I Need A Best Friend. There – I Said It.
Yesterday was a fine day. I have many uneventful days in the life of being a stay-at-home Mom. Yesterday my oldest stayed home sick from school, so two out of the three kids were in PJs all day. It was snowy outside. We just kind of stayed at home all day.
Then, a little email popped up that ruined my whole day at about 5 pm. I won’t go into it, except to say that I felt like I was brushed off by someone that is supposed to be important in my life. It wasn’t my husband.
But, this little email sent me into a spiral of sadness and self-pity. The 4-6pm hours in my house are not easy to begin with. Then add a thoughtless act by someone you love, and my reaction may not seem like overreacting. But, it probably was.
My negative thoughts as a result were things like, “I have no friends,” and “No one cares about my life,” and “I wish my sister lived closer because she is the only one that gets me.” (OK. I have that last thought A LOT.) But, I find myself feeling lonely. And sad.
Moms need friends too, right? Or am I the only one?
I have always been a people person. I have always had “an easy time making friends” as my Mom would say to me all the time growing up. But, here I am. 35-years-old. 3 kids. A good husband. A stable life. And, all I want is a best friend.
I don’t mean a mommy friend to have playdates with.
I don’t mean a person at church that you chat with regularly.
I don’t mean someone that you enjoy inviting over for dinner once in a while because they are a good couple friend for you and your husband.
I don’t mean a relative that is obligated to be your friend.
I don’t mean someone that you have a girl’s night with once in a while.
I mean a true life best friend that will do anything for you.
That will drop everything for you. That you can call up and cry to because you are having a bad afternoon. I mean someone that you can trust and confide in.
I mean a woman that gets that you don’t love motherhood all the time and doesn’t judge you for it. I mean someone that you feel like will always be there no matter what. I mean someone that would stand up for you when someone else is talking about you behind your back.
I mean someone that would babysit for you at the last minute. Or clean your house when you are sick. Or a friend that you could drive to their house when you have a fight with your husband and they wouldn’t think you were crazy.
I don’t have that kind of best friend.
Does it even exist anymore? I am surrounded by “friends.” Don’t get me wrong. I have a social life. But, is it possible as a grown woman with a family to make a friend like that at this stage in the game? Or does everyone already have a best friend?
I have friends that are far away that fit into the category of friend I am talking about, but I want someone like that in every place I live. Is that asking too much?
It seems I am surrounded by women that I probably have a lot in common with, but my friendships never make it to the next level.
Am I too guarded? Do I seem like I just have it all too together? Because I don’t. Inside I am craving someone to talk with when things get sad, and depressing, and difficult.
Not, just for the fun playdate on a weekday morning. Maybe it’s because I’m not that type of friend? Or am I expecting too much?
OR — (and I think this might just be it) — are we all wanting the same thing but too afraid to reach out and so we sit in our little stay-at-home worlds inside our own little house and feel all too alone.
Here are some more stories about best friends that we all can relate to:
What Most Moms Really Want Is A Close Mom Friend
Why I Don’t Want My Daughter to Have a Best Friend
It’s Way Worse When Your Kid Gets Ghosted By A Friend Than When You Do
Two Best Friends Commemorate Their Friendship in Epic Drunk Photo Shoot.
Things I want My Daughter To Know About Friendship
*I originally published this piece 4 years ago. I’m sharing again in the hopes that it will help someone feel less alone in their struggles for a best friend. I’m happy to say I’ve found some of my favorite women friends since then, but if you don’t have a tribe, come find a friend online. I run a FB group of Perfectly Real Moms that I think you might enjoy. Because we could all use a best friend or twenty.*
Dear Meredith, I’ve happened upon this post quite late at night. Thank you. I’m three months into an intercontinental move and I feel so extremely, heart crushingly lonely. I’ve been feeling like this for three years if I’m honest as my close group of friends have gone through different stages of attachment with their other halves and kids… or not. So I thought it would be no big deal to leave it all behind, but here we are.
Your post is beautifully true. It doesn’t solve anything in particular, but there is connection in thought, so I’m grateful.
Night night.
I’m so sorry you’re lonely! I get it. I really do. And, I can’t imagine having to start over in a new country! I am glad this brought some peace to your heart though.
I’ve perused these pages, and found your story.
I’m an older man, by society, not self awareness, and am heart crushingly lonely. I want that special person who will like me not because i’m Quirky, but precisely because I am. That person who will pick me up after i’ve Failed at something and say “you know, that sucked big time. Now let me clean you up and you get right back in there.
Have the days of let’s be blood brothers, sisters, persons gone it’s way? Or is it simple enough to say to someone “would you like to be my fried?”
I’m so sorry you’re lonely Avi. I think sometimes we DO have to make the first move and reach out to people in order for them to know there is a need. Sadly, we often just go through life unaware that someone even wants/needs a friend. I hope you find one.
Thanks Meredith…
Is it really just as simple as saying to someone “would you be my friend?”
It sounds so kitschy, so kindergarten.
And to be totally transparent, how do I deal with dejection?
I guess you just try not to take it personally. It’s hard to do sometimes. But the truth is, so many people these days are self-absorbed unintentionally. I think inviting someone to do something is key. Casual – grab a coffee or go to a ballgame or something. Have a plan of action and maybe you’ll get a better response. IDK. There are no easy answers that’s for sure.
Just want a one good friend.
So true! I have had those same thoughts many times. After 4 1/2 years in our current house, I feel like I am finally developing a friendship like that, but I’m going to be moving again and I DREAD starting that journey over again. But as you say… maybe I need to reach out more and be willing to put myself on the line… and maybe those friendships do just take a bit of time… But I’m pretty sure you and I aren’t the only ones who feel this way. Thanks for sharing.
I wish you all the luck! I think we go through phases with different friends in different places. it’s always hard to leave, but somehow we always manage to make new friends! Good luck!
Meredith, you’ve hit the nail on the head! I crave having a close girl friend. I was ghosted by my “best friend” four years ago and had no explanation as to why, I moved half hour away, we never fell out or argued but our relationship had become very one sided with me initiating contact and being the one there for her but if I ever needed a bit of support…nope! So that occasionally gets me quite upset. I met lots of lovely mum friends at the school gates and was quite involved with my child’s school & the community charity run Pre school, so still felt popular and supported but then…we moved again! This time 3000 miles away to a semi English speaking country! I thought it would be easy baring in mind the kids are at school so I thought there would be lots of parents to meet, but it is very different! Although they can speak English, (it is an English outpost)- they flit back to Spanish (which I don’t speak) I feel very isolated! There are no opportunities to get involved with the school and generally if I do get talking to someone I soon get asked whether I’m here with the army (I’m not) and how long I intend to live here for-almost as If they’ve seen people come and go so many times before that it’s almost not worth their time getting to know me! Kids have settled in brilliantly but I do feel like I am more alone than ever!
Any advice on how to capitalize on making friends when you do have a connection with someone would be much appreciated!
Thank you for saying this. I am blessed to have 2 such friends, but unfortunately they live extremely far away – I am in Colorado, and they are both in Australia. I desperately miss having someone like this nearby. I have pursued these types of relationships but I think I may come on too strong and people don’t want the “commitment ” of a “drop anything for you ” friend. I hear your heart, and my heart resonates back. Praying we can find that type of friendship where we are.
Meredith,
First of all, I want you to know that I’ve totally been where you are. I definitely think that some friends are more “true” than others, but I don’t think the friend you’re describing exists. Jesus is the only one that would fit that bill I think. Do you think that out of all the friends you currently have, some are more true than others?
Thanks for commenting Elizabeth. I’ve found some great friends since writing this 4 years ago. I think that Christ definitely has a big role in my life, but I luckily have found some really great true friends in life too.
I’m glad you’ve got some true friends in your life! I have two – my sister and my husband. haha. Have you thought about doing a post where you talk more about the role Christ has played in your life? I’d love to read it! 🙂
Thanks
Yes, so much yes. Like the author, I have friends and a social life. I had a friend, a bestie for years. She suffered a terrible drawn out tragedy (The long devastating illness of a young child) and I was there for her in every way. We spoke all the time and leaned on each other. After treatment they they returned home. She asked for some space to heal and regain their footing as a family and I happily gave it to her. The next thing I knew she moved on…..without me. I’m healed but my heart is still sad and hurt years later. While she found replacements for me I was not so lucky. I have other friends like this but we live hundreds of miles apart. It’s tough to make real connections in this stage of life.
I’m with you on this! I have lots of friends but they all seem to have a friend they are closer with. I have a group at my work who I was close with until I decided to have a second and then third child. They all have one. I just feel like I need them more than they need me, friendship really is two way and it’s hard one no one seems to come to you.
Friends are hurt to come by!
I googled “is it Normal for moms to not have friends?” And came across this. It sums up my current life. I’ve always been a social butterfly with tons of close friends. All of those friends live over and hour away including my sister. I’ve never struggled so much in my life to find a friend! All the mommies I think would be fun I pursue and come to figure out they basically are the mean girls in mom jeans. So I’ve just really been so down lately. Plus this whole quarantine lock down has me crazy! Thank you for your transparency and letting me know I’m not alone with my feelings & that there’s hope for me 😂.
I feel you. There is always hope. But, yes finding good mom friends in adulthood is surprisingly hard! And, this quarantine has us ALLL crazy. Hang in there!
Hi Meredith, i did not read all of the replies. But want you to know that it can happen! I have longed for just such a connection my entire life. About 7 years ago i met a women through my daughter, our daugters were classmates and she was excellent at setting up play dates. Over the years my her family and oues grew close, there have been a lot of things that have happend but i want you to know that her and i are inseparable. I want you to have and experience this and know that you will. I pray that you will. Women need eachother
Oh God, you literally seemed to read my mind about this. I am in the same position except as social as I am, I feel like the best friend I thought I had has changed too much (or maybe I have) so I have no one but I do have a husband and two kids. Still waiting for my best friend but not giving up. Don’t no if I’m late on this post but we could be penpals? If not I get it…being a mother and then writing on top of it is hard
I’m not married nor do I have children but I have a wonderful boyfriend that I love and adore and is my “best friend” but I can’t help to long for a girl friend… I thought I had one but the friendship turned very sour. I get lonely and wish for all the same thing. Someone to call that would love to just hang out or bake or just be around each other..
i need a good friend i can talk with, go out, eat out basically socialise with.
Hi Meredith! It’s 2023 and I found your article while on Google. I feel like I couldve wrote every single word! Thank you for making me feel less alone ❤️.
I’m so glad other people feel like this. It’s so hard keeping friendships and making new friends as you get older. I have plenty of friends and acquaintances but not a best friend.
I desperately want a best friend too.
I’m at a lonely place right now. Lost one BFF to distance (a friend suggested that she wasn’t my BFF then). I’m in nursing school but a bit older. I was so excited to meet new friends and get really close to at least one of them. Instead it seems like everyone has paired or grouped off and I’m left floating around to different groups like I always do. I thought friendships would get easier the old I get or be est by now. Not so 😭