The universe has a way of sending us all signals. I had a post I was trying to write in my head for a few days now, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on which direction it was supposed to go. Then I saw the daily prompt from today, and I knew. Here it goes.
A few days ago, I read this post. And it is beautiful. And, it made me think, “Huh. I’ve never thought about it like that before.” This woman was choosing to post the pretty pictures of her life even when her life was ugly in that moment. She said that for her, it was the only way to blog.
I thought to myself, “Maybe that’s what all those bloggers are doing.” You know the ones. The ones that choose to only post the pretty snapshots of their lives. That share tutorials on how to bake something perfect, and share the pictures of their children with their high resolution cameras, that have 4,328 followers, the ones that share the pride they found in knitting their daughter her very first back to school dress by a DIY tutorial they found on pinterest. I wasn’t like those bloggers.
No, I was real.
When I decided to make this blog more public and switch it to wordpress, I had dreams to not be that blogger. I used to be. But, not now.
No, I was going to be the one that shared the ugly moments too. Who talked about hard things. I had big dreams for this blog. I had dreams of support from other moms like me. I had dreams of laughter when you really wanted to cry. I had dreams of being able to finally say out loud the thoughts in my head without being judged for them. You know, the ugly ones that you wouldn’t exactly bring up at a get together with other moms. I had dreams of just being me. And, I thought, that by doing that, others would finally get me. They would see who I was the way I see who I am. Because, I was going to pour my little heart out.
They would see someone who is not afraid to admit that motherhood is hard, but still loves being a mom. They would see someone who is down to earth. Kind. Non-judgmental of other moms. They would see someone who isn’t afraid to post a picture of her messy house, or someone who isn’t afraid to poke fun at herself. They would see someone who has issues, but isn’t afraid to be open about it. I was CRAVING honesty when I started this blog. In a big way.
I have received a lot of encouragement the past few months. I have received private emails from other moms thanking me for sharing my struggles with anxiety in a way that resonated with their own feelings that they were too scared to share. I have received comments from countless real-life friends and even more cyber friends that have been encouraging. I have received many, MANY “OH my gosh! I feel the same way!” And, all of that was feeding something inside me. I was doing good by not being like those bloggers. You know the ones. The bakers. The pretty picture ones. I was finally able to stop faking what I was feeling inside, and get it out.
It was liberating.
But, sometimes, what we see in ourselves isn’t what others see. Isn’t it amazing how the criticism of a few can drown out the cheers of many? There was a life-changing moment for me that made me realize that what I was reflecting to myself through blogging was far different than what some people were seeing in my blog image. They were seeing darkness when I was seeing light and truth. They were seeing negativity when I was feeling a release of it. They were seeing sadness, despair, and ingratitude when I was finally able to vocalize that life is hard. My little snapshots of my life weren’t pretty. To some, they were very, very, ugly. And, they didn’t want to see that.
Sure, I wasn’t portraying snapshots of fake, perfect lives. I knew that. But, I thought I was at least portraying real-life. And, real life is pretty some days and ugly the next. But, that didn’t mean life was over for me. It didn’t mean I wasn’t grateful for life. Yet, others were seeing snapshots of only darkness when I didn’t reflect positivity and light all the time.
It was heartbreaking, and it was with people close to me, and it was eye-opening. While all of my intentions were good, the reflections that they were choosing to see in my blog weren’t at all right either. Just like those blogs weren’t real to me. Mine was a little TOO real to others. I felt hurt and angry and robbed of something I loved doing.
I wrote post after post after post trying to explain myself. And, those that didn’t know what was REALLY going on kept encouraging me. And, I am so grateful for that. But, inside, no matter how much I wrote in vague references to the life-changing moment, I was still hurting in a way that changed me.
I realized, for the first time in my life a few things.
That sometimes people don’t want to see the ugly.
Sometimes, people are downright offended by the truth.
Sometimes, people will misunderstand you no matter how hard you try to explain or write in an honest, clear way. They will pick and choose the words and posts that you share. They will see who they want to see. Even if it isn’t you.
And, sometimes, there are people like that blogger I mentioned earlier that prefer to only look at pretty things when their lives are crumbling down around them. I get that now. I’m not going to judge them anymore either. They are reflecting who they want to reflect.
Some people want to only see the pretty.
And, my blog will never be that.
It doesn’t make my blog better than theirs. It just makes my blog different than theirs. And, just because I am not afraid to voice the ugly, doesn’t mean I am wanting the ugly all the time. In truth, I just want real-life. I want to live life to the fullest, find joy in the simple, and not be afraid to share the scary. I want to not be judged because I choose to do something different than someone else might do it. I am working hard on trying to get over feeling so judged, when in reality, they chose what they wanted to see. That’s not my fault at all.
I choose for my blog to be honest. For ME, that is the only way to blog now.
The problem is, others will continue to see the reflection they want to see. So to my mirror on the wall? I just ask, please, reflect ME. Nothing more, nothing less. And, if others refuse to see that? Help me to keep writing….
Great blog today. I envy your writing skills. I am sitting here trying to write a cover letter for a job and can’t even do that. :/ You write so well and it is just so REAL…all the time… and that is why I love your blog. It’s honest and it is YOU which rocks!
Thanks Rayna. You are such a good friend for “getting me”. Can’t wait to see you on Friday.
Fantastic post. Thank you, you articulated so well everything I feel and I admire your bravery and raw honesty. I’ve just started blogging and I’m not sure where I’m going with it yet. I want to be a doula which is such a positive job but right now I’m feeling really negative about life at the minute. I want to be honest about how I feel but then you get accused of being ungrateful. We all know the theories of life and how we “should” be/ feel but the reality is in fact very different and there’s nothing wrong with that. I love to read an honest post that I can relate to, it makes me realise I’m not as alone in this feeling as I think I am xxx
I blog as my blog says “my thoughts on a page”. Some days I feel funny, others serious, others melancholic, others sad. I write because I can’t not write and even though it really matters to me if others get my post, i could not change it to fit in with popular demand. I do not look to find like minded bloggers, I love diversity, but when I do find like minded I am delighted. I think having read your posts for a time that I get you and I think we are relatively like minded. Glad I pressed that follow button! Keep blogging. Funny you titled your blog “faking picture perfect”, which is what this post is discussing. 🙂
Yep! I’ve done a lot of faking picture perfect in my life. 🙂 Thanks for following. It means a lot.
Thank you for such a nice comment! It means a lot!
What a brilliant post! I identify with this so much. I, too, try to write about the real things in my life and don’t just do the pretty pictures or daily updates on my trip to the park. Well I don’t really do those things at all. Sometimes I worry that people will find me negative but really, what they choose to see is up to them and if they are honest they should also be able to say that sometimes I post with great enthusiasm and happiness. There are contrasts as that’s how life is. If people don’t like that then there’s not a hell of a lot I can really do about it except try not to be offended if they stop reading my blog. I know of one blogger whom I really respect who NEVER stops by my posts anymore and I can only imagine that my topics aren’t really her style. Or my approach. Or something. It disappointed me at first but then I decided there is nothing that I can do about it. And that by no means was I to change. I need to stay authentic and my blog will find the right readers who see that. So yes, I identify with your brilliant post today. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
What a nice comment!! Thanks for stopping by. 🙂
Don’t change anything. I read because you are so honest and real. But I dealt with a similar situation lately, where I was writing about being annoyed by everyone/everything in my life, and someone took it out of context and made it about HER, when I was really saying “I have a problem, clearly my being annoyed with everything means I have something wrong with me and I need to work on it.” It was awkward at best and now makes me second-guess what I write. I’m slowly trying to recover from that.
I’m glad I’m not the only one that has experienced that. It’s hard not to put stock into someone something says about something so personal. However, it really gave me time to pause and reflect if maybe my natural tendencies do need to shift a little more to the positive. It never hurts to try to improve ourselves!! But, it’s about ME ultimately, and that’s what I need to focus on.
The truth always finds a way anyway. Whether people see through the bullshit, or whatever. Congratulations on being real. it’s way more interesting than perfect.
Thanks!
I notice you didn’t say that you dreamed of meeting a feller like me online! Oversight, I’m sure. You can be a negative Nelly sometimes, but we can all be, right? I like that I never know what you’re going to write about when you post. Could be uplifting child or church related nonsense or it could be negative child or church related nonsense too. Poop on the peeps who only write about the good times. That’s their prerogative, but we know better than to believe all their days are sunshine and lollipops. You’re my favorite LDS and I pray (to my own version of Jesus who condemns polygamy, of course) that you never change.
hahahahaha! I’m glad to see you are back to your old antics of leaving slightly offensive comments on my blog that always make me laugh. And, of COURSE I never dreamed of meeting a guy like you! You are one of a kind, Don. 🙂
I am doing my own thing too. Sarcastic, bitter sounding and trying to be funny and sometimes failing. Regardless, it started that way and is still that way to this day. Keep up the Fake Picture Perfectness.
Thank you!
Beautiful post. It’s my personal opinion that hiding the ugly is just as bad as burying your feelings down deep inside you…it just causes rot from the inside. That said, everyone has the right to portray themselves the way they want to. I think you’re portrayal is a wonderful one…a loving mom who isn’t afraid to admit that sometimes the world can feel hideous. That’s real, and for the record, I appreciate it. 🙂
Thank you!
I can relate to this on so many levels. I think those of us who are non-judgmental types assume that others don’t judge us for our occasional weakness or discouragement, either…but lots of people really do judge. Or they think I’m too negative because I had two downer posts in a row – when really I just had a rough week. I’m often surprised by others’ shock at my honesty, because I assume everyone feels similar feelings! I still feel that it is the best route for my own writing. Like you said, though, I am also learning to respect other blogging styles, even if they are a little too “perfect” for my taste.
Yes, exactly.