Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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Blogging Encouragement In the Motherhood Inspiration Mental Health Parenting

Am I Real? The Question That Started “Mommy Blogging”

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I was always a deeply emotional child. If I had a dollar for every time I was told I was being too sensitive, or that I was overreacting, or that I needed to stop crying (or whining), I would be a bajillionaire.

As an adult, this part of me that felt all things big and small has been simultaneously a badge of honor and a curse. The beauty of being highly sensitive, emotive, or an empath is that I can deeply feel my friends’ feelings, my spouse’s, my kids’, the lady checking out ahead of me in the grocery store. I’m deeply tuned in to the nuances of human behavior.

It’s why I love people watching so much. It’s why I want to be a therapist.

The curse of being highly sensitive/emotional/empathic is that as a child, I wasn’t taught how to regulate emotionally.

No one was validating or sitting with my feelings on a regular basis. I would get hugs and affection and love. But, no one with any concrete skills for emotional regulation was raising me. So there I was as an adult that had all these big, big feelings she never learned how to deal with, and the result is that I had to reparent myself while also trying to raise my own children with no tools or skills to speak of.

For years, I thought I was sharing my story to help other moms.

That was genuine desire of my heart. But, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing as a parent anymore than the next person. So I have been writing into the void about my experience. I’ve been making memes joking about the craziness of motherhood and found solidarity when I voiced how hard it was.

Yet, I realized today what my real motive was. I can’t believe it took me this long.

I wanted to know if I was real.

2009 when I became a mom of two

I was listening to Episode 130 of We Can Do Hard Things (Glennon Doyle’s podcast) this morning and I had an aha moment that hit me out of nowhere. They were interviewing the famous Dr. Becky and the episode was talking about raising kids and learning to parent ourselves. I am kind of obsessed with attachment, and trauma, and parenting (so highly recommend this episode). But, what hit me was something I had never heard before and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Dr. Becky was speaking to how when you don’t validate a child’s emotions, it causes an existential crisis of sorts. Kids wonder if they are real if they have big emotions and no one is validating those or seeing them.

Validating a child’s emotions (and I’d argue an adult’s too) is a way that we can help them know that they are real.

They matter.

Their emotions are valid.

They are not broken or abnormal or a non-human being.

They are real.

So often as a child, when I had these big emotions, I was seeking the answer to the question, Am I Real?

Of course I was real. I mean, our logical brains know that if we are living and breathing we’re real. But, perhaps our emotional brains need a little more reassurance. Especially when we’re children.

Yet, so often, my big emotions around just existing and being this highly emotional, highly sensitive child were not validated, or seen as real.

Instead, as parents we use gaslighting as a parenting strategy.

I didn’t come up with that – they said it in the podcast, but boy did that hit me hard. And, this is not to dis my own parents for my not validating my emotions or even seeing them. I’m guilty because I’ve done the same things with my kids and their feelings. My instinct when feelings get big is to say:

Stop crying.

It’s not scary! It’s fiiine.

C’mon. It’s no big deal.

So this kid who had all these big feelings and altruistic motives grew up into an adult who had kids and didn’t know what the hell she was doing.

The result?

I became a mom blogger.

Makes total sense doesn’t it? Because who wouldn’t want to listen to me, the emotionally dysregulated new parent talk about new motherhood?

Well, it turns out that people did want to hear what I had to say. And now I know why. Because they wanted to know if they were real too.

Motherhood threw me into an experience where my emotions were all over the place and I was conditioned to believe I was supposed to love and cherish, and enjoy every second of it.

But, the honest truth was – I didn’t. I mean, yes I loved some of it. Parts of it. A lot of it, really. But, I also had negative feelings and thoughts and experiences around it, too. Not very many people were talking about those. I rarely heard people say that it felt impossible some days, or that they questioned if they were ever supposed to be a mother.

So, I started writing about it.

I’ve always said writing has helped me just as must as it’s helped other people, and now I know why.

I wanted to know that I was real.

I needed my audience of struggling mothers to tell me that it was OK that I was struggling because they were struggling too. I craved knowing that my feelings of anxiety and depression and worry and fear and sadness and angst around being a mother were normal.

I needed someone to validate that I wasn’t alone.

I needed to know that my motherhood experience was real. I needed to know that I was real.

I needed to reach out into the internet void and have a proverbial hand reach back and grab mine and say, “Don’t worry. Motherhood IS hard. This IS real. You ARE enough even with these big, big feelings.”

I suspect many women that read mommy blogs back in the day, and many women that follow me now want to know the same thing about their experience with parenting:

Am I real? Which really means – Am I OK? Am I doing this right? Is this what it’s supposed to be?

For all these years of writing about parenting online and being a “mom blogger” I thought I just wanted to support other moms. I did. I do. I absolutely do.

But, I realized today that my existential crisis was the motivating factor in all of it.

I needed to know that my messy, unpredictable, anxiety inducing experience as a mom was like someone else’s.

That little child still within me that wondered all the time if she was real, or enough with all those big emotions, still needed to know if she is real now.

Am I the mom? Am I the one that’s supposed to know how to do this? Are these feelings normal?

Perhaps a lot of your favorite mom bloggers are really just willing to put their existential crisis out into the universe in the hopes that the universe gives something back to them.

The answer we’re all searching for in this parenting journey.

Am I the mom? Am I the one that’s supposed to know how to do this? Are these feelings normal?

Am I real?

I realized today that was perhaps the motive all those years ago behind why I became a “mommy blogger.” I was really just having an existential crisis.

And I finally have the answer for all of us.

You are good. You are enough. This is hard. It’s going to be OK. You are normal. You might be screwing some things up, but they’ll forgive you. You are a good mom.

Yes, you are real.


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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

The Mother Load

Perfection Pending on Instagram

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

Read the rest in my substack ❤️
New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression
"I don't care" as I literally care about every sin "I don't care" as I literally care about every single thing.
I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

Yes, even for you Karen. ➡️➡️ to keep reading.
Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mea Yes. Boundaries are healthy and good. And they mean someone loves you that much to communicate them! Love this wisdom from @wittyidiot
NEW POST ----> "This is not a post about loss of a NEW POST ----> "This is not a post about loss of a loved one. Or loss of a child. Those things are real, and they’re heart wrenching. And, this post is certainly not to compare that loss with the one I’m going to talk about.

But, the loss of yourself in motherhood is real. And It’s not talked about enough." 

Do you feel like you lost yourself in motherhood? How? I really want to know. 

Psss - I am in grad school to become a therapist, and am not ashamed to ask that you subscribe to my paid substack. I just lowered the cost to $36/year! That's like $4/month and you'll have access to all my previous posts, and some new weekly short posts to give you ideas to help with balancing motherhood and your own mental health. I'm learning a lot in school, and will only continue to do so, so subscribe and we'll support each other. ❤️
This memory made me laugh this morning. 🤣 This memory made me laugh this morning. 🤣
Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon Saaaame. @womenwhorunwiththemoon
I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and I’m sorry are you really wearing doc martens and a dress with spaghetti straps and a Tshirt under it while you’re telling me I’m doing it wrong? 🤣 Life is wild. Teenagers are fun.
Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s th Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s the moral of the story friends? If you think your household is always sick - it’s because they probably are. Kids make everything more germ-y
Here’s what I do know 👇 No one knows what th Here’s what I do know 👇

No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
Our kids love us anyway. 
We’re all going to be OK. 
You’ve got this (as much as any of us do) 😘

#momspiration #momlife #funnymoms #memtalhealth #parentinglife #parentingquotes
"By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to "By trying to be perfect, we're actually trying to avoid being human." 

Do you struggle with perfectionism? Parenthood has helped me quite a bit, but It's something I've battled my whole life. I still struggle occasionally, although it's gotten better. But, let's stop trying to avoid being human and instead embrace ourselves an in turn embrace the entire human race. ❤️ I'd love to hear how you embrace being imperfect. 

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Mood. Mood.
Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
It’s true! Researchers have found that as long a It’s true! Researchers have found that as long as you’re doing the repair after mistakes the other times - then 30% is enough! Sometimes I worry I’m not doing it right but I definitely know I’m doing it right 30% of the time! 
Probably a whole lot more to be honest. I bet you are too. #momlife #encouragement #momspiration
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