I was talking to two other Moms who are parents to tween/teen girls. I mostly was listening as they talked about worries they have for their girls. They were talking about dating, and what if something happened to one of them. You know, the typical mom stuff that we all worry about. They also talked about their worries that there were no boys out there good enough for their girls.
I feel the same way about my daughter, and I’m not even thinking about her dating yet! So, as I was listening, I was mostly keeping quiet. Because, who knows how I will really feel when she starts to really like boys. I mean, now, she knows about crushes, but I have yet to hear that she likes a boy. She is still mostly in the stage where boys are weird, and we don’t invite them to our birthday parties anymore.
So, worrying about her dating isn’t on my radar yet. But, these two moms were obviously worried. In one mom’s mind, all these boys were doomed to a life of not being good enough. Something about the conversation just didn’t sit well with me, but I wasn’t quite sure what.
I realized what it was a couple of days after the fact. It was the fact that I am raising two boys of my own.
And, I’m not just raising little boys. I’m trying to raise good men.
This wasn’t the first time I’ve heard this kind of talk from moms of young girls. I started to wonder, will my boys automatically be assumed to be bad before they are assumed to be good? Just because they are boys?
You hear about boys being just boys from the time they come out of the womb. Crazy, wild, into jumping around and destroying stuff. Believe me, my boys are like this too. And, I didn’t raise them this way intentionally. They just are. They are Crazy. Wild. Carefree. Uninhibited. FUN.
They are amazingly fun.
My daughter was the firstborn and she did not prepare us for boys in any way whatsoever. She sat in a corner with her toys and whispered while she played. I’m not even kidding. She whispered. Today in church she drew the alphabet with a picture to go along with each letter in nice rows and columns. My son drew pictures of bombs. I kid you not.
But, I’ve been lucky to surround myself with lots of friends that have boys too, so I don’t run into the judgmental mom of just one little girl that is often wishing my son would stop being so…ya know, boy-like. But, I know they’re out there.
What I am saying is that raising boys is on my mind. It’s important. My job is to raise these boys to be not only decent men, but good ones.
Let’s not talk about boys like they will automatically fail to be a good man.
I am faithful in my religion, try to protect them, and help them when they make wrong choices. But, are other moms that aren’t raising boys just full of fear for their daughters? Do they worry that because they are boys, with boy-like inclinations that they are doomed to fall into the traps of pornography, pride and disrespect for women? Will it be assumed by those that are raising girls that boys their girls’ age just aren’t good enough simply because they are male?
And it hit me with full force. We try so hard to talk about female empowerment, feminism, rights, and how girls should not depend on a man to be happy, etc. etc. etc. but what about the boys? I don’t like thinking that the world is assuming my future men will undoubtedly fail to be a good man some day.
Boys (just like girls) will make mistakes.
Of course, no matter how hard I try to raise my boys right, there is no way of guaranteeing they won’t screw up. Break a girls’ heart. Look at pornography. Cheat on their wife. In life, there are no guarantees. I can talk about how to respect women, while also acknowledging their equality until I’m blue in the face, but there is no guarantee that I will raise boys that will turn out to be good men. But, I also don’t believe for one second that because they are boys, they will get addicted to porn, have a one-track mind, or think women are less than. They are human, so of course they will make mistakes just like girls do.
There will be good men that come out of today’s generation.
Because I read a lot of blogs, I also read a lot of articles about women trying to raise strong, independent daughters. I think that’s commendable. There are a LOT of “what I want my daughter to know….” type posts. But, let’s not discount that there can and WILL be good men that are raised in today’s society too. The same generation that is trying to raise good girls to be confident, strong-willed, and independent are also raising boys to be respectful, trustworthy, and moral. And, some of us are lucky enough to raise boys and girls.
Let’s talk positively about boys and girls.
So, my suggestion to all of you mothers out there of teen/tween girls that are worried. Be worried. But, don’t count on there being no boys out there for your daughters to date that are good enough. Don’t say in front of your young daughters that all the boys her age are stupid, dumb, thoughtless, or not good enough. I believe there are good teen/tween boys too. I know a few of them.
Right now, I look at my little boys and I see kindness, and sweetness, and respectfulness. Sure, they are still very young, but they are in a loving home where they are learning how to treat girls, what is right and wrong, and how to show emotions in appropriate ways. They have a father that is a good man. One of the best. The world isn’t just raising confident, independent, feminist girls. It is also raising strong, loving, compassionate men, too.
Moms of boys are trying their best, too.
To all of you moms with young, impressionable teen/tween girls: Remember this mom when you’re talking in front of your girls. Remember that I’m trying my best to raise good men. And, I hope to succeed. Your daughters believe you when you say that there are no boys out there good enough for them. Sure, a woman doesn’t need a man to survive, but let’s not raise her thinking that not only does she not need them, but that there actually aren’t any good ones. Because, that doesn’t give me, and the rest of the moms raising little boys much credit.
Meredith, I love you for this! I think you and I could sit down and talk about this subject for hours. 🙂
Raising my two sons has been the biggest blessing of my life in so many ways, but the most surprising thing is how being the mother of boys has made me rethink all of my previously held feminist beliefs.
I’m from that time of feminism where it seemed the only way for a woman to be “better” was to make a man “worse”. That was what was impressed upon me from the world at large for a lot of my impressionable youth, and I didn’t realize how much I had just assimilated those thoughts into little things I said and did.
Until I had boys.
Now I’m horrified at the implications of the things I was taught; reading the things mothers write to their daughters is always a crapshoot. Sometimes I’m shaking my head “yes! I would say just that if I had a daughter!” And other times I sit there with a rock in the pit of my stomach, worried that one day my precious boys will wind up married to a woman who was raised to treat men like hapless, bumbling idiots…or worse.
Ugh. There’s no happy conclusion to this comment; I just wanted to say thank you for writing so much of what I’ve thought about boys and putting this out there for other moms to consider.
In the end, boys are awesome! Different than, but just as much as girls. 🙂
Hugs! (Oh, and you don’t suck the fun out of kids. I agree with the parties being out of hand, too.)
Thanks so much Carrie! Your comment means the world to me. It’s a sensitive subject, and I didn’t want to stir controversy. It’s just something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately!! Thx for stopping by!
Hi Meredith. I love having a boy. He makes me laugh everyday and although his energy levels are wired slightly differently to the girls, he’s fun to be around. I do know, however, that he already has a fascination with breasts, so I guess it starts from a young age!!
I intend to try and bring my daughters up to be realistic. During teenage years, what girls want from a boy and what a boy wants from a girl are two very different things, but as long as they are aware of that, they will hopefully make it through. Post teenage years, I’m sure there will be a Prince Charming out there for them somewhere. And as long as we raise our boys to be respectful, once they can think clearly (post puberty), I’m sure that they will put into practice everything that we taught them!!
I hope so! Yes, they will want different things (especially during puberty) so it’s important to teach our girls to be careful too!!
Amen! So well written. It’s too bad some women think being “feminist” entails man-bashing. Great, great post!!!
Thanks Michelle!! That means a lot coming from a fellow mama raising little boys!
Yes! Thank you for defending boys and their moms (and dads). I had my boys first before I had a girl. Because I work in women’s athletics I hear messages of girl power all the time. When I had a son I was ashamed and appalled to find that were no positive messages for him out there. Nobody ever felt the need to tell him that he could be brave, or caring, or strong, or thoughtful, or anything at all. What does it mean to be a man in our society? How is he supposed to be a good father and husband if that is never communicated to him? So we make it a point to communicate it daily in our family. I have two amazing sons and I believe that they are growing to be outstanding men.
I know. That’s what I worry about!! Boys need to hear that they are amazing too.
Loved this post! I used to be one of those teenage girls who thought that there were no good guys out there. Thankfully I met a couple–like my amazing husband!–who changed my mind. Now, I’m working hard to raise my two boys to be amazing men too. It always makes me sad when I see women outright disrespecting their husbands. I know I am not always the most respectful wife (working on it!) but the level of disrespect is crazy. (Some) Women practically want men to cower while they take over the world; then they wonder why there aren’t stand up men out there…
Thanks Brittany!!
As a mom of 2 boys this is a topic I talk about often. I strive to teach my boys to be kind, be thoughtful, be respectful of all people and as they become teens to their girlfriends. I hope that I can continue to reach them and that they surround themselves with like minded friends when they grow. It is something I think does need to be spoken about more. I also think that too often boys emotions are not encouraged, they are supposed to ‘be tough’ and the ‘strong silent type’, why are we not encouraging our boys to express themselves? I hope I can always have open conversations with my boys and I think that trust starts at a very young age. Worth sharing for sure!
Thank you!! I totally agree. 🙂
Here, here! This is such a wonderful post! I’m so happy my post gave you food for thought!
Stopping by from Life Lesson Plans, glad you found my magic milk instructions helpful! I love your thoughts here and I look forward to reading through more of your posts!
Thanks for this one. I have two boys and no girls. I usually don’t read articles written for parents of girls, but I have seen plenty of them. We are all doing the best we can with our kids. Our boys are getting sent very mixed messages, and people wonder why they struggle. I hope what people seem to expect out of boys (be strong, no tears, hide your emotions, on and on) is at the very least counteracted by what I am teaching them (be kind, be considerate, be caring to other people).
For sure! I know there are a lot of great moms out there raising little boys…like YOU! 🙂
I think so much about how we are raising our kids. With two boys (6,5) and two girl (5,3) and the most unexpected combo of rambunctious, overly-physical ( 1 boy, 1 girl), overly sensitive (1 boy, 1 girl), artsy-crafty (all), totally athletic (1 boy, 1 girl) and so on, we are realizing that there is no predictor for who is going to turn out how. None! We ask them daily to do something kind and persevere (and then follow-up at dinner to find out if that happened) and I always remind them that pink/tutus/sewing machines and so on aren’t “girl stuff’ per se. Nothing inanimate has lady bits, as we say in this house, so blue, trucks and Hello Kitty are all up for grabs. Hopefully the love and friendship we encourage among them every day and the love my husband and I model each day are enough to lead the way to help them love whoever it is their hearts choose someday with respect and kindness.
In the end though, maybe it’s all a crap shoot. Ack!
Excellent post. 😉
Thanks Jennifer! It’s so true! We never know how it’s all going to shake out in the end! I’m just tired of people talking up girl power and forgetting about the boys. Maybe I read too many blogs. 😉
I agree with you. I think some moms are just feeding their daughters this information on purpose. Children are individuals just like adults. We can teach and teach but eventually they will do what they want. We have to try our best to instill good morals and excellent manners and that’s it. We teach them to love and honor. I love this post. This is my first time here!
Thanks Ida!! So glad you came by. And, it’s true, it’s up to us to help our kids learn what is good, and I think part of that is teaching them about respecting others….even if that includes stinky boys. 😉
As a mother of two lite girls (4 and 9 months) I’m feeling so far away from those worries so I won’t borrow tomorrow’s trouble but you make a lot of really great points. I always try to make sure my girls see what a respectful relationship looks like.
And, maybe my perspective will change too as my girl gets older as well!! 🙂
Hi, Meredith! As a fellow boy mom (and a girl thrown in the mix, too) I can really appreciate your perspective. I read the Matt Walsh article, too, and I think the future holds difficulties for all of our children, both male and female. I don’t know if you’ve ever read the Love and Respect book by Dr. Eggerichs, but he speaks often about assuming good intentions in others. I think we’ve lost a bit of that. 🙂
For sure. Thanks so much for stopping by!! And, I’ll look into that book! Thanks for the recommendation.
I have two boys and a girl as well. My oldest boy is 19, my girl is 17 and my bonus baby is 7. I have raised both of my boys to treat women the way they would want someone to treat their mom or sister. I love your attitude because that’s our job. We are creating a product. We want to send productive, caring adults into the world in the end but that starts when they are young. It doesn’t just happen one day.
That’s right!! And I love how you call him a bonus baby. cute. 🙂
As a mom of three daughters, I love this. I am concerned about the boys they will eventually date, but I think if I had boys, I would also be concerned about the girls they would eventually date. Let’s face it, girls can be just as “bad” as boys. I wrote a post a while back called “What Moms Of Daughters Want You To Teach Your Sons.” Needless to say, I got some supportive comments and I also got some awful comments telling me I was a horrible mother. I get the point from some commenters that my post was bit presumptuous. I do expect/hope parents are teaching theirs sons certain things – BUT, I am also trying very hard to teach my girls many of the same ideals. (I did not state that clearly in my post and I should have.) I truly appreciate that you are thinking about this – about what kind of MEN you are raising. I just hope that girl moms are also thinking about what kind of WOMEN we are raising. I definitely am! 🙂
Thanks for your comment Lisa!! I’m sure most parents are doing their best at trying to raise good kids. I just think that some people forget that! And, in the feminist world that our kids are growing up in, I worry that boys are getting left out of the picture a bit. Thanks for your perspective though.
Love, love loved this. Am a mum to 2 boys and a girl, I have a whole heap of worries about each of them growing up and sometimes those worries kinda contradict each other – if that makes sense?!
Totally does!
How did you get into my head? Seriously? I have been thinking about this since Saturday, planning my post for your link up (and didn’t get around to it till today >.>, bad me but something has come up sadly). When I was pregnant for the first time, I rooted for a boy. Deep down I knew I was having a boy before the doctor even told me so.
I thought boys had it easier in life than girls. Then, recently I started thinking about how most men are doomed to be labeled as bad, while my husband and I were joking around about our daughter dating and him wanting to get a shot gun. I realized, most boys have it bad, just because of the issues you raise in your post. So, I attempted a post of what I would want my sons to know, in the hopes of giving them at least a head start. Foolish, I know, but can you blame me? I am a momma bear after all!
Not foolish! We all want our kids to be the best they can be. Glad to know we were on the same wavelength!
Just got around to reading this. Awesome post Meredith. All I can add is that my daughter (17) is pretty good at pointing out to her brothers (15 & 13) if their humour is in any way inappropriate. They listen to her because they respect her, and she chides them gently because she respects them. Girls and boys may be different, but both can turn out well or not. I am always reluctant to generalise when the world is made up of individuals, even within the same family. When they were younger I had more problems with the behaviour of my daughters girl friends (moody and bitchy) than with any boys she brought home.
Yes, moody and bitchy seem to go hand in hand with girls huh? 🙂 Thanks for the nice comment.
Love this post – with two little boys we’re in the same boat. Thanks, as always, for your thoughtful posts. It makes me even more thankful for the teenage boys in the neighborhood who are such good examples for my kids.
Thanks Kim! Glad your boys have good examples. Mine do too. There are a lot of good men out there, we just don’t talk about them enough, I think. 🙂
I love this – and I agree wholeheartedly. As a mom of three boys I find all the male-bashing pretty offensive. There are lots of good men in this world. And I’m doing my best to ensure my boys grow up to be good men. But if they’re automatically assumed to be inherently “bad” that’s hardly fair!
I totally agree! Thanks for stopping by!
I LOVE this Meredith!! I am so glad you added to my FB thread! You are SO right about that- as I too, have both genders and really- once you think about it, BOTH genders need to be raised with morals and values and learn how to treat others with RESPECT. Not to mention? Some GIRLS grow up to be doozers that harm men too… in one way or another.
It most definitely goes both ways. Although the scale is most tilted to the one side.
I pray my boy is a GOOD man, and I will do my best to make sure of that. BUT- like you said, there is a lot that we can’t control- I pray also that my daughter finds a GOOD man, and doesn’t have to come into contact with a man that doesn’t respect her for all she is. I pray too, that my boy finds a GOOD woman, who treats him with respect for all that he is.
Such a thoughtful post- I get it. I really do….
Thanks Chris for such a nice long comment! Thx so much for taking the time to read it. 🙂
Preach, Meredith, preach! I’m in the front row, here, waving my hand saying, “Amen!” This was a phenomenal post.
As the mother of a son (first; he’s 30-months-old) and most recently a daughter (she’s only 6 months), I can relate on so many levels, the least of which is that, I, too, sometimes have to catch myself because I start to ponder about what life will be like for them when they are nearing adulthood. (sigh.)
Thank you for so eloquently pointing out this double standard that exists.
“hey are in a loving home where they are learning how to treat girls, what is right and wrong, and how to show emotions in appropriate ways. They have a father that is a good man. One of the best. The world isn’t just raising confident, independent, feminist girls. It is also raising strong, loving, compassionate men, too.”
^^^^THIS. This. Is. Our. Family.
Thank You!
You’re so nice Courtney! I’m glad you could relate. A double standard does exist, because there are plenty of good families out there trying their best to do the right thing. Like yours. 🙂
Ah yes, I have to agree with a lot of the points you’re making. I have twin 5 year-old boys who will grow-up to be gentlemen…hopefully! I’m intrigued by some of the other articles you linked to and will have to go back and read them. I really love the point you’re making about raising good men.
Visiting from SITS…
Thanks for stopping by Allie! It’s a tricky business raising boys and girls no matter what! 🙂
I am also a mom trying my best to raise a great man and I’m not so much concerned about others perception of him – boys and girls during that age go through a lot of hormonal changes and girls can be just as bad as the boys. I think as long as we raise good kids, whether boy or girl, society as a whole will be better off. I think we’re just an overprotective society and therefore, trust no one, including the opposite gender with our kids. We’re afraid to let them make mistakes on their own and that’s apart of parenting, one which I’m not ready to fully embrace yet since my son is almost 7. 🙂 I feel as though we all judge people at first glance but if we do our job of raising good men they will quickly dismiss those judgments by proving them otherwise. At the end of the day as long as I raise a son who is proud of who he is and is guided by true moral judgment, I won’t be concerned about others judgement of him and I don’t want him to worry about it either – because at the end of the day as long as we know he’s a great man, others will realize it too. Great post very thought provoking Meredith! Happy Monday! -Iva
You make some really good points Iva! It’s true, teaching them confidence is so important. Because if THEY know who they are, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says about them. 🙂 Love that. Thanks for stopping by!
I have a two year old girl and a five month old boy and even at this age I’m trying to raise my boy to be gentle and empathetic. Anytime my husband jokes about how our baby needs to “toughen up” (and he is just joking) I remind him that we should be just as gentle and loving with our boy as we are with our girl. That is part of raising a good man, I think. Great post!
Thank you! And thanks for stopping by! 🙂
I had a daughter first and then two boys. I was NOT prepared! They are like night and day in so many ways. But my hopes and dreams for all three of them are pretty similar. I think I worry a bit more about my daughter because she’s older, but I’m pretty sure I’ll worry just as much about the boys when they get to that age.
Same here. A girl and two boys. I worry about completely different things, but yes, worry is there with all three! That’s a mother’s job, right? 😉 Thanks for stopping by!
Hi Meredith,
Like you, in the midst of the craziness I am doing my very best to raise my three boys to become well behaved, loving and responsible men. Plus, my husband and I do it not alone, we are parenting in partnership with God and we are very positive that they will turn out great, not just to make good husbands in future but to make God, us and society proud.
This post even provoked me to put in more effort. Enjoy your SITS day!
I’m so glad! Thanks for stopping by!
Having two girls and two boys, I can definitely relate, even if they are all very little! This post reminded me of an acquaintance of mine, on why here daughters are not allowed to date. Just a thought to ponder: http://theresathomas.wordpress.com/category/dating/
Thanks for sharing! I’ll check it out!
Hey Girl,
Love this post.. I’ve got a son as well-ringing right through to me!
Happy SITS day, I hope you have the best Monday yet!
Thank you Sandra!! Thanks for stopping by!
This post really hit home with me. Men are responsible for so much and as mothers raising the boys that will one day become men, we have a huge burden to carry. I try to do all that I can to make sure my boy grows up to be respectful, loving, and a contributor to society. If I had girls, I guess I’d be scared too, but there’s some of us who are raising boys the right way. Thanks for pointing that out.
No problem! Thanks for taking the time to read and stop by!
I’m raising a son and two daughters and this is something I notice too. It feels like society wants to empower our girls while asking boys to apologize just for being born male. I hate this for my son. You’re right we aren’t raising boys we are raising men. I think more parents need to focus on the outcome.
Absolutely! Thanks for stopping by!
I’ve got 2 boys, 2 girls. My oldest, my son, is now 20. My 2nd oldest is also a boy, and is 14. I’ve been raising my boys to be good men, too. Just be aware that despite the best-laid plans, sometimes our kiddos turn out completely different than we expect…than we worked so hard to get them to. My oldest has not turned out like I raised him. But, I surely hope that he will eventually backtrack to what we raised him to be. Just a heads-up. I was so shocked, dismayed, disappointed & utterly confused. They are still there own people and will do whatever the heck they want to, ultimately. And it’s NOT YOUR FAULT. Happy SITS day!
Thanks Jean!! Yes, I totally agree. I think I said that somewhere in my post…there are no guarantees in this parenting gig. I hope I can remember that it’s not my fault if that time comes. Because I pretty much blame myself for everything now (which I’m trying my hardest to overcome). Thanks so much for stopping by and for the encouraging words!
I have two boys myself, who can certainly be wild, but I worry about all the same things. As someone else said I don’t want them to have to apologize just for being boys, but it’s really important to me that they grow up believing that women are equals and to understand why they need to be respectful. It’s a tough line to figure out as a mother!
Definitely!
Hi! Visiting you via The SITS Girls. Loved the post. At home, we were two girls and we grew up lady-like (he, he), when my sister came up with a boy, we loved dressing him up in little baseball outfits, but were not prepared for the “sporty” laid-back, messy young guy he would be! It’s a shock to a woman’s system (we think so differently!) But it’s good learning. I’m glad yo have a sense of humor about it. Wish you the best with your blogging!
Thank you! And thanks for stopping by!
I am a mom to a boy and I am with you for all of those concerns. Thanks for this post, so well written and thoughtful!
Well, interesting take on this subject. I raised two boys and also was a step-mom to my ex husband’s two daughters from his first marriage for over 19 years. I am still their “bonus-mom” and I am there if they need me. But back to your subject – as the mom of two African American sons, I worry about spoiled, overindulgent women who have been raised to think they are better than everyone else and that no one is deserving of them getting into a relationship with my sons. Boys are incredible – (remember God made them first) and so are girls! We are all different and we are all worthy. Until people start raising children to respect what everyone brings to the table, we still have a long way to go in this world.
http://www.LivingHappierAfter.com
For sure! Thanks for stopping by!
Oops, stopping by from the SITS Girls…I’m on vacation so I’m a little late…
Great post. I have a boy and it’s pretty terrible to think that boys are judged before they’ve had a chance to prove themselves. I think having a strong mother figure will really help boys and guide them in respecting women, and in fact everyone. My mum managed it on her own with my brother, so I’m hoping I’ll be able to do the same for my son along with his dad.
(I love that fact that boys are just totally wild and different to girls – just their natural way, and makes them so much fun)
They ARE so much fun!! I love my boys so differently than I love my daughter. You have to find different ways to relate to them! But, they are such fun to have around. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
Meredith, My husband and I raised a son and daughter. They are grown now with families of their own. As they were growing up my husband and I made many mistakes – or at least that’s how we felt. Totally inadequate. But we loved them, prayed over them, supported them, kept them as safe as possible, showed them the world, communicated with them on many subjects and levels and gave them as many opportunities as we could. And you know what? They turned out to be wonderful adults. Caring and loving their families and friends. Even though sometimes we feel as parents that we aren’t doing the best jobs, just keep on loving and praying your children – God will take care of the rest! You have beautiful children!
Ronda
Thanks Ronda for such sweet words of encouragement! 🙂
Great post! As the mother of a little boy, this post totally hit the spot for me. I was thinking the exact same thing while you were relaying what those other women were saying about their girls. I am working my tail off; I mean my blood, sweat and tears are going into raising my little boy to be the kind of man any woman would want their daughter to marry. It makes me crazy when other moms act like no boy could actually have righteous intentions. If the tables were turned, and they had a son, they might find themselves feeling the same way about girls. The truth of the matter is, that we are all doing our best to raise good children. But they aren’t going to be perfect, not boys, and not girls. All we can do is teach, love, and support them the best we can. :o)
I totally agree. And the negative talk about the opposite sex is not healthy for any of our children to hear!! That’s what bothers me the most!
I’m raising two girls and I can only pray they find a well raised, moral, strong man like the man I married- their father. It sounds like you are raising boys to become good men and we need more parents to do the same! We need to raise both great men and women out of our little ones.
Totally agree!!