March 14, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    Meredith, I love this and I’m going to share it on our HerStories FB page. I totally get what you’re talking about. Our kids are the same age I think, and mine is ultra-sensitive as well. The BFF drama has shocked me over the past few years. The points you make here are right on. I don’t know what the answer is,either. 🙁

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 14, 2014 at 1:19 pm

      Thanks so much for sharing it Stephanie. The comments are worth reading. I got a few things to think about from those. 🙂 It’s so hard! And, yes, our girls are the same age I think too.

      Reply
  19. Lisa @ The Golden Spoons says

    March 14, 2014 at 6:24 pm

    This is so tough. I have three daughters. My oldest (11) is bit of a loner and I worry that she doesn’t have any “best friends.” My middle one is a fly-byt-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of gal who plays with anyone anytime. She’s friends wight eh boys, the girls – everybody. My youngest sounds more like your daughter. She is 6 and has come home crying occasionally because someone said they weren’t her friend anymore. (Although, today she came home and excitedly told me she now has a BOYFRIEND!!). I think kids will develop more stable friendships as they get older and we just have to help them navigate the waters as they learn about relationships.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 14, 2014 at 7:12 pm

      A boyfriend! So funny. You’re right. Helping them navigate is what it’s all about. But it’s so hard.

      Reply
  20. Allie says

    March 15, 2014 at 7:11 am

    I too get nervous about the term “best friend” when it comes to my daughter, who’s in the third grade. It seems to me that the term is given very easily and taken away just as easily. They are too young to get it, and I want her to have LOTS of friends. Yes, there are mean girls everywhere and I am so scared f them. I blame the Disney channel:), except for Good Luck Charlie, there’s a sassy mean girl in every show, who is supposed to be funny. I don’t know, just a theory.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      March 15, 2014 at 8:48 am

      Well, my daughter isn’t watching those shows yet. Thank goodness. I guess there were mean girls when I was growing up too. We just have to figure out how to help them through it without freaking out! 🙂

      Reply
  21. Leah Sannar says

    April 2, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    This just makes me so nervous for my son to start school. Of course, right now he’s only 2 – and at this point, I worry a lot more about him being a bully, than getting bullied. But either way, school is a scary place! I wish I could just keep him here with me all the time and make sure he’s safe (or that he’s being nice, as the case may be). This was a great post and a good reminder of how important it is to teach our kids the skills they need in order to be successful and deal with issues that may arise.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      April 2, 2014 at 5:05 pm

      Yep! It is SO hard to let them experience their own social interactions, but I guess it’s part of learning and growing up!

      Reply
  22. Tarana says

    September 30, 2014 at 7:53 am

    That must have been so hard for her. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this as my son gets older, he’s a sensitive one too.

    Reply
  23. Jill says

    September 30, 2014 at 10:30 am

    This brings back flashbacks of when my daughter was in kindergarten (she’s 22 now.) There was a mean girl on the playground who dictated who everyone’s best friend would be and who would play with who. Ugh. I’ve always thought the term “best friend” is exclusionary. Now that I have young sons (2 four year olds) I am curious to see how little boys will handle the issue of best friends.

    Your daughter sounds amazing. I hate reading about kids who get their feelings hurt. I know that’s part of life, but I hate it when someone is stung because someone else chose to be mean.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      September 30, 2014 at 10:32 am

      She is amazing. But, of course I’m biased. 😉 Girls can be mean, but they can be mean as adults too. It’s a good growing experience.

      Reply
  24. Sarah @Thank You Honey says

    September 30, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    Poor thing. It is so hard and kids can be so mean! ((Hug))!

    Reply
  25. The Imp says

    January 9, 2015 at 8:34 am

    Hmmm. Honestly, it’s not something I’ve had to deal with much, due to homeschooling. The kids wax and wane through friends, best friends, friends, but it’s not a daily occurance, so it hasn’t hit the radar in the same way.

    Very thought provoking, thank you!

    Reply
  26. Christine Organ says

    January 9, 2015 at 8:43 am

    So tricky! I can completely understand your feelings. And having been the girl who felt left out or “abandoned” by a BFF growing up, it is hard. I have two boys and the older one has a million “best” friends. They don’t necessarily change, he just keeps adding to the list, which I like – I think? Just add this to the list of parenting questions for which there are no easy answers, I suppose.

    Reply
  27. alr says

    August 24, 2016 at 8:06 pm

    Thank you so much for writing this beautiful post about our girls and their friends. My daughter is going through this thing with wanting to buy friendship necklaces for people she’s not really that good of friends with – she recently lost her very best friend due to some issues with the girl’s parents and it’s been very hard on her. I want to help guide her through this. I thought I was, and I thought she was doing ok (she’s 8) and then boom, she’s got this obsession with friendship necklaces. I refuse to let her buy them. Unfortunately, she asked my mother to buy her one and my mom did without discussing it with me first. This is something that’s really weighing on me.

    I think certain children’s literature harms our girls’ ideas of friendships as well … The Rainbow Magic books, and Ivy and Bean, for example. Exclusive best friends. Plus, some of the shows on Disney (which I love, they’re adorable and funny) such as Girl Meets World and Best Friends Whenever. Most people do not have friendships like that with others, and certainly not at such a young age.

    Thanks again for writing this post!!!

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      August 24, 2016 at 9:06 pm

      Thanks so much for reading! The friendship necklaces are a tough thing. My daughter is now 10, and it’s funny, she has several necklaces now from different friends. She doesn’t seem to care that much about them (wears them for a couple of days and then that’s it) I wonder if she still remembers that I told her not to wear them to school? I appreciate the positive comment though. Some people did not like my opinion on this one. 🙂

      Reply
  28. Stella says

    June 30, 2017 at 10:53 am

    Hi Meredith! 🙂 I’m Stella, I’m a caregiver to a 16 year old girl named Rita.
    Rita is a very special and brave girl, she has Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, Diabetes, Mild Dysphagia, Mild Depression, Hearing Loss, and Vision Loss. She absolutely adores and loves the movie Lorenzo’s Oil (that movie from the 90’s with Nick Nolte and Susan Sarandon that you watched in high school! I shown it to her because of the brave and absolutely adorable little boy)
    She carries Lorenzo Odone’s picture around everywhere, he does everything with her: whether it be riding in the car, going to the doctor, going to eat, watching TV, or playing outside. Lorenzo is always with her.
    She’s never had a real best friend so she’s not as familiar with the term but due to living in a Neurotypical family and going to a Neurotypical school (we live in a small town. The school did have a Special ed. program), she’s heard the term. So sometimes, I hear her say “Lorenzo is my best friend.” When asked why, she says “He loves me and always with me.” I decided to use this as a teaching time for her, we made a list of all the things she does with Lorenzo, we talked about what makes a best friend and why it is okay to have another friend, we talked about how friends are there for each other.
    Indeed, Lorenzo will always be there. I just hope we can make the picture last. She’s carried it around so much, we placed it in page protectors to keep from rips. She also carries the DVD of Lorenzo’s Oil and asks to watch it a lot. (It’s a great movie so we sometimes give in. She’s memorized most of it)
    Rita has never met the real Lorenzo Odone but I can tell she truly loves him. Lorenzo’s Oil will be a special part of her life forever.

    Take care,
    Stella and Rita (and Lorenzo!)

    Reply
  29. Abs says

    September 15, 2018 at 11:49 am

    I have a daughter who is currently 30yrs old and she moved to another province due to work related matters for greener pastures. She has a friend who is 7yrs younger than her.Her friend followed her to where she stays and they are staying together. My concern is that her friend graduated last year and when she moved to her ,my daughter told me that she got a job at the same province, only discovered that she is not working ,she is staying there without any support. Her friend was offered for a job to another province but she declined the offer with no reason. My daughter is the one who provide everything for her and also buy clothes sometimes for her.The other concern is that her friend becomes very cross and always has negative attitude whenever there ‘s other friends visiting my daughter.She sometimes being cross to me as a mother if I visit my daughter.
    My concern is , I never heard my daughter dating anyoneand I do understand that she respets me very much as my upbringing is a very strict and prayer warriors environment howeer, I’m expecting for her at least to start dating for preparing for a future husband as my wish. As a parent I can see that her progress is deteriorating instead of progressing financially.
    Kindly please advise.

    Reply
  30. Eric Martin says

    September 20, 2020 at 9:33 pm

    I’m a dad if a six year old girl who this just happened to. I could feel her pain and it hurt me deeply to see her go though it. I will talk to her about some of the things you said. Thank you so much.

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

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Meredith Ethington

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

Read the rest in my substack ❤️
New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression
"I don't care" as I literally care about every sin "I don't care" as I literally care about every single thing.
I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

Yes, even for you Karen. ➡️➡️ to keep reading.
Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mea Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mean someone loves you that much to communicate them! Love this wisdom from @wittyidiot
NEW POST ----> "This is not a post about loss of a NEW POST ----> "This is not a post about loss of a loved one. Or loss of a child. Those things are real, and they’re heart wrenching. And, this post is certainly not to compare that loss with the one I’m going to talk about.

But, the loss of yourself in motherhood is real. And It’s not talked about enough." 

Do you feel like you lost yourself in motherhood? How? I really want to know. 

Psss - I am in grad school to become a therapist, and am not ashamed to ask that you subscribe to my paid substack. I just lowered the cost to $36/year! That's like $4/month and you'll have access to all my previous posts, and some new weekly short posts to give you ideas to help with balancing motherhood and your own mental health. I'm learning a lot in school, and will only continue to do so, so subscribe and we'll support each other. ❤️
This memory made me laugh this morning. 🤣 This memory made me laugh this morning. 🤣
Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon
I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and a dress with spaghetti straps and a Tshirt under it while you’re telling me I’m doing it wrong? 🤣 Life is wild. Teenagers are fun.
Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s th Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s the moral of the story friends? If you think your household is always sick - it’s because they probably are. Kids make everything more germ-y
Here’s what I do know 👇 No one knows what th Here’s what I do know 👇

No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
Our kids love us anyway. 
We’re all going to be OK. 
You’ve got this (as much as any of us do) 😘

#momspiration #momlife #funnymoms #memtalhealth #parentinglife #parentingquotes
"By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to "By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to avoid being human." 

Do you struggle with perfectionism? Parenthood has helped me quite a bit, but It's something I've battled my whole life. I still struggle occasionally, although it's gotten better. But, let's stop trying to avoid being human and instead embrace ourselves an in turn embrace the entire human race. ❤️ I'd love to hear how you embrace being imperfect. 

#perfecționism #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #anxiety #imperfect #perfectpending #themotherload #thementalload
Mood. Mood.
Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
It’s true! Researchers have found that as long a It’s true! Researchers have found that as long as you’re doing the repair after mistakes the other times - then 30% is enough! Sometimes I worry I’m not doing it right but I definitely know I’m doing it right 30% of the time! 
Probably a whole lot more to be honest. I bet you are too. #momlife #encouragement #momspiration
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