I’ve been thinking about my role as a stay at home mom lately, and reading a lot on the subject too. I’ve started several blog posts trying to encapsulate my feelings as of late, and none of them have been published. Instead, I’ve taken time to sit and think, and really scrutinize myself, and my own feelings about motherhood. Waiting to hit publish is so unlike me! But, now I’m ready to write about what I feel are some big misconceptions about stay at home moms. And, I’ve decided to make it a little series of posts. Later this week, I’ll be talking about another blog post I read that suggests that being a stay at home parent is a luxury….for our spouse.
But, first, I want to talk about complaining. Since I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after. Maybe that’s not what everyone aspires to do, but for me, it was what I thought was the picture perfect ideal. All I needed in the world. Now, I have it. All of it. The little house in a great neighborhood, the kids, the husband and the ability to stay home with my kids. So, I should be perfectly content, right?
Last week, I read the post, Dear Stay At Home Moms, Shut the Eff Up, and felt a little miffed. To say the least. Lucky for me, I have some kindred spirits in the blogging world that get me. And, get why stay at home moms sometimes complain. Stephanie from Mommy, For Real is one of them. Read her response to the Dear stay at home moms letter here. I love it.
But, I’ve been wanting to write about my feelings as a stay at home mom for a while. This post has nothing to do with working moms vs. moms that stay home by the way. It’s not even about that for me. I respect working moms, and I know that many of them don’t have a choice. They have to work. But, what bothers me is the judgment made by others if stay at home moms muster out a tiny little complaint from time to time. And, working moms aren’t the only ones judging and pointing fingers. Other stay at home moms judge too.
Here’s my biggest complaint with her post about stay at home moms complaining (see how I did that?) No one should be judging my gratitude (even if I do complain from time-to-time). Picture for a moment a baby shower of a close friend. You took a lot of time picking out her gift, wrapping it nice, and were so excited to see her open it. When she did, she thanked you politely and then moved on to the next gift. You felt satisfied, but another friend also attending the baby shower stands up, points a finger at the mom-to-be and says, “I don’t think you showed enough gratitude for the gift she just gave you! You didn’t even look like you were excited! What’s wrong with you? You must not be thankful for any of our gifts! You don’t even deserve that present or any of our presents!!”
That would be crazy talk wouldn’t it? It’s no different with the gift of parenting. The mom-to-be was thankful, she even said it out loud, but other people thought she wasn’t exactly thankful enough? Give. Me. A. Break. We would all probably sit in that baby shower with our mouths hanging open and be in complete shock that someone dared to say she wasn’t grateful for that gift. So, why is it OK for anyone to say I’m not thankful for my role as a stay at home mom?
Maybe I don’t voice my gratitude like you do, that doesn’t mean I don’t have it. And, a complaint from time to time doesn’t negate a grateful heart.
For me personally, I would feel like a total fake if I went around spreading sunshine constantly. And, I would also feel a bit like a bragger too. “I love my life. I’m so grateful that my kid makes straight A’s, I’m glad I can wear yoga pants to my job everyday!” It’s totally not my style, and feels a bit self-indulgent too. But, gratitude? I’ve got a lot of it. Right inside my little heart that you can’t even see.
Now before you think I love dwelling on the negative, I have to say that I DO feel gratitude is extremely important. But, I don’t think it’s a gift that comes to everyone naturally. For me, I have to make conscious efforts to feel gratitude for my blessings throughout the day if possible. It helps me have a better attitude. But, I also think gratitude is a personal growth exercise that takes time. You can’t just wake up and run a marathon. Don’t feel guilty if you complain once in a while. Or even every day.
I believe in a loving God that gives me blessings daily. And, I believe those blessings are gifts from Him. I also believe it’s my responsibility to thank Him for those blessings and have an attitude of gratitude as much as possible. But, I’m human, and I’m not perfect (hence the name of my blog…ahem). So, I complain from time to time. I know that He does not view those complaints as total ingratitude for all that I have. It’s ridiculous to jump to the conclusion that I’m miserable because I voice a complaint. Because, I also spend time trying to be grateful. Quietly. And, I definitely don’t think there is a third party that gets to point out that I’m not grateful enough.
I’m not in a competition to be the most grateful, and you shouldn’t be either. I’m just trying to do the best I can in this crazy job I have and stay true to myself. Even if that means complaining once in a while.
Seriously. Let’s just stop telling each other how to be. That’s all it’s really about isn’t it?
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What are your thoughts? Should SAHMs never complain about their jobs? Do you think that means they aren’t thankful for what they have?
I like the baby shower analogy – that had me giggling, much to the confusion of my kids. I think that if we all took a step back, remembered that we aren’t privy to the details of everyone else’s lives, and just tried to better ourselves, the whole world peace thing would happen faster. At least, that’s how it works in my head… 😀
I don’t believe you should feel guilty for complaining. We all do it and who cares what others think. We will never please everyone. All that matters is we do our best, be good to each other and screw those that feel it is necessary to judge. In the end, all of that bulls**t won’t even matter. So why make it matter now? Complain all you want… most stay at home moms will understand. Doesn’t make you a bad person or less than a mom. I know how truly amazing you are no matter whether you complain or not. 🙂
“Let’s just stop telling each other how to be.” – YES. I love it. I like your point that you do feel gratitude in your heart, but it’s not necessary to go around talking about how grateful you are all the time. I think maybe it was Bad Parenting Moments who wrote a post about what she called the “gratitude police” or something along those lines. I feel the same way. And I think that anyone who tries to make stay at home moms, or ANY group of people for that matter, feel ashamed about voicing their honest, real feelings and struggles in an attempt to feel less alone, is doing a lot more harm than good. I don’t see the need to tell a whole group of people to “shut the eff up.” That’s just mean. Sure, too much complaining is annoying, but if you don’t want to read or listen to something that you find offensive, just don’t.
Yeah, I totally agree.
I can’t believe that parents in other countries snipe at each other the way American parents do. Other countries use their social services to recognize that parents are important to all children and, therefore, they provide all parents with leave–paid leave–to care for their children. In France, preschool is subsidized. Our country is set up so that the only people who have the choice for one parent to stay home are those where one parent has an excellent job. We have boxed ourselves into a war that is fueled by resentment, anger and classism.
I’m not a big gratitude-pusher. I’ve got very complicated feelings and opinions about it, but there is no “right to complain” so no one can say that another person does not have that right. You complain? Fine. If I don’t want to hear it, I can walk away.
Exactly. That’s interesting too. I do wonder sometimes if we are the only country picking at each other the way we do. Good point!
I hear you and I often felt the same. I know people who couldn’t wait to go back to work because staying at home with the kids wasn’t for them. They knew it would drive them crazy and because of that had a lot of respect for those who do it. For some people who have no choice but to go back to work, they may feel a little bitter when they hear of a stay at home mum having a moan. But as the saying goes, the grass is always greener and there are positives and negatives to doing both. How come you don’t do your manic Mondays anymore?
Hi Nicola! It’s so good to hear from you first of all!! I agree, we all want what the other side has. For sure. As far as Manic Mondays, it just became too time consuming for me. I’ve thought about starting it back up, but just haven’t put the time and energy into it. As you’ve probably noticed, I’ve been blogging a lot less lately, and I’m kind of just taking a step back and figuring out what direction I want to go. I do miss reading all the posts that were linked up! (especially yours!)
Yes I saw that you had been away from blogging for a while and your posts don’t show up in my WordPress reader anymore. I miss you! And I’m sure the rest of the manic Mondays regulars do too. I agree though, it is a lot of work.
Let’s face it, we live in an imperfect world full of imperfect people – we’re always going to have something legitimate to complain about! What irks me is when people complain incessantly but then do nothing to change the situation that they’re complaining about… that goes for all of us parents whether we’re home with our kids or not. While I also have gratitude in my heart, sometimes a little b#$%hing goes a long way when it comes to bonding and stress relief! As long as I don’t do it all the time.
I agree!
I agree about much of what you say. I feel like being a stay-at-home parent is just another job decision. Just like I could never be a doctor (ER was too bloody for me), some people–like my wife–don’t have the temperament to be at home with the kids. But for some reasons, when people stay-at-home, people feel like sniping sniping sniping all the time. Why doesn’t this happen with other job? “Dear Lawyer, shut the eff up”, “Dear engineer, shut the eff up”, “Dear Teacher, shut the eff up.”. Well, as a teacher, I feel like that gets sniped a lot too. Any job that people feel like anyone in the world can do (which isn’t true), people feel like they are the expert and can say whatever they want.
Sorry for the length. Love the post.
I loved Stephanie’s post and I love yours. I don’t care for the posts trying to make it a black and white issue. Complaining is or isn’t allowed. There is gray area and just because you complain doesn’t mean you’re not grateful.. I thought you said it so well!
It’s funny because all my life I wanted the exact same thing as you: grow up, get married, have kids, live happily ever after. And like you, I have it. The only difference is I am a work at home mom. I am extremely grateful for what I have and my kids and my husband are the one thing (4 things?) that keep me going forward when going gets tough. Do I sometimes complain? Yes I do. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. Does that mean that I enjoy my life less? Not only no but heck no! Life isn’t black and white, it’s mostly grey. However, I do wish the infamous “mommy wars” would stop. I think they are pointless because each of our choices come with their own set of responsibilities and difficulties. We all have our cross to bear and as long as we are happy with our choice we shouldn’t have to defend it or feel like we are better than the rest.
I agree I’m guilty of trying to defend.
I get everything you are saying. I feel a lot of pressure (most likely self-imposed) because I have 9 kids. Who in the world with 9 kids (or 1 or 2) isn’t going to have a rough day and need to vent a little bit? My pride keeps me from complaining very much, and especially asking for help! This parenting thing is not easy, and I wish our society was more of the “it takes a village to raise a child” mentality. Guess I DID get to complain a little this morning! 😉
Hmm. That’s interesting. I can see your point when you have a lot of kids, that you almost don’t want to ever seem like you can’t handle it? I’m sure there are lots of critical people out there who just judge the number of children. I know someone told me once that they thought it was morally wrong to have more than 2 kids. I just smiled and thought to myself, well…sorry, but I’m having more than two! (this was before I had any) Sometimes it is better to just keep things to ourselves.
Thanks for this post I appreciate your honesty in saying that spreding sunshine all the time would feel fake. I think that when most of us as stay at home moms complain it isn’t to anyone and everyone who will listen. It is usually to those close to us. I think it’s about being authentic and having people you can connect with and be your real self. It is about having someone else validate that being a parent can be hard.
I have know moms who do always spred sunshine and while I admire them and maybe hold them on a pedastel a little, I often feel cautious of be coming closes to them. I know of my own short coming and feel like I wouldn’t be able to connect with these moms who appear not to have any. Being able to share our weeknesses without judgement should connect us as mothers not pit us against one another.
I totally 100% agree!! I feel the same way about being close with moms like that too. Cautious. And afraid I could never be myself. Thanks for your perspective.
I take my hat off to stay at home parents. I went back to work when my son was 9 months old. I admit to sometimes envying stay at home parents and wishing that was the path I had taken. But I’m also aware that being a stay at home parent is a full time job in itself. There are no lunch breaks, you can’t clock off at 5.30pm and there’s no such thing as a sick day. That’s not to say that working parents have it easy, especially with the guilt that can come from not staying at home with your children. It sometimes seems that whatever decision you take as a parent there’s always going to be someone who criticises what you’re doing. We need to remember we’re only human, we’re going to have bad days and being a parent is pretty tough. I’m new to blogging but hopefully you’ll like my first post – http://calamityems.wordpress.com/2014/10/10/20-ways-you-know-youre-a-parent/
First off, welcome to blogging! I think it’s true, there is always someone to criticize no matter WHAT we do in life. It’s just hard when they are judging the one thing that has such an impact. Child-rearing. Regardless, it’s important to be confident in our decision, that’s for sure.