Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

  • My Books
    • The Mother Load
    • Mom Life: Perfection Pending – The Book
    • Free eBook: Sometimes Motherhood Sucks
    • How To Grow Your FB Following
  • Motherhood
    • Inspiration
    • Encouragement
    • Childhood
    • Humor
    • Parenting Memes
    • Friendship
    • Marriage
  • Kid Ideas
    • Recipes
    • Practical Tips
    • Babies & Toddlers
    • teens and tweens
    • The Elementary School Years
  • Mental Health
    • Mental Health
    • Anxiety
  • About
    • Favorite Posts
    • My Portfolio
    • Privacy & Disclosures

Inspiration Mom Life Parenting The Elementary School Years

To My Firstborn, Thanks For Loving Me Anyway

63 shares
  • Share
  • Tweet

To my firstborn, It’s hard for me to reconcile the fact that you made me a mom eleven years ago. And it’s even harder now that I’m watching your youngest brother head off to Kindergarten to realize how fast the time is going.

It’s heartbreaking to accept that I don’t have much time left with you.

You’re my firstborn, but I know what seven more years looks like now, and I’m terrified to let you go.

I look at the mother I once was when you were little and I was so scared. I hardly recognize her. I’ve gained a lot of confidence since hovering over you at the playground as you toddled around, and rushing out of restaurants when you made the tiniest fussy baby noise.

You were an angel baby, and I was the mom that knew hardly anything. Thank you for letting me make all of my mistakes with you and loving me anyway.

I’m sure I’ll make plenty more as you enter the teenage years, and we’re trying to navigate middle school and high school together.

Thanks for being exactly the kind of kid I needed to learn from, and to learn on. I couldn’t ask for a better firstborn child. 

You were always watching me inquisitively as a baby, and I could tell that you were a thinker. You still are, and I’m sorry I constantly ask you what you are thinking. I just want to know both because I am dying to know you even better, and because I worry I’m failing you in some way.

I want to know because of my own insecurities I have about mothering you. I’m so much more confident now than I was in those early years.

I’m able to realize now that you’re probably not going to break your neck and get kidnapped if you’re out of my site for 2.3 seconds. But, I feel insecure about other things like if I’m too hard on you, or am expecting too much.

For the record, maybe I am, but I hope you know that it comes from a place of love.

To my firstborn, don’t feel like you have to be perfect.

There is an extremely long list of mistakes I made like the time I put you in time out while potty training you, or forced too many pictures on you complete with wardrobe changes. I yelled more than I do now, and I probably didn’t let you get nearly messy enough.

I worried too much about germs, and was terrified that something would happen to you if I let you swing too high or walk too far away.

to-my-firstborn

Because you were the oldest, there were times when I woke you up in the middle of the night tiptoeing into your room to make sure you were breathing, and I got entirely too little sleep myself while watching your chest rise and fall. Admittedly that made me super tired, and probably way more grumpy than I should have been.

I laid on the mama guilt thick, and overthought everything way too much.

I was too strict with your diet, and too worried to let you explore like I should have. And, I got angry at stupid things like whether or not you’d cooperate when I brushed your wild hair.

My eyes were always fixed on you though, and anxious to be the perfect mom not knowing that letting go of that idea would actually make me a stronger, better mom in the end.

I’m sorry that I said,”No.” more than I should have, and put the play doh up high so  you would forget we had it, and I wouldn’t have to clean up the messes it would create. I should have let you jump in the puddles more, and climb on the playground without me constantly shouting out, “Be careful!” every few steps.

I should have read more stories, and given in to one more hug.

Of course, we should have snuggled more, and carried you more, and listened more intently to your little stories. But, if you happen to ask for a hug or a snuggle now, know that the answer should always be yes.

But, I want you to know that you were the perfect child to learn on. You still are.

You forgive me over and over as I make mistakes and have to admit them with tears burning in my eyes from shame. Because you are the firstborn, I expect you to be the example. But, ou are happy, and easy going, and willing to show your younger siblings the way. 

There are more times when you share the spotlight now, and you gracefully moved over when two other kids came along and accepted the role of big sister with ease.

You are meant to be in this role of firstborn, because you thrive in it.

It’s hard for me not to feel pangs of regret as I allow your little brothers to do things I never would have let you do because you were the firstborn.

For example, I let them skip the hand sanitizer before eating lunch at the park, or splash in mud freely on a hike.

But, it’s not that I was trying to slow you down, I just wanted it to be just right. I wanted you to be safe, and because I loved you so much, I wanted to make sure that everything was just perfect.

When you learn – you know better. I know the bond that can come out of an apology for a mistake I make, and I know that teaching you that it’s OK to own your imperfections is a valuable life lesson I should have embraced a long time ago.

I’m still learning how to navigate the waters of raising a tween, and deciding things like when you can get a cell phone, and how much independence to give you. But, it will forever be hard for me when you’re out of my sight doing your own thing and living life. It’s what I want, but it’s what I dread too.

You’ll forever be the child that made me a mom first. The firstborn is always special. 

And, I will forever find comfort in the fact that we still get to navigate this journey of parent and child together even though both of us are kind of clueless about what to do in each new stage.

But, most of all, I hope you’ll forgive me for trying too hard to make  it just right. The beautiful thing is, I know you already have.

Thank you for being as close to perfect as a kid can get. I’m so glad you’re my oldest child, but just know – you’ll always be my baby.

Love,

Mom


3 Comments

« No, My Kid Doesn’t Need a Smart Phone Thank You Very Much
When Anxiety Makes You Rage »

Comments

  1. Kimberly says

    August 24, 2017 at 8:56 pm

    Ugh. This is beautiful, Mer. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, but I can’t help it. Is exactly how I feel about my oldest boy, even though he’s only six. ❤️

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      August 24, 2017 at 9:14 pm

      Thanks, friend.

      Reply
  2. Kathy Radigan says

    August 29, 2017 at 3:17 pm

    Well yo made cry, thank you! My first is an angel baby too and there is something so precious about that. Mine is starting college next Tuesday. It goes so fast!!!

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

Perfection Pending on Instagram

Meredith Ethington

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

Read the rest in my substack ❤️
New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression
"I don't care" as I literally care about every sin "I don't care" as I literally care about every single thing.
I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

Yes, even for you Karen. ➡️➡️ to keep reading.
Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mea Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mean someone loves you that much to communicate them! Love this wisdom from @wittyidiot
NEW POST ----> "This is not a post about loss of a NEW POST ----> "This is not a post about loss of a loved one. Or loss of a child. Those things are real, and they’re heart wrenching. And, this post is certainly not to compare that loss with the one I’m going to talk about.

But, the loss of yourself in motherhood is real. And It’s not talked about enough." 

Do you feel like you lost yourself in motherhood? How? I really want to know. 

Psss - I am in grad school to become a therapist, and am not ashamed to ask that you subscribe to my paid substack. I just lowered the cost to $36/year! That's like $4/month and you'll have access to all my previous posts, and some new weekly short posts to give you ideas to help with balancing motherhood and your own mental health. I'm learning a lot in school, and will only continue to do so, so subscribe and we'll support each other. ❤️
This memory made me laugh this morning. 🤣 This memory made me laugh this morning. 🤣
Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon
I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and a dress with spaghetti straps and a Tshirt under it while you’re telling me I’m doing it wrong? 🤣 Life is wild. Teenagers are fun.
Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s th Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s the moral of the story friends? If you think your household is always sick - it’s because they probably are. Kids make everything more germ-y
Here’s what I do know 👇 No one knows what th Here’s what I do know 👇

No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
Our kids love us anyway. 
We’re all going to be OK. 
You’ve got this (as much as any of us do) 😘

#momspiration #momlife #funnymoms #memtalhealth #parentinglife #parentingquotes
"By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to "By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to avoid being human." 

Do you struggle with perfectionism? Parenthood has helped me quite a bit, but It's something I've battled my whole life. I still struggle occasionally, although it's gotten better. But, let's stop trying to avoid being human and instead embrace ourselves an in turn embrace the entire human race. ❤️ I'd love to hear how you embrace being imperfect. 

#perfecționism #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #anxiety #imperfect #perfectpending #themotherload #thementalload
Mood. Mood.
Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
It’s true! Researchers have found that as long a It’s true! Researchers have found that as long as you’re doing the repair after mistakes the other times - then 30% is enough! Sometimes I worry I’m not doing it right but I definitely know I’m doing it right 30% of the time! 
Probably a whole lot more to be honest. I bet you are too. #momlife #encouragement #momspiration
Load More Follow on Instagram

You might also like

The Greatest Gift Is To Watch Your Child Leave You

Mom holding baby in nursery and yawning

When Does Parenting Get Less Exhausting? Newsflash – Never.

Dad holding tired girl after trick or treating during Halloween in the 80's

Halloween in The 80’s Was the Best Ever

mom forcing a smile with fingers and blue background

Stop Complaining About Motherhood. Here Are 21 Reasons You Shouldn’t

Here’s How to Deal With Hating Being a Parent

Copyright © 2025 · Perfection Pending · Designed by Krizzy Designs

Copyright © 2025 · Divine Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

63 shares