If I Only Had Today

A while back I wrote a post about letting go of the mother guilt. I am pretty good about not feeling guilty about some things. But, I’m not perfect at having no guilt. Remember, this blog is called Perfection Pending. I am a work in progress, so I probably never will be perfect at feeling no guilt. The guilt that is associated with being a mother seems inherent, and like something that is impossible to get rid of completely.

Lately though, I’ve been thinking about guilt and how it can affect change. Sometimes, we feel so guilty about something, that we vow to be better. Maybe we eat a dozen sugar cookies in our closet so we don’t have to share, and vow to start a diet the next day. Sometimes, we do. Maybe we yell at our kids and feel so much guilt from the look on their tiny little faces that we vow we will NEVER yell again. We make promises to ourselves because we feel guilty.

But, time and time again, we make the same mistake. It’s hard not to feel guilt when you keep messing up!! But, guilt does not come from a good place. Yes, it can affect change, but I think long lasting change only comes from when we have sincere desires to be different.

I’ve felt for a few months now, a little tugging at my heart. It’s the best way to describe it without using that ugly word guilt. Because, the more I think about it, the less I see it as guilt. But, instead, I see it as a “whispering of the Spirit” as we say in Mormon terms. Or in other words, God trying to tell me that there is a better way. A different way.

There is a difference between feeling guilty and feeling like you need to make a change. When we feel guilt it might cause a knee jerk reaction to want to be different. Maybe we feel sad, upset, and lost too. But when we feel something deep within us telling us to change, I feel like we are more able to make long-term changes that last. And, there is hope associated with that, not sadness.

I have been getting this nagging feeling that I am not being the kind of Mom I always dreamed of being. My blog has consumed my thoughts, time and energy the past year. It has left me feeling distracted, and anxious to get the kids situated so I could do what I was dying to do everyday. Create. Write. Share. Blogging is a good thing for me. I love it. It helps me. And I don’t think I’ll ever give it up. But, my goal with this blog a year ago is shaping up to be quite different than what it is now. And, I have the faces of my sweet precious kids to thank for that. Every day, they remind me of what is truly important.

The ancient prophet Jeremiah was in his house one day and heard the word of the Lord saying:

“Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will cause thee to hear my words.

“Then I went down to the potter’s house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels.

“And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.

“Then the word of the Lord came again to me, saying,

“O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? … Behold, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel.” (Jer. 18:2–6.)

The Lord explained to Jeremiah that when we make mistakes, as ancient Israel was making, we can take what we have marred and begin again. The potter did not give up and throw the clay away, just because he had made a mistake. And we are not to feel hopeless and reject ourselves. Yes, our task is to overcome our problems, take what we have and are, and start again.

I love that thought! It comes from an old talk by one of our church leaders. I believe that we can be susceptible to listening to what God truly wants for our path, and we can be molded as He would have us be. Even despite our imperfections. God doesn’t throw us away when we mess up. So, we shouldn’t give up on ourselves either.

I’ve realized in the past few months, that although my blog is good for me, it is not the best, most important thing to put all my energy into right now. Sure, it brings me happiness, but the goal of trying to grow it isn’t doing that. Instead, it was bringing me frustration, and sucking my time away from the most important job. Being a Mom. Through that quiet nagging, I’ve realized it wasn’t guilt trying to tell me this, it was Someone far more wise.

I won’t give up writing, because I do believe that every Mom should have something to take care of herself. It is essential to do something for yourself. If you aren’t doing that…change it. But, for someone like me, I have to be careful. I tend to want to dive into something 110% when I love it and it becomes an obsession. It’s hard to find that balance of being me, but being the mom I want to be too. I have no answers, except to listen to the quiet voice I’m hearing in my heart, and follow it with faith.

So, I’ve thought a lot about what to do about this blog. And, I’ve realized I just need to slow down. Breathe. And, not worry about it anymore. It can be left in God’s hands at this point. (Too bad He doesn’t have a Pinterest account to share my posts…right?) I know that I will continue to write when I can to bring myself joy, but I won’t fill my days with the pressure to write, think of good content, and spend hours promoting my posts. Because, I realized, that right now? I hate the self-promotion. It is taking too much time away from those I love most.

I just finally realized that I don’t want the image my kids think of when they hear the word “mom” to be the back of my head while I’m distracted and staring at the computer screen.

I want them to feel like they are heard.

I want them to feel like I do fun things with them.

I want them to feel like they are loved most of all.

I’m a good mom that already does a lot, but I also know I can do more. But, the good thing is, experience helps us grow and be molded by the One that does have the big picture in front of Him all. the. time. I get glimpses of that big picture, but if I really want to be who HE wants me to be, I have to trust in Him more.

No, this is not a good-bye post in case you’re wondering. It’s just a post declaring that I’m slowing down, and I’m not bitter about it. I’ve realized that the goal of growing this blog in the way that I want to, is something that takes more time than I want to invest at this stage in my life. It takes sacrifice and I don’t want the sacrifice to be time spent with my kids. REAL TIME. Because my kids are only little for this one brief moment (although this brief moment sometimes feels like an eternity) and I want that moment to mean something.

It reminds me of a song by Hillary Weeks that I love. The first time I heard it was when she sang it live. And, I wanted to sob like a baby. I didn’t because I was in the presence of lots of people and that would have just been awkward. That was a few years ago, and at that time, I was going through a different issue. But, today as I read the words, it means pretty much the same thing to me. This life is a gift, and so are my children. And whether I live to be 100 or not, it is still a brief moment. Am I taking advantage of that in some way every single day?

If I Only Had Today

It seems like I’ve watched a million sunsets
And stared at a thousand full moons.
Sometimes it feels like I’ve been here forever
And sometimes it all feels brand new.

I could never count the heartbeats
From the day I was born until now.
But not a single one goes unnoticed
By Him who breathes life in me somehow.

But if there were no more tomorrows
If I knew that I could not stay.
I know how I’d spend every moment
If only I had today.

I’d hold you and listen
And I’d let the dishes sit in the sink.
I’d tell you I loved you over and over
And for once I’d just let the phone ring.
The I’d remind you of forever
And how our love would never change.
If I only had today.

I’d wake up before the sun did
And I’d watch as you quietly sleep.
I’d pray for time to move slowly
Knowing the moment won’t keep.

All the gifts that Heaven has given
Every blessing that’s come my way.
Wouldn’t mean anything without you
So if I only had today.

I’d hold you and listen
I’d memorize every detail of your face.
I’d tell you I loved you over and over
I wouldn’t let excuses get in the way.
Then I’d remind you of forever
And how our love would never change.
If I only had today.

There’s no time like the present.
Life doesn’t come with any guarantees.
The sun will set and time won’t wait
So while I have today:

I’ll hold you and listen
And I’d let the dishes sit in the sink.
I’ll tell you I loved you over and over
And for once I’ll just let the phone ring.
The I’ll remind you of forever
And how our love would never change.
If I only had today.

photo credit: Micah Taylor via photopin cc

I hear that song and I want to stop everything and hug my babies. Yesterday, as I was fixing them lunch, I poured myself a diet coke. The three of them were mesmerized. They were transfixed on the tiny bubbles that domed over the top of the cup and didn’t spill over. They yelled, “more! more!” as I was pouring it. It was funny to me. Then my two year old watched me pour in the last few drops of the can and he yelled, “YAY!!!!” like I had just made it to the top of Mt. Everest. It made me want to gobble him up. And, all three of them reminded me that joy and happiness can be found in the little things. Even the pouring of a diet coke.

And, the truth is, that is what God is molding me to do right now. Slow down. Breathe in their cuteness. Hug them more. Find joy in the little things. Look them in the eyes and try to memorize the precious things they do every day. And, sacrifice the right things. Because growing a blog can wait a few more years. Or forever if necessary.

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