I’ve been ghosted by friends. In fact, a few times, actually. Yes, it always hurts. It’s painful to know that you aren’t important to another person – but it’s even more painful when you get ghosted because you usually don’t know what you did wrong.
But, you know what’s even more painful than that – When your kid gets ghosted by a friend.
I worry probably an unhealthy amount about my kids’ friendships.
I just want them all to have good friends, and I want them to eventually, when they’re old enough find that true best friend. As a child, I was lucky to meet my “best friend” in fifth grade and we’re still friends 30 years later.
So, I want that for my kids more than anything.
I don’t know if it’s because of Covid, or social media, or a combination of both, but I find that my kids keep getting ghosted by their friends.
With kids, ghosting is complicated.
For one, usually kids don’t typically disappear out of your kid’s life permanently. They usually still see them at school, or riding the bike around the neighborhood.
As adults, when we ghost someone, it typically implies that we quietly slip out of that person’s life for good. It’s easier to do when you live across town, or don’t run into your friend on a daily basis.
And, since childhood friends are typically still around at school, or church, or in your child’s social circles, ghosting in childhood can feel even more painful.
I have watched as my kids get left out of coordinated costumes on Halloween, have not gotten invited to gatherings, and have been left off of invitations to be on the same sports team together.
No – it’s impossible to include everyone all the time, but these things are happening with their best friends, not a casual acquaintance.
Ghosting can look a lot like maybe an oversight at first, but if it happens more than once, and over and over again, it’s painful to watch your kid go through that with a good friend.
It’s hard as a parent because you notice when the ghosting is happening to your kid, but you don’t necessarily want to point it out.
I know I’ve been in many situations where I notice that my kid is being ghosted by a friend, but I don’t want to say anything to my child because maybe they haven’t noticed – yet.
But in my experience, the kids eventually do realize what’s happening. They figure out that they are being left out. They watch as all their friends go off to football practice together, and they weren’t even invited to be on the team.
They watch as two girls who used to be their best friends walk to off campus lunch together and don’t offer a simple invite.
As a parent, my instinct is to want to say – What’s going on with Amy? Why doesn’t she hang out with you anymore?
Things happen. Kids grow apart just like adults do. And sometimes there is conflict that is unresolved. Sometimes – your kid is even the kid causing the separation.
But the fact of the matter is, your kid eventually has to figure it out on their own.
When your kid gets ghosted, and there is seemingly no explanation at all, that’s when it hurts the most.
It’s hard not to wonder if the other parents are aware of what’s happening. Because when you’re a parent of a child that’s being ghosted by friends, I can assure you that it’s on your mind and heart 24/7.
I have cried countless times over the times that my kids have been ghosted by their friends. And, it seems that other parents aren’t even aware it’s happening.
And if they are – why aren’t more parents stepping in to see why their kid is ghosting the other child? I know that I would.
I would trade places with my kids being ghosted by a friend any day.
I have been dropped by good friends many times in my life. I think most adults have. So, I try to remind myself that it’s part of growing up, and it’s part of life.
There is disappointment everywhere in life, but also – friends change and that’s also a natural part of life.
Not everyone is lucky enough to meet their best friend in elementary school and keep that friend for life. I was. But, I realize some kids struggle much more to find their people than others do.
However, it’s the most helpless feeling to watch your child get ghosted by a friend and not be able to help them or take away the hurt.
There are some things that you can do when your kid is being ghosted by a friend, though.
Encourage your child to try to open a dialogue with their friend.
Learning to communicate about meaningful things is hard for children. They need a lot of coaching to understand what good communication is. If you can encourage your kid to share how they are feeling, then there may be a chance to salvage the relationship.
Be there for your child.
I have found the number one thing that helps my kids the most when they are being ghosted by a friend is to do something fun with them. No, we can’t fill the void of childhood friendships, but we can help get them through a rough patch.
We can do this by doing special mom and child dates, or simply watching their favorite show, or playing their favorite game with them.
Spending more time together as a family is a good way to help your child through the period of time from when they are ghosted by a friend, and when they find a new one.
Role play with your child on how to make new friends.
When my kids moved from elementary to middle school, I encouraged them to take advantage of seeking out new people. However, this doesn’t come naturally to all kids.
My kids need a little coaching in this department, as they tend to be more quiet when they get to know you initially.
For really young kids, role playing can work wonders in teaching your kid how to talk to others.
For older kids, giving them ideas for how to invite kids to hang out or exchange numbers might be all they need to take that first scary step in finding a new friend.
If I’m being completely honest – my heart is breaking for my kids that are being ghosted by their friends.
In the age of social media, kids do less and less as they get older in the way of face to face interaction. However, on the flip side, it seems when they do get together, it’s on display for every kid that gets left out to know about it.
It’s hard to be the kid that is being ghosted by another kid. Just like adults, it hurts, but it also leaves a lot of self-doubt and worry about why their friend suddenly doesn’t seem interested anymore.
If I could do anything right now, I’d trade places with my kids that are being ghosted. I want so much for them to find their person, and not continue to have heartbreak.
But, being ghosted by friends isn’t just for adults, and unfortunately, it seems like it happens more often than we’d like, as parents, to admit.
With teens we have dealt with it by doing lots more family fun stuff, more one on one fun stuff with parent and child, and also more with kid and one friend. Building relationships one at a time. And lots of hugs.
They really have realised at the end of a long long 6 months, that
1 they COULD be alone AND OK, and
2. That there were better, more accepting friends out there that they didnt see while trying to ‘fit in’ with the first friends. Painful but ultimately good for them.
And I realised how much I’m invested in their friendships- and if they’re teens now, maybe TOO invested… Only maybe, not suggesting take no interest!
💞
This just happened to my child today and, thankfully, I came across this article. It is literally killing me to watch. Everything was fine a week ago. But I guess it has been happening off and on. Today her friend unfollowed her on social media and that was when she said “this is no accident”. Now, I am a VERU direct person living in the Seattle area. I have no issues with confrontation. I am friends with the mom and my first thought was to call her but then I realized that could literally make it worse. I also know the mom is working a lot and leaves her home out of necessity…and sometimes just to go iut. Not in any way inappropriately but I think with the whole covid thing the isolation may be getting to the child a bit. She is also new online and I worry maybe she has met other people her mom is unaware of and I don’t know how to approach that without delving into the whole daughters disconnecting thing when my daughter is specifically asking me to stay out of it. So, I came across this and decided in a little while to have ky girl do my make up. She has been asking to and I never ever do it so maybe it will help her forget for just a bit. Being a kid is hard. Watching your kid grow up is harder! All we can do is keep loving them more.
This article describes it so well 🙏🏻 so glad I found this.
So this just happened to my son, and I truly feel like it’s the parents fault. Not the kids. At least for my situation. All of the parents know these group of boys are close and they all have chosen to leave my son out. They post on FB the last few weekends, pictures of all the friends. And my son has not seen them and doesn’t know yet, but he will find out I’m sure at school. And then his feelings will be hurt. I am so upset and I want to say something to the parents. With this group of kids, I never leave anyone out. I invite them all over. It’s just sad and I don’t know what to do
Thank you for this article, my husband just sent it to me. This is happening to my son right now. He was best friends with a group of kids last year, even went to sleepaway camp with them. But this year in the span of 3 weeks they’ve removed him from a group chat and are hanging out without him and he has no idea why. It’s so hard to watch them go through this. I just want to fix it for him but I know I can’t, he has to be the one to do it. I’m trying to just be there for him and be supportive-but it’s killing me to see him so depressed.
My daughter is 15 and is going through this for the second time. At this point, I want to tell her, to hell with all of these people! She goes to a very small school where everyone knows everyone, and to be honest, I really don’t care for the girl she was friends with. But she was the only one who seemed to accept my daughter for who she is. Apparently not. My daughter does have a complicated story – she went undiagnosed with ADHD for years, until 7th grade. It is not uncommon for girls like her to have difficulty with friendships. But it is mortifying to show up to school with NO friends. Which is how she feels in this moment. You are absolutely correct that the best thing you can do is rally together as a family. Do something fun that reinforces how close you are and how you have her back. I’m not sure what tomorrow has in store for her, but I know she and I and the rest of the family will get through it together. Best of luck to everyone in this situation – and thank you for writing about it!
Stumbled upon this after trying to seek some guidance after my son (9) was, you guessed it, ghosted.
Thank you for writing about this. It was comforting to know I’m not alone here. Thank you.
Like others here I also stumbled across the article and wanted to say thank you. My daughter is 12 and does not have a phone but her neighborhood friends have had phones since they were 8 years old. I gave her a phone linked to my account this year as we didn’t want her to feel left out of social interaction and WhatsApp chats. I don’t look at her chats unless I can see something is up. For 3 months our direct neighbor’s daughter (her best friend) has not spoken to her and it was deeply upsetting so I checked the messages. I just want to put this out there – how can you bring your child up to be so abjectly cold and cruel towards someone who was your best friend? I am incredulous that this has happened to all of you as well and that children are having to deal with this mental cruelty. My daughter doubts herself a lot and seems to follow the crowd which we have tried everything to dissuade. The behavour of this so called friend has just crushed her. I, like other Moms, am so upset for her but like you all, we dare not interfere because the children involved can easily do much nastier things in social media to our children. They have shown cruelty so it would not be hard for them to continue. I am petrified of what will happen when my daughter has her own mobile phone.