Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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If I Only Had Today

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A while back I wrote a post about letting go of the mother guilt. I am pretty good about not feeling guilty about some things. But, I’m not perfect at having no guilt. Remember, this blog is called Perfection Pending. I am a work in progress, so I probably never will be perfect at feeling no guilt. The guilt that is associated with being a mother seems inherent, and like something that is impossible to get rid of completely.

Lately though, I’ve been thinking about guilt and how it can affect change. Sometimes, we feel so guilty about something, that we vow to be better. Maybe we eat a dozen sugar cookies in our closet so we don’t have to share, and vow to start a diet the next day. Sometimes, we do. Maybe we yell at our kids and feel so much guilt from the look on their tiny little faces that we vow we will NEVER yell again. We make promises to ourselves because we feel guilty.

But, time and time again, we make the same mistake. It’s hard not to feel guilt when you keep messing up!! But, guilt does not come from a good place. Yes, it can affect change, but I think long lasting change only comes from when we have sincere desires to be different.

I’ve felt for a few months now, a little tugging at my heart. It’s the best way to describe it without using that ugly word guilt. Because, the more I think about it, the less I see it as guilt. But, instead, I see it as a “whispering of the Spirit” as we say in Mormon terms. Or in other words, God trying to tell me that there is a better way. A different way.

There is a difference between feeling guilty and feeling like you need to make a change. When we feel guilt it might cause a knee jerk reaction to want to be different. Maybe we feel sad, upset, and lost too. But when we feel something deep within us telling us to change, I feel like we are more able to make long-term changes that last. And, there is hope associated with that, not sadness.

I have been getting this nagging feeling that I am not being the kind of Mom I always dreamed of being. My blog has consumed my thoughts, time and energy the past year. It has left me feeling distracted, and anxious to get the kids situated so I could do what I was dying to do everyday. Create. Write. Share. Blogging is a good thing for me. I love it. It helps me. And I don’t think I’ll ever give it up. But, my goal with this blog a year ago is shaping up to be quite different than what it is now. And, I have the faces of my sweet precious kids to thank for that. Every day, they remind me of what is truly important.

The ancient prophet Jeremiah was in his house one day and heard the word of the Lord saying:

“Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will cause thee to hear my words.

“Then I went down to the potter’s house, and, behold, he wrought a work on the wheels.

“And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it.

“Then the word of the Lord came again to me, saying,

“O house of Israel, cannot I do with you as this potter? … Behold, as the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are ye in mine hand, O house of Israel.” (Jer. 18:2–6.)

The Lord explained to Jeremiah that when we make mistakes, as ancient Israel was making, we can take what we have marred and begin again. The potter did not give up and throw the clay away, just because he had made a mistake. And we are not to feel hopeless and reject ourselves. Yes, our task is to overcome our problems, take what we have and are, and start again.

I love that thought! It comes from an old talk by one of our church leaders. I believe that we can be susceptible to listening to what God truly wants for our path, and we can be molded as He would have us be. Even despite our imperfections. God doesn’t throw us away when we mess up. So, we shouldn’t give up on ourselves either.

I’ve realized in the past few months, that although my blog is good for me, it is not the best, most important thing to put all my energy into right now. Sure, it brings me happiness, but the goal of trying to grow it isn’t doing that. Instead, it was bringing me frustration, and sucking my time away from the most important job. Being a Mom. Through that quiet nagging, I’ve realized it wasn’t guilt trying to tell me this, it was Someone far more wise.

I won’t give up writing, because I do believe that every Mom should have something to take care of herself. It is essential to do something for yourself. If you aren’t doing that…change it. But, for someone like me, I have to be careful. I tend to want to dive into something 110% when I love it and it becomes an obsession. It’s hard to find that balance of being me, but being the mom I want to be too. I have no answers, except to listen to the quiet voice I’m hearing in my heart, and follow it with faith.

So, I’ve thought a lot about what to do about this blog. And, I’ve realized I just need to slow down. Breathe. And, not worry about it anymore. It can be left in God’s hands at this point. (Too bad He doesn’t have a Pinterest account to share my posts…right?) I know that I will continue to write when I can to bring myself joy, but I won’t fill my days with the pressure to write, think of good content, and spend hours promoting my posts. Because, I realized, that right now? I hate the self-promotion. It is taking too much time away from those I love most.

I just finally realized that I don’t want the image my kids think of when they hear the word “mom” to be the back of my head while I’m distracted and staring at the computer screen.

I want them to feel like they are heard.

I want them to feel like I do fun things with them.

I want them to feel like they are loved most of all.

I’m a good mom that already does a lot, but I also know I can do more. But, the good thing is, experience helps us grow and be molded by the One that does have the big picture in front of Him all. the. time. I get glimpses of that big picture, but if I really want to be who HE wants me to be, I have to trust in Him more.

No, this is not a good-bye post in case you’re wondering. It’s just a post declaring that I’m slowing down, and I’m not bitter about it. I’ve realized that the goal of growing this blog in the way that I want to, is something that takes more time than I want to invest at this stage in my life. It takes sacrifice and I don’t want the sacrifice to be time spent with my kids. REAL TIME. Because my kids are only little for this one brief moment (although this brief moment sometimes feels like an eternity) and I want that moment to mean something.

It reminds me of a song by Hillary Weeks that I love. The first time I heard it was when she sang it live. And, I wanted to sob like a baby. I didn’t because I was in the presence of lots of people and that would have just been awkward. That was a few years ago, and at that time, I was going through a different issue. But, today as I read the words, it means pretty much the same thing to me. This life is a gift, and so are my children. And whether I live to be 100 or not, it is still a brief moment. Am I taking advantage of that in some way every single day?

If I Only Had Today

It seems like I’ve watched a million sunsets
And stared at a thousand full moons.
Sometimes it feels like I’ve been here forever
And sometimes it all feels brand new.

I could never count the heartbeats
From the day I was born until now.
But not a single one goes unnoticed
By Him who breathes life in me somehow.

But if there were no more tomorrows
If I knew that I could not stay.
I know how I’d spend every moment
If only I had today.

I’d hold you and listen
And I’d let the dishes sit in the sink.
I’d tell you I loved you over and over
And for once I’d just let the phone ring.
The I’d remind you of forever
And how our love would never change.
If I only had today.

I’d wake up before the sun did
And I’d watch as you quietly sleep.
I’d pray for time to move slowly
Knowing the moment won’t keep.

All the gifts that Heaven has given
Every blessing that’s come my way.
Wouldn’t mean anything without you
So if I only had today.

I’d hold you and listen
I’d memorize every detail of your face.
I’d tell you I loved you over and over
I wouldn’t let excuses get in the way.
Then I’d remind you of forever
And how our love would never change.
If I only had today.

There’s no time like the present.
Life doesn’t come with any guarantees.
The sun will set and time won’t wait
So while I have today:

I’ll hold you and listen
And I’d let the dishes sit in the sink.
I’ll tell you I loved you over and over
And for once I’ll just let the phone ring.
The I’ll remind you of forever
And how our love would never change.
If I only had today.

If I Only Had Todayphoto credit: Micah Taylor via photopin cc

I hear that song and I want to stop everything and hug my babies. Yesterday, as I was fixing them lunch, I poured myself a diet coke. The three of them were mesmerized. They were transfixed on the tiny bubbles that domed over the top of the cup and didn’t spill over. They yelled, “more! more!” as I was pouring it. It was funny to me. Then my two year old watched me pour in the last few drops of the can and he yelled, “YAY!!!!” like I had just made it to the top of Mt. Everest. It made me want to gobble him up. And, all three of them reminded me that joy and happiness can be found in the little things. Even the pouring of a diet coke.

And, the truth is, that is what God is molding me to do right now. Slow down. Breathe in their cuteness. Hug them more. Find joy in the little things. Look them in the eyes and try to memorize the precious things they do every day. And, sacrifice the right things. Because growing a blog can wait a few more years. Or forever if necessary.

***********

Don’t worry, Manic Mondays is not going anywhere! This is a parenting blog hop. What are you thinking about this week? Link them up so we can visit each other and hear about what’s going on in YOUR parenting world.

Going to join us? Here are the “rules” (Feel free to follow them loosely):

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2. Grab MY button found below and add it to your post or sidebar, and then come back and link up with us here. It’s that easy! I’ll try to promote your post on social media by pinning, tweeting, and sharing.

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 Perfection Pending


24 Comments

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Comments

  1. Ana Lynn says

    April 14, 2014 at 7:28 am

    I completely understand what you mean, the guilt, the nagging voice, the obsession with something you love, the whole nine yards. Finding balance is hard, but not impossible, either that or we add more hours to our days!

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      April 14, 2014 at 2:39 pm

      Yep. If only I had an extra 2 hours everyday, I could keep doing it!

      Reply
  2. Katie @ Pick Any Two says

    April 14, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Blogging takes a ridiculous amount of time and energy, but you know what? I also truly believe that when we don’t let our blogs run our lives – when we spend more time actually LIVING – our blogs only improve because they better reflect a life lived to the fullest. Glad you’re giving yourself the space to breathe.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      April 14, 2014 at 2:39 pm

      Exactly! That’s what I felt like I was doing…blogging and not living enough to actually have enough to blog about. It’s all about finding balance…and I’ve just decided the effort and energy it takes to grow it, is just not worth it at this time in my life. I hope people will keep reading when I do write. 🙂

      Reply
  3. Jessie says

    April 14, 2014 at 11:55 am

    Balance- it’s always hard and it only gets worse once you add “Mom” to the list of titles. Good for you for recognizing what you need to do for yourself and your family.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      April 14, 2014 at 2:38 pm

      Thanks Jessie!

      Reply
  4. Susan Maccarelli says

    April 14, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    I totally get this. There is definitely an expectation I place on myself to keep up with the blogging Jones’s by not only writing, but comment on other posts, use social media to promote myself, etc. etc. and all the stuff that makes up a blog schedule. I definitely feel guilt when I get annoyed with a kid for interrupting me for the 100th time, but I also have no problem leaving for 3 days and not touching a computer (not sure I could do this for 4 days, but 3 is pretty good :o). I give the kids uninterrupted time every day, but I know I could give more. Definitely something I struggle with and am still working through it.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      April 14, 2014 at 2:38 pm

      It’s so hard. Trust me, I know. 🙂

      Reply
  5. 3 Bros Ringmaster ~ Tracey Goss says

    April 14, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    Thanks for your transparent humility! I actually took six weeks off from blogging because it was becoming more of a chore than a LOVE! I too had to take a step back and remember why I embarked on this journey in the first place. It was to chronicle our special moments not to replace them. Good for you for listening to that still small voice and leaving your blog in the very capable hands of God. May we all be as wise and humble as you have been today!

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      April 14, 2014 at 2:55 pm

      Thank you for reading my ridiculously long post!! I hope that I can find the right balance. 🙂

      Reply
  6. Lisa @ The Golden Spoons says

    April 14, 2014 at 7:56 pm

    I get this completely. I started my blog four years ago, but have just in the last year started doing all the self promotion and social media and trying to make it this huge success. And, I have had moments when I want to ditch it all because it is just too much. I am finally reaching a similar point, I think. I once heard this advice – remember you own your blog; not the other way around. I think right now, my blog is owning me and I am trying to take it back and get it under control. I say good for you and thanks – I needed to read this today.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      April 14, 2014 at 9:15 pm

      I hope you find a good balance Lisa. I’ve been blogging for 6 years, and just committed to a more public way of blogging in the past year. It’s so hard for me to find the balance…..I feel like I have to sacrifice so much!

      Reply
  7. normaleverydaylife says

    April 14, 2014 at 8:07 pm

    What a great post! Love your honesty and transparency.

    Reply
  8. kerri says

    April 15, 2014 at 4:20 am

    I totally hear what you are saying. After realizing that every time I sit at the computer is when I get bombarded in my chair, I knew I had to change. Now I get up super early to have a little me time, and mostly stay away from the computer during their waking hours. Initially I hated waking up early, but now I love the “me” time. That’s how I found my balance. And I’m a newer blogger, so I don’t really have any time for promotion, but my time will come. Great post!

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      April 15, 2014 at 7:42 am

      Thanks Kerri! That’s a good idea. 🙂

      Reply
  9. Brittany Bullen says

    April 15, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    This is beautiful. Such an important concept yet somehow so easy to forget. Thanks for sharing and being wonderful, as always.

    Reply
  10. Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. says

    April 16, 2014 at 8:20 am

    Kudos to you, mama- you KNOW I get this. 🙂 I hate guilt with a passion, but I think you are totally right that sometimes it is actually a message that needs to be listened to. Sometimes it needs to be kicked in the face, but I think you and I both experienced that guilty voice that was actually trying to send us a message to help make us happier and more balanced. Well said, and I support you 110%. xoxo

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      April 16, 2014 at 12:27 pm

      I know you do. It’s nice to let go of it a bit, and not obsess. I’m such an obsessive personality type!

      Reply
  11. Cathy says

    April 17, 2014 at 6:00 am

    The other blog I follow will take a break from blogging…and here you are too.. but I totally agree with you decision. God Bless you

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      April 17, 2014 at 7:45 am

      I’m not really taking a break, but slowing down. I’m still here! 🙂

      Reply
  12. Dana says

    April 22, 2014 at 11:00 am

    Thank you for sharing this post with me, Meredith. We have similar feelings about balancing blogging and parenting. My kids are already 12 and 15, so I feel like I have even less todays than many of my blogging friends. I don’t want to waste them!

    Reply
  13. Jenna @ Transformingintobutterflies says

    April 27, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    I really relate to to this post.
    Recently I had to come to a similar conclusion concerning my artwork. I am an artist who was trying to set up an art buisness when I became pregnant. I was feeling more and more frustrated before a couple of months ago because I found myself constantly distracted from parenting with trying to desperately find more time to draw and market myself.
    I have taken a step back now. I draw when I can and I blog when i can. Sometimes thats several times a week and sometimes its once. Letting go to really focus on Eli has been really beneficial because I no longer feel guilty and stressed that I am not giving him the attention he deserves. I do wish I had more time to draw though.

    Reply

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  1. Parents, power and empathy « neverimitate says:
    April 14, 2014 at 6:21 am

    […] This post is part of a parenting blog hop hosted by Perfection Pending.  […]

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  2. Zombie at our Breakfast Table! | 3brosflyingcircus says:
    April 14, 2014 at 11:14 am

    […] to re-run my very first blog post and I’ve decided to share it with my new friends over at Pending Perfection. Here’s my daily experience with the […]

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

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Meredith Ethington

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

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I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

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Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
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