Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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Be Brave Guest Post Series Guest Bloggers Guest Post Motherhood Parenting Perfection

Owning My Imperfection

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Today, I have a guest post from one of my favorite bloggers, Michelle from What I’ve Learned for Now. She is one of those writers that instantly makes you laugh, feel like you aren’t alone, and gives you candid glimpses into her life raising two little boys. She is also very good at leaving comments that make you feel like you’re not as crazy as you think you are. I like her a lot, and I’m so glad I get to share her with you today! She’s one of those people that I’ve never met, but would easily call a kindred spirit. If I talked like Anne Shirley, that is. Enjoy! 

***************

I’m very lucky today to be guest posting over at Meredith’s place, Perfection Pending. In this vast and obscure blogging world, it is so rare that you find another writer who you connect with through their blog, and even more rare when that person makes such an effort to connect with her readers in other ways. I’ve found this in Meredith, as I’m sure many, many others have as well, so when she was looking for fellow bloggers to guest post for her Be Brave Series, I immediately jumped at the chance to help her out. Please go visit her and learn about how confused and boring she is and how well she does at letting her kids just be.

Thanks for having me today.

********************************

“If you were a ‘perfect’ mother, your children would have no room to grow”.

Gosh, I miss my therapist. Why did she have to retire? She only looked 78 years old.

I was pregnant with my first son, and despite having planned his conception and wanting him more than anything else in the world, I was feeling terrified that I wasn’t ready to be a parent and wasn’t going to be a very good mother. She said those words and I have held on to them ever since.

My boys are going to be giants.

We all want to be the perfect mother to our children. I have yet to meet someone who wanted to bear children for the sole purpose of messing them up. On the contrary, we set out to fix all of the horrific, reprehensible and obvious mistakes our own parents made. “Thank goodness”, we think to ourselves, “we are so much smarter an self-aware than they are and won’t make the same mistakes, right? I mean, seriously, how hard is it???”

And then we have babies and quickly realize, the joke is on us.

Because I swear, I mess up on a daily basis. I scold one kid because I think he’s the one who spilled water all over the kitchen floor, only to realize later that the dishwasher is leaking. Oopsy. (Of course you can have ice cream for dinner honey!)

For the 77th time, my kids interrupt my phone call and I get snippy with them, only to see that all they wanted to do was give me a picture they drew of us on the swing set. (Oh, thank you delivery man, just set the Lifetime of Guilt over there on the dining room table please).

It took me a year and a half of battling with my youngest son Bozo over his pants for me to finally buy him a handful of some soft sweatpants, therein putting the fights to a complete stop. Ugh! Why didn’t I think of this 18 months ago!?!?!?!

plantsWith plants, there is a process called Phototropism, in which they naturally and innately turn toward the sun. If conditions aren’t perfect, they find a way to foster their own growth. cacti know water is scarce and so conserve it for months at a time.

This is what I think of when my therapist told me that if I were the “perfect” mother, my children would have no room to grow. They would not tap into their own innate strengths and flourish.

I’m wondering if messing up is actually a huge part of being a parent, a necessary part of being a parent, although one that I have a hard time accepting. Because in a nutshell, we are simply humans trying to raise other humans, and it’s a messy, messy business.

I am so far from the perfect mother I had set out to be. In the beginning, when I would lose my patience and yell or just get snippy with them, I would beat myself up all night long. I would peek in on them sleeping, looking like little angels, and determine that I am in fact the worse mom ever. How could I possibly lose my cool with the little cherub who is sleeping in his favorite angry bird shirt, while wearing hockey gloves and clutching his baby doll?

IMG_2273“What is wrong with me?” was a question I asked myself often.

Now, a few years later, I’m a bit easier on myself. A bit. I’m learning that as a human being, I have my limits. And I’m learning that it is, in fact, good for my children to realize that I have my limits. I’m not some emotionless android who can take years and years of tantrums and messes and back-talk and not get fed up once in a while, or who can respond to any given situation in the perfectly calm and patient way that I pictured myself doing. I’m a mom who didn’t get a whole lot of sleep last night, who works at a job 4 days a week, needs to remember to sign the permission slip to the field trip next week and to pack their lunches and re-schedule their dentist appointments and try to find a sitter for Saturday night and still tries hard to read to them each night before bed.

While I’m slowly but surely getting better at accepting my flaws as a human being and a mother, it’s not without some hard work. I still try hard everyday to be more patient, take more time to play UNO with them (even though I’ve explained that you cannot put a Blue 5 on top of a Red7!?!?), to hold on to my own anxiety and not lay it in their lap (like I did here), and to let them know that it’s okay that they’re not perfect either.

It takes a lot of bravery to be a mother. Especially a mother who doesn’t shy away from acknowledging her flaws, but tries to accept them and do the best she can each day.

roar

 

Michelle is a mom of two young boys who are incredibly good at imitating the sound a chain saw makes. During dinner. When things are quiet, she sits at her computer writing all that she is learning about life as a wife, mother and how to be aT-Rex who pretends to eat squealing little boys. To get a glimpse of what she’s really like, read about her fear of blood and being a daddy’s girl.


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Comments

  1. zeudytigre says

    March 29, 2014 at 2:49 am

    This is beautiful. Such a positive take on mothering mess ups.

    Reply
  2. Michelle says

    March 29, 2014 at 7:55 am

    Thanks for reading:)

    Reply
  3. kerri says

    March 29, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    Thanks for easing the burden – a great phrase to remember.

    Reply
  4. Michelle says

    March 29, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    Thanks for reading Kerri:)

    Reply
  5. Katie @ My Daily Crumbs says

    March 29, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    What a great article! I like to say I’ve been perfecting my parenting imperfections since 2006. I’m human. Who happens to be a mom too. I’m finally realizing it’s ok to screw up. I freely apologize to my kids when I’m a jerk. Because I don’t like jerks and I don’t want my kids thinking it’s cool to unconditionally love a jerk who never takes responsibility for it.

    I think you’re doing a bang up job not being a jerk. Thanks for sharing a piece of you.

    ~ Katie

    Reply
  6. Michelle says

    March 30, 2014 at 5:27 am

    Oooh, I like that…..teaching them it’s not ok to unconditionally love a jerk without them taking responsibility for it….that is good. Thanks for reading today:)

    Reply
  7. Shelley Sackier says

    March 30, 2014 at 9:33 am

    Firstly, Meredith, what a fabulous blog and it’s likely I will be stuck on pause with any needed work today simply for the fact that there’s much to explore and read on your site!
    Secondly, Michelle, what a beautiful post. I am so moved by your words and your insight into parenting. Yes, we all struggle with the same guilt and monumental efforts it requires to get through the day (and night), attempting to fashion the least destructive way to raise our children, but your ability to put into words what we all feel was wholly perfect. Kudos to you, your words and all your energetic endeavors to raise those beautiful boys. You can bet your bottom dollar they are going to be a wonderful reflection of your love and devotion to them.
    Cheers! 🙂

    Reply
  8. Michelle says

    March 31, 2014 at 7:24 am

    My goodness Sally, that might be one of the most uplifting comments I’ve gotten! Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to read:)

    Reply
  9. Michelle says

    March 31, 2014 at 7:27 am

    I meant Shelley…..your first and last name got confused in my head AND I’m trying to type with a huge bandage on my middle finger…..so please accept my apologies:))))

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

Perfection Pending on Instagram

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Meredith Ethington
Is anyone else like this? #dietcokeaddict #pebblei Is anyone else like this? #dietcokeaddict #pebbleice #adhd #momlifebelike
Hello friends, it’s me. Meredith. Here are a f Hello friends, it’s me. Meredith. 

Here are a few things I’d tell you if I could call you all up: 

❤️ It’s ok to say no to things.

❤️ Your kiddos don’t need perfection - they need real. Emotional, Messy, flawed, etc. It helps them know their emotions are valid. 

❤️ Having anxiety or depression does not mean you’re an inadequate parent. 

❤️ Never be ashamed of asking for help or going on medication if necessary. 

❤️Kids can be draining. Take time for yourself. I promise you’ll be able to be a better, more present parent if you do this. 

❤️ Boundaries are your friend. People that make you feel like you’re not enough are not. 

Hang in there. It doesn’t get easier - like at all. But you get stronger.
I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process feelings of never measuring up and feeling lIke someone else would do it better than me. 
I don’t feel like this very often anymore. But I know that there are plenty of mothers out there that do. You aren’t alone. 
The experience of Motherhood is definitely something that humbles even the most confident mothers. 
I wasn’t one to have much confidence once I began but I got there eventually. 
If you’re in this headspace of wondering if you’re enough I’m here to tell you:
1. You are. 
2. This is NORMAL. 
3. This post is for you. 
Read it on my substack now and consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. ❤️ It supports me as I hopefully support you.
I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored
I see nothing wrong here. I see nothing wrong here.
Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ik Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ikeahack #jokesfordays
This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At s This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At some point it got passed down to one of her grandchildren. Then it made its way to my house and all three of my kids have used it too. 
My middle decided he was done with it and I had no idea what to do with it. It’s almost an antique at this point and I knew my mom felt sentimental about it. It’s heavy and tiny but it has good bones as they say. 
My mom lives too far away to come get it and the grandkids are all getting too big to want this desk in their rooms. 
I walked around my little house looking for a spot for it. There really isn’t one. 
Could it be an end table? Or swapped out for an entry table? 
But then I walked into my bedroom and saw this bare wall. It’s not ideal. My husband will hate it. But I’ve been thinking that I needed a study spot in my house (in a room with a door that shuts and locks) since I’m in school again at 46 years old. 
I’m hilariously too big for this little desk but also it seems just fine for sitting and writing papers. 
The older I get, the more I realize that this life is short and I’m sure it will make my mom happy to know I’m not only hanging onto this desk a little while longer but it’s going to be used for actual school work again instead of hoarding useless scraps of paper, half filled notebooks and dull crayons no one has touched in years. 
I’m breathing life back into this desk for a few more years and it seems symbolic of my taking something old (me) and using it for something new (becoming a therapist). 
I’m not super sentimental about furniture but I’m sentimental about the people that I love. 
She loves this desk so I guess I’ll love it a little longer on her behalf. ❤️
🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: 🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: "I feel depressed that it’s back, when I had been handling things so well.
I feel hopeless that although I know it will end, that it will come back again.
I feel embarrassed that I’m sometimes mean to the ones I love most.
I feel like I want to give up.
I feel tired.
I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest thing.
I feel alone. I feel like I’m literally the only one feeling that way in that moment even though I know I’m not deep down. But, anxiety makes me feel like that.
I feel like I just would be better off if I could disappear."
First day back after a week long vacay to the fun First day back after a week long vacay to the fun of carpool and the reality of being a responsible adult is kicking my boot-ay. Can you tell? 😅
Yup. 😂 @themumcrew Yup. 😂 @themumcrew
Best thrift find ever. 😂 Best thrift find ever. 😂
Mental health matters. ❤️ Mental health matters. ❤️
You get the full tour if you’re my friend. You get the full tour if you’re my friend.
Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑 Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑
Just like building muscles in our body, to have go Just like building muscles in our body, to have good mental health we need to build muscles in our brains as well. What does that look like? 

For me, it often looks like practicing things that make me uncomfortable. 
Saying no. Setting boundaries. Sitting in discomfort with feelings I don't like. Being OK if someone is mad at me. Learning to validate MYSELF. You get the idea. 
But, really it can be anything that you need to work on but makes you feel REALLY uncomfortable. So much so that it feels like your brain is literally rejecting it. If you want to build that muscle in your brain that is OK with disappointing people in favor of your own mental health, you have to treat it like muscle building in your body. 

1. Do it often enough. 
2. Start small, and work your way up. 
3. Go heavy when you're ready. 

Practicing it often enough is really when you're going to get big results. Soon you'll get used to those negative feelings that come along with telling someone no and knowing they're disappointed. You'll build up endurance to tolerate the feelings and be able to sit with them and let them go. And finally, it will become second nature to you to do all those things you didn't think you could do. Just like strength training for a marathon - consider strength training for your mind. 

One thing I'm working on is telling myself I'm OK. I struggle with seeking validation from others when really I need to be seeking validation from myself. Because MYSELF is good, worthy, and OK 99% of the time. 

What are you practicing right now? I'd love to hear if this is true for you.
Love this so much. @nellie_scales Love this so much. @nellie_scales
If you’ve loved anything I’ve written, conside If you’ve loved anything I’ve written, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber on Substack where you won’t miss any of my posts. Here’s the latest - link in profile. 

#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #mentalhealthawareness #stopthestigmamentalillness
For the moms fighting all the battles no one sees. For the moms fighting all the battles no one sees. My latest on substack. ❤️ Link in profile
Truth right here. Truth right here.
Same girl, same. Same girl, same.
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