Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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In the Motherhood Inspiration

It Is Not Good Enough to Just Be Better Than The Generation Before Us

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It is not enough to just be better parents than our parents.

Have you ever heard people say that? Every generation does a little better than the last. Well, if that were true, then when, or how many generations will it take until, we are all going to magically be absolutely perfect parents? The answer is: Never.

I have been thinking about how so many people tend to say things (either in their heads or out loud) like, “Well at least you don’t beat your kids, so you’re doing better than that”, or “At least I’m not yelling at my kids all the time like MY mother did, so I’m at least I’m a better Mom than she was”. While some might think that these are positive thoughts, I like to think that they are thoughts that, while not exactly negative, aren’t really helping all that much anyway.

Let me explain.

First, I think comparing ourselves as mothers to anyone is not a good idea. Yet, I do it all the time. I am the QUEEN of this behavior. It is especially hard not to compare ourselves to our own mothers. Whether good or bad. For those of us that had mothers that were always “perfect” in our eyes we might fall into the trap of feeling like we are never good enough. But, for those of us that maybe had the opposite of perfect mothers, we will also fall into the trap of, “I can never escape becoming my mother. I’m failing because I do such and such” So, either way, it can produce negative thoughts.

I also think that it just simply is not enough to be a little better than our own parents. That is not always a healthy comparison. I remember when someone close to me once said, “My mother in law just doesn’t get it when I complain about my husband. Her husband was an alcoholic drunk that was abusive, and since my husband doesn’t drink or abuse me, then he can do no wrong in her book.” Does that mean that she has no right to get upset when her husband might do crappy things? Of course not. Her husband should be the best husband he can be despite what his father was like as a husband.

Sure, we can all look to our parents for some direction. Either we want to follow their example or run from it. Or maybe do a little of both. But, what if instead, we focused on what we wanted to be independent of whoever came before us? What if we didn’t compare or try to live up to, or try to overcome? What if we just focused on being our best selves as Moms?

Honestly, I don’t know how to do this. Let’s be real. I am constantly worrying about ruining my children, making mistakes, not living up to, and messing up my job as a mother.

Maybe the answers are simple. Like how about we can look ourselves in the mirror each day and remember to….

Be confident in what I’m doing.

Have faith that I am good enough.

Trust that I am the Mom my kids need.

Don’t rely on others for praise, recognition, or encouragement. Instead, focus on doing our own self-evaluation at the end of each day. (This is a hard one for me)

Concentrate on doing my best each day instead of someone else’s best.

Trust my Momma instincts.

Forgive myself.

Don’t give into the fear that I’m not good enough or that someone is doing better.

Know that I will make mistakes, but admit them when I do.

Don’t settle for doing better than what the generation before us did. Instead, try hard to achieve the best of myself.

Easier said than done right? But, that is the Mom movement I would like to start. Forget looking at another sad story in the news or from our own childhood and thinking, “Well, at least I’m not doing that. So I’m doing OK.” Instead, why don’t we look in the mirror and say, “You did your best today.” And if you didn’t, don’t beat yourself up. Simply resolve to do better tomorrow.


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Comments

  1. K.C. Wise says

    February 20, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    What beautiful thoughts (as usual)–I think that “forgive myself” is probably the hardest tenant in your pep talk. We never leave room to forgive, because we constantly think that we are wrong and that there is little to nothing redeemable to what we are doing. But that’s our inner critic. We’re always so much harder on ourselves than anyone else in the universe. We have to learn how to be our own biggest fans to counter act being our own harshest critics!

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      February 20, 2013 at 3:42 pm

      I love it. Hmmmm…can I be my own biggest fan? That’s a tough one. I’ll work on it. 😉

      Reply
  2. amberperea says

    February 20, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    I think that in healthy doses, comparing yourself to others drives us to be better as parents. I want to be the mom on Pinterest that makes the adorable homemade valentines, I do. Most days, though, I am the one that buys them. But there is always next year. 🙂 As long as you don’t kill yourself doing it or beat yourself up if you can’t then I think it’s never a bad thing to want to be better than you are or at the very least, strive to be your best.

    I think the key is in the balance of who you want to be and who you are. Never let one overshadow the other. 🙂

    Reply
  3. writermomangela says

    February 20, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    I think that we are all only doing the best we can at any given moment. Some moments, and some days, are better than others. Our kids will remember the mistakes we made, but also the good things we did or the things we got right.

    Reply
  4. monk-monk says

    February 20, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    I had this conversation yesterday with Boof. I don’t want to be like my mom, who would shut down out of overwhelm and lack of maternal bonding. I am trying to identify when I shut-down (usually response to introvertedness and too much ‘noise’ (aka whining)). Yeah, I’m not beating my kid, but I don’t want to be absent, either.

    Reply
  5. MJ says

    February 21, 2013 at 6:48 am

    There’s a someecard I posted on my Pinterest page that fits me, and I feel totally comfortable (most of the time) with that fact. It reads:

    “All these moms are on Pinterest making their own soap and reindeer-shaped treats, and I’m all like ‘I took a shower and kept the kids alive.'”

    There was a great article recently in the homeschooling magazine I get. It reminded me of that ecard. The article was about when the writer (a mom) realized that all that craftiness didn’t matter to her kids because all they wanted was her.

    She was trying to braid her daughter’s hair in some fancy braid she had seen in a video or on Pinterest and was getting frustrated. When she made the comment about how lucky the little girl in the video was to have a mom who knew how to do fancy braids, her own little girl replied, “But I have a mom who’s trying.”

    Ultimately, all our kids really want is our attention. You ARE the mom your kids need… because you are their mom. 🙂

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      February 21, 2013 at 7:56 am

      Thx!! I need to keep repeating that over and over! 😉

      Reply
  6. fiammisday says

    February 21, 2013 at 8:52 am

    This pic is really cute!! A big kiss from a new follower!! see you soon…

    Reply
  7. Mommy Frazzle says

    February 21, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    I am totally taken by your thoughts in this post. Do mothers of twins have to heed this advice, too? I take a pass wherever I can get one!:0

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      February 21, 2013 at 8:58 pm

      Mothers of twins always get a pass in my book!!!

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Potty Breaks and An Unexpected Phone Call | Faking Picture Perfect says:
    February 21, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    […] baby didn’t fall asleep until 3 am last night. Why do nights like that always follow beautiful, positive posts I write the day before? It’s like the universe is trying to erase my good […]

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Meredith Ethington

perfectpending

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Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
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What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
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But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

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But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

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