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By Meredith Ethington

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Anxiety Inspiration Mental Health

The Other Part Of OCD That No One Talks About

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It’s true that as a kid, I used to have some quirks. That’s why it came as no real surprise to me that my therapist said that I had OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) in addition to Generalized Anxiety Disorder. But, I was a little surprised because I hadn’t talked to her too much about my quirks.

By quirks I mean the typical things you think of when you think of OCD. Obsessively washing your hands, or lining up pencils perfectly. I do obsessively wash my hands when we have a stomach bug in the house to the point that sometimes they crack and bleed. And, as a kid, I couldn’t fall asleep at night until I had made the rounds of checking the locks on doors and windows, and making sure my dresser drawers were pushed all the way in. (Oh, the joys of managing your own mental health…)

What Living with OCD is Really Like

When my anxiety is really bad, I definitely have to straighten things more often and find that I get angry more easily at little things like a paper my kids drop on the floor, or a towel not hung up where it’s supposed to be.

But, my therapist and I didn’t discuss those things because there were plenty of other things to discuss. So, I was curious when she told me her thoughts on a dual diagnosis of GAD and OCD, and I asked her, “Why do you think OCD?”

She said that it was because of my obsessive and compulsive thoughts.

Oh. That. 

We had talked about that plenty. And, yes it was a big part of what I was struggling with on a day to day basis. I still do.

The part of OCD that people don’t talk about as often – that we should

We hear all about the hand washing, and the need for order, which can be crippling for some people, but what is crippling me are the thoughts in my own head.

With anxiety, it’s hard not to obsess over things. You worry about scenarios that will most likely never take place, but it’s really more than worrying. You obsess over them. They keep you up at night. You don’t sleep, and you feel a pit in your stomach when you forget something or go down a dark stream of consciousness that you can’t seem to stop.

In more everyday life, my obsessive & compulsive thoughts revolve around those closest to me. And it’s terrifying.

I worry incessantly about a simple comment my husband makes and sometimes, I let it fester into a fight, or convince myself he doesn’t love me.

A little argument can turn into a week-long obsession replaying the conversation over and over in my mind.

Something regular people have forgotten weeks before is something I’m still probably thinking about if it bothered me.

I don’t like to admit that sometimes I dwell because I just want to get things right, or I just want to feel understood. Or maybe I obsess over ways I could have said or done something better. So, I’ll replay scenarios over and over and OVER until my mind feels like it can let it go. Sometimes, the letting it go part doesn’t happen for weeks.

And, the dark thoughts are the ones that we rarely voice. The ones where I imagine bad things happening to my children, infidelities that won’t happen, or something as seemingly simple (although dangerous) as slicing my own finger open every time I chop an onion.

The mind of someone with OCD is a constantly running movie reel showing us the worst scenarios of our own lives.

It leaves me feeling downright exhausted some days just to be in my own head.

I find myself often in thoughts so deep and ongoing, imaging future events, or replaying past ones, that I’ll realize I haven’t spoken a word to my kids in the back seat while we’re out running errands, or I hardly remember showering because I was so lost in thought.

That’s the part of OCD we don’t hear about as often. When I tell someone that I have OCD they imagine I am constantly cleaning my house (maybe a little) and that I can’t function when there is a mess around me (also sometimes true).

But the reality is that it’s so much more. It can be so much, that we don’t want to keep on enduring it. It can be so much, that our family members are tired of reassuring us. It can be so much that we don’t want to deal with the thoughts in our own heads anymore. We just crave quiet and solitude because we never can escape our thoughts.

But, the beautiful thing about realizing this about myself, is that I’ve learned through therapy that there are ways to control it.

There are ways to stop it. There are ways to snap out of the exhaustive reel in my head to find relief. It takes a lot of effort though. And, it’s not always easy.

But, recognizing that my obsessing over something isn’t within the “normal” realm of the everyday person is half the battle.

Because if I know this about myself, I feel like I can have a tiny bit more control over it. And, some days, even a little smidgen of relief feels like a reprieve.

More on OCD and Anxiety as a Parent:

  • What is OCD? – The Mayo Clinic
  • Mental Health Tips, Coping Skills, and Ideas to Manage Stress and Big Emotions
  • What I Want To Say To My Kid About Anxiety

My Favorite Resources for Managing OCD:

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  • Why Talking About My Mental Load Isn’t Actually An Insult To Men

Can you relate to this post? Be sure to get my book, Mom Life: Perfection Pending. It’s a humorous look at parenting today that’ll have you nodding your head, laughing, and realizing that you aren’t alone.


5 Comments

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Comments

  1. Rebecca says

    September 1, 2017 at 11:50 pm

    Thanks for posting this today. I’ve been struggling for about 2 yrs trying to decide if I should see someone, get on medication, etc. do you have tips to get through these things like you mention at the end? Ways your therapist has helped you to deal? Any ideas are welcome.

    Reply
    • Candy Clouston says

      September 6, 2017 at 10:28 am

      The most helpful thing for obsessive thinking for me was teaching myself to recognize it and to force myself to think about something else. I’d come back to it, of course, but again I’d recognize it and think of something else. Some people think about their “happy place” (remembered or imagined). Some people make an effort to ground themselves in the physical reality of their being (e.g., feeling the chair underneath them, the temperature of the room, the ambient sounds). I tend to think about my next creative project and what I might like to do.

      Learning about cognitive biases (what I call bad thinking–I think Wikipedia still has a list of the biases) and recognizing those and correcting your thinking can be very helpful. Catastrophizing is probably the biggest one. Cognitive behavioral therapy is good for getting started with this, as the therapist is going to see these errors right away as you talk about your experience and thoughts, which can train you to do it for yourself.

      These things take consistent effort, but obsessing is pretty exhausting, too.

      Reply

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Welcome! I’m Meredith.

Mom. Writer. Diet Coke connoisseur. Born and raised Texan. Lover of real talk and laughter with a hint of sarcasm mixed in.

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Meredith Ethington
I see nothing wrong here. I see nothing wrong here.
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This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At s This was my mom’s desk when she was little. At some point it got passed down to one of her grandchildren. Then it made its way to my house and all three of my kids have used it too. 
My middle decided he was done with it and I had no idea what to do with it. It’s almost an antique at this point and I knew my mom felt sentimental about it. It’s heavy and tiny but it has good bones as they say. 
My mom lives too far away to come get it and the grandkids are all getting too big to want this desk in their rooms. 
I walked around my little house looking for a spot for it. There really isn’t one. 
Could it be an end table? Or swapped out for an entry table? 
But then I walked into my bedroom and saw this bare wall. It’s not ideal. My husband will hate it. But I’ve been thinking that I needed a study spot in my house (in a room with a door that shuts and locks) since I’m in school again at 46 years old. 
I’m hilariously too big for this little desk but also it seems just fine for sitting and writing papers. 
The older I get, the more I realize that this life is short and I’m sure it will make my mom happy to know I’m not only hanging onto this desk a little while longer but it’s going to be used for actual school work again instead of hoarding useless scraps of paper, half filled notebooks and dull crayons no one has touched in years. 
I’m breathing life back into this desk for a few more years and it seems symbolic of my taking something old (me) and using it for something new (becoming a therapist). 
I’m not super sentimental about furniture but I’m sentimental about the people that I love. 
She loves this desk so I guess I’ll love it a little longer on her behalf. ❤️
🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: 🚨Vulnerable post alert! My latest on substack: "I feel depressed that it’s back, when I had been handling things so well.
I feel hopeless that although I know it will end, that it will come back again.
I feel embarrassed that I’m sometimes mean to the ones I love most.
I feel like I want to give up.
I feel tired.
I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest thing.
I feel alone. I feel like I’m literally the only one feeling that way in that moment even though I know I’m not deep down. But, anxiety makes me feel like that.
I feel like I just would be better off if I could disappear."
First day back after a week long vacay to the fun First day back after a week long vacay to the fun of carpool and the reality of being a responsible adult is kicking my boot-ay. Can you tell? 😅
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Just like building muscles in our body, to have go Just like building muscles in our body, to have good mental health we need to build muscles in our brains as well. What does that look like? 

For me, it often looks like practicing things that make me uncomfortable. 
Saying no. Setting boundaries. Sitting in discomfort with feelings I don't like. Being OK if someone is mad at me. Learning to validate MYSELF. You get the idea. 
But, really it can be anything that you need to work on but makes you feel REALLY uncomfortable. So much so that it feels like your brain is literally rejecting it. If you want to build that muscle in your brain that is OK with disappointing people in favor of your own mental health, you have to treat it like muscle building in your body. 

1. Do it often enough. 
2. Start small, and work your way up. 
3. Go heavy when you're ready. 

Practicing it often enough is really when you're going to get big results. Soon you'll get used to those negative feelings that come along with telling someone no and knowing they're disappointed. You'll build up endurance to tolerate the feelings and be able to sit with them and let them go. And finally, it will become second nature to you to do all those things you didn't think you could do. Just like strength training for a marathon - consider strength training for your mind. 

One thing I'm working on is telling myself I'm OK. I struggle with seeking validation from others when really I need to be seeking validation from myself. Because MYSELF is good, worthy, and OK 99% of the time. 

What are you practicing right now? I'd love to hear if this is true for you.
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