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By Meredith Ethington

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Inspiration Learning Parenting

Hey Parents, You Aren’t Screwing Up. They Are.

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Hey Parents, I feel the need to tell you something I realized fairly recently. You aren’t screwing up. Your kids are.

Maybe these sound familiar?

“It’s Okay to make mistakes.”
“That’s how we learn.”
“Nobody has to be perfect.”

I’m guilty too. Those are all things I’ve repeated to my kids hundreds of times as a parent. It’s my way to give them grace. They are learning after all. And, I do actually believe all of those statements.

But, I was having a particularly challenging day recently. It was the kind of day where I finally just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I went into my bathroom, shut the door and sobbed. My daughter knocked on the door and came in to brush her teeth. She saw me, and asked what was wrong. “Nothing.” I muttered through stifled sobs. She sat down next to me on the edge of the bathtub, and started rubbing my back.

I wanted to spew everything I was feeling. How frustrated I was with her anger, and how she needed to learn to be more respectful. How she was making me feel this way. Awful. Like a failure. Instead, I sat in silence while she rubbed my back. I held back telling her how she was making me feel. Part of me regrets that. Because she was being a jerk. And, it kind of was her fault.

I gave her grace, instead.

Yet, what I realized later, was that I was giving absolutely no grace to myself. None.

I rarely do. In fact, if I think of the countless mistakes I make as a mom, rarely do I give myself a similar pep talk like I give my kids. I never tell myself, “It’s okay, Meredith. She’s your first kid. You’re learning how to do this, too.”

Instead, I turn inward and tell myself all the ways I’m messing up in any given moment.

“You’re too hard on her.”
“She gets her anger from you.”
“You’re failing.”

Hey, parents, where is the grace for ourselves?

The thing is, we often blame ourselves for screwing up raising them, but forget to realize that a big part of this whole raising kids is that they’re probably screwing up way more than we are.

And, get this: it’s actually not always our fault.

Hey Parents, You Aren't Screwing Up. They Are. How to Give Yourself Grace as a Parent

They are trying to learn how to be humans, and sometimes, it’s really really hard to be the teacher to people that have to learn E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

A lot of the bumps in the road we face as parents have nothing to do with us at all. It really is them. They are making mistakes, and learning, and screwing up, and yet, we blame it all on ourselves. I realized this the other day. And, it only took me ten years to get here. But, maybe I can help someone learn a little quicker than me.

Let’s give ourselves the grace since they’re the ones figuring out how to do all the things. They will continue to mess up royally despite our numerous reminders that the table does not clear itself, or that being kind is actually kind of a big deal. But, that’s on them. Not us.

I could blame her anger on myself, or I could recognize that she is just learning how to control emotions and that means that sometimes, she’ll act downright crazy.

I could blame my four-year-old’s pathetic work ethic on myself, or I could remember that he is learning the basics about being a responsible human being. And, sometimes, he’ll walk from room to room dropping a path of filth behind him like I’m his Cinderella, and responsible for cleaning up his little path of filth.

I could blame every temper tantrum, and fight on not being present enough, or not feeding them enough organic food, or whatever ridiculous shortcoming of my own I can muster up. Or….OR, I could remind myself that one of the basics of life they have to learn is how to interact with other people. And, it really is on them to learn it. Because believe me, we are teaching it until we’re blue in the face. Am I right?

Listen to me, parents: A lot of it is them. Not us. Their failures do not always mean that we failed in doing something. It’s important to remember that we aren’t the cause of all of it. They make choices day in and day out that impact their own lives apart from us. The weight doesn’t solely rest on our shoulders. They are fully capable of being crazy all on their own.

You aren’t screwing up. THEY ARE. And, that’s OKAY. That’s what they’re supposed to do.

They make crazy demands, and keep us from sleeping. They push our buttons. They test boundaries, and break things, and forget to pick up their backpacks even when we remind them over and over and lovingly hang that hook for them so that they have a perfect spot to put them.

They get distracted 2,280 times an hour, and miss the laundry basket daily. They don’t tell us when there is a project due until the night before, and they do not hear us when we’re talking. They expect you to spoon feed them, even though they are fully capable themselves. They resist becoming independent because you’ve always been there for them. THEY make life crazy. It really is on them to learn it all.

It’s a relief, actually, to come to this realization. I hope it’s a relief to you too next time you’re hiding in a closet binge eating something wondering what you’re doing wrong.

Yes, it’s our job to give them grace. Because they’re kids. And, they are learning. But, it’s also our job to give ourselves grace.

We’re good parents that are learning, too. But, more importantly, tell yourself that kids are fully capable of making the crazy all on their own without us having anything to do with it at all. Yes, they’re going to screw up. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that we are.


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Comments

  1. devanicole says

    September 11, 2016 at 9:19 am

    I can so relate to this! And I worry when I am hard on myself that I am modeling that behavior for my kids.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      September 11, 2016 at 3:21 pm

      I worry about that too. All the time!

      Reply
  2. Katie H says

    February 22, 2017 at 1:49 pm

    This was wonderful – thank you. Reminds me of something I read once: “I am responsible TO my children for their behavior, but I am not responsible FOR their behavior.” How often I forget that!

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Meredith Ethington

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
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Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

Read the rest in my substack ❤️
New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression
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I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

Yes, even for you Karen. ➡️➡️ to keep reading.
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But, the loss of yourself in motherhood is real. And It’s not talked about enough." 

Do you feel like you lost yourself in motherhood? How? I really want to know. 

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Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s th Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s the moral of the story friends? If you think your household is always sick - it’s because they probably are. Kids make everything more germ-y
Here’s what I do know 👇 No one knows what th Here’s what I do know 👇

No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
Our kids love us anyway. 
We’re all going to be OK. 
You’ve got this (as much as any of us do) 😘

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"By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to "By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to avoid being human." 

Do you struggle with perfectionism? Parenthood has helped me quite a bit, but It's something I've battled my whole life. I still struggle occasionally, although it's gotten better. But, let's stop trying to avoid being human and instead embrace ourselves an in turn embrace the entire human race. ❤️ I'd love to hear how you embrace being imperfect. 

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Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
It’s true! Researchers have found that as long a It’s true! Researchers have found that as long as you’re doing the repair after mistakes the other times - then 30% is enough! Sometimes I worry I’m not doing it right but I definitely know I’m doing it right 30% of the time! 
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