Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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Be Brave Guest Post Series Guest Bloggers Guest Post Motherhood Parenting

Be Brave. Do Something Uncomfortable.

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I love, love, LOVE this post by Shannon from Orangon.com. Sometimes, I have a hard time adding extra things to my plate as a Mom, but I’ve realized that when I do, I learn and grow. That takes bravery. Her blog is super inspiring too. It is about helping others live a healthier life, and have more energy to do the things they want to do. What mom doesn’t want more energy? You should totally check out her blog. But, first, read her post!! Want to be part of my Be Brave Guest Series? Go here.

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I hate that moment – thank awkward painful silent moment when someone stands up in from of a room of people and asks for a volunteer. I don’t mean the easy stuff, like bringing a bag of shredded cheese to the teacher appreciation lunch (totally nailed that one!). I mean the big stuff. In that moment of strained quiet, I see every reason I don’t want to volunteer for that particular task dance across the stage of my mind. I don’t have time to do that. That will take away from these other things I want to do. I’m not qualified/skilled/smart enough to do that. And sometimes I just flat out don’t want to do it. Yet somehow despite all my hesitations I ended up volunteering for one of the most demanding, difficult, and all consuming volunteer positions I’ve come across.

I volunteered to coach my son’s U5 coed soccer team.

The funny part is I didn’t even wait for someone to ask. My older son had been in the soccer league for three years before, so I knew that every season there was an all call for someone, anyone, to step up and coach because there are never enough coaches. Tyler had been watching his older brother play soccer for years and it was finally his turn to be on a team of his own. For the first time he would get to be on a team and wear a jersey and go to practice and I was so excited for him. In the thrill of the moment of completing the online registration, I checked the box saying yes I want to coach. I wanted to share in this new experience with him because somewhere inside I knew it would be memorable.

be brave

watching older brother play

No more excuses

After I signed up I had to figure out how in the world I was going to do this. I needed to knock each of those excuses down.

  • I don’t have time. Well who does have time? I may have three kids but I have as much time as anybody else. I don’t have a full time job like lots of parents. Our baby was walking and easier to watch on the sidelines. The biggest hassle would be driving Zach to his practice and then getting to Tyler’s practice. I knew I would have to somehow find a way to finagle it so that Tyler and Zach had practice at the exact same place at the exact same time. That would help.
  • It will take away from the other things I want to do. Youth sports are great. They also take up a lot of time. I knew that every Saturday morning for the next 12 weeks would be filled with soccer. No running errands, no sleeping in, no finishing projects on the to do list, no hikes in the mountains, or bike rides on the trail. Was I really ok with that? After letting that roll around in my mind for a while I realized that I was ok with that, because I knew that my kids really do like to play. And part of why my son likes it is because for a hour on Saturday morning our attention revolves totally around watching him play. And it is so fun to watch him play. What can compete with that?
  • I’m not qualified/skilled/smart enough to do that. In this instance, this particular excuses didn’t get very far. I mean, I did study and teach physical education. I had spent the last ten years coaching collegiate volleyball full time. I was working on a manuscript of a book about how to get children more activity. Compared to most people, I was probably qualified. But even with this background in coaching, I was still really scared. I had never, ever played soccer. I knew so very little about soccer. My only experience with soccer was a two week unit in a class in college. This fact made me terrified.

In the trenches

With all of my excuses out of the way, and all the logistics worked out, it was time to start the season. And in our first practice I remembered that coaching U5 soccer is not about knowing anything about soccer. It’s not even really about coaching. It’s about getting them to pay attention. This is a near impossible task. Trying to get five year olds to pay attention at the same time is like trying to nail jello to the wall. It takes a whole lot of work, and never seems to stick.

This one is drawing in the dirt.

That one is watching an airplane go overhead.

Those two are chasing each other in a circle.

And these two are looking at me. Well one is looking at me, the other one is holding my leg. And he wont let go. No seriously let go, I just need to, no let go. Ok there. Now the one who was looking at me is spinning around.

And this is what every single practice is like. The games are a little better. Not much.

So my husband and I sat down to strategize. I decided to try to keep their attention in 5 minute stretches. I would have three activities prepared for each practice. If I taught them three things in each practice then it was a resounding success. In one practice I tried to teach them 1) when dribbling keep it close to your body, little touches 2) when the other team is dribbling, run to get in front of them and kick it away 3) go for it, this is not the time to practice “sharing”. And each practice had a list. Sometimes I got through the list and sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I came home from practice exhausted with no voice, certain that the only thing I accomplished was that they ran around a lot. Running is good, right?

I learned a lot about my son from this. For one thing I learned that he is more social then I realized. He only wanted to play when his friend was in the game. If I took his friend out he wanted to come out too. When the other team had the ball he would run fast enough to catch up to them then slow down to run along side of them and chat. “Hey, you have the ball. Good job.”

I also learned that he does NOT like it when his hands get cold. In the pacific northwest we play soccer in the rain a lot. If I remembered to put gloves on Tyler he made it a lot longer in the cold before he started complaining. There was one day when the weather forgot that this is Seattle and dumped torrential buckets of rain I haven’t seen outside of the gulf coast. Even in this rain storm we played on until literally I turned to the sidelines to see five children shivering, soaked and refusing to play anymore.

Letting me know that he was ready for his turn to come out.

Letting me know that he was ready for his turn to come out.

On the plus side, our little girl got to spend a lot of time at the playground with her daddy.

IMG_0262

It’s a long season

The hardest part was going back again and again even after a particularly rough practice. I figure I can do anything for a day, but it takes commitment to keep going. Even when I was quite sure I was teaching them nothing and our team would never score a goal I kept going. The good news is that eventually we did score a goal. My patience grew. I learned key words that really worked to help our team pay attention at key moments during the game. The fall season ended and everyone was happy. Our little team got gift bags and everyone thanked me for standing out there.

And I learned to be brave

Be Brave. Do Something Uncomfortable.

And when it was time to sign up for the spring season I agreed to coach again. I had tried to get their attention, sometimes with success. I had yelled “look at the ball” countless times. I had left the field feeling completely useless and walked over and survived. Any those little children in shin guards and t-shirts too big were actually better at soccer then when we started. And if I could do it once I can do it again. Our spring season is now halfway done and I’m proud to say that we score lots of goals now. And everyone is still happy and having fun.

This pushed me out of my comfort zone in so many ways. There were times I felt vulnerable, frustrated, and completely ineffective. And I had to learn to be ok with that. I learned that I have a lot more patience then I realized. People would come up to me after games and say “wow, you are so patient with them! How do you do it?” The answer is I have no idea. I guess we do what we need to do.

I don’t know if Tyler knows that it is really fun for me to have this time with just him. I’d like to say that we’ve had a touching moment when he thanked me for coaching but we haven’t. And that’s ok because I didn’t do it to get his thanks. I did it because I just wanted to share this moment with him. And I have and it was totally worth it.

I do NOT believe that parents always have to volunteer to coach, or be the room mom, or the den mother. To the contrary I think it is healthy for kids to have time away from their parents. But sometimes that awkward moment is really an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to show that you care.

1285fe5c92e0ae84910a02867ec9899fI am a wife and mother of three writing about health, fitness, and family. I’m a former NCAA D1 coach turned stay at home mom and fitness consultant. I want everyone to live a life of healthy adventure and peaceful sunsets. Get your orange on! You can follow me on facebook (http://www.facebook.com/shannonellis2) twitter (http://www.twitter.com/theorangeon) pinterest (http://www.pinterest.com/theorangeon) on on my blog (http://theorangeon.com) 

 


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  1. Chris Carter says

    May 11, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    What an experience you had because you stepped up and DID IT!! I can only imagine how challenging it was to dedicate this much time and energy to the soccer team. Good for YOU for taking on such a hard task, and making ‘room’ for it in your life. You are so right… sometimes you need to make that bold step into the unknown and shift your priorities a bit to make it work. Bravo mom!

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Meredith Ethington
Working on figuring out my mission as we speak. ❤️
Is anyone else like this? #dietcokeaddict #pebblei Is anyone else like this? #dietcokeaddict #pebbleice #adhd #momlifebelike
Hello friends, it’s me. Meredith. Here are a f Hello friends, it’s me. Meredith. 

Here are a few things I’d tell you if I could call you all up: 

❤️ It’s ok to say no to things.

❤️ Your kiddos don’t need perfection - they need real. Emotional, Messy, flawed, etc. It helps them know their emotions are valid. 

❤️ Having anxiety or depression does not mean you’re an inadequate parent. 

❤️ Never be ashamed of asking for help or going on medication if necessary. 

❤️Kids can be draining. Take time for yourself. I promise you’ll be able to be a better, more present parent if you do this. 

❤️ Boundaries are your friend. People that make you feel like you’re not enough are not. 

Hang in there. It doesn’t get easier - like at all. But you get stronger.
I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process I wrote this a few years ago. It helped me process feelings of never measuring up and feeling lIke someone else would do it better than me. 
I don’t feel like this very often anymore. But I know that there are plenty of mothers out there that do. You aren’t alone. 
The experience of Motherhood is definitely something that humbles even the most confident mothers. 
I wasn’t one to have much confidence once I began but I got there eventually. 
If you’re in this headspace of wondering if you’re enough I’m here to tell you:
1. You are. 
2. This is NORMAL. 
3. This post is for you. 
Read it on my substack now and consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. ❤️ It supports me as I hopefully support you.
I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored I certainly didn’t. @a.mom.uncensored
I see nothing wrong here. I see nothing wrong here.
Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ik Still not there yet. 😑 #ikea #momlifebelike #ikeahack #jokesfordays
This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At s This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At some point it got passed down to one of her grandchildren. Then it made its way to my house and all three of my kids have used it too. 
My middle decided he was done with it and I had no idea what to do with it. It’s almost an antique at this point and I knew my mom felt sentimental about it. It’s heavy and tiny but it has good bones as they say. 
My mom lives too far away to come get it and the grandkids are all getting too big to want this desk in their rooms. 
I walked around my little house looking for a spot for it. There really isn’t one. 
Could it be an end table? Or swapped out for an entry table? 
But then I walked into my bedroom and saw this bare wall. It’s not ideal. My husband will hate it. But I’ve been thinking that I needed a study spot in my house (in a room with a door that shuts and locks) since I’m in school again at 46 years old. 
I’m hilariously too big for this little desk but also it seems just fine for sitting and writing papers. 
The older I get, the more I realize that this life is short and I’m sure it will make my mom happy to know I’m not only hanging onto this desk a little while longer but it’s going to be used for actual school work again instead of hoarding useless scraps of paper, half filled notebooks and dull crayons no one has touched in years. 
I’m breathing life back into this desk for a few more years and it seems symbolic of my taking something old (me) and using it for something new (becoming a therapist). 
I’m not super sentimental about furniture but I’m sentimental about the people that I love. 
She loves this desk so I guess I’ll love it a little longer on her behalf. ❤️
🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: 🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: "I feel depressed that it’s back, when I had been handling things so well.
I feel hopeless that although I know it will end, that it will come back again.
I feel embarrassed that I’m sometimes mean to the ones I love most.
I feel like I want to give up.
I feel tired.
I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest thing.
I feel alone. I feel like I’m literally the only one feeling that way in that moment even though I know I’m not deep down. But, anxiety makes me feel like that.
I feel like I just would be better off if I could disappear."
First day back after a week long vacay to the fun First day back after a week long vacay to the fun of carpool and the reality of being a responsible adult is kicking my boot-ay. Can you tell? 😅
Yup. 😂 @themumcrew Yup. 😂 @themumcrew
Best thrift find ever. 😂 Best thrift find ever. 😂
Mental health matters. ❤️ Mental health matters. ❤️
You get the full tour if you’re my friend. You get the full tour if you’re my friend.
Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑 Because apparently it belongs to no one. 😑
Just like building muscles in our body, to have go Just like building muscles in our body, to have good mental health we need to build muscles in our brains as well. What does that look like? 

For me, it often looks like practicing things that make me uncomfortable. 
Saying no. Setting boundaries. Sitting in discomfort with feelings I don't like. Being OK if someone is mad at me. Learning to validate MYSELF. You get the idea. 
But, really it can be anything that you need to work on but makes you feel REALLY uncomfortable. So much so that it feels like your brain is literally rejecting it. If you want to build that muscle in your brain that is OK with disappointing people in favor of your own mental health, you have to treat it like muscle building in your body. 

1. Do it often enough. 
2. Start small, and work your way up. 
3. Go heavy when you're ready. 

Practicing it often enough is really when you're going to get big results. Soon you'll get used to those negative feelings that come along with telling someone no and knowing they're disappointed. You'll build up endurance to tolerate the feelings and be able to sit with them and let them go. And finally, it will become second nature to you to do all those things you didn't think you could do. Just like strength training for a marathon - consider strength training for your mind. 

One thing I'm working on is telling myself I'm OK. I struggle with seeking validation from others when really I need to be seeking validation from myself. Because MYSELF is good, worthy, and OK 99% of the time. 

What are you practicing right now? I'd love to hear if this is true for you.
Love this so much. @nellie_scales Love this so much. @nellie_scales
If you’ve loved anything I’ve written, conside If you’ve loved anything I’ve written, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber on Substack where you won’t miss any of my posts. Here’s the latest - link in profile. 

#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #mentalhealthawareness #stopthestigmamentalillness
For the moms fighting all the battles no one sees. For the moms fighting all the battles no one sees. My latest on substack. ❤️ Link in profile
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