I’m so excited for my guest blogger today! Rachael from Mummy Flying Solo is an awesome single mama that astounds me with her ability to be so introspective, and be a good mom to her little man. And, she does incredibly brave things in my eyes like go on a trip to Mexico by herself. Her post fits in perfectly with what I wrote about earlier this week. Patience. But, not just that, her post is one that I needed to hear today. So, maybe you need to hear it too. She’s been a loyal reader here, and I’m so grateful for her friendship in the blogging world. Want to be part of my Be Brave Series? Go here.
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When I was young my mother would say to me “Patience is a virtue”. I remember it clearly as she said it often and she said it often as I never had any. I think my internal response to this was always along the lines of Whatever. This didn’t change much as I moved into adulthood.
I was impatient at bad drivers and stupid people; people who took too long to order at the sandwich shop; and people who worked too slowly serving the customers in front of me. It’s not rocket science was a favourite phrase of mine. Work it out people! Get moving!
I was a toe tapping, fast walking, fidgeting, impatient little so and so. Not to mention a massive control freak.
And then I became a mother.
It was hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my whole life. I think I spent the first 6 months in awe of anyone who had more than one child. And while things didn’t go too badly initially by about the 13 month mark my patience was at an all time low.
I hated that age. My child seemed to whine incessantly and spent his entire waking moments trying to touch power points and pull the modem plug out of the wall. It drove me bananas and I was slowly losing it. When my repeated don’t touch that, it’s dangerous pleas were constantly ignored I moved to yelling and smacks on the hand. Not hard and not too frequent but frequent enough. They did nothing to help my case. They made him sad and me guilty and both of us worked up. And what do worked up feelings breed? More frustrating behaviour and worked up feelings.
It wasn’t working.
And then, through the wondrous world that is blogging, I stumbled onto the Orange Rhino Challenge. For those of you who haven’t heard of it the Orange Rhino Challenge was one mother’s personal journey of not yelling at her children for 365 days and it had some remarkable results. I never took the Challenge officially but I started to read a lot about it and I became particularly interested in her alternatives to yelling. She has a list of 100 things she has done instead of yell and by God, I loved that list.
I read it. And then I read it again. And then I read it some more. And then one more time for good luck. I bookmarked that sucker and went back to it time and time again. And when my patience was wearing then I did one of her 100 things. Or I came up with some of my own.
The most valuable tool I found was that one little question: Why? If I was feeling frustrated by my son’s behaviour was it really because of what he was doing or was it more because I was tired that day and therefore less tolerant? Was it because I was trying to achieve too many things at once so feeling frustrated if his behaviour demanded more attention from me? What was invoking my response?
When I asked myself this question and was truly honest with myself about my reasons it became clear that sometimes, even many times, my feeling of impatience were more about me than him. Interestingly this also applied in many other areas of my life in which I often felt large degrees of impatience.
What’s more, regardless of whose fault it was, I always had a choice. I could choose to react negatively or I could choose to react positively. And while the positive path of search and discovery was almost always the longest path in the instant (it’s easier to yell, right?) it yielded, by far, a better long term result.
It soothed where yelling ignited. It calmed where screaming roared. It promoted happiness and harmony where smacking and yelling bred unhappiness and fear.
In short, it was worth the effort.
And soon it wasn’t an effort anymore. It just became a way of life. And I felt SO. MUCH. HAPPIER.
I’m not perfect; I still screw it all up from time to time, some weeks more frequently than others. But I’m cool with that as it happens so infrequently that I can’t tell you the last time I smacked or yelled at my kid. I’m imperfectly patient in the sea of my frustrations.
As Meredith’s post on patience this week suggests, it is unlikely any of us will ever have the perfect patience. But what I also know is this: life isn’t perfect. Anywhere. Not freaking anywhere. But it can be better. WE can be better.
I also don’t believe that finding true patience is about never feeling frustrated. Of course I still get frustrated by my son’s behaviour some days; or by the idiot driving in front of me; or by the rude person at the shops. That’s normal. True patience is feeling the frustration and choosing to act in a way that doesn’t fuel its flames.
I love this Wikipedia entry as it tells it straight and, quite frankly, better than me.
Patience (or forbearing) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation WITHOUT ACTING ON annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one can take before negativity. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast.
In case you didn’t see the bit I bolded, capitalised and underlined it says this: WITHOUT ACTING ON.
So that’s my quest in life. When I feel provoked, don’t act on it. And if my compassion and understanding completely escapes me that day, then I just scream into my pillow instead.
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Rachael is a sometimes blogging, always mummying, single mum of a 2 year old little boy. They live a happy seaside life in a small coastal northern NSW town in Australia. You can check out some of her other thoughts about the world at www.mummyflyingsolo.com. You can also follow her on Twitter, or better yet, on Bloglovin’.
Oh my god, look at those beautiful things you said about me! Wow! I feel like I’m reading about somebody else. She sounds cool 😉 In all seriousness, thank you. Thank you for your kind words, for having me on your blog and also enjoying the post. The trifecta! Your blog is awesomeness and I’m stoked to have had the chance to post on here. Have an awesome weekend 🙂 Rachael
You deserve every compliment. Thanks for a fabulous guest post! I sincerely loved it.
So glad it’s working for you! The orange rhino challenge does help! My son tells me I’m not such a monstet anymore. LOL
lol I’m sure my son would tell me too if he had the words. So pleased it is working for you too, Jhanis!
I love this post! And you deserve the kind words and all the credits because of always challenging yourself to improve and become a better version of yourself.
xox Angelique
Awwww thank you! 🙂 x
This is such a great post, Rachael (and thanks, Meredith, for sharing it!) 🙂
Babies and toddlers reeeaaalllyy know how to bring out some hidden things about us, and impatience is surely one of the big ones! 😉 What a wonderful thing you did, focusing on alternatives to yelling! And I LOVE the asking-WHY?-thing!! So true. Keep up the awesome job, mummy!
Thanks, Valerie! So pleased you enjoyed the post and yes, kiddies really DO know how to push those buttons. Little experts!!
As you know from my recent post on patience (or lack of), I don’t feel like I excel in this area. BUT, I have far more patience since becoming a parent than ever before. There is no way not to grow a bit in that area; kids are challenging and there so very many things we just can’t control. For me, it got so much harder after my son was born. The juggling back and forth between their needs and then their competition for attention is hard. I am definitely going to check out the 100 ways not to yell site. I don’t scream or yell very much but I get very frustrated and sometimes feel I’m almost growling in my attempt not to yell. Not sure which is worse. ha! Great post as always, Rachael…and that Mexico trip WAS brave!
haha thanks, Kerry! It was also fun 😉 Yeah the patience thing is a real tester. I think, as humans, we will always be working on it to some degree. The 100 things are great as it creates a diversion, gives you time out and then you can think about how you really want to react to something. More than one kid is doubly hard and as they get older and become impetuous (a phase you are now in 😉 I’m sure it gets trickier again. Having only one child and a reaonsably young one at that I still have a lot to learn and a lot of tests coming I think. There’s be plenty of the screaming in pillows days. I know it!
Rachael, what a great post! We are so much alike it is scary! That was the age I struggled with Mr. T – and probably the year I yelled the most! Being impatient and type A controlling I bought him velcro shoes because I didn’t want to wait for him to tie his shoes “by myself”. Yup, I sucked as a mom! 🙂 I had to learn, not to find my patience, but to remember my love. Hopefully I’m a better mom now than I was – heck, hopefully I’m a better person! Congrats to making some positive changes for you and Monkey!
Oh I love this comment: “I had to learn, not to find my patience, but to remember my love”
That is so true and so much of what it is like. I always try to remind myself too that he is only a child and although he seems to be really smart and learning things so quickly he is still only little and it all just takes time. Thanks for reading 🙂
Wow. I think I’d heard of the Challenge before, but I’d definitely forgotten about it. Also, LOVE how you called attention back to the definition of patience. I’m a fast reader, so sometimes I skip important details. And you made sure I didn’t. Thank you. Meredith, great choice on the guest blogger. Two thumbs up!
Thanks, Kim! It’s pretty awesome to get the stamp of approval from one of Meredith’s regular readers! I am pleased my style worked well for you!
Great post! All so true! Especially I felt the line about “Am I trying to do too much?” That’s when I am the most impatient… I also found (for me) if I have less clutter, I am more patient. So as stupid as it may sound, I put child-locks on most all cupboards and put cluttering toys up! … My mother-in-law has the patience of Job. She always amazes me. Kind of an inspiration…Anyhow, good post!
I think less clutter makes us feel we have less to do so it’s all linked. I should actually work harder in getting Monkey to clean up the toys actually as I do always feel really good and calm when the space is tidy. Great tip! Yes some people really do seem to come naturally to patience. It’s a gift.
Thank you for mentioning that you still get frustrated. I think we all do and I get frustrated with folks who swear that they no longer do. It’s fine to still get frustrated – the secret is as you say to not act on that frustration.
Lovely honest post. As a single mom to an 18 and a 20 year old (how did they get so old so quick?) I salute your efforts!
Oh wow and I salute yours! Single mum to 2 grown children now. You have truly done the hard yards! The teen years terrify me. Hope I can implement these lovely calming principals when I get to that point!
So nicely written. I’ve heard of this Orange Rhino Challenge, but I’ve never really read it too thoroughly…..until right this minute. As a mom who struggles with patience every day….thanks for posting:)
And thank you for reading!! I’m so glad you enjoyed the post and got something out of it. When I was writing about the Orange Rhino Challenge I was worried I was rehashing “old news” for people but your comment is a fantastic reminder that just because some of us have come across something doesn’t mean all of us have. It is OK to keep on sharing. Thanks for your comment. And good luck. Patience is tough. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve gone too much the other way and become a pushover but we’re getting there. We’re working it all out. And I know you will too 🙂
I remember reading the Orange Rhino Challenge. Like you, I never took it up but definitely some great ideas. The toddler years are such a test. Between their inability to understand and how tired we generally feel from busy days it is way too easy to take the quick option. I’m generally very patient with kids at home and at school. But I still have next to no patience for waiting in queues for anything. I just walk away. Even left groceries in a trolley and walked out of the supermarket. Well, they really should put on more staff! I find myself putting my hand up and requesting just that! Embarrasses my kids hugely! So they’ll have to learn some patience with me. 🙂
We’re not perfect. The very fact that we try to find ways to become better says a lot about our desire to be the best we can be. It’s a long haul.
Great post, Rachael. x
Walking away is so much better than some of the other alternatives in that situation!! And yes, nobody and nothing is perfect. In fact, I’d go as far to say that life is beautifully imperfect. 🙂 Thanks for reading! I see you are posting under your name now as well, Anne-Marie! 🙂