It was about sixth grade when I realized that there were “popular” kids. I’m sure I had seen some evidence before then, but I distinctly remember realizing in the sixth grade that I had been invited to a birthday party of a popular girl, and maybe, just maybe, I was in with the cool crowd. I remember visiting her house. It was much bigger than mine. Although, it has faded considerably in my memory now.
There was a limousine involved and some driving past our rival middle school. I remember feeling pretty important to be invited to a birthday party where I got to ride in a limo.
But, in usual fashion, as time went on the lines became more clear. High School came, and that’s where the friendship faded away. She was with her crowd. I was with mine. It’s not like I was necessarily “unpopular”. I was in band though, so how popular could I have been? But, I had a very good group of friends that I loved. And still do to this day. I look back on high school fondly, and with no regrets. I don’t wish that I had been with the “in crowd”. I have perspective now.
But, then, when you’re in it, those kinds of invisible lines that are drawn hurt. Comments you overhear in the high school halls sting. And, you look at that “popular” girl across the room from you in English class that you used to be “friends” with, and you think, “Why can’t we be friends now? What’s so different from sixth grade that we can barely speak now?”
I was thinking about all of this on my walk this morning. Something subtle happened that was probably invisible to the average person looking, but for some reason, it grabbed my heart and wouldn’t let go this morning. I noticed an invisible line. It was subtle, and maybe it was just in my imagination, but I noticed it. It instantly brought back to my memory every “mean girl” memory from childhood. Although, I was lucky. If I stuck with my best friends, I was happy and loved.
My daughter is in 2nd grade. I don’t think she is aware of any lines. But, as I look around at other kids her age, I notice the differences. It’s impossible not to. I notice the designer shoes, or the expensive backpack. I notice which kids have worn their shoes out and which seem to have on a new pair every other week. It’s not hard to notice as an adult, but thankfully, she has yet to ask me for a name-brand anything. I hope to keep it that way as long as possible. As a matter of money and principle.
But, this morning, as we were walking to school with a group of kids, I noticed my daughter was the only one wearing tennis shoes. It’s PE day, so I told her she had to. The other two little girls in our walking group had on their flip flops. It was also PE day for them. They saw Avery’s shoes and started talking to each other (not to her) about how much they hate wearing tennis shoes. Maybe it was innocent, maybe it wasn’t, but I immediately turned around ands said, “Yeah, Avery hates wearing tennis shoes too, but it’s PE day. I told her she had to.” with a big fat smile. They didn’t really react. I’m sure I was overreacting.
But, then, I began over thinking too. As we walked the rest of the way, I noticed that Avery stuck right by me, and the other two little girls stuck together talking softly. I tried to pay close attention to see what they were saying, and it was nothing of consequence. But, I couldn’t help but feel a little tightness in my chest. A little aching for what is to come. The lines will be drawn and she will one day notice them. Honestly, I don’t care what side of those lines she is on, but I know she will.
And, as she walked away from me, I watched her walk a little behind the other two girls down the steps to the school. I lingered. Imagining. I wanted to cry. Not because I think she was feeling left out, but because I felt left out for her. I imagined the conversation that might come one day soon. “Mom? Why don’t they like me? Why won’t they include me?” And, I ached because I don’t have an answer. I’m not sure I ever will.
It’s hard to imagine when you look at your kids what direction their life will go. I watched all the kids running up to the school. I imagined that each of them will take a different path. Their best friend now may not be their best friend 5 years from now. They might not care about lines now, but one day they will. She may not notice her differences now, but regardless of how hard I try, someone will make her feel less than she is. And, I imagine, my heart will break right along with hers.
*Inspired by the DP Challenge: Imagine.
It’s just heartbreaking, it takes so little for kids to be mean and sometimes I see my kids do it so easily and have to tell them to be kind. The desire to be liked is so heard to resist, I guess we just have to do our best to make our kids “nice”. Great post, it really made me think.
I worry about that too and all we can do is hope our children see their worth beyond what the popular kids do and say. And hopefully they can somehow realize when school is over all that crap will mean nothing. If only they can have our knowledge now. 🙂
I know, right?
Have you asked her about it? I know you probably don’t want to plant ideas in her head, but when I was a kid I was left out of certain social things (like my best friend couldn’t play with me in 3rd grade because her OTHER friends told her she couldn’t) that sort of thing. It started as early as 1st grade, I believe, though I never quite understood WHY I was being excluded. Around 4th grade I came to the conclusion that the reason I was being excluded from some friend groups was because I didn’t have soccer shoes. I know now that it was really the ‘popular’ kids who were on a soccer team and all wore those shoes and were a clique, but that was the only reason I could come up with as a kid. I had friends and look back at elementary school and realize I was part of excluding other people, just as I was being excluded, but I never understood what was happening in those social dynamics and I think it would have helped if my mom had explained how people relate for reasons or other reasons or whatnot.
I asked her if they include her. I didn’t want to put ideas into her head if they weren’t there. She said they did, so I left it at that. Those social dynamics are part of learning and growing up, I just wish they didn’t have to hurt so much!
I have been through it with three of my gang, one to go. My son in particular was not one of the “in” guys but was still very respected. However it was hard to watch. I get my perspective by looking at my husband. He was painfully shy as a child, quiet and only invited anywhere because his older brothers were very strong characters. One day we were speaking of nick names we had at school. My husband said he was called “Cearnog” which is an irish word meaning square. He was called this because his name was kearney (and he was a bit of a square!). As we discussed it he said half jokingly, “If I’d known you then you would have been the one making that name up”.
And you know he was right. I was probably the smart ass type who would have done this, but the point of this long comment is that I changed and Mr Square and I are together over twenty years and I still love him dearly.
I hope your children are not too affected when they discover the “line” but it is life and they have you and their Dad to hold them and get them through.
Great post.
Thanks! I agree. I have that same perspective now. Now that I’m approaching my 20 year reunion, I’ve realized that none of that matters anymore, and it’s something that we all have to go through, it’s just so hard to watch as a parent. Who knows if my husband and I would have been friends in high school or not. Most likely, probably not, but luckily, we all outgrow that horrible part of childhood, right? 🙂 And, it does make us stronger in the end. We hope, anyway.
I’ve already experienced that with my 4th grade daughter. She is a beautiful and tall girl, but she is awkward because of her height and she just kind of likes what she likes. I know for a fact that she is going to get hurt (she has my sensitive heart) and I my heart is already breaking for her and I think she had a bunch of heartbreak last year that she just has a hard time sharing with me. I know because I didn’t want to share my pain with anyone either.
so sad isn’t it? And you are such a sweet dad to be so sensitive to it. My daughter seems surprisingly confident too. And, I say surprisingly, because I feel so anti-confident a lot of the time. 🙂 I hope that both of our kiddos will let things just roll of of them, and become stronger as a result!
Awww.. my heart really ached for you. When we first moved and my little girl started her new school, she asked another little girl in the playground if she would be her a best friend, the little girl replied “no”. I was gutted for her- like tears in my eyes and totally choked that I took her hand and we walked away. She was only 5. I told her not to worry and that I would always be her best friend and fortunately she was happy with that. I felt so angry towards that child, and had to keep reminding myself she was just a kid and probably didn’t realise the impact of her actions- but I stewed on it for far longer than I probably should have. I would like to think and hope my children would show more compassion than that little girl, as it is something I try really hard to instill into them. Her school report referred to her as a “Mother Hen” and I was really happy with that 🙂 xx
cute! Mother hen?? I love that. I know, it’s so hard.
This semi relates to a discussion I had with two VERY attractive girls in my group yesterday as we were discussing Americas latest trend of genetically manipulating their children’s genes. They being 18 and probably the “popular ones” in high school, were like we could never do that.. that’s so shallow… I have an eye defect… It’s not lazy eye but sheesh it might as well be for everyone so we’ll go with that so you can understand it a bit.. Obviously I was an easy target for bullies. I told these girls that some kids get teased so mercilessly that a parent can be up all night sick to your stomach that their kids could go through that too… my condition was not genetic.. but if it had been… I can’t say I wouldn’t have at least THOUGHT about it… it’s a tough world and some kids are just mean 🙁