Perfection Pending

Stories of Perfectly Real Moms

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The Anxious Mormon Mom

I’ve been trying to decide what I want to do with this blog now that I have switched it to wordpress. I love blogging about my kids, and sharing pictures with friends and family (how this blog got started in the first place), but at the same time, I sometimes want a little more. I want to be more open and honest, and not just show all the happy moments, or make it sound like my life is perfect. That’s kind of why when I switched from my previous blog to here, I chose a different name. I loved the idea of FPP because sometimes I feel like that is what my life is. Pretending I don’t need help. Pretending everything is ok all the time to outsiders. Only those who are my immediate family know me. My weaknesses. My insecurities. And, some might argue, why do you want that out there for everyone to see? I’m not sure why. But, I do want to connect with other people that are like me because sometimes I feel alone.

I have been struggling lately with anxiety. My husband has been telling me for a couple of years that he thinks I have an anxiety disorder. And, this is during serious conversations. I probably do. I have never been to a therapist though. I have taken anti-depressents once to help with the anxiety. It did help, but there were side effects that I hated. I am open about that, and don’t mind sharing that with people. Since I was very young, I remember anxious thoughts. I remember being my Mom’s “worrier”. I remember thinking about things that were irrational. I remember feeling scared a lot. More so than I remember my siblings being scared.

FDay 002

circa 1980? That’s me sitting indian style.

So, it has always been a part of me. And, I worry (no pun intended) that my worry has erased the good stuff.

But, lately, it has become a bigger part of my life. Fear. Irrational thoughts. Panic Attacks. It seems that becoming a Mom has made things a little worse. Or becoming older has? I’m not sure. I could blame it on a lot of things, but what good is that? Instead, I want to solve the problem. Because it has impacted my life negatively. My marriage. My parenting.

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July 2012. Love being a Mom. And, love this little monkey on my back. 🙂

Here’s the deal. When things are good. I’m great. I am happy. Productive. I want to be social. I feel like I can do anything. But, when a snag happens. Like a kid getting sick (one of my biggest hurdles…sounds like a normal part of life, I know). I freeze.

It’s like I am stuck in the fear and can’t get out. And, literally, I don’t want to move. I want to just sit and wait for it to be over. I don’t want to clean my house, or go anywhere, I overanalyze until I just can’t anymore. I cry. My heart pounds. I feel like I can’t breathe.

Then, when it is over? I feel guilt. And, that is the worst part. Because I can see that my behavior wasn’t rational. I can see that I made everyone around me miserable. I feel guilt that I can’t just be normal. I can’t stop myself in the moment. That is when you know you have a problem. And, I am a member of a religion that I love and believe, but I feel like there is this unspoken law that we all have to seem perfect to each other. Especially the young moms like myself (at 35 do I still fall into that category?) So, it makes me feel like if I was just more spiritual, or just more “in tune”, I wouldn’t have these problems.  That makes it even harder. And, sometimes I want to talk about it and know that I am “normal”, but then that fear creeps in that I will be judged, or isolated. Or someone I absolutely DON’T want to talk about it with will find out. Writing this out is even scary to me.

But, you see, the good moments trick you into thinking you can control it. But, this last time I was in an anxiety freeze (I guess that is what I will call it), my husband (in his amazing, gentle way) told me that I needed help. He didn’t care what I did to fix the problem, but he will be supportive in whatever method I choose. Whether it is to read a book, go to therapy, see a doctor, etc. He just wants me to get help and fix it. And, so do I. I’m just not sure how just yet.

Comments

  1. Good for you to have the courage to write about how anxiety can make yours and your loved ones lives go on "tilt." There are several ways to go about getting help. You've tried the anti-depressants, were they the anti-depressants that had anti-anxiety properties? There are also drugs for anxiety without depression. You may want to explore therapy, which will probably have you working with someone who uses Cognitive Behavioral interventions, since these are the most compatible with measurement and insurance reimbursement. Usually we suffer anxiety when we run into situations where we believe we have little control. It sounds as though your belief system about your ability to provide some sort of controlling safeguards is a little off-center. Working with someone who works with you to help correct that part of your beliefs about control would be most helpful. Drugs may reduce the immediate reaction, but then you begin to believe that you need your drugs to contend with the issues of living. Not good. A combination of drugs (if needed) and working on your beliefs would be most helpful. All of this to be supportive to your reaching out to someone (it's okay to use the "sisterhood" to find someone, a friend always knows someone who knows someone). Be gentle with yourself---Barb
    Reply

  2. Oh man - TOTALLY been there as I think maybe you will remember. Anxiety is so debilitating. It's absolutely crippling. I had postpartum (& prenatal) depression and anxiety. I tried talk therapy (not consistently) & took Zoloft for over a year. I tried weaning off of it and every with every attempt the return of anxiety sent me back to it. I have been completely off of it now for a few weeks with some (manageable) anxiety. My doctor says it may be a lifelong battle and I may find myself on and off antidepressants, and that that's ok. I'm going with that plan for now. Hugs. You're not crazy. There are more of us than you think.
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    • Thanks Eliza. I do remember you blogging about that. I heard about a therapy that I want to try...will let you know. :) But, it is something that runs on my mom's side of the family, so I know it will be a lifelong battle for me too. I just need to find ways to cope.
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  3. I highly recommend that you read a book called The Emotion Code. It's written by an LDS doctor, Dr. Bradley Nelson, who has had amazing results helping people with all kinds of health issues, physical, mental, or otherwise. He explains that any really intense emotions we experience in our lives will tend to become trapped in our bodies as negative emotional energy-- this gives us the tendency to feel more of those same emotions over time, and to experience them with greater intensity over time (i.e. emotional baggage). Over the course of an anxious/worried life you could have hundreds of occurrences of the same emotion (anxiety, fear, etc) trapped in your body, which would make it almost impossible not to feel that way at times. Everyone has some emotional baggage (some of it is inherited), some people have more than others, and releasing that emotional baggage frees us to a large degree from the tendency to feel those emotions/fears/anxieties/etc. The process of releasing that baggage is relatively easy. You definitely shouldn't feel like you're the only one dealing with these kinds of issues. Medication doesn't remove the cause of anxiety, only does it's best to cover it up, plus there's side effects as you've mentioned. Btw, I'm not in any way connected to his practice or making money from it, just someone who cares and has seen his work help people tremendously, it works. I feel the techniques he has provided to heal us from emotional baggage are heaven-sent. The great thing about it is you can learn to treat yourself. Check out this video where the doctor explains more: http://www.healerslibrary.com/emotion_code/emotion-code-webinar-dr-bradley-nelson-2/
    Reply

  4. I'm a awful worrier too! I went through a stage of having horrid panic attacks but I seem to be able to control them now I just said to myself no we are ok and I got through it. There is light at the end of the tunnel! I just remeber a post a while back when a lady was sad that her house was empty all her kids had flown the nest and I thourght I'm going to enjoy this and not let things get to me. Talk to your friends and family they will be a great help to you. xxxxx
    Reply

    • It's true. That does help. But sometimes I feel like not everyone can understand completely unless they experience. Even some of my family members that I consider my best friends that I know love me the most don't quite get how it affects me. But, I know it is not hopeless. :) And, one day, they will be grown and I will miss the chaos that stresses me out so much.
      Reply

  5. It is really easy to think that everyone else has it together, but actually no one does. Or do they? See. We all have these doubts. I think that by coming out with your anxieties and your desire to get better will be helpful for you and others who feel like they also need to 'fake picture perfect.' This post has made me, and probably others, reflect on how honest we want to be with our writing. Because only in being truly honest can we have real conversations with people and really get help with whatever is troubling us. I hope that you will be able to find a greater sense of peace by using whatever form of help you decide on.
    Reply

  6. I think putting yourself out there like this is very brave! Good for you. There is too much judginess among moms, and I have never understood that. I don't know why we must judge each other so wildly for our flaws when, really, we all have our faults, our hangups and our burdens to bear. Shouldn't we support each other? As it happens, I am kind of the opposite of you- it is the daily, normal grind that makes me fall behind. If we have a normal week with little or no plans and everything goes to routine, I lose all motivation to clean, do laundry, plan meals, pick up... I think because I don't have any particular reason to. Nothing to get ready for. But if I have deadlines, or company coming, or a sick kid, or some sort of minor house emergency, or what have you, that's when I CAN handle myself and do what needs to be done. Now, if only I could share with you a little from column A, and you could share with me a little from column B... we could be perfect!! ;-)
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  7. Oh my! I could have almost written this myself! This is also a reason I started blogging. I love your term "anxiety freeze" because I've been looking for something to call those days where life crumbles and even though I know I love my life, I just can't see one single ray of sunshine. I'm sure I'll write a post similar to this one day so I thank you for doing it first to give me the courage to follow suit. I'm glad you stopped by and commented on my blog and look forward to reading more from you!
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  8. Thank you for sharing your struggles. I too find myself frozen and struggling to breathe quite often. It's madening! Sometimes I tell my husband I just want a brain replacement! It just feels like I can't stop the worried thoughts/guilt/sadness from whirling around in my head. I know prayer helps...but I guess if it was completely taken away I wouldn't enjoy the peace that comes other times. I'll take my insanity to completely enjoy my sanity. If that makes any sense at all! I enjoy your blog. I found it through an article I think you wrote about surrogacy in the LDS religion. Was that you? I think that's how I found your blog. lol Anyway, have a great day, fellow soldier!
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  9. Thank you for writing this post. I've been struggling with Postpartum Depression/Anxiety for the last year--and it's not easy! I think it's even harder for those that live in Utah and try faking picture perfect :) A friend of mine was talking to me about how her house smelled and that she had dirty dishes for like a week. She didn't care what I thought. She was just ranting to me. It was refreshing to let down my guard and be able to be REAL with someone. Anxiety is not easy to talk about--sometimes talking about it causes more anxiety! But if you can get help, I highly recommend you do so. I went to see a therapist at The Healing Group. Amy Rose helped me to get the right medication for my body and the right dosage so that side effects weren't a problem and I can finally enjoy life and not "fight, flight, freeze". I'm glad that you stumbled upon my blog, because I'm truly enjoying yours!
    Reply

  10. You don't know me, but I really appreciated your post! My sister read it and sent it to me. I totally understand what you are going through! I developed health problems about 3 years ago and have had crippling anxiety/panic attacks on and off ever since. I have been to a therapist for a short period of time, which seemed to make my anxiety worse in the short term, but has helped in the understanding of my anxiety issues in the long term. I also recently started on medication after realizing that I NEVER wanted to leave my house because it was too overwhelming. The medicine has definitely helped a lot, which I am very grateful for. And I need to run, but I will try to finish my comment later. Thanks again for your post. It was so nice to know that someone else knows what I'm going through. Hope you find the right things for you that will help!!
    Reply

  11. I almost laughed when you talked about being little and being the worrier. I was always always a worrier. My dad used to fear I wouldn't function in society because I worried so much about everything. As I grew older, I learned to cope and worry less and be productive, but it is always there waiting for something like a new calling or one of my son's asthma attacks, to kick into overdrive. It hasn't gotten as intense as what you've described, but I could see it happening. Good luck on your journey. I have family members who have had good luck with the right combo of antidepressants, as well as ones who have embraced things that are more alternative like the emotion code stuff, but they have all found help, so i am sure you will find some help.
    Reply

  13. I am a mother of 4, LDS, and have the exact same problems with anxiety. It has gotten worse as I've aged (or as my children have aged). It feels good to know that I am not the only one. I will be following your blog. Thanks for your honesty.
    Reply

  14. Oops, not sure what happened up there on my comment. I was actually googling LDS anxiety and your blog post popped up so thank you! I also suffer with this. I was a worrier when I was young but nothing like I am now. I have what therapists tell me is "catastrophic thinking". I always go to the worse case scenario. I constantly have anxiety and wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach. I had my first true panic attack recently when my Dr wanted to do a cat scan due to an illness I have had for 6 weeks. It's gotten worse with my last two babies who I had really bad PPD with. I have six kids and my life is crazy. Like you, what sets me off is sickness. I have a serious fear of the stomach flu especially. Most recently I have had a health scare and when I google it makes it worse. I am on zoloft and just upped my dose. I also started taking fish oil pills. I'm in therapy. Just starting reading a book by an lds author called Be Still. I know this post was over a year ago so how are you feeling now?
    Reply

    • Hi Heather! I'm doing a lot better. Still not perfect, but better. I have moved to a place where I'm a lot happier and am trying to slow down a bit. I've noticed the more I pack my schedule, the unhappier I get! It's such a challenge. The stomach flu is still a BIG fear of mine, but I've started to accept that my kids will get sick. And, I get through it every time, so maybe it isn't as big of a deal as it is in my head. You know? It sounds like you're doing everything right….I'm curious, is the fish oil helping your anxiety in some way?? My husband has been telling me forever to take some, and I've just been stubborn about it. Did a doctor recommend it? Feel free to email me if you want to talk more. My email is on my about me page. :)
      Reply

Trackbacks

  3. [...] It all began in 2006 when we lived in Philly. I was pregnant with our first. I saw 3 people vomit in public in front of me within a 3 month time period. That’s where my germaphobia started. I don’t remember being “scared” of getting sick as a kid, ever. Although I had other anxieties at the time. And, even as a young adult, it never really bothered me. Now, I believe that I have a true problem. And, it can be paralyzing.  [...]
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