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By Meredith Ethington

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Motherhood Parenting Perfection

Becoming the “Good Enough” Mother

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I’ve always been what I considered a decent mother. Not a great one, and certainly not perfect. But, it’s only recently I’ve realized that I’m finally stepping into my own of becoming the “good enough” mother. 

I think it stems from my angst early on trying to balance the need to control everything, with perfectionism, and living up to impossible standards I had set for myself. 

I was going to do it all and be it all as a stay at home mom. 

Little did I know that motherhood would catapult me into a journey of letting go and also self discovery. 

I realized early on that solely changing diapers and breastfeeding around the clock led me into postpartum depression. I discovered the my anxiety as a young mom was crippling.

I discovered that I had OCD and frankly, I realized there was a lot about being a mother that I just didn’t like. 

It’s not popular to voice out loud that you don’t like being a mother. 

Granted, there are some days when I do love it, in fact. But I was surprised to find out that being a mother wasn’t the only thing I needed to feel like a complete human. 

Motherhood didn’t fulfill me like I thought it would. 

I was programmed to believe early on that motherhood was the pinnacle achievement I would reach in my life. 

Sure, I had other passions. I wanted to become a therapist, possibly a criminal psychologist. Graduate school was in my road map, and I certainly wasn’t sitting around waiting to find a husband.

But, when he came along, suddenly my goals shifted and I thought marriage, and four years later – motherhood, was the key to my happiness. 

Motherhood does bring me a lot of joy. 

There is no denying the fact that I have loved being a mom some days.

But, there’s also no denying the fact that there are aspects of motherhood that just didn’t suit me. 

It turns out I don’t like playing make believe that much with toddlers, and I loathe meal time in my house.

While other mothers seemingly find so much joy in making cute bento lunches, I trained mine early to fix their own food because it was a responsibility I was tired of having. 

Some moms even love getting on the floor and playing with their kids. 

I’m not one of those moms.

Some moms love the chaos of a house full of children, and the messiness of toys on the floor. I find zero comfort in chaos and messes. I find peace in quiet moments alone. 

The picture we usually have of the perfect mother isn’t one who desperately wants to be left alone. 

I realized early on it led to boredom and depression to be stuck in the house all day with little ones, and I craved an outlet. Luckily I found what I needed through writing and later starting a career out of my home.

But, there were many days where I wondered what was wrong with me.

Why wasn’t I a great mother? I swore before kids that I was going be the model mother. And yet, there were many days (and still are) that I look at motherhood as a chore, despite loving my children fiercely like all mothers do. 

It isn’t until recently that I realized that it was ok to be a “good enough” mother. 

What if we were radically proud of the fact that motherhood isn’t a passion for some women who choose to embark into it? That doesn’t mean they don’t love their kids, or care for them. It just means that it’s not the only thing that drives their passions and desires. 

It’s not the pinnacle of success in womanhood. 

What if we made it OK as a society to be a “good enough” mother instead of an exemplary one?

What if mothers didn’t have to live up to impossible standards of perfectly groomed children in trendy clothes with cute instagram captions as the norm? 

What if we didn’t compare ourselves to what another mom over on Pinterest did for her child’s birthday? 

What if we made it acceptable love our kids, take care of them, and call that “good enough” without all the extras that some people think defines a great mother – or even a perfect one? 

What if we made it acceptable to ourselves? 

I’ve learned that being a “good enough” mother brings me more peace than striving to be a perfect mother ever did. 

If I can let go of some of these crazy expectations I had for myself or the picture perfect image I had of the perfect mother, I have learned that I’m actually a better mom, maybe even a great one.

If I can be alone, I actually like my kids more.

If I can have an outlet that has nothing to do with mothering, I can look forward to my time with my kids more. 

If I can realize that being a “good enough” mother is exactly that – good enough. It’s not perfect. It’s not horrible. It’s just right. 

And, the truth is – that gives me peace. 

I can get caught up on the notion that being “good enough” is just mediocre and I can do better, but the truth is – maybe I’m not meant to be the best mother in the world. 

But, the truth is – being a “good enough” mother is just right for me. It’s a lie or a story I tell myself when I tell myself I can do better or I should do something more than I’m doing. 

Because my kids are well loved. They are well fed, and groomed, and entertained. They have friends and are given plenty of resources to succeed in life. They know I love them. They know they can come to me when they have hardships. 

And, what if we said radically – I’m a “good enough” mother. And that’s actually perfect for me. 


3 Comments

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Comments

  1. Angela says

    November 25, 2020 at 5:18 am

    I feel like I was exactly like this and still am. I just don’t consider myself a good enough mother. Toddler stage is not the only stage. Maybe we are perfect mothers, maybe this is how real perfect mothers are… Maybe we are just a better fit for the middle school years, or to be their friends. Toddlerhood is like playing dolls… its ok if is not our best time as moms, but motherhood last a lot of years. And what defined us is not the best meals o birthday parties on IG, but how they feel about us, how we love them and defend them, and make them strong for years ahead of them. Is how we make them feel happy, and secure, and loved.

    Reply
  2. Chay says

    November 25, 2020 at 7:14 am

    You speak my heart, always felt guilty about this but now know im not alone and its ok to be good enough and imperfectly perfect. Thank you thank you!

    Reply
  3. DEBOE7102 says

    January 1, 2021 at 10:48 am

    Thank you!!1

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

Perfection Pending on Instagram

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Meredith Ethington
Hello friends, it’s me. Meredith. Here are a f Hello friends, it’s me. Meredith. 

Here are a few things I’d tell you if I could call you all up: 

❤️ It’s ok to say no to things.

❤️ Your kiddos don’t need perfection - they need real. Emotional, Messy, flawed, etc. It helps them know their emotions are valid. 

❤️ Having anxiety or depression does not mean you’re an inadequate parent. 

❤️ Never be ashamed of asking for help or going on medication if necessary. 

❤️Kids can be draining. Take time for yourself. I promise you’ll be able to be a better, more present parent if you do this. 

❤️ Boundaries are your friend. People that make you feel like you’re not enough are not. 

Hang in there. It doesn’t get easier - like at all. But you get stronger.
I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process feelings of never measuring up and feeling lIke someone else would do it better than me. 
I don’t feel like this very often anymore. But I know that there are plenty of mothers out there that do. You aren’t alone. 
The experience of Motherhood is definitely something that humbles even the most confident mothers. 
I wasn’t one to have much confidence once I began but I got there eventually. 
If you’re in this headspace of wondering if you’re enough I’m here to tell you:
1. You are. 
2. This is NORMAL. 
3. This post is for you. 
Read it on my substack now and consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. ❤️ It supports me as I hopefully support you.
I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored
I see nothing wrong here. I see nothing wrong here.
Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ik Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ikeahack #jokesfordays
This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At s This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At some point it got passed down to one of her grandchildren. Then it made its way to my house and all three of my kids have used it too. 
My middle decided he was done with it and I had no idea what to do with it. It’s almost an antique at this point and I knew my mom felt sentimental about it. It’s heavy and tiny but it has good bones as they say. 
My mom lives too far away to come get it and the grandkids are all getting too big to want this desk in their rooms. 
I walked around my little house looking for a spot for it. There really isn’t one. 
Could it be an end table? Or swapped out for an entry table? 
But then I walked into my bedroom and saw this bare wall. It’s not ideal. My husband will hate it. But I’ve been thinking that I needed a study spot in my house (in a room with a door that shuts and locks) since I’m in school again at 46 years old. 
I’m hilariously too big for this little desk but also it seems just fine for sitting and writing papers. 
The older I get, the more I realize that this life is short and I’m sure it will make my mom happy to know I’m not only hanging onto this desk a little while longer but it’s going to be used for actual school work again instead of hoarding useless scraps of paper, half filled notebooks and dull crayons no one has touched in years. 
I’m breathing life back into this desk for a few more years and it seems symbolic of my taking something old (me) and using it for something new (becoming a therapist). 
I’m not super sentimental about furniture but I’m sentimental about the people that I love. 
She loves this desk so I guess I’ll love it a little longer on her behalf. ❤️
🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: 🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: "I feel depressed that it’s back, when I had been handling things so well.
I feel hopeless that although I know it will end, that it will come back again.
I feel embarrassed that I’m sometimes mean to the ones I love most.
I feel like I want to give up.
I feel tired.
I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest thing.
I feel alone. I feel like I’m literally the only one feeling that way in that moment even though I know I’m not deep down. But, anxiety makes me feel like that.
I feel like I just would be better off if I could disappear."
First day back after a week long vacay to the fun First day back after a week long vacay to the fun of carpool and the reality of being a responsible adult is kicking my boot-ay. Can you tell? 😅
Yup. 😂 @themumcrew Yup. 😂 @themumcrew
Best thrift find ever. 😂 Best thrift find ever. 😂
Mental health matters. ❤️ Mental health matters. ❤️
You get the full tour if you’re my friend. You get the full tour if you’re my friend.
Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑 Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑
Just like building muscles in our body, to have go Just like building muscles in our body, to have good mental health we need to build muscles in our brains as well. What does that look like? 

For me, it often looks like practicing things that make me uncomfortable. 
Saying no. Setting boundaries. Sitting in discomfort with feelings I don't like. Being OK if someone is mad at me. Learning to validate MYSELF. You get the idea. 
But, really it can be anything that you need to work on but makes you feel REALLY uncomfortable. So much so that it feels like your brain is literally rejecting it. If you want to build that muscle in your brain that is OK with disappointing people in favor of your own mental health, you have to treat it like muscle building in your body. 

1. Do it often enough. 
2. Start small, and work your way up. 
3. Go heavy when you're ready. 

Practicing it often enough is really when you're going to get big results. Soon you'll get used to those negative feelings that come along with telling someone no and knowing they're disappointed. You'll build up endurance to tolerate the feelings and be able to sit with them and let them go. And finally, it will become second nature to you to do all those things you didn't think you could do. Just like strength training for a marathon - consider strength training for your mind. 

One thing I'm working on is telling myself I'm OK. I struggle with seeking validation from others when really I need to be seeking validation from myself. Because MYSELF is good, worthy, and OK 99% of the time. 

What are you practicing right now? I'd love to hear if this is true for you.
Love this so much. @nellie_scales Love this so much. @nellie_scales
If you’ve loved anything I’ve written, conside If you’ve loved anything I’ve written, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber on Substack where you won’t miss any of my posts. Here’s the latest - link in profile. 

#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #mentalhealthawareness #stopthestigmamentalillness
For the moms fighting all the battles no one sees. For the moms fighting all the battles no one sees. My latest on substack. ❤️ Link in profile
Truth right here. Truth right here.
Same girl, same. Same girl, same.
Yep. 😂 @sixfootcandy Yep. 😂 @sixfootcandy
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