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By Meredith Ethington

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Inspiration Motherhood Parenting Perfection

5 Signs You Might Be Trying to Be a Perfect Parent

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You might be trying to be a perfect parent if….

You have repeated yourself 500 times and your kid is still not listening. You get frustrated and yell, ” Hello!?? Is anyone there!”

You set your alarm. Turn it off, then rush your kids through the morning routine yelling at them to “hurry up!” over and over in the hope that you won’t be late. Although it is inevitable.

Your kids only obey if you count, “1….2….3” before they leap into action.

You change your parenting tactics on an hourly basis. Please let SOMETHING work is echoing in your head.

Your favorite part of the day is putting your kids to bed. At least then the madness will end. Right?

Yep. I’m guilty. I’ve realized this about myself. I mean, don’t get me wrong, some days, I have it majorly together. I am patient. I don’t raise my voice. I go to bed and pat myself on the back, and think, “Maybe I am figuring this out.”

But, doesn’t it always happen that the next day turns into the day from hell and reality slaps you in the face. It is like just then, someone is telling you, “Not too fast. Don’t think you have it all together just yet”. You lose your temper. Lose your patience. Maybe you yell. Or don’t listen well. Maybe you don’t handle a situation with grace. Instead, you lose your cool. Then, you feel like crap. Sound familiar? I know that it does to me.

But, the truth is, we’re all figuring out this parenting thing as we go. There will never be a perfect parent.

And, sometimes we are trying so hard to be perfect, that we get desperate. Desperate parenting never feels good. But, when you’re trying to be a perfect parent, you end up just feeling desperate instead.

Here are 5 signs you might be trying to be the perfect parent:

You never want to have bumps in the road. If a child has an accident, it throws a wrench in things. You have clean up, and baths. Maybe it involves a change of clothes, or leaving a fun event. Yet, it’s not the end of the world. If you can’t handle little changes like a kid getting sick, or a child spilling something on the floor, then there’s a good chance you’re reaching for the unattainable.

You actually feel a need to have things perfect. Children are not perfect. I know this. I am not stupid. Yet, my expectations for them sometimes must make them feel like they have to be. Like, how they freak out when something small is amiss. I used to feel like my need for perfectionism was rubbing off on them. But, is the world going to end if they wear their pajamas out in public? No. But, yelling at them 20 times to “hurry up!” when you are the one that slept in, can hurt their little spirit. Life is never perfect.

You feel a need to get it right. When we all start out as parents, we just want to do everything just right. But, we won’t. And, we want our kids to turn into good, responsible, caring human beings. So, we focus on doing everything just right. But, is it the end of the world if we mess up. Say I’m sorry, admit we don’t know everything, or admit we aren’t perfect to our children? Nope. Instead, it shows them that we are learning right along beside them.

You want to control the outcome of everything. Add together 1, 2, and 3, and basically, it boils down to this one. Parents get desperate because they want to control their surroundings. Yet, when you are a parent, let’s admit it, life is out of control. (Sorry to all control freaks that might be trying to decide whether or not to have children) It’s true. You think you have a plan, and little people will always change it. Whether it be a bodily function that throws things off, or their sheer will. Truth be told, the world won’t end if sometimes we feel out of control.

You have strong feelings of being overwhelmed and feeling inadequate. This feeling of inadequacy, coupled with feeling overwhelmed can foster a feeling of desperation. I’ve realized this about myself. Yet, we are all a little inadequate. And, having three kids would make anyone feel overwhelmed (at least that’s what I tell myself). If you’re feeling this feeling constantly, then there’s a very good chance that you’re aiming for perfection in some aspect of your parenting.

The truth is, I wrote these down a few years ago, and after revisiting them recently, I realized I’ve stopped aiming for perfection. Thank goodness, because that was exhausting! So, it’s possible to let go of this bad parenting habit. I’m aiming more for survival most days now. But, it has brought great growth in myself as a parent and I’m proud that I’ve let go of a lot of things in the past 10 years.

So what should you do if you’re feeling like a desperate parent trying to be perfect? (I’ve been there, friend. I know what that feels like) Try asking yourself these questions and see if you can readjust your focus:

  • What are the consequences if I let _________ happen?
  • Is that consequence that big of a deal in the big scheme of things?
  • Is the situation hopeless? If not then what?
  • What would the NON-desperate parent do?
  • Am I trying to control something I can’t control?
  • What happened LAST time I was in this situation? Did we get through it?

There is no need to be desperate in our parenting. The definition of desperate is:

“Feeling, showing, or involving a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad as to be impossible to deal with.”

That definition kind of makes me laugh. Because when you put that word together with parenting, it seems ludicrous and truthful at the same time. How many of us have felt hopeless that our parenting tactic is not working? Or that our children are impossible!? Yet, deep down, I don’t believe parenting is a desperate situation. There is always hope.

It may feel impossible some days. Our children surely act impossible some days. But, parenting is NOT impossible. Millions of people do it every single day. Right? So, maybe some do it a little more gracefully than others. But, it’s possible. To raise, good, honest human beings.

But, the beauty of parenting is that there is always another day to get it right. So, there is always hope. And there is NO need to be perfect at any of it.


3 Comments

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Comments

  1. Jenny @ Unremarkable Files says

    January 4, 2017 at 7:42 am

    I like your insights here. It’s hard to remember that being late to the appointment is NOT the end of the world, even if we get there so late that they can’t see us and we have to reschedule, or whatever. Most things that we flip out about will not even matter a few days or weeks from now.

    Reply
  2. Rose Barnett (@mRoseBarnett) says

    February 21, 2017 at 8:01 am

    Oh my goodness this is a great post. You put so much into it! I will be tweeting this. Thank you bc this is me and I struggle with not being perfect and that question of what are the consequences if I don’t do anything…. haha, well that’s a mix of your questions but I ask myself and then try to clearly see the truth of it all. It’s interesting, I am working on a perfectionist post too lol.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      February 21, 2017 at 12:56 pm

      Thanks Rose! I’m glad you enjoyed it!

      Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Meredith Ethington
Definitely true for me. ❤️ Definitely true for me. ❤️
"I don’t believe a growth mindset is bad all the "I don’t believe a growth mindset is bad all the time, or even most of the time for that matter. I think you can have a growth mindset and not gaslight yourself into always looking on the bright side and saying everything terrible that happens in life is an opportunity for growth.

There has to be a middle ground."

Read my latest. Link in profile.
I agree. 😂 @chasemit I agree. 😂 @chasemit
"I wonder sometimes if I'm two different mothers t "I wonder sometimes if I'm two different mothers to them like I am to myself. 
If I'm being honest - sometimes I feel like I'm 15 different mothers.

I'm patient, loving, and kind. I'm creative and dull.

I'm happy and dancing in the kitchen one minute, and begging for a nap and to be left alone the next minute. 

Sometimes, I wonder if they'll remember the tears I had for no reason at all. Sitting on the couch feeling empty and sad. They come and give me hugs unsolicited as I cry. I am depressed and overwhelmed. I wonder if they will remember that version of me?"

I hope you'll read my latest. ❤️
Here's what I know - I want my kids to learn this Here's what I know - I want my kids to learn this lesson too. 
Life is hard and we often make so many big decisions based on EMOTIONS. Instead we need to get curious about the why behind that emotion. Are we scared, sad, anxious, angry? Whatever it is - feeling and emotions are not "bad" or "good." In fact we control very little about them! 
So if we can learn to SLOW down when we feel them and get curious that's the first step to figuring out the why behind them. Then we move forward and act  AFTER we've felt. 
It's a lesson I'm still learning and hope my kids will learn a lot faster then me. 

If you like convos like these join me over on substack. 🙏

#emotionalintelligence #mentalhealthawareness #momlife #feelings #parentinglikewhoa
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Yessss. So important. @banhass Yessss. So important. @banhass
Let's talk friendship 👇👇👇 "In 2018, Busin Let's talk friendship 👇👇👇
"In 2018, Business Insider published an article reporting that one study concluded that it took roughly 200 hours to make a close friend. Ouch.

And before you can consider someone even a casual friend? At least a 50 hour investment. YIKES.

Is it any wonder that making mom friends is so hard? Moms are busy. We’re exhausted. We’re overwhelmed. We have chores and jobs and responsibilities. Investing 200 hours into someone is, well, a lot.

Honestly at the end of a long day with kids, the last thing I want to do is invest time talking. I’ve talked all day. I just want silence.

But, it sounds like the return on our investment could come through in a big way (hello living longer and having a bitch buddy!) Those rewards are big if we can make the time and put in the effort.

Because close relationships have bigger rewards than casual ones."

Learn all about why making friends is important, why we all want them, and how it can actually lower our cortisol. Check out my latest on S U B S T A C K. :)
Here are three things everyone needs to know about Here are three things everyone needs to know about kindness that are important to your mental health. 

1. Kindness does not mean you don't have boundaries. So often we do things for the sake of being kind even when we don't want to. Kindness does not equal saying yes all the time. Learning to say no is like a muscle you need to exercise to get better at it. Saying no doesn't automatically mean you are unkind. 

2. Kindness doesn't look like self betrayal. Ever. If you do something that you don't want to do because you're afraid of exercising that saying no muscle - you'll end up struggling with your own mental health. Listen to your gut and trust when kindness feels meaningful to you and when it feels like an obligation. 

3. Kindness to yourself is just as important as any external kindness you are showing to the world. In fact - I would argue that it's the most important way to have balance and good mental health. 

"Be kind" is a mantra these days and it's a good one. But know what kindness is. It's when you're moved to do something for someone else but that doesn't mean you abandon yourself in the process. 

If anything - true kindness to others should help you feel more connected to yourself ❤️ 

#kindness #bekindtoyourself #mentalhealth #selfcare
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I wrote the book! It’s on sale right now too. 😎
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Ooof. This hit hard. Ooof. This hit hard.
"We are parenting in an age full of information th "We are parenting in an age full of information thrown at us on how to be the best parent.
We’re constantly told to do more with our kids. Educate faster and earlier. Get them in sports by three or they won’t make the team when they get to high school.

How could we possibly accomplish all that and NOT helicopter? Do preschoolers know how to research the best preschools and sign up for T-ball on their own all while making a free range chicken dinner (that you don’t heat up in a plastic container, btw)?

And, what about the worries we have of keeping them safe from school shootings, pornography, social media, and too much screen time?

I’m told not to take my child his homework when he forgets it, but I’m also told to make sure he has enough AP classes and good grades to get into a good college. 

I’m told not to let them roam freely outside because the world is a scary place and for sure someone could kidnap them, but I’m also told that kids today need more fresh air.

So, when exactly am I supposed to get housework done and my job done, too if I have to sit outside watching my kids ride their bikes up and down the sidewalk?

The demands on mothers today are confusing to say the least. We get mixed messages constantly.

The truth is — I’m stressed out.

I don’t want to be a helicopter parent, but I also don’t know how NOT to be and get everything done that parents today are expected to do." 

Read my latest on substack (link always in my profile)
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Being proud of calm days because you know you’re calming your kids’ nervous systems by being calm yourself. 
Hang in there mamas. We’re doing it. 
#cyclebreakers #calm #peacefulparenting #momlife #mentalhealth
Yesssss. Yesssss.
I’m allll about this power move at this stage of I’m allll about this power move at this stage of my life. People are having their own experience independent of me and are going to have their own assumptions, feelings, and actions about me. That’s just life. My advice? Just keep doing your thing and the people that know the real you and get to be in your safe space are the lucky ones. 
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"My pattern of self-betrayal has most often looked "My pattern of self-betrayal has most often looked like ignoring my intuition or quieting my own voice.
For you, it might look like “being nice” even when you’re being walked all over. Even when you’re mad at yourself afterward. For someone else, it might look like conforming. This happens in situations like the time one of my kids participated in something she told me ahead of time she didn’t want to do and then she fell apart afterward.

What self-betrayal looks like can be different for everyone.

Sometimes it’s a conscious thing we do and other times it might be a subtle habit we do to keep others around us happier than we are ourselves because of a trauma response.

It could look like being the people pleaser, or the peacemaker because that’s the role we had to play in a volatile household growing up.

The cost of self-betrayal is high though.
The cost of self-betrayal is that we no longer belong to ourselves. And if we first don’t belong to ourselves, we certainly can’t truly belong anywhere else."

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. What self-betrayal means. I hope you'll read it. New post in my substack.
Snow was falling this morning on my walk and it ca Snow was falling this morning on my walk and it calmed my heart. B R E A T H E mamas.
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These things are not selfish. 
They are how you return home to yourself.
Swipe right to see what I’ve been working on and how you can start belonging to yourself again. 
Which one resonates? Which one do you struggle with?
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