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By Meredith Ethington

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In the Motherhood Motherhood Parenting Practical Tips

5 Things Empty Nesters Should Say to Parents of Little Kids

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There is nothing a young mom, deep in the trenches of young parenthood, wants to hear less than, “It goes so fast” Of course these more experienced moms probably want to shake the younger generation of moms and yell, “IT WENT SO FAST! WAKE UP!” as we move through our world in a yoga-pants-wearing-zombie-like state. But, the truth is, that’s not even close to what we want to hear. But, that doesn’t mean we don’t want to hear anything. I recognize that you have experience that I don’t. And, in some ways, I want to shake you and say, “TELL ME!! It gets better, right? RIGHT??”

But, I’ve realized that every mom has to come to her own realizations about how fabulous parenthood is. How blessed she is. How amazing raising kids is. Because even when it sucks, it really is amazing. But, every mom has to realize this…

On. Her. Own.

Because, I have realized, that there is nothing I could say, or anyone else could say that has enough power to teach the lessons that every mother needs to learn by just going through it.

Ourselves.

So, I’m willing myself to be that old lady that remembers with a clear perspective. And, remembers that while it was oh so beautiful, it was also oh so damn hard.

Tell me, empty nesters, to look forward, but don’t tell me how to do it.

5 Things Empty Nesters SHOULD say to young parents
I might just be that young mom that stares into the eyes of a more experienced mom begging her to say something encouraging when my 2 year old is screaming in the parking lot because I didn’t let him buckle himself in. Tell me with encouragement, or tell me with a hug. I’m fine with either.

Maybe, as an empty nester, it’s hard to know what to do. Because the moms with little kids? Well, we can be sensitive. Very. So, here’s my advice to those well-meaning “experienced” moms that just want to shake me when they see me frazzled in the grocery store, not exactly appreciating every moment.

Here are 5 Things Empty Nesters Should Say to Parents of Little Kids

1. Say Nothing. While I know it seems like not much help to say nothing, sometimes that is just best. I know there are days where if anyone had said something even sweet, light-hearted, or joking to me on one of those I-want-to-run-away-and-live-on-a-deserted-island-and-have-a-volleyball-for-a-best-friend days, I might have not been so nice back. Instead, a kind smile, a nod, or even some sympathetic eyes can go a LONG way to healing a new mama’s heart in a bad moment.

2. You’re Doing an Awesome Job. Every parent is getting something right. Promise. Trust that the new mom who looks like her child is straight up lacking in discipline is probably doing a hundred things right at home that you can’t see. Instead of advice, simply tell her she’s doing a great job.

3. It Gets Easier. Now, this one, you have to tread lightly because…well, hormones. And, sleep deprivation. And, three year olds. But, letting a mom know that it will get better, without elaborating too much, can keep that new mama from losing it. Say something simple like, “Oh sweetie, I know how hard it is. I’ve been there. But, just keep doing what you’re doing. I promise it gets easier.” It will be really tempting to throw in there that “enjoy every moment” sentiment too, but don’t. Just give her a light at the end of the tunnel and leave that happiness and hope lingering in the air.

4. Can I help? Most moms will probably decline this sweet offer, and that’s OK. Don’t come off as the creepy person that’s going to snatch the baby, though. Instead, offer to pay for her groceries, or push her cart out to her car, or maybe make faces at the screaming baby while she is checking out to make that kid be quiet. Even if she says no, an offer of help can go a LONG way.

5. Share solidarity. I would love it, if just once, an older lady would put her hand over her heart and say, “There was this one time…” and share a story about their own rotten kids and the time they almost lost it in the grocery store. Don’t go into a 20 minute monologue. Nobody has time for that. But, instead, share a funny story about the day your kid shattered a giant jar of pickles in the checkout line or the time you lost your kid in IKEA. Even if that mom looks like a deer caught in the headlights, because you’re sharing your own bad day, you will make that mom feel better about whatever she might be going through.

You, my dear, experienced empty nester moms, might be the only adult interaction that younger mom has that day. Use it wisely. And, as a young mom myself, I promise I’ll try to be a little less sensitive, too.

 


21 Comments

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Comments

  1. Kelly L McKenzie says

    February 3, 2015 at 10:26 am

    Absolutely brilliant. Am sharing. And yes, there was this one time that my 4 year old daughter, bored out of her mind with shoe shopping in Honolulu, upended herself and started waving her legs in the air – bicycle peddling style. Dress falling down over her head. She’d neglected to put on underwear. Starkers underneath. Shortest shoe shopping trip ever.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      February 3, 2015 at 10:27 am

      haha! That’s AWESOME. And, Kelly, I have to say your comments always seem to follow these guidelines, so I’m sure you’re a great example of this in real life too. 🙂

      Reply
  2. Karen says

    February 3, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    Oh I love it!!! Right not I am in the middle of chaos , every day…or so it seems! And while I know that one day I will miss this chaos, right now it’s rough! Lol. I love it! But it’s rough 😉 Great post x

    Reply
  3. Karen says

    February 3, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    Awh great post! Love it! Right now I am in the middle of chaos, every single day. And while I know that one day I will miss this chaos, right now it is tough. I love it. Lol. But it is tough! If someone were to just give me a wee knowing smile one day, well that would just make me smile right back!

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      February 3, 2015 at 2:30 pm

      It is SO tough. I’m in the chaos too. Just feel like after 8 years, I’m FINALLY gaining perspective as a mom. 🙂

      Reply
  4. Lisa @ The Golden Spoons says

    February 3, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    This is great!! So true!! I am not an empty nester, but I have found myself to be one of the “more experienced” moms in some groups lately. I am trying to say the things that the younger moms really want and need to hear – not the fluff. Love this!

    Reply
  5. Susanne/The Dusty Parachute says

    February 4, 2015 at 8:44 am

    I especially love #2. I always love it when a nice old lady comes up when we’re at dinner and tells me how wonderfully our kids behaved during dinner (more a statement on them, but me, but I’ll take it.)

    Reply
  6. Alison says

    February 9, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    Yes, exactly! There are a few, um, “older ladies” on my FB feed who are always posting articles about how fast childhood goes, kids will be grown before we know it, we need to enjoy every minute, etc etc. While I have no doubt that in retrospect it DOES go fast (sometimes I can hardly believe my oldest is almost 8) – come on – parenting can be hard (and amazing), and some days just suck. Nobody is enjoying every single minute. And feeling like we need to with constant reminders of how they’ll be off to college in no time just exacerbates the guilt we might feel when we’re having a rough day.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      February 9, 2015 at 12:41 pm

      I totally agree!! We have enough guilt as it is!

      Reply
  7. Chris Carter says

    February 10, 2015 at 7:39 am

    YES YES YES!!!! I totally agree, Meredith! Those are perfect tips… If I had a penny for every time I felt defeated by parents of older kids, I would be a wealthy woman.

    Reply
  8. Sarah @ Thank You Honey says

    February 10, 2015 at 8:36 am

    So true! Totally agree!

    Reply
  9. Tarana says

    February 10, 2015 at 1:27 pm

    Very true! I think everyone should just appreciate moms and tell them they’re doing and awesome job, instead of making them feel worse. And, love the new look of your blog 🙂

    Reply
  10. Kristi Campbell says

    February 10, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    So true so true so true! When people tell me to treasure the moments – I KNOW! But some days, it’s 2pm and I don’t know how to fill the next six hours!! But, you know, I see it from the other side too. My one and only son is already five and there are days when I so so miss little tiny him… so a good reminder for me on that end of it too!

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      February 10, 2015 at 5:20 pm

      It REALLY goes by fast. For me too. Despite being in the thick of it still for several more years to come…

      Reply
  11. Lisa says

    February 10, 2015 at 8:47 pm

    Such great advice! While I’m almost an empty nester I remember like it was yesterday the produce manager watching me struggle with 2 toddlers and saying “You’re doing a great job Mom”. I really needed just those words and thought back to them more than once!
    Thanks for the great insight!

    Reply
  12. Jhanis says

    February 11, 2015 at 12:35 am

    I have a ten year old which sometimes makes me think I have it together, then my 3yo does something really crazy that pushes me off my pedestal. Am I gonna miss all these when they’re older? Nah, I will laugh remembering the crazy days and cry over the sucky ones but I will not miss wiping poop off my couch! LOL

    Reply
  13. Carin Kilby Clark says

    February 11, 2015 at 6:59 am

    This is an awesome post… I’m not an empty nester yet – but as the mom of a teen, tween, and almost tween whenever I see moms with younger kids amidst a meltdown I don’t hesitate to step in and offer a shoulder… we’ve ALL been there! No judgment, just the sisterhood of motherhood. <3

    Reply
  14. Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. says

    February 11, 2015 at 2:07 pm

    I. Love. This. Couldn’t agree more. Loved Glennon’s post, too– one of my all-time favorites. Maybe my actual FAVORITE blog post ever. Great wisdom here, my friend!

    Reply
  15. crystalfoose says

    December 28, 2016 at 8:12 am

    I am lucky to get to be both the experienced mom because I have a 17 year old and the mom of young kids because I also have a 2-year-old. l spend a lot of time around moms who are just starting out since I still take my littlest to playgroup. Let me tell you, I have STORIES! I usually go with number 5 and number 4 when my own toddler isn’t being ridiculous. And I am not gonna lie. It doesn’t get easier, it just gets a different kind of hard. I wrote a post that addresses this topic at the end that I think will give you a good laugh. http://sosomom.com/just-for-fun/motherhood-then-and-now

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      December 28, 2016 at 1:10 pm

      Thanks for sharing! I’ll check it out!

      Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Meredith Ethington
I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process feelings of never measuring up and feeling lIke someone else would do it better than me. 
I don’t feel like this very often anymore. But I know that there are plenty of mothers out there that do. You aren’t alone. 
The experience of Motherhood is definitely something that humbles even the most confident mothers. 
I wasn’t one to have much confidence once I began but I got there eventually. 
If you’re in this headspace of wondering if you’re enough I’m here to tell you:
1. You are. 
2. This is NORMAL. 
3. This post is for you. 
Read it on my substack now and consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. ❤️ It supports me as I hopefully support you.
I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored
I see nothing wrong here. I see nothing wrong here.
Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ik Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ikeahack #jokesfordays
This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At s This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At some point it got passed down to one of her grandchildren. Then it made its way to my house and all three of my kids have used it too. 
My middle decided he was done with it and I had no idea what to do with it. It’s almost an antique at this point and I knew my mom felt sentimental about it. It’s heavy and tiny but it has good bones as they say. 
My mom lives too far away to come get it and the grandkids are all getting too big to want this desk in their rooms. 
I walked around my little house looking for a spot for it. There really isn’t one. 
Could it be an end table? Or swapped out for an entry table? 
But then I walked into my bedroom and saw this bare wall. It’s not ideal. My husband will hate it. But I’ve been thinking that I needed a study spot in my house (in a room with a door that shuts and locks) since I’m in school again at 46 years old. 
I’m hilariously too big for this little desk but also it seems just fine for sitting and writing papers. 
The older I get, the more I realize that this life is short and I’m sure it will make my mom happy to know I’m not only hanging onto this desk a little while longer but it’s going to be used for actual school work again instead of hoarding useless scraps of paper, half filled notebooks and dull crayons no one has touched in years. 
I’m breathing life back into this desk for a few more years and it seems symbolic of my taking something old (me) and using it for something new (becoming a therapist). 
I’m not super sentimental about furniture but I’m sentimental about the people that I love. 
She loves this desk so I guess I’ll love it a little longer on her behalf. ❤️
🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: 🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: "I feel depressed that it’s back, when I had been handling things so well.
I feel hopeless that although I know it will end, that it will come back again.
I feel embarrassed that I’m sometimes mean to the ones I love most.
I feel like I want to give up.
I feel tired.
I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest thing.
I feel alone. I feel like I’m literally the only one feeling that way in that moment even though I know I’m not deep down. But, anxiety makes me feel like that.
I feel like I just would be better off if I could disappear."
First day back after a week long vacay to the fun First day back after a week long vacay to the fun of carpool and the reality of being a responsible adult is kicking my boot-ay. Can you tell? 😅
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Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑 Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑
Just like building muscles in our body, to have go Just like building muscles in our body, to have good mental health we need to build muscles in our brains as well. What does that look like? 

For me, it often looks like practicing things that make me uncomfortable. 
Saying no. Setting boundaries. Sitting in discomfort with feelings I don't like. Being OK if someone is mad at me. Learning to validate MYSELF. You get the idea. 
But, really it can be anything that you need to work on but makes you feel REALLY uncomfortable. So much so that it feels like your brain is literally rejecting it. If you want to build that muscle in your brain that is OK with disappointing people in favor of your own mental health, you have to treat it like muscle building in your body. 

1. Do it often enough. 
2. Start small, and work your way up. 
3. Go heavy when you're ready. 

Practicing it often enough is really when you're going to get big results. Soon you'll get used to those negative feelings that come along with telling someone no and knowing they're disappointed. You'll build up endurance to tolerate the feelings and be able to sit with them and let them go. And finally, it will become second nature to you to do all those things you didn't think you could do. Just like strength training for a marathon - consider strength training for your mind. 

One thing I'm working on is telling myself I'm OK. I struggle with seeking validation from others when really I need to be seeking validation from myself. Because MYSELF is good, worthy, and OK 99% of the time. 

What are you practicing right now? I'd love to hear if this is true for you.
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