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Humor Manic Mondays Parenting

Mom U. The Classes I Would Offer If I Owned a University

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I got a college degree once upon a time. It’s a degree in Psychology, which incidentally has come in quite handy for nothing except maybe analyzing other moms at the park.

I was thinking the other day how college failed me. Remember when middle schools used to offer Home Ec? You know, where you learned how to sew on a button and other such nonsense. Well, as good as college was back in the day where I still took notes with actual paper, I wish that there would have been other things taught as, let’s say, electives for those of us who knew we would want to be a stay at home Mom one day when the time came.

But, I suspect women’s lib has made the opportunity for such classes absolutely impossible, so, maybe I should start my own university for moms? You know, classes you could take that offer you REAL advice that is useful. Sure, you need to learn how to feed your kids, and change a diaper, but I’m talking about more practical classes here like whether to clean up vomit off the bed first, or off of you or whether to just put everyone in the shower and hose everything down at once. Those are the kind of tips I wish someone would have taught me.

So, if I started Mom U, here are just a few of the classes I would offer:

Mom University. The classes every mom should take.

Talking on the Phone 101 This class would teach you the art of talking on the phone with the ability to block out an incredible amount of noise, and also use the mute button in a way where the caller won’t hear you peeing, multi-tasking, or screaming at your kids.

Cooking with “Helpers” Focused on helping you not lose your cool while your kids throw flour across the room, and lick their fingers 15 times, this class will help you simultaneously keep the 2 year old from putting his head in the oven, while wiping up messes as you go.

Boxing Ring Masters This class will focus on how to break up both physical fights between your kids and verbal ones. With an emphasis on how to teach sharing without drawing blood. You will learn the art of patience and deep breathing as you attempt to break up fights that make absolutely no sense at all.

Agressive Encouraging (for beginners) This class is especially helpful for moms on the go that are outnumbered, and moms that have 2 year olds. This class will help you begin to learn the art of encouraging your kids to get ready to go for the day a little faster. It will include tools like get in their face and whisper threats, manipulation tactics, and how to trick them into putting their shoes on. With an emphasis on how to help your 2 year old stop saying, “I do it!” The goal of this class is to help you no longer feel like you’re herding cats when you are trying to get out the door.

Sonar Hearing (while in the shower) Do you ever feel like your entire family is being murdered while you’re taking your 5 minute shower? Then this class is for you! We will offer hearing agility courses that will help your hearing improve so that you can tell if a child is destroying something or someone while you’re in the shower. You’ll be able to distinguish whether to jump out, or stay put in that shower just a minute longer. Be prepared to have dolphin-like sonar powers while in your shower.

What do you think? Would these classes have helped you prepare for being a Mom? Which classes would you add to the list?

Don’t forget to check out our other classes:

Mom U: Now Offering Even More Classes to Save Your Sanity

and Mom U: Tween Edition


45 Comments

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Comments

  1. Michelle says

    June 16, 2014 at 11:33 am

    Enroll me! This is so funny.
    Reply
  2. Kate (Shakespeare's Mom) says

    June 16, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    "Aggressive Encouraging" is my new favorite phrase. If I ever need to come up with filler for a resume, I'm totally going with that. Also - maybe something's just wrong with me (which is super likely) but I can't find where to link up today, and it looks like the inLinkz thing may be set for next week instead of this week. Or I'm just not looking in the right place because it's Monday and I have no idea what's going on. Thanks for this fun post!
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 16, 2014 at 1:27 pm

      aaaah!! Thanks for pointing it out. Please hold while I fix. :)
      Reply
  3. Katie @ Pick Any Two says

    June 16, 2014 at 1:44 pm

    Can I please, please, please take Cooking with Helpers??? After three burned dinners in a row, with a toddler underfoot of course, I obviously need it!
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 16, 2014 at 8:43 pm

      Ha! Yes! I'll make sure you're on the list. :)
      Reply
  4. Ana Lynn says

    June 16, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    I'll take Agressive Encouraging and Sonar Hearing! When do the classes start because I am ready, willing, and able!
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 16, 2014 at 8:43 pm

      Ha! Me too! Now to find teachers….
      Reply
  5. Katy @ Experienced Bad Mom says

    June 16, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    Sonar Hearing would be excellent! They should offer that in the hospital before discharging you with baby. :)
    Reply
    • Mondays Reflection Linky says

      June 16, 2014 at 2:56 pm

      To funny, I still after to many years to mention still can tell what someone is doing, no matter where they are in the house. Coming from IBA Meridith, I just shared your post to Twitter. I didnt think appropriate to add to your linky, but would love it you stop by and add yours to Mondays Reflections Have a great week!!!
      Reply
      • Meredith says

        June 16, 2014 at 8:44 pm

        Thanks so much! You're so on top of things. :)
        Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 16, 2014 at 8:43 pm

      Absolutely!!
      Reply
  6. Crystal Duncan (@FindingCrystal) says

    June 16, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    A must read for moms! I have "babysat" (with the supervision of another adult more qualified than myself) my 4 year old niece and 1 year old nephew and these would be awesome classes for me to take! Shared on Facebook under personal and blog profiles!
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 16, 2014 at 3:07 pm

      Thanks for the shares Crystal!! You're so awesome. :) I think I am going to come up with a few more classes for a future post. I think I'm on to something.
      Reply
  7. Kim says

    June 16, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    Haha this is awesome, although I'm wondering how I could sign up to be a teacher - sure, I'd have to come up with useful help, but if people are going to be practicing cooking and cleaning then why not at my house? Unless that's your master plan, Meredith! ;) All in jest, of course. Mostly.
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 16, 2014 at 3:54 pm

      bwahahah! Maybe that is EXACTLY my master plan. ;)
      Reply
  8. Sarah @Thank You Honey says

    June 16, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    I love it! I would stay for a PH.D! Thanks for hosting have a great week!
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 16, 2014 at 8:42 pm

      Thanks Sarah! Thanks for stopping in. :)
      Reply
  9. Louise says

    June 16, 2014 at 8:05 pm

    I could use Cooking with Helpers. I've been cooking with my eldest since she was a little under 3. It goes okay most of the time now, but it's never smooth.... ;) And I'm generally not ... poised ... about things not going exactly right. Might I also suggest a "Controlling (your own) Temper Tantrums" course. Because there's another one that I could use some help with... Funny post.
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 16, 2014 at 8:42 pm

      Yes!! I definitely need a course in that. There will definitely be a 2nd and possibly 3rd installment of these courses. I have a few more in mind too. :)
      Reply
  10. Nicola Young says

    June 17, 2014 at 1:50 am

    Can the courses include wine and social adult time at the end?! Also, what about learning the art of decoding what each child is trying to say when all of them are talking at you at once? Learning to not to pull your hair out with frustration because of the constant nagging and nattering!
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 17, 2014 at 9:42 am

      Love it all. Yes to all of it.
      Reply
  11. cookie says

    June 17, 2014 at 6:30 am

    hehe. I'd take every freaking one of your classes, girl.
    Reply
  12. Tarana says

    June 17, 2014 at 7:04 am

    I'd love to join these classes! Wouldn't it be great if we were actually taught something useful like this in college?
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 17, 2014 at 9:42 am

      Absolutely!
      Reply
  13. Amanda Greathouse says

    June 17, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    This is so funny! I seriously laughed reading it because it's totally true! I'd love a class practicing carrying a squirmy toddler, a handful of groceries & a huge diaper bag while trying to fish the keys out while not dropping anything! ;)
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 17, 2014 at 3:16 pm

      That's a good one Amanda! I'll add it to my ever growing list of suggestions. I feel a second post coming soon. :)
      Reply
  14. Kimberly Murphy says

    June 17, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    Sonar Hearing - haha! Where can I sign up!? My husband travels a lot for work and I get so paranoid that someone is going to break in and kidnap my kids when I'm in the shower! Never mind that our dog barks when there's even a slight change of pace in the wind outside...
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 17, 2014 at 3:17 pm

      Ha! So, you are probably pretty safe that you are not in danger if the dog isn't barking. That's good at least. ;)
      Reply
  15. Eli@coachdaddy says

    June 17, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    1. I cannot enroll in these courses on account of my boy parts and chromosomes, so I would like to volunteer to be soccer coach at this school. "Fightin' Mamas" would make a mighty mascot, and blood red ought to be the school color. Many lessons will be learned as a mama that can be applied to the soccer pitch, and the other way, too. 2. I wish I could have a course on The Look. I have mastered it in traffic, an intimidating glare for tailgaters as they pass (it helps to be Hispanic, honestly). I even have a Look for wayward referees. But for my kids? They fear their mother, but not their father. I've tried 17 contortions to no avail. 3. I love this idea. It's blogging outside the box like this that just makes you want to share the smacks out of it. And link up. Definitely link up.
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 17, 2014 at 3:21 pm

      Thanks Eli!! You're so nice. And, do you always give such amazing comments?? The look. Yep, I'm adding that to my list. I've gotten quite a few suggestions for more courses, so there will definitely be a second installment of this post. :)
      Reply
  16. Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. says

    June 17, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    I am dying here! This is totally genius, Meredith. I snickered through the whole thing and had to share it! Kudos!
    Reply
  17. April says

    June 17, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    Love the list, but I'd have to add some old classics, like how to make a meal in 10 minutes while making sure that everyone has something they like and how to sew a costume the night before Halloween or class production, so your kid isn't the only one in something store bought.
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 17, 2014 at 4:16 pm

      Great ideas! I'm already compiling more class ideas from all the great comments. :) This is just the first installment of this post, for sure!
      Reply
  18. Megan Lisica says

    June 17, 2014 at 11:28 pm

    I would totally make this my next alma mater Awesome!!
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      June 18, 2014 at 1:23 pm

      Thanks Megan!
      Reply
  19. Jessie says

    June 19, 2014 at 10:52 am

    Fantastic plan. I think you should make sure to offer advanced classes as well. For instance talking on the phone 201. Learn to carry on a phone conversation AND making dinner with "helpers" at the same time!
    Reply
  20. Jhanis says

    September 8, 2014 at 8:34 am

    Okay, where do I sign up? I can bring snacks!
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      September 8, 2014 at 9:18 am

      Snacks are always good!
      Reply
  21. Chris Carter says

    September 8, 2014 at 8:51 am

    Oh how I wish I had those classes!!! You need to also start a Masters program for middle school and of course the PhD for High School. Oh the classes would fill FAST!!!
    Reply
    • Meredith says

      September 8, 2014 at 9:17 am

      I'm sure they would. I can't even think about the headache I will have when middle school rolls around! :)
      Reply
  22. Carin Kilby Clark says

    September 8, 2014 at 6:03 pm

    Hahahaha yes to ALL! Too funny. And so necessary!
    Reply
  23. Kristina Grum says

    September 8, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    I think I could have used ALL of these classes!
    Reply
  24. Kelly Sage says

    September 8, 2014 at 8:11 pm

    I think moms need a class in self care. So many mamas I know don't take time for themselves or put value on what they need. I think in order to take care of someone well, you have to take care of yourself.
    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Mom U. Now Offering Even More Courses to Save Your Sanity. | Perfection Pending says:
    June 23, 2014 at 5:00 am
    […] you missed my post last week, then you must check it out here. We’re still working out details like… Staffing. Who would actually be qualified to teach […]
    Reply
  2. Monthly Check-In: June - Our Blended Marriage says:
    June 27, 2014 at 5:04 am
    […] posts about parenting moments (that may or may not drive you crazy!). She is also debating starting her very own Mom U. You should go check it out and see what classes are planned, or even suggest your own […]
    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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