I got a college degree once upon a time. It’s a degree in Psychology, which incidentally has come in quite handy for nothing except maybe analyzing other moms at the park.
I was thinking the other day how college failed me. Remember when middle schools used to offer Home Ec? You know, where you learned how to sew on a button and other such nonsense. Well, as good as college was back in the day where I still took notes with actual paper, I wish that there would have been other things taught as, let’s say, electives for those of us who knew we would want to be a stay at home Mom one day when the time came.
But, I suspect women’s lib has made the opportunity for such classes absolutely impossible, so, maybe I should start my own university for moms? You know, classes you could take that offer you REAL advice that is useful. Sure, you need to learn how to feed your kids, and change a diaper, but I’m talking about more practical classes here like whether to clean up vomit off the bed first, or off of you or whether to just put everyone in the shower and hose everything down at once. Those are the kind of tips I wish someone would have taught me.
So, if I started Mom U, here are just a few of the classes I would offer:
Talking on the Phone 101 This class would teach you the art of talking on the phone with the ability to block out an incredible amount of noise, and also use the mute button in a way where the caller won’t hear you peeing, multi-tasking, or screaming at your kids.
Cooking with “Helpers” Focused on helping you not lose your cool while your kids throw flour across the room, and lick their fingers 15 times, this class will help you simultaneously keep the 2 year old from putting his head in the oven, while wiping up messes as you go.
Boxing Ring Masters This class will focus on how to break up both physical fights between your kids and verbal ones. With an emphasis on how to teach sharing without drawing blood. You will learn the art of patience and deep breathing as you attempt to break up fights that make absolutely no sense at all.
Agressive Encouraging (for beginners) This class is especially helpful for moms on the go that are outnumbered, and moms that have 2 year olds. This class will help you begin to learn the art of encouraging your kids to get ready to go for the day a little faster. It will include tools like get in their face and whisper threats, manipulation tactics, and how to trick them into putting their shoes on. With an emphasis on how to help your 2 year old stop saying, “I do it!” The goal of this class is to help you no longer feel like you’re herding cats when you are trying to get out the door.
Sonar Hearing (while in the shower) Do you ever feel like your entire family is being murdered while you’re taking your 5 minute shower? Then this class is for you! We will offer hearing agility courses that will help your hearing improve so that you can tell if a child is destroying something or someone while you’re in the shower. You’ll be able to distinguish whether to jump out, or stay put in that shower just a minute longer. Be prepared to have dolphin-like sonar powers while in your shower.
What do you think? Would these classes have helped you prepare for being a Mom? Which classes would you add to the list?
Don’t forget to check out our other classes:
Mom U: Now Offering Even More Classes to Save Your Sanity
Enroll me! This is so funny.
“Aggressive Encouraging” is my new favorite phrase. If I ever need to come up with filler for a resume, I’m totally going with that.
Also – maybe something’s just wrong with me (which is super likely) but I can’t find where to link up today, and it looks like the inLinkz thing may be set for next week instead of this week. Or I’m just not looking in the right place because it’s Monday and I have no idea what’s going on.
Thanks for this fun post!
aaaah!! Thanks for pointing it out. Please hold while I fix. 🙂
Can I please, please, please take Cooking with Helpers??? After three burned dinners in a row, with a toddler underfoot of course, I obviously need it!
Ha! Yes! I’ll make sure you’re on the list. 🙂
I’ll take Agressive Encouraging and Sonar Hearing! When do the classes start because I am ready, willing, and able!
Ha! Me too! Now to find teachers….
Sonar Hearing would be excellent! They should offer that in the hospital before discharging you with baby. 🙂
To funny, I still after to many years to mention still can tell what someone is doing, no matter where they are in the house.
Coming from IBA Meridith, I just shared your post to Twitter. I didnt think appropriate to add to your linky, but would love it you stop by and add yours to Mondays Reflections
Have a great week!!!
Thanks so much! You’re so on top of things. 🙂
Absolutely!!
A must read for moms! I have “babysat” (with the supervision of another adult more qualified than myself) my 4 year old niece and 1 year old nephew and these would be awesome classes for me to take! Shared on Facebook under personal and blog profiles!
Thanks for the shares Crystal!! You’re so awesome. 🙂 I think I am going to come up with a few more classes for a future post. I think I’m on to something.
Haha this is awesome, although I’m wondering how I could sign up to be a teacher – sure, I’d have to come up with useful help, but if people are going to be practicing cooking and cleaning then why not at my house?
Unless that’s your master plan, Meredith! 😉
All in jest, of course. Mostly.
bwahahah! Maybe that is EXACTLY my master plan. 😉
I love it! I would stay for a PH.D! Thanks for hosting have a great week!
Thanks Sarah! Thanks for stopping in. 🙂
I could use Cooking with Helpers. I’ve been cooking with my eldest since she was a little under 3. It goes okay most of the time now, but it’s never smooth…. 😉 And I’m generally not … poised … about things not going exactly right.
Might I also suggest a “Controlling (your own) Temper Tantrums” course. Because there’s another one that I could use some help with…
Funny post.
Yes!! I definitely need a course in that. There will definitely be a 2nd and possibly 3rd installment of these courses. I have a few more in mind too. 🙂
Can the courses include wine and social adult time at the end?!
Also, what about learning the art of decoding what each child is trying to say when all of them are talking at you at once? Learning to not to pull your hair out with frustration because of the constant nagging and nattering!
Love it all. Yes to all of it.
hehe. I’d take every freaking one of your classes, girl.
I’d love to join these classes! Wouldn’t it be great if we were actually taught something useful like this in college?
Absolutely!
This is so funny! I seriously laughed reading it because it’s totally true! I’d love a class practicing carrying a squirmy toddler, a handful of groceries & a huge diaper bag while trying to fish the keys out while not dropping anything! 😉
That’s a good one Amanda! I’ll add it to my ever growing list of suggestions. I feel a second post coming soon. 🙂
Sonar Hearing – haha! Where can I sign up!? My husband travels a lot for work and I get so paranoid that someone is going to break in and kidnap my kids when I’m in the shower! Never mind that our dog barks when there’s even a slight change of pace in the wind outside…
Ha! So, you are probably pretty safe that you are not in danger if the dog isn’t barking. That’s good at least. 😉
1. I cannot enroll in these courses on account of my boy parts and chromosomes, so I would like to volunteer to be soccer coach at this school. “Fightin’ Mamas” would make a mighty mascot, and blood red ought to be the school color. Many lessons will be learned as a mama that can be applied to the soccer pitch, and the other way, too.
2. I wish I could have a course on The Look. I have mastered it in traffic, an intimidating glare for tailgaters as they pass (it helps to be Hispanic, honestly). I even have a Look for wayward referees. But for my kids? They fear their mother, but not their father. I’ve tried 17 contortions to no avail.
3. I love this idea. It’s blogging outside the box like this that just makes you want to share the smacks out of it. And link up. Definitely link up.
Thanks Eli!! You’re so nice. And, do you always give such amazing comments?? The look. Yep, I’m adding that to my list. I’ve gotten quite a few suggestions for more courses, so there will definitely be a second installment of this post. 🙂
I am dying here! This is totally genius, Meredith. I snickered through the whole thing and had to share it! Kudos!
Love the list, but I’d have to add some old classics, like how to make a meal in 10 minutes while making sure that everyone has something they like and how to sew a costume the night before Halloween or class production, so your kid isn’t the only one in something store bought.
Great ideas! I’m already compiling more class ideas from all the great comments. 🙂 This is just the first installment of this post, for sure!
I would totally make this my next alma mater Awesome!!
Thanks Megan!
Fantastic plan. I think you should make sure to offer advanced classes as well. For instance talking on the phone 201. Learn to carry on a phone conversation AND making dinner with “helpers” at the same time!
Okay, where do I sign up? I can bring snacks!
Snacks are always good!
Oh how I wish I had those classes!!! You need to also start a Masters program for middle school and of course the PhD for High School.
Oh the classes would fill FAST!!!
I’m sure they would. I can’t even think about the headache I will have when middle school rolls around! 🙂
Hahahaha yes to ALL! Too funny. And so necessary!
I think I could have used ALL of these classes!
I think moms need a class in self care. So many mamas I know don’t take time for themselves or put value on what they need. I think in order to take care of someone well, you have to take care of yourself.