I’ve been trying to decide what I want to do with this blog now that I have switched it to wordpress. I love blogging about my kids, and sharing pictures with friends and family (how this blog got started in the first place), but at the same time, I sometimes want a little more. I want to be more open and honest, and not just show all the happy moments, or make it sound like my life is perfect. That’s kind of why when I switched from my previous blog to here, I chose a different name. I loved the idea of FPP because sometimes I feel like that is what my life is. Pretending I don’t need help. Pretending everything is ok all the time to outsiders. Only those who are my immediate family know me. My weaknesses. My insecurities. And, some might argue, why do you want that out there for everyone to see? I’m not sure why. But, I do want to connect with other people that are like me because sometimes I feel alone.
I have been struggling lately with anxiety. My husband has been telling me for a couple of years that he thinks I have an anxiety disorder. And, this is during serious conversations. I probably do. I have never been to a therapist though. I have taken anti-depressents once to help with the anxiety. It did help, but there were side effects that I hated. I am open about that, and don’t mind sharing that with people. Since I was very young, I remember anxious thoughts. I remember being my Mom’s “worrier”. I remember thinking about things that were irrational. I remember feeling scared a lot. More so than I remember my siblings being scared.
So, it has always been a part of me. And, I worry (no pun intended) that my worry has erased the good stuff.
But, lately, it has become a bigger part of my life. Fear. Irrational thoughts. Panic Attacks. It seems that becoming a Mom has made things a little worse. Or becoming older has? I’m not sure. I could blame it on a lot of things, but what good is that? Instead, I want to solve the problem. Because it has impacted my life negatively. My marriage. My parenting.
Here’s the deal. When things are good. I’m great. I am happy. Productive. I want to be social. I feel like I can do anything. But, when a snag happens. Like a kid getting sick (one of my biggest hurdles…sounds like a normal part of life, I know). I freeze.
It’s like I am stuck in the fear and can’t get out. And, literally, I don’t want to move. I want to just sit and wait for it to be over. I don’t want to clean my house, or go anywhere, I overanalyze until I just can’t anymore. I cry. My heart pounds. I feel like I can’t breathe.
Then, when it is over? I feel guilt. And, that is the worst part. Because I can see that my behavior wasn’t rational. I can see that I made everyone around me miserable. I feel guilt that I can’t just be normal. I can’t stop myself in the moment. That is when you know you have a problem. And, I am a member of a religion that I love and believe, but I feel like there is this unspoken law that we all have to seem perfect to each other. Especially the young moms like myself (at 35 do I still fall into that category?) So, it makes me feel like if I was just more spiritual, or just more “in tune”, I wouldn’t have these problems. That makes it even harder. And, sometimes I want to talk about it and know that I am “normal”, but then that fear creeps in that I will be judged, or isolated. Or someone I absolutely DON’T want to talk about it with will find out. Writing this out is even scary to me.
But, you see, the good moments trick you into thinking you can control it. But, this last time I was in an anxiety freeze (I guess that is what I will call it), my husband (in his amazing, gentle way) told me that I needed help. He didn’t care what I did to fix the problem, but he will be supportive in whatever method I choose. Whether it is to read a book, go to therapy, see a doctor, etc. He just wants me to get help and fix it. And, so do I. I’m just not sure how just yet.