When I’m having a hard time with my anxiety, I tend to go quiet. But, that doesn’t really serve anyone. Anxiety sucks. I’m on meds, I have gone to therapy (probably need to do a visit again) and yet I still can’t always control it.
This week was super hard. I had a bad migraine that took me out for an entire day, and then the next day I just felt angry. Anxiety makes me a rage monster. I loathe that part of me.
By day 3, my anxiety peaked and I was lashing out at everyone. I hated it, yet I couldn’t control it. I hate that part of me. I hate how the sound of my own children playing in the other room can make me feel like I’m going to lose it.
I hate how I want to be alone. I feel anger, but I feel so much more.
I feel depressed that it’s back, when I had been handling things so well.
I feel hopeless that although I know it will end, that it will come back again.
I feel embarrassed that I’m sometimes mean to the ones I love most.
I feel like I want to give up.
I feel tired.
I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest thing.
I feel alone. I feel like I’m literally the only one feeling that way in that moment even though I know I’m not deep down. But, anxiety makes me feel like that.
I feel like I just would be better off if I could disappear.
I broke down yesterday. I fought with my husband. I slammed things, and finally collapsed in his arms into big heavy sobs last night. I cried it out like I tend to do, and somehow, woke up and the weight, the burden of anxiety, was just a little lighter. Yet, I feel guilt that he has to deal with it. He has to deal with me.
It’s not pretty to admit that you have anger issues. It feels like something that you should never talk about because it’s so shameful. What mother feels angry when her kid is playing happily in the next room? What kind of mother gets annoyed at the tiniest little thing and yells?
This mom does. And, it’s not something I’m proud of. In fact, sometimes I’m tempted to feel so ashamed by it that I want to disappear. I have had thoughts that my family would be better off without me many many times.
Jeffrey Holland said, “We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions” I have to cling to that on the hard days when my eyes are puffy and I have to apologize (again) for how I acted.
I don’t know what the answer is, but I know that I don’t like feeling alone. I don’t like the sad, scary thoughts that creep in, and I know there is someone out there that is maybe crumbling, or barely holding their head above water.
Know that you aren’t alone either. We’ll get through the bad days because that’s what we have to do.
We have to fight. Because we are so much more than our anxiety. It does not define us. As much as it tries to. We are infinitely MORE than what is crippling us right now. Remember that, my friends. And, know I’m fighting too.
If you or someone you know might be struggling with anxiety, seek help. Deciding to go to therapy and then later taking medication was one of the best decisions I ever made.