Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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In the Motherhood Inspiration Mental Health Mom Life Motherhood

Being a mom is too much for me. What should I do?

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Many women want to be mothers so badly, until they have a child, and then they wonder – Is being a mom too much for me? If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone.

Motherhood comes with a lot of ups and downs. It’s normal to feel like being a mom is too much.

It’s just that women don’t usually say this out loud, so we often feel alone when we feel like it isn’t normal to be tired of being a mom.

But, I’m here to tell you that it IS normal to have days when you don’t want to be a mom.

It’s normal to feel like being a mom is too much, too. Maybe you’ve even asked yourself why you wanted to be a mother so badly in the first place?

Society puts a lot of pressure on women to become mothers. From the time we are little girls, we’re given baby dolls to play with, and taught how to babysit. We’re also taught that girls are more nurturing naturally, and that we should want children.

But, to be honest – I wish we would normalize that being a mother is too much for some women.

So, is being a mom worth it or not?

I would say it depends. Looking back with the hindsight of 16 years of parenting under my belt, I can say that yes – it’s been worth it for me. Are there things I wish I would have done differently? Hell, yes.

Did I make mistakes? Also yes.

Do I sometimes think maybe my kids would be better off with a different mother? Um, yes.

In fact, there have been times that I have been afraid that maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mother because it is so damn hard.

Have I also thought to myself, “Being a mom is too much for me.” YES. Of course, I have.

But, the reality is, only YOU know if you are willing to become a mom, and do all that it takes to be a decent one. Because anyone can have a child, but being a mom, or mommy is totally different than just having the baby.

Middle-aged tired single mother suffers from her children, mom feels exhausted by noisy kids, scream, funny. Crazy motherhood.
Adobestock

Being a mom requires lots of sacrifice, and sometimes that can seem like too much.

You may have enough thought to yourself that you hate being a mom. That’s a scary feeling to have. But, it can also be totally normal.

When you become a mom, you have to sacrifice so much. You give up sleep, personal space, time, your body as it was, career goals, and the list can go on and on.

When you give up so much of yourself, it can totally make you feel like you hate being a mom.

So, what should you do if you think to yourself, “I hate being a mom.”?

Because, let’s be real, if being a mom feels like too much for you, you’re going to hate it. That’s just reality. The cold hard truth is that once you become a mom, you can’t give them back. motherhood just doesn’t work that way.

And, most moms would never do that anyway.

So, if you feel like you hate being a mom, the first step is probably to tell someone that you’re struggling. Feelings like this can be common in the newborn stage. It could be a result of postpartum depression, or anxiety.

These feelings could be the result of a lack of help from your partner.

You could also feel like you hate being a mom simply because you’re not taking time for yourself, or you aren’t practicing enough, or the right kind, of self care.

Asking yourself what you hate about being a mom could help you figure out what changes you need to make.

I went into motherhood thinking that being just a mom was enough. Because, I thought it would fulfill me in all the ways society convinced me that it would.

I thought making meals for them would be fun, and that I was for sure going to be the fun mom. I’d also never tire of their requests for more stories at bedtime, and I knew that I would never think that being a mom is too much for me.

But, it turns out, I’m the mom that hates cooking, hates playing make believe, and felt immense amounts of guilt about whether or not I was enjoying motherhood enough.

I realized at some point that I didn’t hate being a mom, I hated trying to be the mom that I thought I would be.

mom kissing baby with toddler also kissing baby with quote attached.

If being a mom is too much, maybe it’s as simple as adjusting your expectations of that you thought motherhood would be. I realized that being just a mom wasn’t enough for me. I started some hobbies. But, even that didn’t feel like enough.

I realized I wanted to be more than just a mom. I wanted to work. So, I started writing, and that quickly became something fulfilling and meaningful to me. It’s grown into publishing my own book, and owning multiple websites that bring in money. I became a business owner, and loved it.

By having something that was just mine outside of motherhood, I realized that I could enjoy being a mom when I did focus on that.

I still didn’t love playing make believe though.

If being a mom is too much – it’s possible that you’re just in a hard stage of motherhood.

Maybe you’d in a stage that isn’t a good fit for your personality. That’s OK.

Some moms love the newborn stage, and other mothers hate it. Some love the years of preschoolers. Other moms dread the baby talk and mundane tasks that make up new motherhood.

All of this is normal.

Finding the stage of motherhood that you do enjoy might surprise you, and it might come later on.

I’m finding that I love having teenagers way more than I thought I would. I don’t love the big kid problems, but I do love playing card games, having real conversations about important topics, and I absolutely love teasing them.

So, it’s possible that being a mom isn’t too much for you, it’s just too much for you right now.

Perhaps, you even hate being a mom so much that you want to leave. What should you do?

Again, I would say – you need to tell someone. Start with your partner or a close trusted friend. Tell your doctor if you’re brand new to motherhood.

Running away from motherhood sounds dreamy to all women some days. But, if you’re having thoughts of leaving your children, or leaving this earth, you should seek help immediately. It now only takes three digits to reach the national suicide hotline – dialing 988. Don’t be ashamed to seek help if you’re feeling this way.

The work of a mother is tiring, overwhelming, and thankless most days.

Even our partners often don’t understand the complex feelings that motherhood can bring.

But, seeking help is nothing to be ashamed of. Feeling like being a mom is too much is also nothing to be ashamed of either.

Thankfully, we live in a world now where mental health issues are becoming more and more de-stigmatized and we can talk more openly about depression and anxiety.

Mothers need a support system when they are raising kids, so my biggest piece of advice if you feel like you should leave is first, to tell someone, and second ask for help.

I have heard from many mothers over the years that are disappointed with the reality of modern motherhood.

Some women even have regrets about having children at all.

This is also normal. If I can emphasize anything it’s that all of these feelings are totally normal.

NORMAL.

There is so much beauty to be found in motherhood, but I would say that it’s not something that just comes naturally to all women.

Motherhood is not something all women should do.

It’s not something women can do alone well.

Being a mom can feel like too much. And, that’s 100% normal.

But, there are millions of women out there that get it. You’re not alone in your feelings.

And knowing that you’re not the only one that has said to herself, “being a mom is too much for me” is enough to at least bring a little comfort.

Because knowing you’re not alone is half the battle when you’re struggling with something hard.

And, motherhood falls into that category of the hardest damn job on earth. But, you’re doing it. Even if it feels like too much.

And that’s what being a mother is all about.


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  1. Maria Joseph says

    March 3, 2024 at 12:44 pm

    Thank you for this!!!

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

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New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression
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I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

Yes, even for you Karen. ➡️➡️ to keep reading.
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But, the loss of yourself in motherhood is real. And It’s not talked about enough." 

Do you feel like you lost yourself in motherhood? How? I really want to know. 

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Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s th Found in my pediatricians office. 🤣 What’s the moral of the story friends? If you think your household is always sick - it’s because they probably are. Kids make everything more germ-y
Here’s what I do know 👇 No one knows what th Here’s what I do know 👇

No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
Our kids love us anyway. 
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You’ve got this (as much as any of us do) 😘

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Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I Some of you wanted sources on my last reel where I said we only need to be getting it right 30% of the time for our kids to have secure attachments. Well I wrote a bit more about the concept of being the “good enough mother” a term coined in the 50’s by a researcher and pediatrician. Check it all out in my newest post. Link in profile.
It’s true! Researchers have found that as long a It’s true! Researchers have found that as long as you’re doing the repair after mistakes the other times - then 30% is enough! Sometimes I worry I’m not doing it right but I definitely know I’m doing it right 30% of the time! 
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