Mom University: Tween Edition

I was on vacation last week, and have had a whirlwind of activity, and family visiting. So, Manic Mondays just wasn’t going to happen. But, I hope you’re not sick of Mom U yet. Because, as promised, I present you with Mom U: Tween Edition.

I don’t have a tween…yet, but my sister does, and she is realizing that she is entering a whole new territory of parenting. I pretty much think my sister Lindsey is the most awesome person on the planet, so I was excited to force her to use her amazing writing skills, and whip these up for me with a tiny bit of help from me. Since her kids are older, I’m the lucky one and get to learn from her amazing mom skills as she raises my precious niece and nephew. But, this one today, is in honor of HER tween (whom I love VERY much) and will hopefully help some other tween moms out there too!

Fake it ’til you make it This course is essential in helping parents of tweens cling to whatever interest your tween may still have left in YOU. Remember how you cried three days ago about the fact that your tween no longer needs you quite enough for your liking? This course will help you multi-task in those rare moments your tween does want to engage. Take for example, when you’re trying to complete a really important project and he now wants to recount every detail of the show he just watched (including face expressions, body movements and exact inflections of each character’s voice…did I mention this was a Pokemon show?). With this class you will be able to master sounding interested in what he is interested in, so he will at least still talk to you (and get your project done at the same time!)

Face Freeze 101 This class will teach you the ever useful, completely expressionless ‘face freeze’! This comes in handy when your child is repeating information that “Mike” from his Math class so kindly shared with him about how babies are “really made.” Once you have mastered the face freeze and showing absolutely no expression in shocking conversations, we will move on to a more complicated task: looking completely calm and introspective during these vomit-inducing talks. You will be able to appear as though you are reflecting on something while you are actually experiencing internal panic.

Open Communication This class can only be taken by those who have mastered Face Freeze 101. This class will teach you to create an open line of communication between you and your tween, enabling you to discuss things that you wish didn’t even exist. Like, how babies are made, online predators, bullying, and whatever other horrific thing pops up on the internet. This class will help you use a method of talking to your tween that will work instead of using the old tried and true method of our parents which was “they’ll find out from their friends….eventually”.

Anti-Helicoptering This class will be highly challenging for the average parent today. Today’s popular helicopter parents may even fail this course the first time they take it. But, hey! Maybe that will teach YOU the importance of failing. This course is designed to teach you exactly how much to let go when your child is struggling with learning responsibility. You will learn valuable lessons like “How to let your child fail a test” and “How to NOT do your child’s homework for them” (even when you know they will fail).

Scare ‘Em Straight This class will teach you catchy phrases to throw at your tween to keep them wanting to stay young forever and respect you. Things like: “…and then you will forever have to tell people you are a sex offender” or “….imagine a really painful poo times 1,000. That amount of pain is equal to the amount of respect I deserve for eternity for giving birth to you.” will be phrases you learn how to say with seriousness and meaning. After this class, your child will be in no hurry to become an adult, and may be slightly scared of how much you know, too. *(the above statements are completely hypothetical and definitely have never escaped my sweet lips)

Enjoy It While It Lasts This class will help you count your blessings during the tween years. You will tell yourself things like, “At least they aren’t dating yet”, “At least they aren’t an actual teen yet”, “At least they will sometimes give me hugs still.”, “At least they aren’t driving yet”. This class will help you realize that it all could be so SO much worse. They could be an actual, sullen, real-life, full-of-angst, know it all TEEN. You will leave this class with a fresh perspective on the tween years, and realize that there is still some of that sweet innocence left in there somewhere. You just have to look for a it a little harder now.

What classes would YOU add to our Mom University Tween Edition?

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