Perfection Pending

By Meredith Ethington

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In the Motherhood Inspiration Motherhood

The Real Reason Mothers Feel Like They’ve Lost Themselves

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My house is currently quiet. I sit by the window as my boys play outside in an attempt to gather my thoughts and I already hear one of them crying. I don’t get up right away because I can see them and know that’s it’s just a normal sibling squabble and the four year old is already over it.

There are these quiet moments I experience that happen for five minutes here and maybe 15 minutes there in between fights, and requests for snacks, or band-aids for the latest scraped knee.

Those little moments where things are still and everyone is getting along and all is quiet are actually pretty frequent in my house when I stop to think about it.

But, they are like short unexpected bursts throughout the day that a mother can rarely depend on. And, It’s hardly enough time to accomplish anything meaningful.

Usually when one of the quiet moments happen, my mind is anything but quiet. I’m usually wiping the counter while going through a mental checklist of things.

When I’m done cleaning the kitchen, I’m going to start the laundry, then I’ll sit for a minute and eat something. Swim lessons start next week, I need to go buy more sunscreen. What am I making for dinner? I really should get Kyle into dance lessons. Chandler is going to walk in any minute and tell me he’s bored again. What can I do to entertain him? Have I spent enough time with Avery this week? Summer is going too fast. I wish I could take a nap. What IS that smeared on the front of the cabinet? I need to start teaching these kids to clean up after themselves. Did I ever make that phone call about the life insurance?

It’s a non-stop parade of worries and emotions coupled with tasks and to-do lists that never stop.

The moments of quiet are anything but in a mother’s mind. It’s simply a fleeting blip across my ongoing reel of things going on inside my head at any given time.

I hear it often lamented that women lose themselves in motherhood. I hear others declare that they haven’t gone anywhere. And, I feel both sides of the debate.

While, I know I’m in there behind the ongoing dialogue in my head that’s keeping me on task to get through the hours of the days that feel like weeks, there isn’t much of a moment of silence in my mind that allows me time to think my own thoughts that aren’t tangled in with the thoughts of the needs of my family.

That’s what I mean when I say I’ve lost myself in motherhood.

It’s not that I’m no longer capable of having my own thoughts, it’s just that there isn’t much room for them anymore amongst the checklists that keep me focused and keep my head above water so our family can stay afloat.

When I look back at my life pre-kids, I can’t remember what it was like to act on a whim, or not consider how my schedule might impact a soccer game or school schedule of one of my kids.

That’s where I feel lost.

I can’t remember what it’s like to sit down and not have that dialogue relentlessly begging me to check another thing off my list, or reminding me to make sure I’m teaching a child to do something really important like become independent.

The thoughts that are swirling around in my mind consuming me most days aren’t all negative.

They’re more like the equivalent to practicing a survival skill that not only your life depends on, but the lives of all of those around you depend on too.

While it’s not exactly that dramatic some days and the list sometimes just involves finding the toddler’s favorite bouncy ball he lost two days prior and hasn’t stopped talking about, it feels all encompassing just the same.

So when moms feel like they’ve lost themselves, it’s mostly because they just need a minute when it’s quiet to realize they are still there.

Instead, there is a deafening guilt ridden voice telling us we should be accomplishing something since the kids are happy. Or, there is a blank stare out a window because we’re happy to not be breaking up a fight and we just want to sit for a minute without someone needing us.

Where we might have read a book in our quiet moments before, now we want to stare into space. It takes longer now to shift gears and create something, or reconnect with a friend, or remember that we have needs too.

Those things that were part of who we were before kids aren’t gone, they’re just bogged down by the day to day needs of everyone else.

That’s why you find women mindlessly wandering the aisles at Target looking at pretty things. It’s because for a few minutes it feels luxurious to do something mindless. 

It’s not that we are empty shells of our former selves. We’re still there. Just as artistic, or creative, or spontaneous or talented as before. It just takes longer now to quiet the mind and remember who we are.


14 Comments

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Comments

  1. Melissa says

    July 14, 2016 at 9:24 am

    This is exactly how I feel! And it’s so nice to see it expressed in words. During those rare, quiet moments, I feel guilty for not doing something productive and instead of doing something I used to enjoy, like reading, I find myself just staring off into space, doing nothing, and I enjoy it!

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      July 14, 2016 at 11:40 am

      Thanks so much Melissa! Moms that stare off into space unite! 😉

      Reply
      • jgroeber says

        July 15, 2016 at 11:28 am

        My Stupid smartphone will only let me reply here. And I’m so with you! Such a beautifully written post. I’d like to say it gets better, but I think it just gets different, the time, the quiet, the stakes, the payback, the expectations. They all adjust, but the over-riding sense of lists, duties, needs, and desires stays the same even as they grow more independent. . Love that you found this tiny moment of inspiration to share with us. That will remain immutable.

        Reply
        • Meredith says

          July 16, 2016 at 9:06 am

          Thanks Jen for your always insightful comments! 🙂

          Reply
  2. Katie says

    July 14, 2016 at 4:43 pm

    Oh I so loved reading this today! Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling for the past 12 hrs! I have been lying on the couch today, pregnant with our 5th, overwhelmed, and too tired to do anything. Sometimes we are just to hard on ourselves for not being perfect when in reality perfection is pending….(lol. Pun intended)

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      July 16, 2016 at 9:07 am

      Thanks so much Katie!

      Reply
  3. Erin @ Somewhere In The Middle says

    July 15, 2016 at 7:28 pm

    I’m so with you on this. I’ve often referred to “a minute when it’s quiet to realize they are still there” as my time to ponder. The more moments in a day/week/month I have to ponder, the more I feel at peace. Otherwise, I’m just on a constant merry-go-round of herding cats. Great post.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      July 16, 2016 at 9:07 am

      Yes for sure!

      Reply
  4. tarsilaogden says

    August 2, 2016 at 11:55 am

    Thank you for sharing this is beautifully explained.

    Reply
  5. LaNeshe says

    January 18, 2017 at 7:36 am

    This is a great post, I needed this today. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Meredith says

      January 18, 2017 at 5:38 pm

      I’m so glad it helped you!

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Best of July - Julia K. Garza says:
    July 31, 2016 at 6:02 am

    […] “It’s not that I’m no longer capable of having my own thoughts, it’s just that there isn’t much room for them anymore amongst the checklists that keep me focused and keep my head above water so our family can stay afloat.” The Real Reason Mothers Feel Like They’ve Lost Themselves […]

    Reply
  2. 10 Ways to Find More Balance and Let Go of The Mom Guilt -- Tatertots and Jello says:
    August 15, 2016 at 5:00 am

    […] The Real Reason Mothers Feel Like They’ve Lost Themselves […]

    Reply
  3. 10 Ways Moms Can Find More Balance And Stop Feeling Mom Guilt - Perfection Pending says:
    November 14, 2016 at 1:49 pm

    […] The Real Reason Mothers Feel Like They’ve Lost Themselves […]

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Meredith Ethington

perfectpending

Mom • Author • Mental Health Therapist In Training
Grab my new book, The Mother Load, available now. 👇👇

Night night! 😤 Night night! 😤
If you missed my last post about how raising teens If you missed my last post about how raising teens can wreck you mentally….wellll this is part of the reason why. So lonely! But we are in this together somehow. 😂 Make sure to check out my latest substack and grab a copy of my book —- The Mother Load!
NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid NEW ---> "When there are problems in these big kid years, it’s no longer really acceptable to call a friend and air the annoyances of the situation. At least not the specifics.

Sure, you can commiserate with a fellow parent about teenagers being the worst.

But, to be honest - they’re not the worst. They’re kind of amazing. But their problems make me tired to my core." 

Read the latest on my substack. I promise you'll relate. ❤️
So sweet. ❤️ Follow me @perfectpending and bet So sweet. ❤️
Follow me @perfectpending and better yet buy my book or subscribe to my substack to support me.
"I don’t know about you, but I don’t really wa "I don’t know about you, but I don’t really want same-ness anymore. I want messy. I want admissions that shit is hard and we don’t have it all together. I want to have a makeup free, messy bun in my sweats run in with a mom friend and not feel worried she’s checking out my un-groomed eyebrows.

I don’t want to try to give off this illusion that I’m control of my life any better than the next person. It’s a shitshow for all of us, and we continue to hide it for fear of what? Being human?"

Read the rest on my Substack. Link in profile.
WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I WHAT IF THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I’LL EVER BE AND I MISS IT? What if I miss the best time of my life. What if it’s right this second?
What if it’s right now while I’m in finals week of grad school, and have a kid that’s sick? 
I already miss so much. The gummy smiles of babes without any teeth. The squeaky voices of 2 year olds. The babbling of a baby that’s just trying so hard to say mama. The grammar mistakes my kids make when they’re talking that I don’t have the heart to correct because I love it too much. 

I miss a lot about those younger years that have already slipped away. My youngest is sick, much like in this picture, but he is too big to snuggle in my arms now when he’s running a fever. 

Today I had the thought, what if this is it? What if this IS the happiest I’ll ever be?
For a moment, I lingered in that thought as I stood over my sink and did the dishes. I started to cry.
Am I missing it? AM I? I felt a tug that maybe I was. Maybe I wasn’t relishing enough, and enjoying enough, and being present enough.
But, then I realized, it will never be ENOUGH. 

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New year, same me. 😂 #mentalhealth #anxiety #de New year, same me. 😂
#mentalhealth #anxiety #depression
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I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of th I’ve got to admit - I’m kind of over all of this. *sweeps arm generally at planet earth*

Look, I’ve never been a half glass full kind of gal. I can ALWAYS find the negative in every situation. 

But, right now it’s easy to say that I’m over it. It being.....

The state of our economy. Social media. People being unemployed. People being racist and homophobic. The debate over politics. People judging people. ALLLLLL of it. 

Everything is crap right now. We joke about it a lot. We have to in order to survive. 

It’s the one millionth day of January but Spring feels so far away. 

I’m over these four damn walls that we call home. 

Yeah, I know. Even as I’m typing this it all sounds like a bunch of ungrateful whiney BS. I hear it. I don’t need you to point it out, Karen. 

But, my guess is you’re reading this right now and realizing you’re over it too. Whatever “it” is in your life.

Some days the world feels like total crap. Everything is a mess. Everything costs too much. For E-V-E-R-Y-B-O-D-Y. 

Yes, even for you Karen. ➡️➡️ to keep reading.
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But, the loss of yourself in motherhood is real. And It’s not talked about enough." 

Do you feel like you lost yourself in motherhood? How? I really want to know. 

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No one knows what they’re doing. 
We all feel like imposters. 
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