Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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Be Brave Guest Post Series Family Guest Bloggers Guest Post Motherhood

Growing Empathy

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My guest post today comes from Rivki. A mom of 3 kiddos 5 and under. I know, right? Can you say one busy mama? She’s given me support as she pops in and leaves me comments, and she has a lot faith. That’s something I admire! I love her perspective on how motherhood has made her a more empathetic person. I couldn’t agree more. Nothing makes you grow more than learning to empathize. I created a printable (see below) inspired by her post and just in time for Mother’s Day. Don’t forget to stop by her awesome blog and check out some of her posts! Want to be part of my Be Brave Guest Post Series? Go here.

***********

Growing up, I would often tease my mother for crying so easily.  “It’s just a commercial, mom, you know it’s not real!”  I just couldn’t understand why it was so easy to get her faucets flowing.  My conclusion was that she was just excessively emotional.  I mean, who cries at commercials, right?

Fast forward to this afternoon when I was sent running for the tissues after watching this four-minute video where a couple dozen people are tricked into thinking they’re interviewing for the hardest job in the world (spoiler alert:  the job is motherhood).

This is me feeding my oldest (awwwwwww)

This is me feeding my oldest (awwwwwww)

These past five years or so of being a mother have been so monumentally transformative that, when writing this post, I was hard pressed to articulate how I’ve changed.  I’ve been pushed, pulled, stretched, compressed, have found deeper wells of patience than I thought existed, and have been made aware of just how selfish I still can be.

It’s astonishing to think back on how much I’ve grown with each of my three children, how much I’ve learned.  But if I were to pick one thing to focus on, that touches most areas of my life, it would be that I am infinitely more empathetic to others than I was before motherhood.

Before parenthood, I was absolutely one of those people who would blithely pass judgment on other parents.  Only in my head, but still, I just had no idea.  None.

There was a four-year-old who I regularly babysat for, and, like children sometimes do, he would lie straight to my face when it was convenient for him.

Because I didn’t understand children, I thought that it was clear that this child was, unfortunately, totally a pathological liar.  No hope for him, better write him off now.  What a conclusion to come to!  And I liked kids!  And was a pretty decent babysitter (I hope.  Now that I’m writing about it, I sound kind of horrible).

Today one of my children, who shall remain unidentified, pointed to a book which is supposed to only stay in the bathroom (incentive for toilet training, that).  Said book was lying conspicuously on the couch.

“Mommy, look.  I don’t know how it got there.  It just. . . jumped there, on the couch.  Maybe it grew legs?”

Yeah, that’s likely.  Real likely buddy.

But instead of panicking that my child is morally corrupt, I understand that it was just too hard for him to keep that new book in the bathroom.  I get it.  It’s a pretty awesome book.  See that?  Empathy.

Rabbi Israel Salanter, a rabbi who is known for his ethical works, said that if you take a toy away from a small child it’s like taking a boat (or maybe, more appropriate for our times, a car) away from a grown man.  Their feelings are real.  That lego that just shattered on the floor?  That really IS devastating!

Me and my second oldest at I think a Chanukah party

Me and my second oldest at I think a Chanukah party

In addition to learning how to be empathetic to my children, I now feel a sense of solidarity with other mothers of small children, especially in public places, especially if their child is having a meltdown (we’ve all been there at some point).  I no longer have uncharitable thoughts about the poor mother’s abilities.  I’m well aware that there are about a gazillion reasons that a child might have a fit in a store.  If I can give that mother an encouraging nod or word, I do.

This skill of empathizing has also improved the way I relate to my husband.  Instead of only thinking about how frazzled I am by the time he comes home, I try to put myself in his shoes sometimes, think about how he also had a very long day at work, and is probably starving and needs to decompress for at least a few minutes before I start listing requests.  I would want to collect myself before making a transition from work to home, too.

So while my traits of being unbending and judgmental are still present within me (and rear their heads a little too often for my comfort), I’ve found a surprising ability to rise above them and to tap into the empathy that is constantly growing within me.  And I’m so grateful to G-d for giving me my children to help teach me.

IMG_4428

Me and my daughter. 🙂

***********

img_1628Rivki Silver is the mother of three active little people.  She currently lives in Baltimore, where she looks for time to blog as well as write and perform musically.  Somehow she still makes dinner, for which her family is very appreciative.  She has written for Partners in Torah, Aish.com, Kveller.com, WhattoExpect.com and once a week at her blog, www.lifeinthemarriedlane.com.  She does Facebook and Twitter, and Instagram too.

 The Love of a Mother Will Always Grow Free PrintableThis printable was created in PicMonkey using graphics from the amazing Happily Ever After Blog. Go here to download it. This printable can be used for personal use only. ©perfectionpending.net


14 Comments

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Comments

  1. Bianca @ Rant Rave Crave says

    April 26, 2014 at 8:19 am

    Wonderful! I hope I gain some empathy for my son. This is my first trip to the rodeo and there’s still so much I have to learn about raising my son.

    Reply
    • Rivki Silver says

      April 27, 2014 at 8:35 am

      Even as a mother of three I still feel like there’s so much to learn! I think because kids are always entering new phases, you know, it never gets dull. 🙂

      Reply
  2. jennifer groeber says

    April 26, 2014 at 11:19 am

    Awesome post. Love it. Already headed over to Rivki’s blog. Thank you for making the world ever larger, Meredith!

    Reply
    • Rivki Silver says

      April 27, 2014 at 8:39 am

      Thanks Jennifer! I love how guest posting really does introduce more people to each other!

      Reply
  3. Katie @ Pick Any Two says

    April 26, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    As my son enters toddlerhood, I am trying really hard to always remember that his feelings are real and deserve to be acknowledged and validated. I never want to downplay his feelings just because the situation seems small (to me).

    Reply
    • Rivki Silver says

      April 27, 2014 at 8:39 am

      Absolutely, and it’s so tricky to remember sometimes (but my kids definitely remind me when I forget!)

      Reply
  4. Yehudit Shrager says

    April 26, 2014 at 9:33 pm

    Great writing Rivki! Way to pick ’em Mer. (Sorry, I love Grey’s anatomy so I have to call you Mer.) These are sentiments I can really relate to. Or should I say, empathize with…? Nice to see them written down though. Great job.

    Reply
    • Rivki Silver says

      April 27, 2014 at 8:40 am

      Thanks Yehudit! Love your comment. 🙂

      Reply
  5. Ana Lynn says

    April 27, 2014 at 6:18 am

    I have been told one too many times that I am too sensitive, because commercials can make me cry, movies, songs, books can make me cry. My mother lacked in the department of having empathy towards my feelings, so I am trying very hard not to be the same way with my children.

    Reply
    • Rivki Silver says

      April 27, 2014 at 8:43 am

      Hi Ana, I’m sorry that you’ve been told that about your sensitivity. :/ For the record, I did thoroughly apologize to my mother after my own sensitivity was heightened. And I cry at a lot of things now. Best wishes for dealing with your children empathetically. I have a feeling you’re doing a great job.

      Reply
  6. Brittany says

    April 27, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    This is so great. I read it and liked you instantly, Rivki! I’m going to go follow your social networks now 🙂

    Reply
  7. Mindy says

    April 29, 2014 at 9:18 pm

    Lol about the leg-growing book. Chava Lea (almost 3) constantly says she “already” did something. Two seconds after getting off the potty? “I already washed my hands.” Three seconds after she hits her younger brother. “I already said sorry.”

    Reply
  8. Elizabeth says

    May 1, 2014 at 6:43 am

    Thank you!! I love this post. Raising kids is such a racket. From the craziness to the overwhelming love and gratitude!! Gotta love it!

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. How Motherhood Has Changed Me | Rivki Silver's blog says:
    April 26, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    […] mothers to write about how motherhood has changed us, I knew I wanted to participate.  And so today’s post is over at her […]

    Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Meredith Ethington

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NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
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"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

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What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
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I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

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The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

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