Do real moms really manage to clean baseboards and dust ceiling fans weekly? The answer is – come over to my clean house and see for yourself. Or no. The answer is no. Since I live in real reality (one with lots of humor), and not Pinterest reality, I decided to create a cleaning guide all moms can get behind.
A Real Mom’s Guide to a Clean House (of sorts)
Recently, I had a repairman pull my oven out from my wall, and discovered a hidden treasure trove of dust balls, crusty hardened peas from the pea explosion of 2014, and a bracelet I bought for my daughter on a vacation to Yellowstone. I thought to myself, “Hey! That’s cleaner than my air vents in my floor where all kinds of mysteries lie.”
I’ve lived in my house three and a half years and I’ve never cleaned behind the oven. But, I’m not ashamed of my mediocrity anymore. I see those cute cleaning schedules to help you stay on top of your chores in 20 minutes a day or less, and I’ll raise you a caked-on-stovetop and a fridge-with-too-many-fingerprints-for-a-crime-scene-unit.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”Here’s the cleaning guide that any real mom can actually follow! Check it out via @perfectpending” quote=”Here’s the cleaning guide that any real mom can actually follow!”]
So let’s get to that cleaning schedule that’s actually doable. For your convenience, I’ve broken it up into a schedule that is manageable.
DAILY:
- close bedroom doors to your kids’ rooms so you forget how messy they are
- do a smell check for urine in the bathroom
- soak dishes in soapy water so it appears you’re going to clean them.
- let the dog clean up crumbs on the floor (get a dog if you don’t have one)
- throw papers/mail into a basket to open in 3 weeks
- pick up all stuff on the floors and shove them in a closet
- Threaten to take away all toys forever
WEEKLY:
- Look under couch cushions for lost food
- Do a smell check of your car looking for sippy cups, and rotting milk products
- Consider washing sheets but leave them in the washing machine rotting for 3 days
- Pile your recycling next to overflowing trash cans
- If you can still see yourself in your mirrors, don’t worry about cleaning them
- Swipe a Cloroxx wipe across a few surfaces in your bathroom
- Consider dusting. Just laugh instead
- See if you remember where your vacuum is
MONTHLY:
- Consider burning house down because you’re too far behind
- Cry
- Spend an entire day cleaning and forbid your children to come home
- Cry again when they have to come home to eat and sleep
- Repeat all steps until you die
Oh, and so you can remember it all easier, here’s a handy little image:
More on Clean Houses:
Want actual cleaning tips? Then these first links are for you.
- Our 50 Best Tips to Make Your House Super Clean
- The 12 Simple Habits Of People With Homes That Are Always Clean
But if you want funny reading that’s related to keeping it real and keeping your house clean, here you go:
- How to Clean for House Guests (A Practical Guide)
- 5 Reasons Vacuuming Should be an Olympic Sport
- A Real Mom’s Top 10 Reasons to Get Takeout Tonight
- 13 Memes That Perfectly Describe the Struggle To Keep Your House Clean When You Have Kids
My Must-Have Cleaning Resources:
This post contains Amazon affiliate links. If you click on a link, I may receive a commission. See my full disclosure policy here.
- Help your kids by helping yourself – get my favorite parenting book
- All of my favorite products on Amazon
You’ll Also Love:
13 Memes That Perfectly Describe the Struggle To Keep Your House Clean When You Have Kids
How to Clean for House Guests (A Practical Guide)
Chore Zones: A Way to get LITTLE kids to clean up their BIG messes
A Real Mom’s Guide To Surviving Summer
Meredith Ethington is a freelance writer and has been blogging about real life parenting for about 10 years. She’s excited to announce her new book Mom Life: Perfection Pending. She loves encouraging moms to be themselves, and embrace the messy parts of parenting. She has been called one of the funniest parents to follow on FB and is a staff writer for Scary Mommy and a regular contributor at Babble. If you’d like to hire Meredith to write for your site, please contact her at fakingpictureperfect@gmail.com. And make sure to sign up for her newsletter here so you don’t miss a thing.
Haha. that is awesome! i love it. thank you for understanding. <3
haha. You’re welcome!
This was so hilarious and true! I’m not the only one who does urine smell checks in the bathroom! Very accurate list glad to know i’m not alone!
yes! Knowing you’re not alone is half the battle.
Thanks for this! I needed this today.
Glad you liked it!
This. This is brilliant. This is my life right now lol.
Thank you! And, mine too. You are not alone.
Oh My!!!! I thought I was the only one who sometimes considered burning the house down to get ahead. hahahaha
U basically rewrote the picture and added short intro. My appreciation goes to original creator of that. It’s really funny. So Im gonna look in my messy place for a glass and toast to him or her. 🙂
Hmmm. I’m not sure what you’re referring to you. I created the graphic as well, and the video. I’m the owner and creator of all of this.
The picture is my creation as well.
Haha, I love this. Except I think I stoop lower. No way do I pick up all the stuff and shove in closets daily, that’s way too hard. More like weekly. 🙂
Haha. Agreed!
Ahahahaahah best routine ever!!! I’m personally following the Flylady method and it does help a bit!
Oh my gosh…… Hysterical!
You have my exact routine down… I thought I was the only one… it is nice to know there are others out there.:)
Thank you!
My God! Were we separated at birth??!!
IDK. Do we look alike? 😉
I love this!!!! I’d like to print it and put it in a frame!!!!!
Yessssss! Real life! This was hilarious – thanks for sharing, Meredith!
Mom of 5 here!! Love this and so true to my method of cleaning! I gave to perfection a long time ago…maybe after baby #3 or was it #4? For sure by #5!! She is now 10 years old! LOL
haha …. typo above! I gave UP perfection… 🙂
Ha ha, that was funny. I can confirm that this is what a father would do also 🙂
You definitely need to delegate a series of those tasks…for the sake of sanity! Cheers!
I can’t even describe how much I love this.
So much.
So so much.
Very funny! I’ve learned that things WILL get cleaner if you put on some excellent music and walk away from the keyboard.
Fabulous post! Having 4 boys the urine test is so important – plus when boys get to pre teen/teen stage they tend to smell like hamsters and the smell permeates their rooms… I used to foster teenage boys from Belarus years ago … same smell as my own sons’ rooms. I do have a daughter too – teenage girls do not have the same odour!
I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who looks at those Pinterest posts and cries!
Love the advice and thanks for posting! BTW, the best way I’ve found to get motivated to do chores is to first watch the video “Chore Day” by Three Beat Slide (available for free on YouTube). The video humorously covers the most common household tasks such as doing the laundry, dusting shelves, putting toys away, vacuuming, doing the dishes, etc., and is guaranteed to put a smile on your face! You may even find yourself singing their song as you do your own chores!
100% relate love your guide for cleaning the house this will lessen my time make thank you..