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By Meredith Ethington

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Blogging Encouragement In the Motherhood Inspiration Mental Health Parenting

Am I Real? The Question That Started “Mommy Blogging”

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I was always a deeply emotional child. If I had a dollar for every time I was told I was being too sensitive, or that I was overreacting, or that I needed to stop crying (or whining), I would be a bajillionaire.

As an adult, this part of me that felt all things big and small has been simultaneously a badge of honor and a curse. The beauty of being highly sensitive, emotive, or an empath is that I can deeply feel my friends’ feelings, my spouse’s, my kids’, the lady checking out ahead of me in the grocery store. I’m deeply tuned in to the nuances of human behavior.

It’s why I love people watching so much. It’s why I want to be a therapist.

The curse of being highly sensitive/emotional/empathic is that as a child, I wasn’t taught how to regulate emotionally.

No one was validating or sitting with my feelings on a regular basis. I would get hugs and affection and love. But, no one with any concrete skills for emotional regulation was raising me. So there I was as an adult that had all these big, big feelings she never learned how to deal with, and the result is that I had to reparent myself while also trying to raise my own children with no tools or skills to speak of.

For years, I thought I was sharing my story to help other moms.

That was genuine desire of my heart. But, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing as a parent anymore than the next person. So I have been writing into the void about my experience. I’ve been making memes joking about the craziness of motherhood and found solidarity when I voiced how hard it was.

Yet, I realized today what my real motive was. I can’t believe it took me this long.

I wanted to know if I was real.

2009 when I became a mom of two

I was listening to Episode 130 of We Can Do Hard Things (Glennon Doyle’s podcast) this morning and I had an aha moment that hit me out of nowhere. They were interviewing the famous Dr. Becky and the episode was talking about raising kids and learning to parent ourselves. I am kind of obsessed with attachment, and trauma, and parenting (so highly recommend this episode). But, what hit me was something I had never heard before and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Dr. Becky was speaking to how when you don’t validate a child’s emotions, it causes an existential crisis of sorts. Kids wonder if they are real if they have big emotions and no one is validating those or seeing them.

Validating a child’s emotions (and I’d argue an adult’s too) is a way that we can help them know that they are real.

They matter.

Their emotions are valid.

They are not broken or abnormal or a non-human being.

They are real.

So often as a child, when I had these big emotions, I was seeking the answer to the question, Am I Real?

Of course I was real. I mean, our logical brains know that if we are living and breathing we’re real. But, perhaps our emotional brains need a little more reassurance. Especially when we’re children.

Yet, so often, my big emotions around just existing and being this highly emotional, highly sensitive child were not validated, or seen as real.

Instead, as parents we use gaslighting as a parenting strategy.

I didn’t come up with that – they said it in the podcast, but boy did that hit me hard. And, this is not to dis my own parents for my not validating my emotions or even seeing them. I’m guilty because I’ve done the same things with my kids and their feelings. My instinct when feelings get big is to say:

Stop crying.

It’s not scary! It’s fiiine.

C’mon. It’s no big deal.

So this kid who had all these big feelings and altruistic motives grew up into an adult who had kids and didn’t know what the hell she was doing.

The result?

I became a mom blogger.

Makes total sense doesn’t it? Because who wouldn’t want to listen to me, the emotionally dysregulated new parent talk about new motherhood?

Well, it turns out that people did want to hear what I had to say. And now I know why. Because they wanted to know if they were real too.

Motherhood threw me into an experience where my emotions were all over the place and I was conditioned to believe I was supposed to love and cherish, and enjoy every second of it.

But, the honest truth was – I didn’t. I mean, yes I loved some of it. Parts of it. A lot of it, really. But, I also had negative feelings and thoughts and experiences around it, too. Not very many people were talking about those. I rarely heard people say that it felt impossible some days, or that they questioned if they were ever supposed to be a mother.

So, I started writing about it.

I’ve always said writing has helped me just as must as it’s helped other people, and now I know why.

I wanted to know that I was real.

I needed my audience of struggling mothers to tell me that it was OK that I was struggling because they were struggling too. I craved knowing that my feelings of anxiety and depression and worry and fear and sadness and angst around being a mother were normal.

I needed someone to validate that I wasn’t alone.

I needed to know that my motherhood experience was real. I needed to know that I was real.

I needed to reach out into the internet void and have a proverbial hand reach back and grab mine and say, “Don’t worry. Motherhood IS hard. This IS real. You ARE enough even with these big, big feelings.”

I suspect many women that read mommy blogs back in the day, and many women that follow me now want to know the same thing about their experience with parenting:

Am I real? Which really means – Am I OK? Am I doing this right? Is this what it’s supposed to be?

For all these years of writing about parenting online and being a “mom blogger” I thought I just wanted to support other moms. I did. I do. I absolutely do.

But, I realized today that my existential crisis was the motivating factor in all of it.

I needed to know that my messy, unpredictable, anxiety inducing experience as a mom was like someone else’s.

That little child still within me that wondered all the time if she was real, or enough with all those big emotions, still needed to know if she is real now.

Am I the mom? Am I the one that’s supposed to know how to do this? Are these feelings normal?

Perhaps a lot of your favorite mom bloggers are really just willing to put their existential crisis out into the universe in the hopes that the universe gives something back to them.

The answer we’re all searching for in this parenting journey.

Am I the mom? Am I the one that’s supposed to know how to do this? Are these feelings normal?

Am I real?

I realized today that was perhaps the motive all those years ago behind why I became a “mommy blogger.” I was really just having an existential crisis.

And I finally have the answer for all of us.

You are good. You are enough. This is hard. It’s going to be OK. You are normal. You might be screwing some things up, but they’ll forgive you. You are a good mom.

Yes, you are real.


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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

Perfection Pending on Instagram

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Meredith Ethington
I see nothing wrong here. I see nothing wrong here.
Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ik Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ikeahack #jokesfordays
This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At s This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At some point it got passed down to one of her grandchildren. Then it made its way to my house and all three of my kids have used it too. 
My middle decided he was done with it and I had no idea what to do with it. It’s almost an antique at this point and I knew my mom felt sentimental about it. It’s heavy and tiny but it has good bones as they say. 
My mom lives too far away to come get it and the grandkids are all getting too big to want this desk in their rooms. 
I walked around my little house looking for a spot for it. There really isn’t one. 
Could it be an end table? Or swapped out for an entry table? 
But then I walked into my bedroom and saw this bare wall. It’s not ideal. My husband will hate it. But I’ve been thinking that I needed a study spot in my house (in a room with a door that shuts and locks) since I’m in school again at 46 years old. 
I’m hilariously too big for this little desk but also it seems just fine for sitting and writing papers. 
The older I get, the more I realize that this life is short and I’m sure it will make my mom happy to know I’m not only hanging onto this desk a little while longer but it’s going to be used for actual school work again instead of hoarding useless scraps of paper, half filled notebooks and dull crayons no one has touched in years. 
I’m breathing life back into this desk for a few more years and it seems symbolic of my taking something old (me) and using it for something new (becoming a therapist). 
I’m not super sentimental about furniture but I’m sentimental about the people that I love. 
She loves this desk so I guess I’ll love it a little longer on her behalf. ❤️
🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: 🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: "I feel depressed that it’s back, when I had been handling things so well.
I feel hopeless that although I know it will end, that it will come back again.
I feel embarrassed that I’m sometimes mean to the ones I love most.
I feel like I want to give up.
I feel tired.
I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest thing.
I feel alone. I feel like I’m literally the only one feeling that way in that moment even though I know I’m not deep down. But, anxiety makes me feel like that.
I feel like I just would be better off if I could disappear."
First day back after a week long vacay to the fun First day back after a week long vacay to the fun of carpool and the reality of being a responsible adult is kicking my boot-ay. Can you tell? 😅
Yup. 😂 @themumcrew Yup. 😂 @themumcrew
Best thrift find ever. 😂 Best thrift find ever. 😂
Mental health matters. ❤️ Mental health matters. ❤️
You get the full tour if you’re my friend. You get the full tour if you’re my friend.
Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑 Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑
Just like building muscles in our body, to have go Just like building muscles in our body, to have good mental health we need to build muscles in our brains as well. What does that look like? 

For me, it often looks like practicing things that make me uncomfortable. 
Saying no. Setting boundaries. Sitting in discomfort with feelings I don't like. Being OK if someone is mad at me. Learning to validate MYSELF. You get the idea. 
But, really it can be anything that you need to work on but makes you feel REALLY uncomfortable. So much so that it feels like your brain is literally rejecting it. If you want to build that muscle in your brain that is OK with disappointing people in favor of your own mental health, you have to treat it like muscle building in your body. 

1. Do it often enough. 
2. Start small, and work your way up. 
3. Go heavy when you're ready. 

Practicing it often enough is really when you're going to get big results. Soon you'll get used to those negative feelings that come along with telling someone no and knowing they're disappointed. You'll build up endurance to tolerate the feelings and be able to sit with them and let them go. And finally, it will become second nature to you to do all those things you didn't think you could do. Just like strength training for a marathon - consider strength training for your mind. 

One thing I'm working on is telling myself I'm OK. I struggle with seeking validation from others when really I need to be seeking validation from myself. Because MYSELF is good, worthy, and OK 99% of the time. 

What are you practicing right now? I'd love to hear if this is true for you.
Love this so much. @nellie_scales Love this so much. @nellie_scales
If you’ve loved anything I’ve written, conside If you’ve loved anything I’ve written, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber on Substack where you won’t miss any of my posts. Here’s the latest - link in profile. 

#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #mentalhealthawareness #stopthestigmamentalillness
For the moms fighting all the battles no one sees. For the moms fighting all the battles no one sees. My latest on substack. ❤️ Link in profile
Truth right here. Truth right here.
Same girl, same. Same girl, same.
Yep. 😂 @sixfootcandy Yep. 😂 @sixfootcandy
Sounds about right. @theimpatientsloth Sounds about right. @theimpatientsloth
My newest post. I hope you’ll read it. Link to S My newest post. I hope you’ll read it. Link to Substack in profile.
😂😂 @fiftyfirsttates 😂😂 @fiftyfirsttates
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