It’s official. I read too many blog posts.
In an effort to clear up common misconceptions about stay home momery, I wrote Tuesday about how when you’re a stay at home mom, you’re not allowed to complain.
Today, I want to write about another post I read titled, Being a Stay-at-home parent is a luxury…for your spouse.
At first, I found myself nodding my head in agreement with this post on Babble. You’re darn right, my husband better appreciate the fact that I stay home! He IS lucky to have me! I SHOULD stop feeling guilty because I get to wear sweats all day (even thought I don’t) and he has to go to work (and incidentally wears scrubs…the most comfortable clothing on the planet). What would he do without me? I even shared it on my Facebook page with the disclaimer that I knew it was a luxury for me too.
But, there was one little thing that bugged me about the whole article. Her use of the word….luxury.
Excuse me? When did my life become luxurious exactly?
Sure, if you count having your toddler use you as a walking kleenex, trash can, or butt wiper luxurious, then I guess I am. It’s like that song we all love/hate: “I’m so fancy. You already know”
What added fuel to the fire was when another working mom posted it to her Facebook page in disappointment that people weren’t recognizing that the stay at home parent was living a luxurious life too. I have to say, I agree with her that both parties benefit, but again, us stay at home moms were accused of not appreciating what we have. Again. (insert eye roll).
I don’t know about you, but my day to day life doesn’t feel very luxurious. A luxury by definition is “the state of great comfort and extravagant living”. Excuse me while I take a break and laugh hysterically at that one.
Ok, I’m back.
When my husband and I made the choice to have kids, we knew we wanted to make it work somehow so I could stay home. When our first was born, he was smack dab in the middle of graduate school. I had been working at a law firm, and earning decent money for someone with just a bachelor’s degree. But, quit? How would we survive?
We did it though. And, we may or may not be paying a hefty student loan now that proves that fact.
We’ve sacrificed lots of things we used to enjoy to have me stay home. For one, eating out. But, we also have student loans that might be paid off sooner, cars that could be nicer, and a tiny home that could use some work, but will just have to be enough the way it is.
Yes, it’s nice that I don’t have to get dressed in a business suit and show up at a job at 8 am, but my work is still work. And the ability to stay home isn’t a luxury. It was a choice. One I stand behind, and one I’m grateful for (even if I complain sometimes). I know not every mom gets that choice, and for that, I’m thankful.
I also don’t really like being told I’m lucky. Luck is only a tiny fraction of it. We made this choice happen through lots of sacrifice and choices with this goal in mind. My husband chose a career path that would make enough for me to stay home. That meant extra schooling, extra school debt, and putting off buying a home even though all our friends were doing it. We don’t have flat screen TVs in our house, or super nice clothes. We make choices everyday to be frugal and save.
This ain’t no Real Housewives scenario. Maybe it should have been titled, Being a Stay At Home Parent is Beneficial…For Your Spouse.
So, here are a 10 ways I think our lifestyle and me staying home is “fancy”:
1. Today, I got woken up by my 5yo who needed a kleenex. At 6 am. There was a box IN his bed with him already. We’re super fancy because we let our kids sleep with tissue boxes.
2. Yesterday, my breakfast dishes sat in the sink until right before I cooked dinner. It wasn’t laziness on my part, but extreme busy-ness. There just was not time.
3. Instead of sending my laundry out for someone else to clean and fold, I wash it myself. Leave it in the dryer for 3 days, then fold it and leave it at the foot of my bed for another 3. It eventually gets put away by magical creatures known as children (or adults) that ran out of clean underwear.
4. Sometimes we get a caterer for dinner. His name is Papa John. He makes really good take n bake pizzas.
5. We have this GIANT TV in the basement. It’s awesome for movies and video games. Except I think it weighs 5,000 lbs. It’s a large box tv from before the flat screen was invented. We’ve decided that instead of moving it OUT of the basement by 4 large men swearing, we will just dig a hole in the basement floor and tip it over into it.
6. People hacking into my phone are in for quite a show.
7. I’ve shared my holiday home tour. DEFINITELY fancy.
8. Sometimes I wear socks with flip flops. I really try not to leave the house like that though.
9. I’ve flipped the cushions on my couch so many times to hide some stain or another, that I should really start using all those cleaning tips I have pinned.
10. I have a nanny. She’s called the TV. I use her whenever I’m desperate to pee alone, shave my legs in the shower, cook dinner, or think.
I love being a SAHM, but we make it happen with budgets, and planning, and saving money for things. We chose this life, and while I know it’s not a possibility for everyone, I do think it’s a misconception that those that get to stay home are somehow living the high life. And, I’m definitely NOT fancy. My t-shirts from Target with holes in them prove that. Blessed, yes. Luxurious? Now, that’s funny.
So.Very.True.
Nothing that is worth it ever comes without sacrifice, including the decision to stay at home. I only work Part time, and I’m pretty sure that if I worked full time with two toddlers, I’d be sacrificing my sanity!
Funny! My life is definitely not fancy (I bet it is very, very similar to yours), but I take no offense to the word “luxurious.” Compared to other American mothers–no. But compared to people in 3rd world countries? Definitely. I know I have it good! And you’re right, it’s not because of luck. It’s because of choices.
TRUE. Compared to other countries, we do have it good. You’re absolutely right about that.
It’s definitely not a fancy job, but I’m glad I got to choose it, too. Staying home with my boys may be busy, but every now and then (like just now) they do something so cute that I can’t help but smile – and agree that I’ve got the good end of the bargain.
That doesn’t mean that I won’t wish I could trade places later, though! 🙂
I loved this. Now could you condense this down into a one to two sentence non-confrontational, nicer than I’m feeling rebuttal to the other parents who go on and on on how lucky I am when I’m having a really “luxurious” day??? That’s be great- thanks! 🙂
No. But you could always share my post with them.;)
I.LOVE.THIS. It really bugs me when people tell me how lucky I am to be able to afford to stay at home. I can afford it because I CHOOSE to afford it by the choices and sacrifices that we make. Thank you for writing this post x
Thanks Karen!!
Yeah, this is so common. Sometimes it is the wisest choice to make depending on your degree and where you live. For me, I have a degree but it isn’t specialized so it would cost more, in reality, for me to work and pay for childcare. Instead, I stay home and we all reap the rewards of that choice by having our kids raised by their parent. If I could make more, maybe we would have made a different choice. I don’t know. Either way, we were able to make this work because it is what was important us as a family. My son will start VPK next fall and I am already setting myself up for part time work when that happens because money is important and we need more. But still, we also made the choice to sacrifice any extra income to make sure I am still available to pick them up from school and be with them. All of the choices we make are very personal and shouldn’t be judged.
Exactly. We can’t tell if someone is drowning in credit card debt, or being super frugal. And, really…whose business is it of ours anyway?
Another defensive blog post by a SAHM who has the time to blog about why her privileged life is somehow not a luxury but a sacrifice. The fact you have time to read too many blogs is a luxury. The fact that you had a choice to stay at home and be with your kids instead of working is a luxury. A luxury also by definition is something you have that is nonessential. You choosing to stay at home was not essential. It was a luxurious choice many working families would love to have and this is why so many working families get annoyed by SAHMs who complain all the time how hard their life is. Why do SAHMs think that luck had nothing to do with being able to afford to stay at home and that it was all just careful planning, sacrifice and hard work? It is insulting to working families because it projects the stereotype that poor working families struggle because they don’t work hard enough or plan for the future well. Many families work and plan ahead just like your family did but things happen such as unable to find a successful job despite having an advance degree, illness of a family member, etc. Many factors play into the ability to be a SAHM that extend beyond hard work, planning and sacrifice. The fact that you can’t see that even having the ability to take the risk to take on more college debt to pursue a higher college degree makes you unappreciative. A lot of people would love to have that chance. I notice that many SAHMs hold this ridiculous notion that a second income enables a family to have many luxurious items that a SAHM can’t afford to have. No, a second income means being able to pay off debt instead of taking the financial risk of putting off debt as well as saving money for the future instead of living paycheck to paycheck and risking financial insecurity. I call it being financially responsible to work to pay off accruing college debt and not self-indulgent. Many duel income families make the same financial sacrifices as you and still have to work to make ends meet. Being a SAHM is not a job. It is called being a parent. It is a responsibility. A responsibility all parents have regardless if they work or not. It is a responsibility you chose to have when you decided to have kids.
I have a hard time appreciating the random commenter that pops in having never read any other blog posts of mine. I’m assuming you fit into that category. It’s easier for you to see me the way you want to see me. While you seem to accuse me of being close minded and only seeing one side, it seems that you missed a few sentences in my post that you should maybe go back and read again. For example: “I know not every mom gets that choice, and for that, I’m thankful.” I’m sorry you mistook a humorous post poking fun at being a SAHM for a defensive, close minded rant. I was doing anything but that, and I am sorry that you felt the need to put me in that little box.
Amen sister. I use the same nanny in number 10 for the same reasons.