Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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In the Motherhood

Pull the Thingamajigr!!

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*They were both in this box, and I heard a little person say, “Hurry, pull the thingamajgr!” (That’s how she spelled it on the box). Moments like this make me happy.

I’m not sure I can write this post without sounding a little judgmental.

I sent my two older kids to school this morning and I breathed a tiny sigh of relief, but also was a little sad to send them back. Mostly because I will miss not having to get out of bed at a certain time every day.

Anyway, so, I decided to take advantage of just having one kid with me, and I went to the grocery store. One kids seems like a breeze now. As I was checking out, I heard this awful kid scream. You know, the kind where you whip your head around to see who is abusing their child? Well, across the store, I heard this dad (I’m assuming) yelling at a toddler to come to him. Meanwhile, the toddler is somewhere where I can’t see him screaming his head off still. About what, I’m not sure.

I tried not to stare and looked at my happy baby in the shopping cart and was happy that it wasn’t me. My first thought whenever I see a kid throwing a tantrum in a store is, “That poor parent”. And, I try really really hard not to judge.

But, then I got out to the parking lot.

As I was loading my groceries into my car, I see this man (probably 20 something) with the above mentioned toddler and he is now in a stroller, but obviously still upset. Tears are streaming down his tiny face and he is sobbing. The man is obviously pissed. He is yelling at this little boy to shut up over and over. And, he is talking to him in such a hateful way that it makes my skin crawl.

I wanted to run over and snatch that little boy away and take him home with me and tell him that it’s OK. He’s wonderful. He is precious, and sweet, and adorable. Something told me this kid doesn’t hear that kind of talk too much.

I watched as the man circled back over to where I was, and got to his car. Sitting in the car were 3 other twenty something men. Thugs. I mean, I don’t know if they were REALLY thugs, but the looks on their faces….I don’t know, they just looked thuggish. And, the fact that they were all looking thuggish made me sad this little boy was stuck with them all day.

Now, I don’t know this guy’s story. I don’t know the story of the thugs either. But, I know that speaking to a child the way he was speaking to his kid is harmful. It damages their innocent spirit inside them. I couldn’t help but hurt for that little boy and think he was destined for similar thug-like behavior.

But, then I thought, “We all have a cycle to break.”

Who knows, maybe that is the only way he was ever spoken to as a child.

The one I am desperately trying to break is that same behavior I saw in that man. Except, not nearly to the extreme. I have never yelled shut up at my kids. I try really hard to watch my tone in public. And, I’m trying even harder to watch my tone at home.

When no one is watching.

But, there is always a cycle. I was raised with yelling in my house. It was normal. But, I don’t want to raise my kids in a house like that.

But, kids are kids. They annoy you. They ignore you. They don’t obey. They make messes on accident and on purpose. They start to lie. They learn to manipulate. They know your hot buttons and they learn to push them. They have strong wills. They say mean things. They act out just to see your reaction. Need I go on?

I think parenting isn’t about what we teach our kids as much as what we need to learn as parents. I would even go as far as saying that parents (no offense to my child-less friends out there who are really good people) are being trained by their kids to become better members of society in general.

But, you have to do the work. Because, not all parents are good parents.

And, it’s a lot of work. Every. Single. Day.

If I had a way of measuring the amount of restraint I’ve used in my 6 years of being a parent…. The level of patience I’ve acquired…. The selfless love I’m still learning to use effectively. I would probably feel a lot better about myself.

But, unfortunately, there is no voice telling us, “Congratulations, Meredith! You are now 25% more patient than you were last year thanks to the horrible temper tantrum you just endured by your 3 year old in the grocery store with grace and style” Because there is no such thing. A tangible measure of good parenting doesn’t exist.

All we have are those little faces looking back at us. Are they happy? Do they smile more than they cry? Do they say, “I love you, Mommy” even when they don’t need or want something? Are they becoming good people themselves? When they aren’t being bratty at home, are they being kind to someone else? Do people ever tell us that our kids are so well behaved? Do they spend hours drawing on boxes and playing together happily in them?

If we can answer yes to any of those. Then, MAYBE, just maybe, we are doing alright.


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Comments

  1. breathe16 says

    January 8, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    I agree that becoming parents changes us so much, and if we are able to reflect then yes, parenting can definitely makes us better citizens. I know my level of patience and empathy and kindness have grown so much in the last year. I wish I had a report card though, too, to let me know by how much. Also, an ‘areas for improvement’ section would be helpful too!

    I think there’s a lot of pressure NOT to comment on other people’s parenting, ever, no matter what they seem to be doing (except in the case of extreme abuse). But having empathy for a toddler like the one in your post is not judgment, it’s just empathy for a fellow human being who is suffering. I guess what I’m getting at is, do we as a society feel that parents are in some priviliged category, above scrutiny in almost all cases? I know what you mean though because every toddler melts down so no, we can’t and shouldn’t judge a parent, but we can easily be in tune with another’s suffering, and that’s not judgment.

    Reply
  2. Amy says

    January 12, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    But wouldn’t it be nice if we had a little encouraging narrator???!! I know on some of my toughest days parenting, that might pull me through… 🙂

    Reply
    • fakingpictureperfect says

      January 12, 2013 at 7:31 pm

      Yes it would!!!

      Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Meredith Ethington

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
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Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

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New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
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I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

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But, the loss of yourself in motherhood is real. And It’s not talked about enough." 

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Here’s what I do know 👇 No one knows what th Here’s what I do know 👇

No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
Our kids love us anyway. 
We’re all going to be OK. 
You’ve got this (as much as any of us do) 😘

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"By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to "By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to avoid being human." 

Do you struggle with perfectionism? Parenthood has helped me quite a bit, but It's something I've battled my whole life. I still struggle occasionally, although it's gotten better. But, let's stop trying to avoid being human and instead embrace ourselves an in turn embrace the entire human race. ❤️ I'd love to hear how you embrace being imperfect. 

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Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
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