We had a lesson in church one Sunday where the teacher asked, “What do you feel guilty about as a mother?” I scoffed and said rather too loudly, “Everything.” The teacher turned to me because I was sitting in the front, and responded, “Everything. OK.” The lesson moved on with various other women sharing their feelings on motherhood, and many agreeing that they feel mom guilt all the time. About everything.
As I was sitting there listening to the lesson, I realized a couple of things. First, that I’ve realized as my motherhood has evolved that it is not good or healthy to feel mom guilt. Yet, I do all the time. And, second, I don’t really feel guilt about everything. Not anymore.
As a first time Mom, I totally did. Every time my child cried, and I “let her” cry, it was a failure on my part. The time I cut her finger in the tiniest way possible, cutting her insanely small fingernails, it was a failure. The time I let her watch Law and Order with me (because I didn’t really think she was watching), and she was staring at the screen when an act of violence happened, it was a failure. The time she fell down the stairs when I was standing right there, it was a failure. In fact, if my first-time mommy self would judge, she would say that probably everything I did was a failure back then.
Fast forward to now and add two more kids to the bunch, and I see things differently. Thank goodness. My boys, and the fact that my husband and I are outnumbered now, have made me realize that mistakes will happen. And, sure, we are to blame ultimately because it is our job to take care of our kids, but at the same time, we are learning as we go, and I think that is all part of the master plan. To become better people ourselves while we raise other people.
I laugh a little now at my first-time mommy self. In fact, she was even more neurotic than me. If you can believe it. She never took time for herself and obsessed over every aspect of that first year of her daughter’s life. Sure, she is so happy she was there for everything, but sometimes, I think she could have let go a little more. Especially of the guilt.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not guilt free now that I have three kids. In fact, my guilt may have just tripled. I wouldn’t have blurted out “everything” in that lesson before really giving it some thought if I truly was guilt free. But, now that I can give it some thought, I realize that I don’t feel guilt about a lot of my current parenting tactics. Here are a few off the top of my head that I feel no guilt about whatsoever.
Letting them watch TV during lunch. My first-time mommy self would have never DREAMED of letting her child watch more than an hour of TV a day, let alone watch TV during a meal! The horror! But now, I do not care. It entertains them while I literally wait on them hand and foot while simultaneously unloading and loading the dishwasher, making my own lunch to be eaten later while they are asleep, and straightening up the entire house. So, yeah, I don’t feel guilt about that. Besides, they are zoned out and eating way better than if all they had to look at was their food.
Going out for “me time”. My first-time mommy self never did this. Like ever. I just couldn’t let go. I couldn’t trust my husband to do anything. Let alone a babysitter. Now, I will trust anyone with a pulse. Kidding, but close.
Saying that motherhood is hard. My first-time mommy self had post-partum depression. She was in the house all day with a newborn and no car, and no family, and she was depressed. She did everything for the baby and nothing for herself. She cried a lot, and then felt guilt that she was sad. She didn’t talk to anyone about it and felt very alone. Now, I complain all the time! No seriously, there is something liberating in reaching out to others and sharing your heartaches. Some might see it as ungrateful, but trust in your heart that you are a good mom even if you say out loud that it is hard. I no longer feel guilt for admitting this gig is thankless, and sucks sometimes.
Feeding them Junk Food. My first-time mommy self would never have fed hot dogs to her child, or anything that resembled junk food or sugar. Now, my motto is, whatever you can feed yourself, go for it. Sure, I still want my kids to eat healthy, but as I blogged yesterday, having kids with food allergies doesn’t always give you that luxury. Sorry to all you whole food mommies, but my kids are doing great even though sometimes they eat mac and cheese and chicken nuggets. In fact, I excitedly sent my husband a text today when our youngest ate 2 1/2 chicken nuggets at lunch. Why? Because his diet is limited, and he NEEDS protein like nobody’s business. Besides, it says “all natural” chicken nuggets on the container. Ahem.
Doing things My Way despite what the experts say. My first-time mommy self spent LOTS of time pouring over parenting books. I wanted to know the right way to do everything. And, every little sound in the night made me leap out of bed and hang over her trying to decide if she was dying. I was a mess. So, I read books because they comforted me. Yet, the confusing thing was that some books said to let them cry it out, others said to let them sleep with you all the time. Some said to make your own baby food, and others said it didn’t matter. WAIT. Which one is right? Now, I don’t read books. Instead, I think for myself, occasionally ask a mommy friend her opinion, and then do what is right for me and my family without looking back.
I could go on. Really, there are lots of things that I don’t feel guilt about when I sit down and think about it. I mean, when you have three kids, a lot of things just have to be let go of. Like, a lot. I don’t want to live my life worrying about everything. Instead, I’ll just worry about some things. Because, if I didn’t worry at all, then there might very well be something very wrong with me.
But, you have to decide what it is that is eating you up with mom guilt, and think about letting it go. Focus on the big things that really matter, not whether they eat too much red dye #40.
For me, I worry about the relationships I’m forming with my children instead of the number of minutes I might be on FB ruining their childhood and missing out on every little twirl. Nope, I don’t feel guilt about that. After all, I’m a person too. Aren’t I entitled to a little socialization from time to time? I don’t feel guilt that I may hover a little too much, or may not parent the way some parent in other countries.
Sure, I may not let them climb trees at 3 and use sharp objects at 4, but do I feel guilty about that fact? Nope. Instead, I worry about whether or not they are kind. If my lessons on being a nice person, no matter what, are sinking in. I feel guilt if they don’t feel loved because I lose my temper. I feel guilt about the things that matter.
There is so much to feel guilt about if you are at all in tune with social media. It’s everywhere. The guilt trips, the inadequacies, the “you’ve been doing it wrong all this time”, the debates, the mommy wars. But I’ve learned in the almost 7 years I’ve been a parent (and I know that’s not very long compared to some of you), that the guilt just makes us feel like less than who we are. We are the exact right person for the job, doing the best we can with what we’ve been given. So, guilt?
You can stop knocking on my door for every little thing. I’ll decide what I want to feel guilt about, thank you very much. So, it’s impossible to be a guiltless mama, but I definitely am working toward being a less guilt mama. And, trust me, letting go just a little bit of that guilt, and not feeling guilt about everything, will set you free to be the parent you are meant to be.
I guess Mom’s feel guilt more than dads. Of course, I feel bad that I have to work all day and can’t see them, but I guess it makes up for it when I get home and my wife hands them off to me.
Yes. In fact, I think I may write a post one day about how mad it makes me that men don’t have this guilt factor. You guys don’t seem to feel guilt about ANYTHING!
Oh trust me I feel guilt about things. Just about other things. Like not making enough money for my family or getting a job in Utah so they can be happy. I just don’t worry about them getting scratches and scrapes. But that would be a good post.
That’s true. You guys worry about kind of more important real stuff.
Lol. My wife and I once skipped Ace’s first talent show but said we were there (we were at one point so technically true) to go grab a burger and some beers. I’ve never felt guilty about any of my shenanigans, and there have been many. Wife may have some guilt, I’ll have to ask.
We use a babysitter all day, so we have an excuse if our kids turn out all fucked up. You’re the stay at home mom, so I guess you’re the natural blame if one of yours is. If that makes sense.
Crap, sorry about that F bomb. I forgot where I was.
You are forgiven, I guess.
Yay! You turned the other cheek.
This is the thing….men don’t have guilt! It’s infuriating. Although your post today shows that you at least worried a little. I’m sure your wife has guilt!! At least don’t tell me if she doesn’t.
I shared the responsibility. I’m amazed by men who don’t insist in being involved. Ace and I were home alone every Monday all day from birth until she was four or five. Loved those days. We’d go to lunch and best buy every single monday.
So cute. Best buy every day? What the heck did you do there?
Every Monday, sorry. We lived dammit! We lived!
ha! OK. I read that wrong. I was thinking, what the heck can you do in best buy every single day? I guess once a week isn’t bad. Still a little weird, but then again, I go to Target at least once a week and am thoroughly entertained.
You are doing just GREAT! You so remind me of myself back 23 years ago! I was just as neurotic with guilt, I read everything and I followed everything I was told. Four years later, not so much! LOL You are doing just fine! You so keep me entertained.
Maybe one day I can interview you for my blog on parenting skills as you see it.
Keep up the GREAT work!
Coach Arthur, Certified Life Coach
http://www.niecatlifecoaching.com
Thank you! That sounds like fun!
I am a first time mother of a two-year old and in many ways I can recognize that I am such a better parent than I would have been several years ago. In other ways, however, I can relate to feeling loads of guilt. My daughter does not sleep well, she does not want to wean and despite what others might think I don’t push the issue, I let her watch too much TV while I work from home, I let her eat ice cream for lunch sometimes, the list goes on and on. Most of the time, I am okay with it and am actually pretty content with my parenting style, yet, in those moments when I’m feeling super stressed and overwhelmed by life, all I can think about is what I’m doing wrong.
Thanks for sharing – nice to know I’m not alone!
Blessings
-Jen
http://thelilyandthemarrow.wordpress.com/
You are so welcome! Yes, the guilt I think fades a little more with each child. Probably because we are all just hanging on for dear life!! 🙂
I could have written that myself! I’ve been thinking about the same things lately. Why is it that when you accidentally clip those tiny fingers when they are babies you are ridden with guilt, but not when you clip a 5 year old finger – which is larger and logically you should be able to clip without hitting skin?
hahaha! So true. Now my kids get hurt, and I’m like, “Sorry honey!” and move on.
Oh my gosh, I could’ve written this post myself. Except I’m the first time mom you’re talking about! This is very helpful; thanks for the great read.
You are welcome! Loved your blog too. Having twins cannot be easy when it comes to the double mommy guilt. 😉 Congrats on being FP’d too!
Yet another post I can relate to. I lost my patience with Doe this morning and felt guilty about it for the next several hours!!! Also, I’m sorry for any times I have sworn on here….I swear like a trucker and I certainly don’t want to offend you or anyone else on here….I saw that Don apologized and felt I should too. Sorry:) Talk about guilt…..
HA! My parents swear a lot too. I do too from time to time! I don’t drop the F bomb like Don, but you know, things happen like you bleach your child’s brand new dress….So, my mormon ears can handle it. 😉 Don’t feel guilt!
I used to be pretty guilt ridden, too. I’ve since learned that going with the flow has made not only me, but my marriage and son, happier. Everything is easier now.
I still cry sometimes and occasionally fret…but I -like you- just realize that parenthood is messy and imperfect but it goes by to quickly to sweat the little stuff! 🙂
I agree but I still reserve the right to freak out at random!
Totally. 🙂
I used to put too much weight on the crap other parents were sharing without being asked and felt like I’m failing most of the time. I’m so passed that time. I just let my kids watch leapfrog at dinner – and they had the best dinner of the week. How do you think I can sneak them green beans and hear them asking for more? 🙂 between both of them, they finished a pack of strawberries tonight too. Now , if I could have other stay at home moms giving me less guilt… Lol. Sorry, but I don’t really feel it. I love my job and my kids are happy in school and I’m happier too. Love your blogs, Meredith!
Loved this post Meredith!!! I remember the old you. 🙂 You were a great mom! A little neurotic but great!!! But I love the guilt-free mom!!!
Aww. Sweet Claire! I miss you.
I loved this post! You are spot on and I started out exactly the same way but I quickly learned that I had to do what was best for my son and I and regardless of what anyone else thought was right.
a post for mums everywhere! we all feel like that and do all those things you listed! that snap is gorgeous and proves you are an awesome mummy! xxxx
I always look forward to your posts. So easy to read and full of sincerity. I think I have more guilt now with my third child, partially due to the fact that I’m suppose to be older, know more, and suppose to be more responsible. Lol..Of course, having our third child eleven years after our second child didn’t help much either. 🙂
Thank you! That is a big gap, so, the guilt probably started all over again huh? 🙂
Yes it did and times three! Post partum depression doesn’t help.
For sure!
I can totally relate! My daughter is almost a year and I’ve gotten better at dealing with the Mommy Guilt. I work full time and felt guilty leaving her in the evening, because I was gone all day, or letting her cry longer than normal because I was just so tired, or popping in the non-educational baby einstein videos because I that’s the only thing that would occupy her so we could eat dinner. Thanks for posting this!
http://www.naptales.wordpress.com
I know! We all feel it. 🙂 We have to do what we have to do to survive huh?
A-FREAKING-MEN. I’m finding as my daughter gets older, I feel less and less guilty about everything. Maybe it’s bad that it only took me raising one kid to learn how to get over my guilt, but oh well. Not going to feel guilty about that! haha
Definitely! Good for you for being the faster learner!!
As a working Mumma I often feel guilty for leaving my son in childcare instead of taking care of him myself! But then I remember why I am working and guilt goes away! I’m trying to give P the best life possible and if that means letting someone else watch him while I work then so be it. I used to let the guilt get to me, not anymore!
Good for you!
With every post I feel like you are in my head! I am a first time mom of a very feisty little girl and I beat myself up about everything!! It’s sometimes hard not to let judgement and criticism get to you. Most of the time I feel like a big fat failure. I’m thankful for your blog because you make me feel so much better. Thank you!
I’m so glad Jeannie!! Thanks for always reading!
I love the last one. There are so many experts, and while I want to hear all the information out there and really do value their opinions, they are just that, another opinion. I have found that when I have that Mommy gut feeling or intuition, I better listen. We are all better off when I do, whether or not it matches the expert advice.