Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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Encouragement Inspiration teens and tweens

To My Daughter About To Go To Middle School. Here’s What I Want You To Know.

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When I think of myself in middle school, I think of permed hair, my obsession with NKOTB the first (and only) boy band in my eyes, and of my secret that I still wanted to play barbies well past the age that all of my friends were.

I think of fights over nothing in particular that felt like the entire world was falling apart, and that one mortifying, awkward day where I “forgot” to wear a bra to school when let’s face it, I didn’t really need a bra anyway.

I think of liking boys, but never wanting to admit it, and of school rivalries with the middle school across town. I think of my best friend who will always be a lifelong ally no matter the time and miles that separate us, and I remember how french fries seemed like a solid meal, and doing PE felt like the worst form of torture imaginable.

In a few months, my daughter is going to middle school, and I wonder how I got here so fast. I wonder how my memories can feel so fresh, and yet so far away at the same time. I wonder how it’s possible that my tiny girl is actually old enough to go through all these same things, and what I’d want to say to her as she goes off to middle school.

So to my daughter headed to middle school, here’s what I want you to know: 

Pick good friends. 

Friends feel like everything, but if you don’t choose wisely, you can easily end up where you don’t want to be. Pick friends that have high standards. That think learning is cool, and that make you feel good about yourself. Pick friends that aren’t into being petty, and controlling you, and pointing out how someone else’s clothes look. Pick friends that want to do good, and more importantly value being kind, even when someone isn’t kind back.

Be yourself because confidence will look good on you. 

Middle school is a time to figure out who you want to be. You are trying to fit in, and that’s totally normal, but don’t blur who you really are with who you think you should be. Just because all your friends want to take a hip hop class, doesn’t mean you have to. When they question you, don’t be afraid to just tell them that you’re not that interested. True friends will admire your confidence in being true to yourself. And, confidence will always be a good look on you.

Take care of your body. 

Wear deodorant, and try to take pride in how you look. That doesn’t mean having the trendiest clothes or the coolest shoes. It simply means that you should take the time to look presentable, put together, and ready for whatever life throws at you. No need to “impress” anyone with your clothes, but instead focus on treating your body as a gift. It is one. Feed it, hydrate it, and brush your hair.

School is important. 

You will have a ton more social activities, but school work is actually cool. OK, I know it doesn’t actually feel “cool” but now is the time to learn to study, work hard, and set up good habits. Trust me, it will be easier in high school and college if you can learn to get organized and sacrifice some of the social life for an A on a test.

Have fun.

You’re going to be adjusting to a lot of new experiences in middle school, and it’s important to have fun. Try not to worry about being perfect, and relax into everything that gets thrown your way. Yes, I know I said school is important, but so is having fun. You only get to be this age once. Don’t worry if you still want to be little and play make believe from time to time – you don’t need to grow up too fast.

Talk to me. 

I know it doesn’t seem like I know much, but if you’ll just talk to me, I promise I’ll try to be understanding. I’ve been there. I was awkward. Friends hurt my feelings. I hurt my friends’ feelings. I made mistakes, and I do know how annoying middle school boys can be. I also know you’ll hear and see a lot of things that might make you scared, or worried, or just plain confused. Talk to me about them, and I promise, you’ll feel better. Friends are a great resource, but your parents love you like no one else does, and we have a pretty decent perspective since we still remember what middle school was like.

Don’t get wrapped up in girl drama. 

Middle school girls are full of hormones and drama. It’s a given. You’ll feel like you’ve been majorly wronged by a friend, and guess what, you’ll probably really hurt a friend’s feelings too. Don’t talk behind your friend’s backs. Talk TO your friends. Be honest. Apologize and don’t gossip. If you can learn to just communicate with the people you love, you’ll see that it usually works itself out. An “I’m sorry” can sometimes heal all wounds, even when you didn’t do anything wrong.

The world does not exist inside your phone. 

You don’t even have one yet, but you will soon enough. There is life beyond what goes on on that phone. There are relationships to work on, books to read, and life to live. Don’t get sucked into what is happening on social media, instead go outside and live life, do something good for someone, or create a memory that doesn’t involve a screen. That’s where the good stuff is – especially the books.

Move at your own pace – it’s not a race. 

You’ll see friends doing things you don’t feel ready for like wearing make-up, or going out with boys. Your friends might push you into feeling like you need to catch up. You don’t. There is all the time in the world to go at your own pace and figure out what you want to do when you want to do it. It’s OK if you still would rather play a board game than go to a boy/girl party. Remember, growing up is not a race.

Be the example. 

It’s hard being the example, and sometimes it sucks. But, people will look up to you for standing out, making good choices, and being kind even when you feel awkward or uncool. Kids can be mean. But, you’re not. So, stand up to the bullies, speak out against things you know are wrong, and don’t be afraid to be different. Even when it sucks. Sure, you might miss out on things, but I promise it’s not the end of the world, even though it feels like it. Be the example when you can, because you are brave, and strong.

Remember that we love you.

I remember feeling so alone some days in middle school. Especially when my best friend was mad at me, or when I felt like no one understood whatever it was that I was going through. I may not always know exactly how you feel, but you are never alone. You have a family that loves you, and we’ll always try to be a soft landing place for you when you fall. No mistake you make will ever make us feel differently about you. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE LOVED. No matter what.

So, as you start middle school, remember that you’ve got this. You’re ready. And, you’ve got a couple of cheerleaders at home that think you’re the greatest. Even though I don’t want you to become a big middle school kid, I know it’s where you need to go and what you need to do to become who you need to become. And, that’s a beautiful thing.

***

Meredith Ethington is the founder and creator of Perfection Pending, and has been blogging for over 10 years. She is a mom to three, trying to help her kids understand sarcasm and her need for personal space. Meredith’s debut parenting book, Mom Life: Perfection Pending, provides an uplifting yet realistic look at all that is expected of moms in the 21st century and is now available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and at Absolute Love Publishing. She proudly writes for many of her favorite parenting sites, including Scary Mommy, Babble, Momtastic, and on her own blog. Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter where she loves to laugh at herself and admit that while parenting is the best thing ever, it’s also the hardest job on earth.

 


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  1. Kristen says

    July 23, 2020 at 10:52 pm

    Inspiring, funny, comforting and just perfect.
    I may use some of this for my own giant babies who are making transitions this year.

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Meredith Ethington
Definitely true for me. ❤️ Definitely true for me. ❤️
"I don’t believe a growth mindset is bad all the "I don’t believe a growth mindset is bad all the time, or even most of the time for that matter. I think you can have a growth mindset and not gaslight yourself into always looking on the bright side and saying everything terrible that happens in life is an opportunity for growth.

There has to be a middle ground."

Read my latest. Link in profile.
I agree. 😂 @chasemit I agree. 😂 @chasemit
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If I'm being honest - sometimes I feel like I'm 15 different mothers.

I'm patient, loving, and kind. I'm creative and dull.

I'm happy and dancing in the kitchen one minute, and begging for a nap and to be left alone the next minute. 

Sometimes, I wonder if they'll remember the tears I had for no reason at all. Sitting on the couch feeling empty and sad. They come and give me hugs unsolicited as I cry. I am depressed and overwhelmed. I wonder if they will remember that version of me?"

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Here's what I know - I want my kids to learn this Here's what I know - I want my kids to learn this lesson too. 
Life is hard and we often make so many big decisions based on EMOTIONS. Instead we need to get curious about the why behind that emotion. Are we scared, sad, anxious, angry? Whatever it is - feeling and emotions are not "bad" or "good." In fact we control very little about them! 
So if we can learn to SLOW down when we feel them and get curious that's the first step to figuring out the why behind them. Then we move forward and act  AFTER we've felt. 
It's a lesson I'm still learning and hope my kids will learn a lot faster then me. 

If you like convos like these join me over on substack. 🙏

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Read my latest on Substack. 🥰 #peoplepleaserpro Read my latest on Substack. 🥰 #peoplepleaserproblems #wallflowers #mentalhealth #growth #mindsetmatters
Yessss. So important. @banhass Yessss. So important. @banhass
Let's talk friendship 👇👇👇 "In 2018, Busin Let's talk friendship 👇👇👇
"In 2018, Business Insider published an article reporting that one study concluded that it took roughly 200 hours to make a close friend. Ouch.

And before you can consider someone even a casual friend? At least a 50 hour investment. YIKES.

Is it any wonder that making mom friends is so hard? Moms are busy. We’re exhausted. We’re overwhelmed. We have chores and jobs and responsibilities. Investing 200 hours into someone is, well, a lot.

Honestly at the end of a long day with kids, the last thing I want to do is invest time talking. I’ve talked all day. I just want silence.

But, it sounds like the return on our investment could come through in a big way (hello living longer and having a bitch buddy!) Those rewards are big if we can make the time and put in the effort.

Because close relationships have bigger rewards than casual ones."

Learn all about why making friends is important, why we all want them, and how it can actually lower our cortisol. Check out my latest on S U B S T A C K. :)
Here are three things everyone needs to know about Here are three things everyone needs to know about kindness that are important to your mental health. 

1. Kindness does not mean you don't have boundaries. So often we do things for the sake of being kind even when we don't want to. Kindness does not equal saying yes all the time. Learning to say no is like a muscle you need to exercise to get better at it. Saying no doesn't automatically mean you are unkind. 

2. Kindness doesn't look like self betrayal. Ever. If you do something that you don't want to do because you're afraid of exercising that saying no muscle - you'll end up struggling with your own mental health. Listen to your gut and trust when kindness feels meaningful to you and when it feels like an obligation. 

3. Kindness to yourself is just as important as any external kindness you are showing to the world. In fact - I would argue that it's the most important way to have balance and good mental health. 

"Be kind" is a mantra these days and it's a good one. But know what kindness is. It's when you're moved to do something for someone else but that doesn't mean you abandon yourself in the process. 

If anything - true kindness to others should help you feel more connected to yourself ❤️ 

#kindness #bekindtoyourself #mentalhealth #selfcare
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I wrote the book! It’s on sale right now too. 😎
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Ooof. This hit hard. Ooof. This hit hard.
"We are parenting in an age full of information th "We are parenting in an age full of information thrown at us on how to be the best parent.
We’re constantly told to do more with our kids. Educate faster and earlier. Get them in sports by three or they won’t make the team when they get to high school.

How could we possibly accomplish all that and NOT helicopter? Do preschoolers know how to research the best preschools and sign up for T-ball on their own all while making a free range chicken dinner (that you don’t heat up in a plastic container, btw)?

And, what about the worries we have of keeping them safe from school shootings, pornography, social media, and too much screen time?

I’m told not to take my child his homework when he forgets it, but I’m also told to make sure he has enough AP classes and good grades to get into a good college. 

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The truth is — I’m stressed out.

I don’t want to be a helicopter parent, but I also don’t know how NOT to be and get everything done that parents today are expected to do." 

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Sometimes breaking cycles looks like this. Being Sometimes breaking cycles looks like this. 
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Yesssss. Yesssss.
I’m allll about this power move at this stage of I’m allll about this power move at this stage of my life. People are having their own experience independent of me and are going to have their own assumptions, feelings, and actions about me. That’s just life. My advice? Just keep doing your thing and the people that know the real you and get to be in your safe space are the lucky ones. 
Make sure to check out my post from yesterday about self betrayal too in case you missed it. #selflove #selfvalidation #peaceofmind #safespace
"My pattern of self-betrayal has most often looked "My pattern of self-betrayal has most often looked like ignoring my intuition or quieting my own voice.
For you, it might look like “being nice” even when you’re being walked all over. Even when you’re mad at yourself afterward. For someone else, it might look like conforming. This happens in situations like the time one of my kids participated in something she told me ahead of time she didn’t want to do and then she fell apart afterward.

What self-betrayal looks like can be different for everyone.

Sometimes it’s a conscious thing we do and other times it might be a subtle habit we do to keep others around us happier than we are ourselves because of a trauma response.

It could look like being the people pleaser, or the peacemaker because that’s the role we had to play in a volatile household growing up.

The cost of self-betrayal is high though.
The cost of self-betrayal is that we no longer belong to ourselves. And if we first don’t belong to ourselves, we certainly can’t truly belong anywhere else."

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. What self-betrayal means. I hope you'll read it. New post in my substack.
Snow was falling this morning on my walk and it ca Snow was falling this morning on my walk and it calmed my heart. B R E A T H E mamas.
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These things are not selfish. 
They are how you return home to yourself.
Swipe right to see what I’ve been working on and how you can start belonging to yourself again. 
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